My long distance relationship, can it work?

[baggiesfan]

Hi all, I have been searching for a suitable forum like this and I am pleased to have found this one. I have been corresponding with a lovely Ukrainian lady called Natalija for over seven months, the odd phone call, more to come while I am learning Russian. My friends and some family are hoping it is going to fail I am sure, they are so negative, Rich they say you cannot speak Russian, she might want to stay in Ukraine, she might not like you, she might not turn up at airport, for the record I am meeting her for the first time in July, we share so much in common, I am slightly older than her, but very romantic and caring guy, I am sure that is why I am single? I have tried in England to find a suitable and reliable lady but failed most times. I joined a dating agency and the usual many people I wrote to hoping to just start by a e-mail chat conversation, I had three Russian scammers, several African women, all after only money from me, not love or romance, then I was contacted by beautiful Natalija, the first time I saw her I was smitten, her photo I mean, then I could not believe she wrote back, and it has blossomed from there, down the road seven months and we are still writing, I am meeting her in July, so all seems well, but why is that in some ways I feel my friends either want me to fail, (maybe jealously?), my family try to put obstacles in front of me? I do not give up Nat cannot speak any English, and I am learning Russian, she worried about this but I try to relax her, saying Rich will do the worrying, I am falling in love with her and the trip in July is very very important to me, why are people so negative? it is no distance I say from U.K. to Ukraine, anyone similar or have any views? Take care Rich

[debs]

Rich,

 

I understand your view of this online romance but sorry most do not!

 

Most people have drawn the conclusion of defeat due to so many horror stories. The horror stories out weigh the success stories!

 

I have quite a few horror stories to contribute as well as my friends experiences!

But there are successes as well!!!!

 

I will say this to you, beware when you meet for the first time do not expect bells to ring in your heart and mind!

 

LDR take allot of work on both sides which you are finding out. One problem when you dealing with a foreign person is the "novelty" of it.

 

Sometimes that "novelty" is hidden with a secret agenda! Remember you are not on that side of the keyboard, you really do not know who is contributing to the conversation if your not viewing through a web cam every time you converse online!!!!

 

I do not mean to put a damper on your online romance, I am offering some logical thoughts about it!

 

Experience has taught me well from hanging with a 30s group on aim for 4 straight years! I have since left and find online life boring for the last 2 years. It was fun I learned allot form those kids and made some lasting friendships!

 

I wish you luck and if you wish to inquire further just PM me I be glad to help.

[baggiesfan]

Hi Debs Thankyou for your answer it makes alot of sense, the trouble with me in past relationships, I have been told that I am too romantic! I cannot help the way I am, I am both caring, honest, romantic but also funny (friends say this), and treat a woman with respect. I fully understand what you wrote, we still both have to meet in the flesh, and this could be very exciting or a huge dissapointment? I am just a guy with too many feelings that I want to share and air in public if you like. How about you Debs are you in a relationship now? Take care Rich

[debs]

lol ty Rich you sound like my LDR male friend in Nevada.

 

I am sorry but I have to scoot out the door to work, duty calls today!

If memory serves me correctly you are 6 hours behind me.

It is evening there and afternoon here!?

 

Yeah that is right. It will be 6am your time when I return from work!

So in the mean time take care and I will help you sort through this as much as I can!

 

Be open to information and be logical. Think instead of feel!

[baggiesfan]

Hi Debs, you are correct dear it is evening here, well when you wrote your last reply it was, you sound a very understanding lady dear, I would like to keep intouch with you if you do not mind, I am very much a people's person, easy going, I used to be a postman, so I enjoy interaction with many people. Have a not too stressed working day, speak soon hopefully Debs? Take care Rich

[Bunnylove]

