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LDR. Pregnant. Communication problems. Weird WhatsApp behaviour. See details.


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My girlfriend lives an hour away (not sure if our relationship is considered LR) but she's 7 months pregnant and she's very anxious about moving in with us. She has a great job, independence, friends etc. We agreed she would move into my place before the baby is born and live with me and my kids during paid mother's leave. Then we'll move into a new apartment in here town.

 

Even though, we're far apart, we still see and talk to each other very often. Every weekend we spend together at my house. She's very involved with my kids, so it's like we're already a family.

 

The problem with us is our communication.

 

Today I had so many errands to run, to get things done for when we move in together. I was supposed to head over her place around 9pm, once I was finished with everything. But nothing went as planned, I couldn't get everything smoothly done. And then I started feeling sick, headaches and throwing up.

 

I texted her via WhatsApp at 3pm, letting her know the situation and asking how she was. This is where things started getting weird...

 

She didn't seem very engaged in conversations, only making small comments like "****ty day", "everything is ok with me", "don't worry, we got this".

 

She didn't respond to my vomiting, only rephrasing the same thing "eventually things will get better.."

 

Also, she's online the whole time and my messages are always read at least a minute apart.

 

I said "at least I got you" and she said "some days just suck"

 

I asked her how her day has been so far, again just "ok"

 

I asked her to elaborate, no answer.

 

I told her I might not make it, if I'm not done on time

 

She seemed indifferent, only adding "too bad, I actually wanted to talk to you tonight about something but oh well".

 

I joked about not giving up so fast and "what's on your mind now" (she's always overthinking).

 

I could tell something was off, she's acting funny. I don't wanna draw conclusions even though by now I can tell something is up. She didnt read or reply to my messages for like 5 minutes, while online the whole time. So it easily looked like she was ignoring me and talking to someone else.

 

Considering the circumstances of our LDR and being pregnant, I know it ain't easy. So after no reply and seeing she's still online, suppressing my annoyance, I just asked if everything was ok, "do you wanna talk?", and told her everything will be alright, "I'm here if you need me"

 

She didnt respond to my offer at all, instead wrote that she just came home and her roommates did something disrespectful to her. They cleaned out all her things without asking her, obviously provoking her.

 

I saw her online for another 20 minutes until I answered her, offering to come if she needs me, "I'll do the rest of my errands tomorrow, if needed"

 

20 minutes later, my last message still unread, she calls me, crying about the incident. She said she feels like she's being kicked out of her own home and it would be nice if I could come but she knows I'm at a deadline with my errands, so she'd understand, if I couldn't.

 

No mention about me being sick, though.

 

We talked for almost an hour, but she didnt seem very happy or engaging. I had to keep asking questions and then she'd finally reveal something, important things, you'd think she'd tell me first-hand.

 

I thought it was strange she wanna share the (good) news, that she just found out she doesn't have to work and gets paid leave starting next week.

 

Anyway, she was in a bad mood. I told her, if she really needs me to come, just tell me and I'll come, even though I feel like ****. We ended our conversation so she could eat. She said she was suppose to attend to some errands with her roommates, potential roommates were coming to look at the house and an ex roommate was coming to sort out paper work. But because of their fight, she decided not to participate.

 

So we agreed to get back to each other later. It still wasn't clear, when or if I was coming to her place later on.

 

About 10 minutes after our call, I see her go on and offline on WhatsApp for an whole hour, while she's "eating". My phone sends notifications whenever she gets online.

 

the next whole hour she's offline. I texted to ask how things were going so far and my messages aren't received because she either has her phone off or on flight mode. 20 minutes later, she responds with "still busy, potential new roommates are here. Showing them the house. When are you coming?"

 

I respond immediately, saying "I thought you wasn't doing all that tonight" and answering "I don't think I'll make it tonight, feeling real ****ty" and asking "if she's feeling better"

 

After 5 minutes my messages get through, she reads them, responding minutes later, ignoring my question, only saying "it wouldn't fair to leave my ex roommate hanging, she's purposely coming over to do the paper work so I have to attend"

 

Then to my reply about not coming, she says "too bad" and then adds "you said you'd come if I needed you"

 

First of all:

 

What does doing paper work with an ex roomie, who's isn't suppose to come until later, have to do with being obligated to show people the house?

