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Hi, my name is Otter and I'm insecurrrrr (ranting about LDRs)


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blind_otter

Yeah well that's kind of obvious.

 

I always said I would never be in a long distance relationship. I need too much attention. Which isn't even that much, but obviously more than you get in a LDR. But then again, I have this new fear of intimacy from my experiences since my separation/divorce. So I thought, hey, I can date someone and not have to be around them all the time. Because when I do that I get all grossed out and end up not wanting to see them at all ever again after 2-3 months. I get.....bored? irritable? I dunno.

 

But, to rant, I hope he doesn't expect me to just sit here and worry and wonder and all that bullsh*t. I am an attractive woman. I have confidence, if not in my personality (that's a whole other issue), at least in how I look and my ability to attract men. I have predatory acquaintences who waited until my bf flew home to hit on me again. Temptation is all around!

 

I think I should, in my next email (whenever he emails me, since I never call him first or email him first. I'm the woman. I get pursued. If you don't like it, shove off and find some other chick who is less aggressive and less aware that she needs to protect her own interests)...tell him that I adore him, but if he shows me through his actions that he isn't into me - eg, unattentive, breaking promises to call/email/whatever - then I have no qualms about breaking it off.

 

This is what happens to me, and regarding having a LDR it worries me. I get angry X amount of times. Then, I simply shut down. I used to feed into it and I was on a rollercoaster of "I love you! I hate you! I love you! I hate you!" in my last relationship, for an entire year. After my miscarriage, something...changed. Permanently. I stopped being able to feed into the emotional reactiveness. I get upset a certain number of times and then I think, wtf it's not worth it to hurt again. So I shut down. I amputate my emotions. I move on rather quickly. I distract myself. Healthy or unhealthy? I think it's healthier because I have a cut off point. Clearly established boundaries that I am aware of. If you cross the fence too many times, I will build the wall higher and shut you out.

 

I am afraid this is not a good trait to have in a LDR. Because I could very easily get irritated a few times and just never respond to his emails or answer his phone calls again. I could very easily just give up.

 

I just feel really selfish right now, and I feel no shame about it. I spent the last year of my life enslaved to an ugly, abusive, obsessive relationship. If I feel remotely unhappy for a prolonged period of time, I simply don't want to deal with it. I understand that people forget things. They get distracted. They have issues. I do too. I am just venting and thinking about things as I write.

 

But if I feel neglected, then I am moving on. I don't give second or third chances any more. I don't care how much money he spends on me. It doesn't make up for feeling emotionally fulfilled. But he just left. Already I'm all filled with doubt. My co-worker was like, I bet he's married or has a girlfriend. We were eating lunch when she said this and all of a sudden I got sick to my stomach. There. The seed of doubt was planted. I don't think he is, but all our conversations about his ex-girlfriend could be about...his girlfriend, for all I know.

 

I was supposed to buy a plane ticket to go visit him in July, today. I didn't. Don't think I will. I will wait a bit and see how he is. If he behaves in a way that I feel comfortable and satisfied with, I'll do it. If not, he can go **** himself. I don't sit at home, hoping for his call. I've gone out every night since he's been gone.

 

Ironically my friend Bosco, who magically disappeared while I was hanging out with my bf all the time when he was here, has magically reappeared the very moment my bf left. He and I went out to dinner last night, I owed him b/c he watched my dogs while my bf and I were out of town last weekend. We had a blast. I am beginning to think that guys really ARE just friends with me in the hopes of eventually screwing me. I am going to the movies tonight with another male friend. I think I am doing this intentionally because I know it would hurt my bf's feelings to know that my social calendar is full of "hang outs" with male friends. Vindictive bitch that I am.

 

I opened myself up to him, like a flower blooming. He plucked my flower. He wanted to make me his. Every time I've spoken with him since we decided to be exclusive, he reminds me that I should save myself for him. Wait for him. Blah blah f*cking blaaaaaaaaah. I can't help but wonder, though, if I am passing up better prospects by waiting for him. Especially if he doesn't make a mild effort to attend to me.