I would say go for it! It's not the sensible thing to do and the chances of it working are slim...but you never know! I have just come out of a long distance relationship. It has been one HELL of a strugle though emotionally and finacially (not to mention sexually). They are NOT easy and after the romance of it wears off you REALLY have to put in the work. Would you consider moving there or her to you if it was working? Anyway look...as I said it's NOT sensible and you maybe have your lil heart broken but you have ONE frikin life so I say live it. You have a dream...i say follow it. The trip could be fun and if she is not the one you might meet somone else. I would go...just for the adventure...just to see if you guys have something. Did you ever see the film 'love Actally'? Where the guy met the girl and she was forein...couldnt speak english nor he her language. Love is a funny thing...in the end he went to see her in her country and learned enough to ask her to marry him. By that time she had learned enough english to say 'yes'. I wouldnt put too much thinking into it though. I wouldnt expect too much as a relationship is hard enough as you know...put a language barrier and a few thousand miles between you it can be the most difficut thing youll ever do. BUT there ARE couples out there that have met over the net and they got married. I would ask yourself how much commitment you want to give to that kind of relationship. If you think she realy is a go-er i would consider moving there..if only for a few months to really try it out.

 

 

I'm maybe the only one who might say this but GO GET HER!!! but be prepared...be strong....be happy whatever happens and love yourself first.

xoxo

[baggiesfan]

Hi Bunny, thanks for your reply dear, yes I agree with your sentiments, I am a person that has never let obstacles get in my way, I am currently learning Russian myself, and will teach her English in time, we have so much in common and she likes my romantic personality, I have this quality in abundance, it is just the way I am, some ladies like it some do not, I always reassure her in every letter, if she has any concerns or worries, and I am very patient guy who can wait for answers. I will go over there in July, despite some friends maybe thinking I should not, she is such a lovely girl and the amount of things we talk about and are alike are very encouraging. I wish you best wishes with whatever happens, are you seeing anyone else? after your last relationship ended. I could possibly move over there, but she could also come to live with me in U.K. we will take it one step at a time, I want to fall in love I am an old fashioned guy who still believes in courting a girl first and looking forward to the next date, not just trying to get her into bed at the first opportunity. Best wishes Bunny, take care Rich

[Bunnylove]

Yes I was seeing a guy and we in a LDR for a year 7 months...we broke up a couple of weeks back. The distance became too much for him in the end. It led to sexual frustration on BOTH our parts but I guess it's harder for a guy. We wanted a monogomus relationship but just wast realistic for him and he ended up kissing another girl which broke my heart and trust in our relationship. I'm still in love with him and still hopefull. I told him yesterday that IM not giving up just cause he is. i know we have alot of differences...probably cause of our backgrounds and living in different countries. But we worked hard to over come our differences as we were so much in love. At this point he feels it is too much work and he is exhausted. And with the distance on top he sees little point. I can't go work over there (in USA) unless i get a visa. We were pulling our hair out about it. I don't have anough qulaifications or experience in the right kinda work to get a visa. We talked about marraige and I feel that if he asked me now i would say yes. I feel we have/had a good base to start from...love and great communication. It helped us through alot. But he has given up i guess...but i'm not ready to give up yet. I'm happy in the knowledge that we are still in love and there is a possibility of him working here for a month in August. We can't afford the flights back and forth anymore and the phone bills are enormous. Its time for me to get my life together so eventually i can be with him. I hope he still loves me when it's time...or maybe in august he will forget all our bad stages, remeber how dear we are to each other and possibly grow up and see that there is no such thing as the PERFECT person...relationships take work and he to be ready to WORK. I know it can be exhausting...it is for me too...but I know he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and i'm not giving up. I even proposed that we try an open relationship. Not that I want to be with anyone else but I know it's very hard for him. He finds it easy to sleep around or be dating casualy...thats never been me though. i'm not sure how I will cope as I am very jelious (if we decided to go that route) but at least I can feel safe in the knowledge that he loves ME and not whoever is there to satify him sexually. I dont agree with it but at this stage i am willing to try anything. I know for sure that love is not possession...and if i truley love him i shouldnt judge him and when it comes to my jeliousy...I have to learn to deal with that emotion. I need to see if i can set my lil bird free and finds he comes home to me.