 

Second: she never said she "needed" me to come and didnt insist I should.

 

I told her not to let anything stress her and made it clear that my offer to come still stands even though I'm feeling sick.

 

She doesn't say "yes, I need you. Please come."

 

She says "it would be nice. Feeling down. But I know, it's already late now..."

 

It's 8:30 pm and I've shown up late, past midnight, plenty of times before.

 

I told her it's not about the timing, it's about how sick I was feeling and not being fit for travel.

 

She replies "too bad" 10 minutes later and then goes offline for about a half an hour.

 

at 9pm she's online again for 10 minutes until she texts me right goes offline again, saying "the meeting (with ex roomie) still hasn't started", "how are you?", and "maybe we there's still enough time to Skype?"

 

The meeting with her ex roommate was supposed to happen at 8:30pm. The fact that she's already acting non responsive and obviously talking to someone online the whole time is irritating.

 

So this time I respond with a "I'll get back to you on that" like "whatever, I'm not sitting around waiting on bull**** excuses".

 

She reads and doesn't respond at 10 pm. Some meeting.

 

So I waited another 15 minutes to see if I'll get a reaction but got none and texted her to call it a night. I also told her, I was starting to feel worse and wouldn't be able to come to tomorrow's baby bonding class. We had a scheduled appointment with a midwife.

 

That got a reaction.

 

She immediately flipped out, said some bitchy stuff and that I'll have to be the one to call and cancel and not her, like that's a punishment or something.

 

Even though I'm pissed and want to lash back at her for all the bull**** she's been doing today, I stayed calm and waited. She didnt say anything else, not even asking why, like I planned to get sick and not show up for something that's important to me as much as to her. I've been showing up for appointments all the time, even left the hospital a day after surgery because she had a mental break down.

 

But she's pregnant, hormonal, and emotional and if I respond the way I felt, then I'd be the bad guy. Then she'll have even more reason to justify her act. So I responded as nice as I could, asking what was wrong and that she seemed off but made I'm just interpreting her wrong, if she wanted to talk, I'm here, otherwise goodnight.

 

later on she kept calling me but I ignored her calls for a while because I was still pissed and needed to cool down.

 

She asked if we could Skype and I texted, I'd call her back.

 

When I called her back, she was still on WhatsApp and still hadn't read my message. It's unusual for her to have late chats with other people.

 

Anyway, when we skyped, she came at me hard, accused me of abandoning her when she needed me, questioning my role as father and partner, the stress of responsibility is the reason I didnt show up etc. All kinds of rough ****. It's like she doesn't even know or remember anything about me being sick, yet, still taking care of everything on my end for her to move in with me. And how many times I offered to come, if she wanted me to. All she had to do, was say something.

 

She keeps saying she did and doesn't admit how weird she was acting, how stand offish and withdrawn. And now she's saying she didnt know I was sick, she thought I was just too tired from all the stress. Like saying "I threw up and got a bad migraine" doesn't refer to being sick.

 

Now she's apologising, saying she misses me and wishes I was here.

 

It all seems like bull**** to me.

 

What do you think?

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Imajerk17

I got the impression you were being passive-agressive too though. You did offer a lot to come over to her place but then you said a few times that you were too sick to come over. I was wondering reading your narrative if you were telling her that you were sick in the hopes of elliciting some concern from her?

 

(I'm not surprised it didn't go over well, if you think you're feeling sick then you have no idea what being pregnant is like!)

 

I'd be thinking that she could be talking to another guy, EXCEPT she is 7 months pregnant. What "other man" would possibly want to get involved w a woman w an obvious baby bulge (I am assuming that there is no reason for you to wonder that you are the biological father). So I am thinking that she is just emotional and overwhelmed, especially with the TWO moves she has planned. Everyone's lives--especially hers--is about to change in a HUGE way.

 

So overall I am going w you just need to cut her some slack.

Edited by Imajerk17
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MidwestUSA

Is there some type of problem where you can't just pick up the phone and TALK to each other, rather than watching and analyzing who she may or may not be taking to, and speculating about what the other is thinking?

 

Seems like this could have been settled with one phone conversation.

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You're right. I was a bit passiv aggressive. I just don't know what she wants. She didnt act like she wanted me there, let alone talk to me. We talk about communication all the time, letting the other person know what we want and how we feel, even if it might hurt the other person.

