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Am I destroying it all?


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GirlInTrouble

I'm 31, he is 40. We have been seeing each other since last June almost every day up until I got a job abroad. Then we went LDR.

We had our set of problems already before that. He thinks I'm too insensitive as I like talking to people pretty straightforward and not trying to not hurt people's feelings including his. Of course it's not like I'm bursting things out to people's faces; but when I need to talk then, it's rather realistic from my point of view. He is more into avoiding saying hurtful stuff and that annoys me, cos I'm more into knowing the truth and sharing your negative and positive experiences with people without getting overloaded and trying to stay neutral while discussing. While he might get too stubborn or emotional when discussing unpleasant stuff for a little too long. Often, I feel that he misinterprets things I'm saying. Turns them upside down and sees them from his point of view, which is often negative to his feelings.

It's just like, he only thinks that being straightforward equals being insensitive to people's feelings, because he's got a problem with it. And I think that it's most often caused by his refusal to see things from my point of view. He tends to take a negative look at what I'm saying. i feel he takes things too personally. He is getting offended too fast. And often feels sulky. Sometimes it's just enough for him to hear one unpleasant sentence and he's out of the game like forever. And then it's me trying to fix up things, cos I can't take hanging around him when he is being like a vegetable (physically there, but pretty much withdrawn).

But at the end of the day, I'm getting tired of myself feeling like a man - I'm putting a lot of initiative into fixing things, also often I need to come up with ideas of what to do when we meet up. It's always me wanting to meet and talk with him so badly, but he never shows an emotion about it. He may propose for a meetup, but he doesn't often show like he has missed me. Or if he can't meet me, he's never like "damn, can't make it this time". He's rather like - "you know, I need to go there, do that".

 

We have been in LDR since October. We always text good night when one of us decides to go to bed, normally he is the first one to go to bed.

We spent a couple of weeks together over Christmas time. We had our good and bad moments.

 

Fast forward to the current situation ...

A few days ago he texted me late at night when i was about to go bed after a difficult shift. I said I'm about to crash. But he wen't on and on. I didn't complain, I was still happy (although slow due to tiredness) to text with him and he seemed excited as well. Then about 20 minutes into conversation he disappeared. I was waiting for an answer for 2 minutes, then I said, its taking too long for you to text back, so imma go to bed now. So I did.

Next day, I saw he had texted back after a couple of minutes. He had gone to the restroom. I texted him back, I said I was annoyed that he left me there waiting for an answer, while he knew I was about to crash and was actually talking to him at the expense of my valuable sleeping time. Of course, I knew, he would not like it... that's it, he said I'm being hypocritical (cos i'd done a similar thing to him, not just once. Sometimes I won't let him go to bed, cos I was too much into discussing something with him, although he'd told me that he really need to sleep). So, I said it's not hypocritical, cos I was only complaining about you leaving me alone waiting for a response without a knowledge of where he'd gone/what happened, I'm not complaining about you keeping me up at night; but you are complaining about me keeping you up while I can't stop texting to you. Thats a different thing. So, he still can't see it from my point of view and he's saying: first, you are being hypocritical for doing the same thing for me, secondly you are complaining about me going to the toilet. I'm like... look first it's not a big issue, I'm just saying about the way I felt last night and nothing else... and then he carried on with his point of view of the situation. he said, if i have a right to complain about his actionas, then he has a right to complain about my actions.. I said you are supposed to be supportive and understanding first and then nicely explain the situation to me, not taking an offense and then attacking me..... and that went on for too long to describe it all, and he wouldnt give up his position, saying I'm trampling on his point of view....

So, since after that fight he has been quite quiet. He stopped saying good night every night. I tried texting to him, but he was not being too talkative. Giving only short answers and not starting conversations. He only sent a couple of funny internet meems a day thats it.. Then I went quiet as well, started feeling more apathetic. I didn't even answer to his meems any more. Then he was like, looks like you are ignoring me now, let me know when you are back. then we had a big conversation again, about him not being talkative. He said it was because of my hypocrisy and the way we were talking about it for too long. so we ended up having a row again until he had to go to bed.. next day i tried to act normal, i picked up a conversation to catch up on a couple of things. he was only talking to me as much was needed to talk about the matter and nothing else. an hour after the last conversation he said good night. next day which is today I didnt start a conversation, and so silly of me to try and hope for him to initiate anything... :(

I've cried a lot, I've cried for him before, and I'm not sure if he's ever shed a tear for me.