 

Good luck with your lover

xoxo

[baggiesfan]

Bunny, Which country are you from dear? there are many problems in a long distance relationship but agree that if you are in love then love has no boundaries. Bunny dear you say he finds it easy to sleep around, this bit would worry me, if he can do this what if you do get married, could you ever trust him? I know you say that love is not a possession but you need trust and some re-assurance. I have been cheated on many times by women in the U.K. who have gone back to their ex's and used me like a one-off, I used to be too soft but have toughened up alot, and now have this attitude that I do not care so much, I think it depends on the person, if you have something it is worth trying to work out, if I knew my lady was sleeping around or seeing someone casually, then it is good bye, however much she might like me, this is not on Bunny, please do not be used you sound a decent girl, why when there are so many decent loving men about? I am a nice guy and I just treat women with respect, do not crowd them, I am quite funny, my friends have told me and an easy to get on with guy, I am not bad looking and always my friends say they cannot believe I am single, I am single because I meet always the wrong woman, on the rebound or just not wanting a relationship. I hope you do the right thing dear, and Bunny do not let him treat you like this by seeing other women even if it is casualy, if like me you have alot of emotions and are sensitive, men need to know this with their women and vice versa. Good luck dear Rich

[Bunnylove]

I am from scotland! He lives in San Francisco!

 

We have broken up but I am still crazy about him. I know he still loves me too! we have been in touch almost every day since the break up. When I said he finds it easy to sleep around I didnt mean when we were together. He is the type of guy that loves women....in general he finds them easyer to get along with then men as he is very much in touch with his feelngs...(which generally men find hard to express)...he loves the way women can be open and expressive and of course loves thier bodies too. I have a lil problem with that but he says its just human nature. He can't help look at a beautifull women on the street. He would try not too when we were together though out of respect for my feelings. I'm thinking this is a guy thing when it comes to sex. I guess i want to learn and understand it more. He finds it easy to sleep aroud because he loves sex so much.....I dont think for him its just about getting off...its about having a human connection...to be physically touched etc. I can understand this as I am craving for him to be here and touch ME. Because we are so in love and dying to express that love in a sexual way...it makes us both horny and frustrated as there is no way for us to be together. For him I'm guessing he wants to freedom to express his sexuality and if i'm not THERE and other women ARE there and willing to play with him...he can find that he can enjoy himself...but he would still rather be doing it with me of course. The women over there are very much like him...they are not scared to flirt or be sexual in a casual way (without love) as I guess its just about play. I decided to try this way of being so I'll share my story:

 

The other night I was so hard up I ended up doing some stupid things. i took into account the way he was about sex and life and I decided to go get drunk with some friends. I had a bit of a wild night but it was slightley embarressing. I was at my friend's party and two of my close friends were giving me a group hug. The next thing I know (which is very much out of charater for me) was to start kissing the guy. He started to kiss me back and the other girl started to kiss him. Once i firgured what I had just started i ran away in fear of what I had just become. I knew I was extreemly sexually frustrated. they took me into a room to calm me down and I apologised for my actions. they said it was ok and nothing to be ashamed about...they understand that im confused over the brake up. i told them I still felt bad cause if they would let me I still wanted to have sex......the next thing my (girl) friend jumped on me and started to make out with me. i thought my (male) friend would join in but he said he would leave us alone....at that point I wanted to leave but my (girl) friend kept on kissing and groping me! she wanted me to stay but I had to go....i was ruining our friendship and i really am not into girls i just wanted my body to be satified. When i think back i feel yucky and embarressed (I was VERY drunk).

 

Next thing I decided to do was go into town....i couldnt (shouldnt) be doing this to my freindships. i went to a club and kissed a couple of guys....one in particular. He were danicing and kissing and I was actiing like a whore. i put his hand up my top and down my pants. He was very fit and was bursting with muscles. I was enjoying the attesion but I realised that it wasnt turning me on ..AT ALL!!! WHAT WAS I DOING?

 

I left the dancefloor but he followed me and took my number. I decided to give it incase i get desperate again and better to call him then come onto my friends.

 

The next day...god...i was sick and hung over! i was ashamed. i called my ex and cried....what had become of me. He felt bad for me being so upset but wasnt at all hurt that I was doing this with other people. he said it would only hurt if I fell in love with another person.

 

Looking back i could see that i was having some kinda brake down....I am not that sexual a person unless im in love and in a relationship. I'm guessing im so frustrated that I cant be with daniel that I was looking for satifaction else where....and IF ONLY I COULD do that then i would understand daniel more. Unfortunetly i couldnt.....NOTHING that happened that night turned me on....I had kissed and been felt up by fit guys...girls...possibly a threesome (which I have NEVER done) but NOTHING NO ONE...did it for me. I have decided that I CANNOT get turned on OR have sex with a person unless we are in love and together exclusively. To me (as i always knew) sex is about expression of love.....it should be pure...not about 'getting off'. i dont think i will ever even try again.