 

All I ask is a phone call once a week, and an email every few days. That's not much at all. I honestly get my emotional fulfillment from my friends, I talk on teh phone for hours with Bosco and my female friend R. We talk every day. What am I supposed to do, save my talking for that one conversation a week? I need people to talk to , to sympathize, listen, or just let me vent.

 

This is so long. I just needed to get this off my chest because I have a stomach ache today from being uncomfortable. I don't like feeling this....need.

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IhavenoFREAKINclue

I think its the whole "Friday the 13th" thisng that making you go crazy! Hang in there otter..........i don't think it can get any worse!

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Originally posted by blind_otter

 

I opened myself up to him, like a flower blooming. He plucked my flower. He wanted to make me his.

 

:lmao: :lmao: You have to laugh when you read that - read it BO. I think your writing assignments have had an impact on your posts. From here on out, I shall refer to you as Harlequin. :p

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blind_otter

:p I have read too many romance novels. I stopped reading them like 5 years ago because I felt like my perception of romance would get all screwy. Maybe that's why I'm insane.

 

Roxi told me I should just be celibate for a while. Screw that. I could totally get some ass tonight if I wanted to. Honestly, I don't know that I don't want it.

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Originally posted by blind_otter

Roxi told me I should just be celibate for a while.

If u decide to go that route talk with XXXX.

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Illusion24
I am afraid this is not a good trait to have in a LDR. Because I could very easily get irritated a few times and just never respond to his emails or answer his phone calls again. I could very easily just give up.

 

Wow, OK...I gotta admit I've never read a post this long before but for some reason I felt I had too :o

 

The statement above comes down to one thing B_O...Why would you give up the one thing that's made you feel good in ages??? Because you're scared!!! Come on, read your post you're a strong cookie...You stay and give this a try because YOU WANT TOO!! Nonthing more nothing less...

 

I understand your fears about a relationship let alone a LDR...but don't be afraid of feeling good and wanted again. If you have any doubts the person you need to talk to his him. If he's as good as you been saying he is...he'll understand your reason for thinking he has a 2nd life...

 

 

just feel really selfish right now, and I feel no shame about it. I spent the last year of my life enslaved to an ugly, abusive, obsessive relationship. If I feel remotely unhappy for a prolonged period of time, I simply don't want to deal with it. I understand that people forget things. They get distracted. They have issues. I do too. I am just venting and thinking about things as I write.

 

Don't make him pay for your past relationships not working...It's not his fault those basturds treated you wrong and it didn't work out. All I'm saying is you don't want to live the rest of your life wondering "WHAT IF"!?

What if I would have waited and boom your relationship gets deeper he changes his whole life to spend it with you...Don't be afraid of love, you'll regret when he's gone. You know this one's different...so treat it diffferent.

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blind_otter

I am a spoiled brat. I stamp my foot and whine and bitch and moan. I don't like feeling so vulnerable and needy. SO here I am basically sabotaging --- you're right NSN, the one thing that's made me feel really good in the last 2 years.

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Can I be honest, Harlequin? In my opinion, you are extremely attracted the the intrigue of your own neurosis. You love incorporating your own psychoanalysis into every relationship you have and sometimes I wonder if you ever just live without dissecting everything you think or feel.

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Yeah, it sucks!

 

I'm not even in a LDR and I feel like this sometimes.

 

When my bf is working his other job- sometimes I will think- well I could be doing so and so.........

 

Then we're together again and it's just as wonderful as it was the time before and all of that goes away.

 

Hang in there!

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UrbanAngel

You know I read your post and I think I am the same way, BUT I want to try to hang in there with my LDR because I really do love him. I actually have hung out with other guys, platonically but I know they wanted more, and thought to myself they don't even compare to my current boyfriend. Yet I too get stuck in that whole LOVE/HATE senario because I don't feel I am getting the attention I deserve. I have been in my committed LDR for 7 months and I am wearing thin.