I'm just feeling so useless for him now. I want to scream. I want to fix everything and I hate this silence. I don't know what to do.... And I don't really know what he is going through. I think he is just being careful, trying to not get hurt... cos everything seems to hurt him.. he also said in one of our conversations that his feelings are cooling

 

Please guys, I need your opinions and support...

What do you think of it all?

What should I do?

Or what should he do?

Why is he acting like that?

How to tolerate this situation and be patient?

How to make him talk to me like normal?

Am I stupid?

Am I rude?

Do you think I don't have a life?

ETC

 

Thanks!

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Often, I feel that he misinterprets things I'm saying. Turns them upside down and sees them from his point of view, which is often negative to his feelings.

 

Honestly, from here and the rest that I have read. It sounds like you both have major compatibility issues. Your communications styles are different, which isn't necessarily bad. It's just that you both seem to clash when trying to communicate because neither of you can come to an agreement on how the other should react/respond in conversation with each other.

 

When you talk about the texting issue, I really think you probably should ease up when it comes to "disappearing" via text. It's not like he intentionally ghosted on you. You did lash out on him a bit there.

 

I'm sure there are people here who could give you better advice, I'm just saying what I see. Honestly, I think you both are likely two people who are just incompatible because of your communication styles. You're going to keep bumping heads if you don't get to the middle of it. If it's not already too late.

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Honestly, from here and the rest that I have read. It sounds like you both have major compatibility issues. Your communications styles are different, which isn't necessarily bad. It's just that you both seem to clash when trying to communicate because neither of you can come to an agreement on how the other should react/respond in conversation with each other.

 

When you talk about the texting issue, I really think you probably should ease up when it comes to "disappearing" via text. It's not like he intentionally ghosted on you. You did lash out on him a bit there.

 

I'm sure there are people here who could give you better advice, I'm just saying what I see. Honestly, I think you both are likely two people who are just incompatible because of your communication styles. You're going to keep bumping heads if you don't get to the middle of it. If it's not already too late.

 

I agree. I think you over-reacted to that, OP. My sense is that you lashed out because you're already frustrated with him and the state of the relationship, though.

 

Having said that, you two could both work on your communication skills. You're both accusing each other of not communicating properly and I don't see a lot of patience or understanding on either end. You say you feel attacked by him, and he very likely feels attacked by you too.

 

I think if you want to try to work on this, you will need to speak to him on the phone. In my experience, texting is one of the worst ways to talk about problems because it's not a continuous conversation in which you can look for non-verbal cues and keep an adequate flow of conversation going. There is far too much room for misinterpretation through texting. You both need to agree to leave the heavy stuff for phone, Skype or in-person conversations.

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GirlInTrouble
You're going to keep bumping heads if you don't get to the middle of it. If it's not already too late.

 

How to get to the middle of it? :(

What should be done?

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GirlInTrouble
I agree. I think you over-reacted to that, OP. My sense is that you lashed out because you're already frustrated with him and the state of the relationship, though.

 

That's probably true. Also I was really exhausted.. and the conversation went on and on and on... even though i'd told him, i was about to crash.. that was still ok, but when he disappeared, that was awful..

next day he said, he didnt feel like i was tired... i said of cos not.. cos i decided to be good to you and talk to you when you needed to, and i did it to you from i heart, so i was not going to remind him every 5 minutes that i need to sleep...

 

To date, I don't really get it why is it considered as "leashing out".

I just wanted to share my worry with him and discuss it, not to have it at eachothers throats. I just said, it was an unpleasant feeling that he made me feel that night. I want him to know the way I'm feeling about anything and give me advice. Cos whenever, hes got a complaint about something, I would listen carefully and support him and also tell my opinion if he is interested, I'm not calling him a hypocrite or any names. I'm trying to see his point of view and trying to change the situation, at least try... and i expect him to do something similar.

Then, how the heck am I being a hypocrite and complaining about him going to the toilet?? I just wanna share my life with him, good or bad.

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GirlInTrouble

I think if you want to try to work on this, you will need to speak to him on the phone. In my experience, texting is one of the worst ways to talk about problems because it's not a continuous conversation in which you can look for non-verbal cues and keep an adequate flow of conversation going. There is far too much room for misinterpretation through texting. You both need to agree to leave the heavy stuff for phone, Skype or in-person conversations.

