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Having a hard time

Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 30th September 2017, 9:01 AM   #1
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Having a hard time

First post. It seems like a lot of people here will (hopefully) understand.

Last October I started a job where I met the girl who would become my g/f. We started dating in February of this year. We started as a casual thing because my contract with the company was set to expire in April, so we were just going to have fun until then. The contract ended up being extended for 2 months so I left in June. We fell for each other pretty fast (lesbian cliche) and decided to give the long distance thing a shot. I moved back to New York in early June and she stayed in Virginia.

At first everything seemed to be going pretty well. We called almost every day and skyped a lot. We even saw each other twice in July. Then I had a lot of really big things in my life change in rapid succession. Shortly after I got home in June my not even 2 year old cat had to be put to sleep which was absolutely freaking devastating to my life. A couple of weeks after that, I got word that I was being offered a year long job in New England which is amazing in my field (museum studies). However, that put me even further away from my girlfriend (distance is now roughly a 12 hour drive). I started that job in August, and literally 2 weeks later, my grandmother died in a pretty tragic way. I'm not kidding when I say a lot happened.

Having to go through all of these things without my girlfriend being there ended up taking its toll on me. Honestly, when it comes to some of those things there's only so much comfort I can get through the phone or a skype session. I think a small part of me has even built up a touch of resentment that I was doing it all alone, even though the rational side of me knows that's not fair and it's not her fault she's far away. But it's just got me thinking that I don't know if I'm capable of handling the distance anymore, but I'm also not sure that her moving to be near me is even feasible, nor am I sure that it's the right move to make at this stage. She wants to go to graduate school next year and her dream school is in Denver. That means that we have at least 3 more years before we could even live in the same place, and even that's not a guarantee. I am just feeling like if I can barely last 4 months, there's no way I'm going to be able to handle 3 years. She has floated the idea of applying to schools in the Northeast, but I don't think that's a good idea. I've only ever heard her talk about Denver. It was "Denver Denver Denver" before we even met. I think to give up her dream to make a relationship work isn't the best idea, although I appreciate the thought and the security in knowing that I mean that much to her. but what if she does that and then we don't work out even without the long distance? Then she's stuck at a school she only applied to in order to make the relationship work. If we had been together for 2 or 3 years, then yeah, maybe consider changing those school plans. But not for a relationship of mere months. And I finally have really had time to sit and think about what that distance means for the relationship. It means possibly not seeing each other for 4, 5 or even 6 months at a time. I'm not sure that she really has a firm grasp on what that will feel like.

I'm seeing her in a couple of weeks and I feel like want to talk to her about the way I've been feeling, but I'm nervous about it. She's pretty intensely emotional and as much as she likes to say open communication is important, her reactions to things can make wanting to open up to her very difficult. Even though she wants me to, I'm also very aware that anytime I talk about negative feelings she can fall into this hole for hours where she is barely responsive and just cries off and on. All of the people in my life who know about the situation say to just rip the bandage off and that the way she chooses to react to the things I say aren't my issue, but they sure feel like it. There are a few other intricacies to the situation that will probably come out if anyone responds, but right now I'm just struggling with what the right thing to do is or the best way to go about it. Any advice would be really appreciated.
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Old 30th September 2017, 10:00 AM   #2
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I hate to be Debbie Downer but some things just aren't meant to be. Life seems to be pushing you two further apart. Maybe you have to simply let it break you up. Then you will both be free to find somebody more local.

I am sorry about your cat & your grandmother
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Old 30th September 2017, 2:53 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
I hate to be Debbie Downer but some things just aren't meant to be. Life seems to be pushing you two further apart. Maybe you have to simply let it break you up. Then you will both be free to find somebody more local.

I am sorry about your cat & your grandmother

I'm inclined to agree with you. I'm more realistic about the situation. I'm also 28 and realize that I'm getting ready to settle down and put roots down somewhere. She's 24 and is extremely idealistic. She truly believes that we are going to be together forever when she gets out of grad school. I'm kind of thinking it would be best to end it while we are still on good terms because with both of us working in such a small field you never know what the future could hold. Better that then let it deteriorate to the point of us not being able to stand each other.
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