 

But I have to accept the way she is communicating right now, which is was pretty obvious, right?

 

You have no idea how and I want to be there for her. I hate the distance between us and how unnatural it feels to be a family but not living together. But I have limits too. I'm not gonna run behind her if she withdraws like that.

 

she has to meet me half way.

 

I didnt tell her I was sick over and over for sympathy, I wanted honesty. I'm not gonna put myself out there, as much as I care for her, if I'm not welcomed. I also wanted her to know, if I came, it was for her and not to spare my feelings.

 

As far as being sick goes, I just had surgery in my abdomen and snuck out the hospital to see her in the middle of the night because she had a nervous break down (her mom committed suicide).

 

I'm also still recovering from watching my late wife and mother of my children die in my arms a year ago. Not undermining pregnancy, I admire the courage it takes to bear children and I see women as my equal, but I'm still grieving and trying to keep it all together at the same time.

 

It aint easy being with the father of your child who loves you but can't sleep at night because of another woman he also loved. I know that affects her and probably justifies her reasons for doing whatever she's doing.

 

I don't care about who she talks to or if I'm not the first person she writes. Hell, I've got female friends I talk to, too. All I want is honesty.

 

She tells me I'm the only one I'm talking to but I can't ignore all these signs. Just now when we finished talking on WhatsApp, we said our goodnights and ended our chats, 30 seconds later she sends me "see you tomorrow" and signs off immediately.

 

I wrote "Tomorrow?" because we have no plans seeing each other until Friday, something she initiated earlier.

 

Then she came back online, waited about 40 seconds to type "then we'll hopefully hear from each other...", "that's what I meant"

 

Obviously it sounded like she meant what it really means but the message was probably meant for someone else. I noted that it sounded like we're seeing each other but I let it go and she hurried offline.

 

This happened past midnight. If she's talking to someone else this late, then something is obviously going on.

 

What do you think I should do?

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Is there some type of problem where you can't just pick up the phone and TALK to each other, rather than watching and analyzing who she may or may not be taking to, and speculating about what the other is thinking?

 

Seems like this could have been settled with one phone conversation.

And say what?

Trust me, I've tried talking many times.

I can't talk to someone who's doesn't talk back.

Right now, she's silent and her action speaks for itself.

All I can do is observe

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Space Ritual
What do you think?

 

I think that its crazy as hell being in a LDR with a woman when she is Seven months Pregnant.

 

LDR's rarely work under the BEST of circumstances. That being said, All of this could have been settled by a TELEPHONE CALL just like Midwest says. when you use texting and other forms or electronic communication, it is often way to difficult to decipher tine in text. hence, why you ended up in really bad positions when it took a telephone call.

 

That however is not what bugs me most about you post.

 

What bugs me is the whole "I'm being kicked out of my place" Scenario.

 

That seems to not be an ordinary thing to happen to a pregnant woman who was close to term by her roommates unless something really bad happened between them.

 

So I am going to hold my tongue about the first thing that jumped to my mind in reading this until you can tell us exactly what would prompt this need to beat a hasty exit form her lodgings now...when she should have already been with you physically some time ago. I understand the independent thing and all, but you two are a team when it comes to the baby.

 

Something seems off...so if you can elaborate a little bit maybe I'll expound further. I'm the resident "Burn The Witches" member of the subforum so I don't want i put anything into your head unless I feel the need to is imperative.

 

I will say my Bullschnit Detector is redlining lol

 

So please answer for us if you can what the hell is getting her kicked out.

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vanhalenfan

First, stop using WhatsApp so you can stop over analyzing behavior....This "online/offline" BS that'll just drive you crazy. Why not just use regular texting and calling? Doesn't everyone have unlimited texting these days anyway?

 

I don't think many men would be interested in a woman who is 7 months pregnant, except for the father of the baby. But who knows, some men have fetishes :confused:

 

Communication is key here. Just ask her what's up. Tell her your observations! Stop guessing.

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First, stop using WhatsApp so you can stop over analyzing behavior....This "online/offline" BS that'll just drive you crazy. Why not just use regular texting and calling? Doesn't everyone have unlimited texting these days anyway?