 

The worst part of it is that he never said that he wanted to have a video conversation. Of cos Im sure, hed agree, if i proposed. But I also wanna see some initiative from his side, cos as I said, I'm tired of being a "man" in the relationship. I wanna feel that there is a man caring for me and supporting me.

He's only sent a couple of short videos of him during our LDR and in there he is not talking much either. So I've hardly heard his voice, seen his face....

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You need to pick your battles better. He's probably not texting back as much because its turning into a stupid fight. Who wants to do that?

 

And why not just call him?? Especially at night, before you go to bed. You can have a real conversation in half the time and so much easier than stupid texting.

 

You are wanting more from him than he is. You can't change him. You want the relationship to evolve to something else. He is who he is. You can't change him. If you want change, YOU have to change.

 

Stop freakin texting. Dial the phone and talk to him. And stop that stupid text fighting over stupid sh&t, and be nice, or he will find someone who will be nice.

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GirlInTrouble

You are wanting more from him than he is. You can't change him. You want the relationship to evolve to something else. He is who he is. You can't change him. If you want change, YOU have to change.

 

Stop freakin texting. Dial the phone and talk to him. And stop that stupid text fighting over stupid sh&t, and be nice, or he will find someone who will be nice.

 

Of cos I can't change him... but it's getting ridiculous that too often that we have misunderstanding we bump eachothers heads and then he gets sulky.

I feel we need a solution here how to keep it flowing.

 

Even if I were to call/text him now, I wouldn't know what to tell him, cos I'm so pissed with everything. I'm pissed that he doesn't start a conversation, even though I was talking nice to him the last time. It would be like calling to a different planet. I'm scared that it's going to be an one-sided conversation making me even more pissed, just like it was i texted him last time, he only answers to what im saying and thats it, hes not getting into it too much.

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Of cos I can't change him... but it's getting ridiculous that too often that we have misunderstanding we bump eachothers heads and then he gets sulky.

I feel we need a solution here how to keep it flowing.

 

Even if I were to call/text him now, I wouldn't know what to tell him, cos I'm so pissed with everything. I'm pissed that he doesn't start a conversation, even though I was talking nice to him the last time. It would be like calling to a different planet. I'm scared that it's going to be an one-sided conversation making me even more pissed, just like it was i texted him last time, he only answers to what im saying and thats it, hes not getting into it too much.

 

You need to speak with him when you ARE NOT pissed. That is the issue here. As ExpaitInItaly stated, neither of you are being patient and trying to be understanding with each other in communication. It's easy to say that we've been understanding AFTER the fact, but you have to be that way when you converse with each other. Wait till you've finished being angry, give him a call, let him know that you would like to see if he can initiate conversation more, let him know how you feel. If you both can't come to an agreement, it may just be time to split.

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Long distance relationships are very difficult in the best of circumstances. You were having problems before he left; those problems will be magnified because you can't talk face to face like you did before.

 

You really need to stop getting pissed at things you have no control over. You want him to do things that he just isnt doing, and it sounds like its just the way he is. You have to either accept how he is and stop trying to change how he acts, or find someone you get along with better.

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We have been seeing each other since last June almost every day up until I got a job abroad.
Which was when?

 

What do you think of it all?
I know that kind of pain. I guess it happens. It happens even when people are not LD. But here LD might be the cause, especially if these issues never emerged when being near each other. You mentioned perceiving things differently, but I guess that happens between most men and women. Other aspects are about one's personality, like being more diplomatic or more straightforward. I usually don't sugarcoat it, and he knows. If I have something to say that might displease him, then I might just not say anything, in which case I can be asked about it, and then I'll say "You don't want to know". When he's very tired or if he's down already or we don't have time to discuss, he just lets it go, but then maybe the next day he asks me about that. And when I end up telling him, I first ask him not to be bothered by it. It usually works. I hope it was not too confusing.

 

What should I do?
Stop playing the man in the relationship. That's for a start. You're sort of in a fighting streak.

 

Or what should he do?
He should make things better somehow, and if it's at loss for ideas, he should at least ask you what he could do to make things better. I am usually bothered by that kind of question, as I think that if you do something wrong, you first try to fix it. Then if whatever you come up with doesn't work, you can try and ask, so that you come to a solution that suits both.

 

Why is he acting like that?
Do you know anything about Pavlov's classical conditioning? That's basically what happened. Reiterated arguing developed that kind of reaction in him. Avoidance.