 

I think LDR have an expiration date. Mine is coming close. I know this because I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I told him 2 weeks ago if he wanted to continue this he needed to get here ASAP. And after he finally got a job and says he is trying to pull his own head out of his own ass so he can get here. Honestly I think I could hold on for another 2 months and if he did not come through not matter what amount of love I have for him would keep me from going out and getting the attention I crave.

 

'Nuf said.

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tanbark813

I've been in enough LDR's to know that they only have a chance when both people put forth effort. Good luck.

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blind_otter
Originally posted by Pocky

Can I be honest, Harlequin? In my opinion, you are extremely attracted the the intrigue of your own neurosis. You love incorporating your own psychoanalysis into every relationship you have and sometimes I wonder if you ever just live without dissecting everything you think or feel.

 

Always, Pock.

 

I don't think I am necessarily attracted to my own neurosis. It's more of a compulsion to analyze everything, but there is actual emotional distress involved, so maybe it's more of a mild case of obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is rampant in my family, and I just medicate it with marijuana (which hasn't been working lately. I get high and fixate on things even MORE, if that's possible).

 

I tend to go on binges with drugs and alcohol and during those binges I don't really think. Or feel.

 

Honestly though I don't know that someone who has gone through what I have in the last 6 months wouldn't obsessively analyze everything.

 

There is a definite desperation to avoid ever, ever, ever again feeling like I did in December and January.

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Originally posted by westernxer

I look at long distance and yawn... will never do it again.

:laugh: a LDR is not a real relationship

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Originally posted by blind_otter

Always, Pock.

 

I don't think I am necessarily attracted to my own neurosis. It's more of a compulsion to analyze everything, but there is actual emotional distress involved, so maybe it's more of a mild case of obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is rampant in my family, and I just medicate it with marijuana (which hasn't been working lately. I get high and fixate on things even MORE, if that's possible).

 

I tend to go on binges with drugs and alcohol and during those binges I don't really think. Or feel.

 

Honestly though I don't know that someone who has gone through what I have in the last 6 months wouldn't obsessively analyze everything.

 

There is a definite desperation to avoid ever, ever, ever again feeling like I did in December and January.

 

Maybe it is just an obsessive-compulsive disorder and it's possible that LS enables you to act out more than you would if you didn't have this forum. And I could see the six months time-frame because as I've read your posts over the past several months your analyzing and dissecting has increased significantly.

 

Your words have become extremely descriptive and I often feel like I'm reading a novel instead of discussing an issue on a message board. I can only assume that you have a natural attraction to the way one can manipulate and fashion a story through the words used and I often wonder if you're not allowing the creative side of your mind to take too much control over what you write. For those of us who read often, words are very powerful and the worlds we can weave with them can seem as tangible as the real word. You write well - in the sense that you create the world and you pull the reader into it. However, I often wonder if your life would be a little more carefree if it wasn't broken down into so many pieces and then turned into a world for you to immerse yourself in. Swimming around in all those thoughts and analyzing everything around you has got it tire you out eventually. :p

 

Regardless, my interpretation of your words is truly insignificant. :)

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blind_otter

Well considering that I've already been out (last night) with Bosco to dinner, and that I have another date tonight...feh. I know he would be upset if he knew I was hanging out with these boys.

 

I suppose I could ride it out for a free trip to Amsterdam. ::snort::

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Originally posted by alphamale

:laugh: a LDR is not a real relationship

 

People have had LDRs and have moved into lasting relationships - even marriage. It takes a certain type of person and it's extremely difficult, but it can be done.

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blind_otter
Originally posted by Pocky

Maybe it is just an obsessive-compulsive disorder and it's possible that LS enables you to act out more than you would if you didn't have this forum. And I could see the six months time-frame because as I've read your posts over the past several months your analyzing and dissecting has increased significantly.