 

I don't think many men would be interested in a woman who is 7 months pregnant, except for the father of the baby. But who knows, some men have fetishes :confused:

 

Communication is key here. Just ask her what's up. Tell her your observations! Stop guessing.

First of all I need everyone to know I'm the father of the baby

 

Second it doesn't matter what communication tool we use to talk it doesn't change the fact that something is obviously wrong in the way she is behaving and communicating

 

I want to express my concerns, my observations, without accusing her of anything or making her feel attacked. Just tell her how I feel and why. But no matter how neutral and respectful I talk to her, she always gets defensive and denies everything.

 

She doesn't want me to ask her what's going on or to tell her my observations, she wants me to trust her aka ignore all this **** and have faith.

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Space Ritual
First of all I need everyone to know I'm the father of the baby

 

I am very sorry that I feel I have to ask you: But this was where i was going...

 

Are you 100 percent sure?

 

I just can't wrap my had around an LDR with a pregnant girlfriend. I may be a bit old school but I think many of the members would agree with me that this is indeed not an everyday occurrence around here.

 

So can you answer us as to why she is getting bounced from her living arrangement now?

 

Unless you have omitted some very basic facts, I think answering this question is key for us to be better able to help you.

 

I would imagine that if she has female room mates that even though there was some kind of disagreement that a sisterly instinct in some form would take over when dealing with a baby. Again, I only speak for myself. But I still think that something pretty bad must have happened for her to get booted at this late date. This should be a time that is bringing you close and apparently that is NOT the case.

 

Something is not adding up here, man.

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Space Ritual
She doesn't want me to ask her what's going on or to tell her my observations, she wants me to trust her aka ignore all this **** and have faith.

 

Something is amiss.

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I am very sorry that I feel I have to ask you: But this was where i was going...

 

Are you 100 percent sure?

 

I just can't wrap my had around an LDR with a pregnant girlfriend. I may be a bit old school but I think many of the members would agree with me that this is indeed not an everyday occurrence around here.

 

So can you answer us as to why she is getting bounced from her living arrangement now?

 

Unless you have omitted some very basic facts, I think answering this question is key for us to be better able to help you.

 

I would imagine that if she has female room mates that even though there was some kind of disagreement that a sisterly instinct in some form would take over when dealing with a baby. Again, I only speak for myself. But I still think that something pretty bad must have happened for her to get booted at this late date. This should be a time that is bringing you close and apparently that is NOT the case.

 

Something is not adding up here, man.

Let's just say I'm very confident I'm the father.

 

Also, I have no reason to believe she's cheating on me.

 

I do know for a fact that she's not communicating with me and forthcoming about things.

 

The thing with her roommates. It was one person who started the whole thing, the other two are new and just went along. The leader; she's a antisocial control freak and wants everything to be in order and done on her schedule. She clearly has issues. Doesn't have anything to do with my bf's character or our problems.

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First l'd like to make ya feel better in that an hour away isn't long distance at all , hell that's around the corner.

Try on the other side of the planet, now that's long distance.

 

l dunno , try not to jump to conclusions just yet l reckon,could be a millions things , like those room mates, and sh@t. Think your gonna have to be patient and somehow suss it out without hassling her too much.

But l doubt a 7mth pregnant chick would be telling you to have faith - if she was up to no good or it involved another guy.

Somethings in the works but personally l don't think it's that.

 

Keep us posted yeah.

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LovelyRose

Hello there OP, my following comments and opinions are purely based on what you have written so far. I have a great feeling that a lot of important details are missing though.

 

Its obvious that you two have an issue to deal with still and one obvious thing is that's you still mourning over your late wife. My sincere condolences to you. That must be very tough for both sides.

 

You said you trust her and don't think she's cheating. So why does it bother you so much that she is online at WhatsApp? Is that a dating site or just like another form of messaging tool? Ever think about that maybe she is talking to another friend or family member? Is she not allowed to talk to anybody at all but you?

 

Being a woman is already complicated enough at times, but to be pregnant? You would never know what it's like. You're very uncomfortable, you can't control your emotions for the most part. She is 7 months pregnant and dealing with roommate drama and getting kicked out. That must feel like hell for her. I'm a mom so I know exactly what it feels like.