 

How to tolerate this situation and be patient?
You need to count on yourself for that. On your resources. With the hope (if you wish to continue the relationship) that he will hold on too. You could have a word code, and as soon as you feel something's turning into an argument, you say the magic word and you'll stop any conflict, changing subject or the way that you will agree to. Or you could count up to 200. You manage the way you want, but it needs to be addressed ASAP. The constant arguing is only damaging the relationship.

 

How to make him talk to me like normal?
Try to be sweet and always arrange some alone time with him, to recreate some intimacy even when you're far away from each other. It can't always be about news, chit chat or serious talks.

Am I stupid?
I can't judge that. You asked for help here, you're trying your best to find a solution, so that would make me think you're not stupid.

Am I rude?
People who are very direct can be perceived as rude. But his first step needs to be thinking that you never mean bad. Anyway, I have nothing to base my judgement on. So I can't tell if you're rude, even occasionally.

 

Do you think I don't have a life?
How is this related to what's happening between you two? Like you're focusing too much on the relationship? Spending too much time analysing issues between you two?
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GirlInTrouble

It was in October when I went abroad.

 

"If I have something to say that might displease him, then I might just not say anything, in which case I can be asked about it, and then I'll say "You don't want to know". When he's very tired or if he's down already or we don't have time to discuss, he just lets it go, but then maybe the next day he asks me about that. And when I end up telling him, I first ask him not to be bothered by it. It usually works. I hope it was not too confusing."

 

I can totally relate to it.

I've tried a similar method before. When he sees I'm worried (and sometimes too scared toopen my mouth), then he asks what am I thinking about, and I'm like... You don't wanna know... norally he says, that I could still tell him. And after being told, a big discussion follows, that may get unpleasant, cos he's taking things very directly, in a way that's worse for him... i'd call it as misinterpretation... just like the story I started this thread with.

So, next time I might as well ask him not to be bothered...

 

"Stop playing the man in the relationship. That's for a start. You're sort of in a fighting streak."

 

Yes boss,but how?

 

"How is this related to what's happening between you two? Like you're focusing too much on the relationship? Spending too much time analysing issues between you two?"

 

It's hard to explain, but yes I think I mean something similar. Overthinking, not being calm, obsessive thoughts (expecting too much from him all the time), thinking about him too often... it may often affect my other performances, when i find myself worried, i might feel physically sick... so basically im concentrating on him and become disinterested in anything else.

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how?

By stopping your efforts to fix things every single time. Let him take turns at least in fixing things. Let him show you he cares. If he doesn't and is ready to give up right away, then it's not someone with whom it'd be healthy to plan anything, any long-term project in life. You need someone by your side, not rowing against you at every step you take.

 

Overthinking
Get a new hobby, an online course, whatever, to get distracted. Go out more often, hang out with friends. Join some association where you have regular meetings.

 

not being calm
Take yoga classes.

 

See how it goes.

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GirlInTrouble

 

Take yoga classes.

 

See how it goes.

 

I do yoga almost every day at home... that in general helps a lot with my health

The thing is... once I get depressed, I don't wanna do anything, I start feeling sick and lose my calm. I lose my appetite and point of life. Everything I do, is actually running on autopilot. It's like a dead man walking. Yes, I do lose my desire for yoga as well, in which case I still might do it or if I'm too depressed I might postpone it for later or next day.

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I have had situation like your having with the text side of it. It like your waiting for that next from them. When they type short answers.

 

Me: So you say how was your day today?

Her: Ok

Me: Are you free Friday night?

Her: After 7 pm

Me: Come over to watch a movie and I'll order pizza

Her: idk = I don't know

 

Your case LDR

 

You: Hey

Him: Hey

You: How was your day

Him: Ok

pause for 20 minutes

You: Are you there

pausing..

 

This would drive me crazy waiting so long. If they're interested in your time they won't pause so long they're be so excited to talk to you. Got to watch what they do. Not rock science here it's they're behavior.

 

Sounds like to me you and him are not getting along 100% why don't you call on the phone and talk. Skype is okay but after awhile it can get dull also. You really need someone on the same page as you, that can say good night and good morning. When they do that they're into you. Then you have some with mental disorders that can change everything you know. They're so stressed, depress or have high anxiety, or just feeling sad and blah..

 

This is what you have to put up with but you can do other things in life to make you feel good inside and out. If your not happy and the communication is awful like this then move on.. Just maybe the right guy will appear!

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