 

In my lil explorations i found this out about myself....now i am having issues with the way daniel is. HOW can he go have sex with someone else and enjoy it when he is in love with me? he says i should read up about male sexuality so i can understand better.

 

When i was writing before i was in a place where i thought I might be ok with an 'open' relationship...where we can still be in touch and n love and possibly one day be together. But it means that he can still sleep with other people. I'm trying REALLY hard hear to understand this kind of mentallity as I love him so much. It's just that i belive i have tried now with other people and its not what I want and it only leaves me more frustrated and feeling dirty and shamfull. ALL i want is daniel...to express my love with HIM ...no one else....it FEELS wrong.....why doesnt it feel wrong for him>?

 

Is this a guy thing?

[baggiesfan]

Bunny dear it is a guy thing, we all go out to look and chat women up, I am the exception, I want to fall in love and be with somebody who wants to be with me, I have had a one night stand before and it was not me, I need to be with someone who cares and is in tune with my romantic personality, sex is not everything, but sex is something you have when you are with someone you love, infact you might find me not your normal guy, I could not have sex with someone I hardly know, but then I am an old fashioned guy who still believes in courting a girl, looking forward to next date, the love thing is big with me, I like to listen to music and express my feelings in my letters to my Ukranian lady, I love nature and open spaces, we talk about all this in our regular contact through letters. I like sex though Bunny but it is not the end of the world for me, sure I see women and think I would like to go to bed with her, but I see the personality and I need to be able to find out more about that person, also I need love and romance myself, I suppose I am a little soppy. I hope you can sort this out with your guy Bunny, if you think he is the one then try to pull out all the stops, the one thing I do not like is using women I am not that sort of guy, you have certainly convinced me about your feelings, what you had was a bit of fun with your friends and that guy, do not feel too hard on yourself, you did not sleep with him, so it was not too bad. I hope you can work things out, it is hard to have a long distance relationship but many obstacles can be overcome. Take care Rich

[Bunnylove]

Thanx rich!

 

guess i'm finding that causual sex is not for me! i have to be attracted to them physically and by thier personality. I don't think i could feel that way about another man while I am so in love with daniel! I'm just wondering how HE could! I need to understand better this GUY thing...by the way he is not the kind of person to USE women...the women over thier are very much like him...they like sex in whatever form and like to play! For him i know that is he has sex with another women he would have to feel SOME form of conncetion to them. I dont like that thought though and would prefer it to be ONLY about sex and not the actual person. He says he has learned alot from me that he should be carefull when having casual affairs with women. Carefull and respectfull and abouve all honset. I know he is already going out with other women who don't want a relationship which is perfect for him...still i HATE the thought of him being so intimate with another...i need to understand more...still glad there is guys like you around...the old fashioned type....you are few and far between rich!!!

 

good luck with you too

[baggiesfan]

Thanks Bunny for you best wishes, I also wish you all the best, I have friends who I do not see as often as I used to, when we went out it was more of a contest to see who could pull the women, they found me a little stange that I could not act like them, sure every guy wants to be able to be chatting up a girl it is a ego thing, I have never really been scared to chat women up and have become more extrovert and not shy like I used to. I still have this old notion that you should treat a girl with respect and you should get it back? I like buying flowers, taking a picnic on the spur of the moment and not organising things just acting on impulse, of course some women like this others do not! I think that I have just been maybe too soft in past and let women walk all over me, I have toughened up, but still cannot hide my romantic personality, I like to talk and chat alot to friends, male and some female friends, to understand their feelings, I am a good listener with being a postie you met all kinds of people, I even chatted up a few girls, they admired this, but hence no long term relationship. For you Bunny I know you are in love with this man, I hope he is in love with you the same way, I disagree dear about casual flings or flirting, it is okay if you are single, but with you he should be honest, I am not saying he is not, do not get that wrong, but I had a few replies the same time I had Natalija answer my letter on dating, I wrote to them out of politeness and also exchanged a few letters, but since then with my name still being on the dating agency I have had a few more, but I would not start getting involved until me and Nat either got together in a relationship or had not worked it out together. You sound a really nice woman, it is good to talk to other people even if you cannot see their face, I would by all means send you a pic of me, to see who I am? but it is entirely up to you, and I hope you sort this out. Take care Rich