 

Communication is important key. You keep saying you are sick so she most likely doesn't want to ask you to come because she feels bad asking. Both of you are doing the same thing. You want to hear it directly from her but I can almost guarantee you that she also would just prefer you to just say you are on your way. I'm sorry but I give her the pregnant card. You should have just come. Or be totally honest and tell her you are not physically able to drive and its not safe, but will see her as soon as you are able to. Speaking for myself only, but it feels better if my man just Do something because he wants to and not because i asked for it or made him feel obligated.

 

An hour away? I'm so sorry dear but that is not long distance. I know lots of people that commute to work an hour or MORE just one way.

 

You say you do but it really sounds like you don't completely trust her and again, I feel like you missed to mention other important details.

 

Be straight forward, don't play mind games. Tell her what you want. If her being on whatsapp and her not responding fast enough bothers you then TELL HER.

 

But I'm sorry, i am leaning more on her side since I can totally relate to being pregnant and emotional. I'm not at all judging you so again, all this is purely based on what I have read. She is about to have your baby. Be extremely patient and more loving towards her. Last trimester is the hardest stage. Keep in mind, whatever she feels affects your baby!

 

Good luck!

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We talked about having a threesome before. We both agreed it's something we want to do eventually but it's nothing something we planned to do anytime soon.

She's 8 months pregnant and is taking anti depressives. Since the meds she hasn't been very sexual with me and it's hard for her to climax, which was never a problem before.

 

SO our sex life hasn't been very active the past 2 months, which I accepted. However, one night we went out to a art gallery and she became friends with some guy. They were a little too friendly and she tried to be "polite" about it, asking me if it was Ok, if she kept in contact with him.

 

Ever since then she's been bringing up the subject of having a threesome, saying she wanted to get active again. I knew it was a matter of time she was going to suggest her new "friend".

 

I played along, acting like I was cool with it, trying to see where this was going. The more I played along, the more she revealed what she wanted to do and with whom. She admitted she found him attractive and could picture having a threesome with him.

 

I asked her why him and she said "I don't know... it doesn't have to be him

but he seems pretty cool... why not?

 

I knew it was more than that but she won't admit it.

 

She said she would only do it if I want to but I can tell she really wants it to happen.

 

I agreed to having a threesome, now she's saying I don't have to participate if I don't want to, I could still watch. I asked watch what and she kept dodging that question at first but then said she wants to give him oral sex, if anything.

 

She even asked me if I would hold her while she has sex with him.

 

I really don't know what to do.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged for context ~6
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Um, I would say "No."

 

It doesn't sound like she is asking for a threesome, rather permission to cheat - in your presence. I'm all for doing whatever floats your boat... But, this is all about her and it doesn't sound like you are into this in the same way. Which would make it a "No."

 

There is something really wrong about a woman who is 8 months pregnant, taking antidepressants, who has had no interest in having sex with her child's father deciding that she wants to sleep with another man...

Edited by BaileyB
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Mrs. John Adams
We talked about having a threesome before. We both agreed it's something we want to do eventually but it's nothing something we planned to do anytime soon.

She's 8 months pregnant and is taking anti depressives. Since the meds she hasn't been very sexual with me and it's hard for her to climax, which was never a problem before.

 

SO our sex life hasn't been very active the past 2 months, which I accepted. However, one night we went out to a art gallery and she became friends with some guy. They were a little too friendly and she tried to be "polite" about it, asking me if it was Ok, if she kept in contact with him.

 

Ever since then she's been bringing up the subject of having a threesome, saying she wanted to get active again. I knew it was a matter of time she was going to suggest her new "friend".

 

I played along, acting like I was cool with it, trying to see where this was going. The more I played along, the more she revealed what she wanted to do and with whom. She admitted she found him attractive and could picture having a threesome with him.

 

I asked her why him and she said "I don't know... it doesn't have to be him

but he seems pretty cool... why not?

 

I knew it was more than that but she won't admit it.

 

She said she would only do it if I want to but I can tell she really wants it to happen.

 

I agreed to having a threesome, now she's saying I don't have to participate if I don't want to, I could still watch. I asked watch what and she kept dodging that question at first but then said she wants to give him oral sex, if anything.

 

She even asked me if I would hold her while she has sex with him.

 

I really don't know what to do.

 

so your girlfriend is taking ANTI DEPRESSANTS and she is 8 months pregnant...and she can't climax....and she decides she wants to have a threesome now...but you dont have to participate...so it would not actually be a threesome...just a twosome and you get to watch....and you are asking us what you should do.