 

Your words have become extremely descriptive and I often feel like I'm reading a novel instead of discussing an issue on a message board. I can only assume that you have a natural attraction to the way one can manipulate and fashion a story through the words used and I often wonder if you're not allowing the creative side of your mind to take too much control over what you write. For those of us who read often, words are very powerful and the worlds we can weave with them can seem as tangible as the real word. You write well - in the sense that you create the world and you pull the reader into it. However, I often wonder if your life would be a little more carefree if it wasn't broken down into so many pieces and then turned into a world for you to immerse yourself in. Swimming around in all those thoughts and analyzing everything around you has got it tire you out eventually. :p

 

Regardless, my interpretation of your words is truly insignificant. :)

 

Well you're right. I have always enjoyed writing, and LS is becoming more and more of a blog spot for me....honeslty though, I previously just had exhaustively long conversations with friends about the horrid little details (also, I used to post excessively on another message board, with similarly long narratives, but they became excessively Christian, like every response was quoting scripture to me and telling me to go with God, so I left) :laugh: . I've also noticed that my posts have become more narrative-like. It's probably because I secretly want to be a writer and I've always been writing, fiction to boot, and practice makes perfect. Although lately I'm more into poetry and word manipulation in that sense - Sylvia Plath-esque poetry with words heavy with double meanings and different levels of communication, depending on the depth of analysis. In a certain sense, LS is a great little microcosm. Enriching a person who is a writer, especially, because you get exposed to the intimate details of a wide variety of personal worlds. The microscopic thought processes of people who are, occassionally, little more than characters in a narrative, at least to me.

 

Don't get me wrong, Pock - my life tends a little too far toward the carefree. I haven't even filed my frikkin' taxes yet, and I spent every weekend for the past 6/7 weeks getting wined and dined and going on day trips and making love several times a day.

 

I'm probably just coming down off the high.

 

It's a sensation I am all too familiar with.

 

I started smoking cigarettes again. :rolleyes:

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Originally posted by blind_otter

I started smoking cigarettes again. :rolleyes:

 

I dreamt that I was smoking again and the sensations that pulsed through my body when I breathed in that nicotine was purely orgasmic. Too bad it was just a dream. Smoking tastes like ****, smells like **** and makes me feel like ****. :laugh:

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UrbanAngel

I quit smoking 4 days ago, seems like it's been forever already since I have had one. thank you for reminding me why I shouldn't smoke again even though it seems like I am missing out on something.

 

Smoking since I was 13, I'm 26...*sigh* think I'd have had enough...

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blind_otter
Originally posted by UrbanAngel

I quit smoking 4 days ago, seems like it's been forever already since I have had one. thank you for reminding me why I shouldn't smoke again even though it seems like I am missing out on something.

 

Smoking since I was 13, I'm 26...*sigh* think I'd have had enough...

 

Yep. I've been smoking since I was 14, I'm 25 now. I quit and start back and quit and start back. Always start back when I am stressed out or drinking/drugging. I have been drinking a lot lately, and I need to cut back because I am starting to get all soft in the belly area. Ick.

 

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Come downs are a bitch.

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Originally posted by blind_otter

I quit and start back and quit and start back. Always start back when I am stressed out or drinking/drugging. I have been drinking a lot lately, and I need to cut back because I am starting to get all soft in the belly area. Ick.

Keith Richards of the rolling stones once said in an interview that it was easier for him to quit heroin than it was to quit smoking. :eek:

 

think i'll go out have a smoke

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westernxer
Originally posted by alphamale

 

Keith Richards of the rolling stones once said in an interview that it was easier for him to quit heroin than it was to quit smoking. :eek:

 

think i'll go out have a smoke

 

For the first time in my life, I think I actually respect Keith Richards. Still won't have a smoke, though. :D

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blind_otter

I think I'm smokign more cigs b/c I'm not hardly smoking pot. It's making me paranoid lately so I just...don't wanna smoke it. I dunno I was sitting at home, hittin the bongggggg, and all of a sudden I was like....I don't like how I feel right now. Which is weird b/c I never have that thought when stoned.

 

But I've seen this happen, with friends who just got older and "grew out" of the pot smokin'. :( Damn it, I like pot. I just wish I could get high and actually like it, like I used to.... lately I've been more into drinking and smoking cigarettes. huh.

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