[Bunnylove]

Thanx again Rich! Don't really need a pic though...maybe if I was interested in other man i would be curious to whether I would be attracted to you but I'm not as I love Daniel. I know he loves me too...he has been honest...we are no longer together...But I'm feeling like I dont want to give up....that maybe there is another way to make this work. We are still in love but he says its just not the right time or whatever. My fear is we lose contact...fall out of love...never see him again. i thought i might suggest that we keep going with being in contact and in love but have the freedom to see other people. I persoanlly found that i dont want to though but I know he COULD and WOULD have casual sex if he can get it...(and he will)..and maybe if its only casual...his heart will stay with me. Its a lil hard for me to understand how guys can be in in love with one person and sleep with another though! so many guys cheat on thier partners! i thought if i let him free to chose...he will still love me and we can one day be together! and this way there IS no cheating or lieing! i need help though as i am very jelious. I know if we were together (in the same country) he would want monogamy. Its just the distance Rich...I hear what he is saying and it makes sense....I just want to understand beter!

[baggiesfan]

Hi Bunny, Yes dear I can really see you are going through a tough time wanting this man, I did not mean anything by sending my pic, it sometimes helps to see the face that you are writing to. I feel like I am in love with Natalija but she has distance between us, and like you dear I get anxious and I suppose would be jealous if she was seeing someone else, we both have a disadvantage here, that we do not know what is really going on over in the U.S. and Ukraine, but it can also be the other way as well. Dear I know it is hard and it never is easy but try to think of other people as well, and not let this be the only man you seek, I know you are in love with him that is not the issue but try to concentrate on meeting other friends, and go out with them (ladies), I mean, focus on your enjoyable things you like doing, I find when I work from home I wonder often what Nat is doing? I panic when she does not write as often thinking something has gone wrong? She is a very attractive girl as well, and I think she always will meet a more handsome man, but what I do tell her is that I have far more qualities than just what alot of women seek is good looks, I am not bad looking but do not consider myself handsome. I get fed up with women who always say I am too nice and I should be with someone. I found Bunny that alot of women I met do not want to take the chance, I have been on a couple of dating agencies but always seem to attract the wrong types. I have tried to be scammed out of money by various women, writing their care and how much they want to meet with me, but I never fall for that trap. I just want you to not put all your eggs in that basket, dear you have worries like me about him having a fling, I have about Nat, but we both will not know anyway. Keep in contact and see how it goes, no distance is too great if you love each other, love though has to be felt on both sides, and true love can cross many bridges. Best wishes Rich

[bluetuesday]

how on earth are you communicating, let alone discovering you have 'so much in common' if she doesn't speak english and you don't speak much russian?

 

i'm sorry but i think you've been blinded by a photograph (which may or many not be of this person) and your family and friends have every reason to be cautious on your behalf.

 

an online romance is fraught with danger. trust me, i'm an expert. even if you speak the same language there are many, many things you cannot know about a person until you have spent a good deal of time in their company.

 

maybe it will work out and be wonderful but just be aware that this is pretty unlikely to happen. you may in fact get very hurt by the difference in your perception of this woman and the truth.

 

the internet is great for many things. but maybe sometimes it brings us together with people whom we were never meant to meet.

[baggiesfan]

Blue, I am sorry you are way off the mark, we communicate through a translation agency, her letters are written in Russian and translated into English and vice versa, we have chatted through interpetor and have very much a fighting chance, my trip is booked for July and this will be what we have said will happen, that we need to meet in flesh. On your other concern I have had checks done on Natalija through various sources and many other people's help with this, so I am as good as ready for what could be a huge dissapointment for one of us, or the perfect match. So this will be no longer be a online romance, I am not blinded by what could happen I am seizing this with both hands, my friends and family just worry which is natural. Rich

[bluetuesday]

of course you think i'm way off the mark. that's an essential element in your thinking this is going to work.

 

but all i have done is urged caution.

 

we see in others what we want to see when they're in front of us, let alone when we project onto them from a distance.