 

Do I have this right?

 

Well...first...I hope she is under a doctors care while taking these anti depressives...you talk about...because many of them cause birth defects...but I am sure you already know this.

 

 

second...if you can't make her climax because of the anti depressives you speak of...then what makes her think giving oral sex to another man will help her to climax? (not sure how this works but i am willing to learn)

 

and how do you feel about just watching? I mean ...some guys really get off on it...but how do you personally feel?

 

If you are not comfortable watching your 8 month pregnant girlfriend sucking another guy...you really should probably not agree.

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RecentChange

Yikes. What antidepressants are safe to take while pregnant?

 

Why would anyone want to risk sex with a stranger while heavily pregnant!?

 

I would veto this right quick. Maybe Psychoactive drugs and late pregnancy hormones are causing her to make very poor choices?

 

I don't know, maybe I am an old fuddy-duddy​, but I think threesomes with strangers are probably best left to carefree couples, not ones that are preparing to bring a new life into the world.

 

Edited to add... Just saw your other thread. Are you sure she isn't already fooling around with this guy (gah, but who wants to get sexually involved with a woman who is 8 months pregnant!?)

Edited by RecentChange
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Mrs. John Adams
Yikes. What antidepressants are safe to take while pregnant?

 

Why would anyone want to risk sex with a stranger while heavily pregnant!?

 

I would veto this right quick. Maybe Psychoactive drugs and late pregnancy hormones are causing her to make very poor choices?

 

I don't know, maybe I am an old fuddy-duddy​, but I think threesomes with strangers are probably best left to carefree couples, not ones that are preparing to bring a new life into the world.

 

Edited to add... Just saw your other thread. Are you sure she isn't already fooling around with this guy (gah, but who wants to get sexually involved with a woman who is 8 months pregnant!?)

 

oh thank you RC...running to the other thread....

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So after reading your other post, I would have to say that this woman sounds a little off her rocker...

 

I would not be surprised if she wasn't at least talking with this other man... If not more.

Edited by BaileyB
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Mrs. John Adams

well at least in the other thread she is only 7 months pregnant...so we are making progress.....and he is almost certain it is his baby...so that part is good.

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RecentChange

Let's see....

 

She is heavily pregnant, living an hour away. Has erratic communication / behavior. Other people suggested that she could be cheating. She has met a new man and is communicating with him. She admits to liking this OM, has now asked that her BF watch them have sex....

 

OP is going through a ton, including losing the mother of his children a year ago (but new GF is 7-8 months pregnant?), and a surgery.

 

Girlfriend is heavily pregnant, living apart from boyfriend, mother recently committed suicide. She is on antidepressants, and now wants to have sex with another man.

 

You two have a LOT on your plate in a VERY short amount of time.

 

If this has any hope, things need to be simplified. She should live with you. You should both be communicating.

 

Her sucking another man's dick is not going to fix ANYTHING!

 

I don't understand how he is so confident in the paternaty of the child - how long were you two a couple before she became pregnant OP?

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I've not read any of the replies ...... but I think you got into this relationship far too quickly taking everything into account and furthermore, bringing a child into a relationship that isn't really totally stable wasn't the best idea.

 

 

You don't even live together so how well do you really know her in this time frame. You lost your wife a year ago and within a matter a matter of months, you have a girlfriend and she's 7 months gone!

 

 

It doesn't sound like you gave yourself time to grieve, or for your children to get used to the loss of their mother, before this new mother figure in their lives.

 

 

It all sounds like a hot mess to me.

 

 

Not trying to be negative, but I can't see this relationship lasting.

 

 

Do you have a fear of being alone or something?

 

 

All the drama about you feeling sick, would have annoyed me a bit TBH. She's heavily pregnant and it sounds like you're just being a bit needy.

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aliveagain

Stock up on DNA test kit's, unless your bi sexual, your in for a world oh hurt with this one. Everything mommy eats baby eats. Do not risk your baby. You can get an STD just from simple finger insertion. How old are you both?

Edited by aliveagain
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First, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss...

 

But, you definitely jumped to quickly into this relationship. There is more going on here than communication issues and distance...

 

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Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted link after thread merge ~6
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