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LDR boyfriend moved for me; feeling is gone :/?


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Hi everyone,

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating long distance for about 6 months now (we met irl a few years before, but he was in a relationship at the time so we were just friends) and about a month ago he moved to the area I live in to be closer to me so that our relationship could have a real chance. We have no immediate plans to move in together, but still I had to co-sign the lease for an apartment because no landlord wanted to take the risk of letting their apartment to a foreigner.

 

I thought it would feel great being closer together, but there seems to be so much pressure to make it work now that as a result I can't seem to relax anymore. I'm starting to have doubts about everything and I'm constantly anxious. I have this gut feeling that something's wrong, but I don't know if I'm overreacting or if my body is telling me something is indeed wrong. I can't seem to just relax and get that 'in love' feeling back. Sometimes I even think I might be happier without him, but he just moved here for me so that would be really sucky and on the other hand we're also a good match in terms of personality. I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation before? Is it normal to feel this way :/?

 

Thanks in advance for your replies.

 

Elise

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ExpatInItaly

Maybe you liked the idea of him (at a distance) but aren't crazy about the real man now that he's in your everyday life.

 

Has he said or done something that you found off-putting?

 

6 months is early to be taking these steps and co-signing a lease for him, though I get logistics weren't simple. Perhaps this is moving much more quickly than you're comfortable with.

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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What do you mean pressure to make it work? What else changed besides his address?

 

 

I would expect that once you close the gap on the LDR you'd be happy. How often did you see each other during this 6 months you were dating long distance? If this was an OL relationship only your problem is you are now financially locked to a stranger due to the co-signed lease. You have to realize that if you dump this guy he will move back to his country, break the lease & leave you holding the bag.

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From the sound of things you were together for only 5 months before he uprooted his life to be with you. How much did you see of each other IRL before that decision was made? What prompted that? When he talked to you about that, what was your response? Didn't you think that 5 months was a bit early for him to be uprooting his life?

 

Because of this, it's hard to determine what truly is the problem. It's actually normal to get a cold-feet feeling when **** gets really serious in a relationship - instead of just dating and having fun you have to manage a shared lease, financial worries, etc. But on the other hand it's also entirely possible that he isn't right for you and you would have found that out without all these complications if you two had visited each other a bit more before making the big move.

 

I don't know what you should do, frankly. Like d0nnivain says, if he leaves the country, you are going to be stuck with the requirement to pay the lease.

 

What visa is he even on? You two haven't been together long enough to qualify for a partner visa (in countries where this visa is valid). So it's probably some form of temporary work visa?

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Hi,

 

We've known each other for about 6 years now and we've been good friends since we met (I lived in his home country for a few years). And though there was always some attraction and we got along very well, nothing happened because he was already in a relationship. So he's definitely not a complete stranger :-). And we're both in the EU, so no visa required and he also managed to find a nice job here pretty quickly.

 

I think that in normal circumstances I would've never co-signed a lease with anyone this early on, but there was no other option. I guess that's the main thing that stresses me out, things getting too serious too quickly. But on the other hand we're generally very happy together, so I think I'll just need to relax and see how the relationship develops :-).

 

When we talked about him moving here, I think I thought it would've been easier (regarding finding a house etc). He also noticed he would have some good career options here, so he didn't have to give up on that. And of course we'd be able to date like a normal couple, so that seemed good to me too. At least better than flying back and forth all the time (we saw each other every month for 4 days - one month I'd go there, the next he'd come here).

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Hi,

 

We've known each other for about 6 years now and we've been good friends since we met (I lived in his home country for a few years). And though there was always some attraction and we got along very well, nothing happened because he was already in a relationship. So he's definitely not a complete stranger :-). And we're both in the EU, so no visa required and he also managed to find a nice job here pretty quickly.

 

I think that in normal circumstances I would've never co-signed a lease with anyone this early on, but there was no other option. I guess that's the main thing that stresses me out, things getting too serious too quickly. But on the other hand we're generally very happy together, so I think I'll just need to relax and see how the relationship develops :-).

 

When we talked about him moving here, I think I thought it would've been easier (regarding finding a house etc). He also noticed he would have some good career options here, so he didn't have to give up on that. And of course we'd be able to date like a normal couple, so that seemed good to me too. At least better than flying back and forth all the time (we saw each other every month for 4 days - one month I'd go there, the next he'd come here).

 

Ah, okay, thanks for clarifying. Yes, that makes a lot more sense to me.

 

In that case I think it would be best to give it a chance for the next few months at least and see how things go. Are there any specific reasons for you getting cold feet? Is he treating you well?

 

Him making such a big change in his life for you is a big thing, so you should take that into consideration and do your best to make things work too, barring any mistreatment or severe issues. It's possible that after trying for a few months, both of you may decide that this R just isn't for you. But then at least you both tried, and at least you will know then rather than another 6 years down the road.

Edited by Elswyth
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I'm in Texas and I can tell you that landlords rent to foreigners all the time here. Now, what might have stopped them is a background check if they were able to find anything on him. Has he already moved in? If not, cancel the lease if you can.

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I guess that's the main thing that stresses me out, things getting too serious too quickly. But on the other hand we're generally very happy together, so I think I'll just need to relax and see how the relationship develops :-).

 

 

Sounds like a good plan. If you relax & realize that he moved to you (a good thing) but it's only a move not a life time commitment, perhaps you can calm down enough to enjoy the romance.

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I'm in Texas and I can tell you that landlords rent to foreigners all the time here. Now, what might have stopped them is a background check if they were able to find anything on him. Has he already moved in? If not, cancel the lease if you can.

 

The OP has already said that they live in the EU, not Texas.... :confused: And the sort of background checks that landlords are able to request will obviously not turn up anything if the person is new to the country. Background checks are country-specific.

 

Having being an immigrant in 2 different countries, I can assure you that it is often more difficult to find a place to rent if you are on a temporary visa. Not impossible, but more difficult - you may end up getting the dregs that nobody wants.

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Hi,

 

We've known each other for about 6 years now and we've been good friends since we met (I lived in his home country for a few years). And though there was always some attraction and we got along very well, nothing happened because he was already in a relationship. So he's definitely not a complete stranger :-). And we're both in the EU, so no visa required and he also managed to find a nice job here pretty quickly.

 

I think that in normal circumstances I would've never co-signed a lease with anyone this early on, but there was no other option. I guess that's the main thing that stresses me out, things getting too serious too quickly. But on the other hand we're generally very happy together, so I think I'll just need to relax and see how the relationship develops :-).

 

When we talked about him moving here, I think I thought it would've been easier (regarding finding a house etc). He also noticed he would have some good career options here, so he didn't have to give up on that. And of course we'd be able to date like a normal couple, so that seemed good to me too. At least better than flying back and forth all the time (we saw each other every month for 4 days - one month I'd go there, the next he'd come here).

 

My child, you seem like a wonderful woman, but your not thinking clearly enough. You never co-sign on anything now your stuck with that if he doesn't live up to what you had expected. I doubt he will because of a few things you already have mentioned and you know it to be true also with your gut telling you STOP!

 

It's too late you did what you thought was best at the time. He on the other hand it the doubt in your gut. Your not feeling the love why? Something you left out of this riddle. He was in a relationship prior. What happen to that girl? What happen to her could happen to you with him.

 

Tell me was he raised by two loving parents and was you also? If the answer is not known they you do shouldn't even think of co-signing anything yet. You could have moved into where you live or you just figured out something else. This is not going to work out the way you had thought. Something going to go flip flop on you. Listen to your gut feelings it is usually right on the dime!

Edited by coolheadal
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