I'm tired, and drained, and I don't know what to do........

[EC]

I'm so drained guys....

 

I'm always here to give people hope and help them with their LDR's..but now I'm the one that needs the hope. I'm so tired already and emotionally drained, I am sad, miserable and lonely.

 

I mean I don't always feel this way..but for the past month I haven't been happy.

 

I need to vent....I'm tired of not having someone here to have and to hold, I'm tired of spending weekends alone, I'm tired of just having the phone to communicate, I'm tired of not being a part of his life up there.

I'm tired that during the week he is perfect with me and then the weekend routine starts and come Friday he's drunk by 3:00 in the afternoon and constantly partying all weekend. ( he says he goes out and drinks to forget how much he misses me) but I'm tired of hearing that too.

 

He's coming down next week for a whole week and yeah we are going to have a great time but then he's going to leave again and the routine will continue.

 

He's moving down here to be here forever in a couple months but I don't think I can take it anymore (but I have waited a whole year why give up now) (why not hold out a couple more months)

 

Lately I've been voicing my concerns but he thinks that lately I've become more whiney and jealous.

 

I love him I really do and now I am so confused. I don't know what to do? I'm just Blah.....

[Artifact]

Do you think you can hold on a couple more months? It sounds like there must be something else you are concerned about, or probably those months wouldn't seem so unbearable.

[tiki]

EC, you know how right before you go on vacation, you almost get delirious? Ya start acting crazy and irrational, just because you can't wait to get the hell outta town?

 

^ Do you think your feelings are anything like that?

 

Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd

Friday he's drunk by 3:00 in the afternoon and constantly partying all weekend. ( he says he goes out and drinks to forget how much he misses me) but I'm tired of hearing that too.

 

Wait it out. If he's moving here in a couple months, stand by him and wait for his permanent return. You've been with him for this long, and you seem to be 'lifeless' without him. See if he continues the drinking, and you'll see if his excuse is legit or lame-O.

[EC]

I know I feel as if I have waited for sooo long that to give up now would be insane..but I am so unhappy?

 

I feel as if I have waited a year and now he's coming down to finally settle down with me but he has had his life up there and I feel as if I have put mine on hold. But I really haven't I mean I moved out, got a new job, I have gone out, I have constantly been trying to keep myself busy but I guess it's just not the same to do all those things alone.

 

And I am happy even without anyone so it's not like I have to depend on him to make me happy but you know when your in love and you do have someone they make you happy.

 

I don't know if it's just the new BC pills talking or what but lately I feel as if I want to just give up and be alone.

 

"Im Mr. lonely..I have nobody to call my own..so lonely.." Lol I was just hearing the song.

 

EC, you know how right before you go on vacation, you almost get delirious? Ya start acting crazy and irrational, just because you can't wait to get the hell outta town?

 

I know exatly what you mean. And you get irritated and annoyed at everything.

[tiki]

Well, you've got two options.

 

1. Hang on

2. Let go

 

But quit being in limbo about it.

 

 

--If he's coming to town and you decide to 'hang on'....give it a REAL chance. Not a pre-conceived notion.

 

--If you 'let go'...let go now, before he makes this huge move.

 

The choice is yours, EC. Only you know this relationships and it's in's and out's.

[moimeme]

I can't imagine a person wanting to give up on someone they claim to love when being together is so close. Is it possible that something inside you is saying it doesn't really want a serious relationship with this person? That issues between you have piled up until you have realized this is not someone you actually want to be with?

[EC]

I can't imagine a person wanting to give up on someone they claim to love when being together is so close. Is it possible that something inside you is saying it doesn't really want a serious relationship with this person? That issues between you have piled up until you have realized this is not someone you actually want to be with?

 

Wow Moimeme I think you just solved half my problem.

 

After reading this part of your post I figured out what was half wrong with me..

I can't imagine a person wanting to give up on someone they claim to love when being together is so close.

I think I am subconsciously thinking that after all this time it's finally here. All the waiting, all the suffering, all the pain for that moment that he will come down forever to be with me. I feel that the pressure is on. I'm sacred.

[d'Arthez]

Hey, EC, your bf is your bf for a ton of reasons. If you do want to hold on to him, think of these reasons. It is only a couple of months, and then you are together-together.

 

I am fairly new here, but concerning your relationship with him you seem to be some sort of drama-queen. You go from one extreme to the other, and in fact have had break-up fears and issues in the recent past. LDR are damn hard, I know. Not to judge you, but that has also consequences on the way you read people around you.

 

The first person who should know that beside you is your bf. So I can understand the following does not help to put your mind at ease.

Friday he's drunk by 3:00 in the afternoon and constantly partying all weekend. ( he says he goes out and drinks to forget how much he misses me) but I'm tired of hearing that too.

The fact is that the current state of affairs is not healthy for the both of you. You realize that and your bf at least expresses that by getting drunk on Fridays and partying.

 

Without a doubt, your past insecurities are flaring up again (even if caused by new BC-pills). But are they real? and if so, what can you do, to resolve the issues you seem to have?

 

But to keep yourself busy to forget about the situation is not right. Busy is too negative, if you are out and enjoying life, it is good. To get drunk to forget he is not with you is not right. I don't know how far he takes it, but it can be a very serious issue. But the best thing is to assume that he is telling the truth.

 

It might be true that you two have grown apart. That can happen in LDRs, especially if the both of you are quite young. I don't think that has happened though.

 

It might be a possibility that you are scared that since the two of you will be together, the both of you have a lot of adjustments to make to your life-styles. I can't see you allowing your bf, to be wasted for almost 3 days straight when you have every weekend together. But the only way to find out, is by trying and finding out.

 

Good luck to you

[EC]

But the only way to find out, is by trying and finding out.

 

 

 

d'Arthez ...Thanx yeah through this website I have figured out that I am a bit of a drama queen and sometimes I am a DQ all in fun and sarcasm but sometimes I really get too dramatic for my own good. lol..

 

But Yeah its scary after waiting for so long and now we have to both adjust our lives to be with eachother and see how everything works out. His drinking has concerned me before and I have brushed it off saying when he moves down he wont have to drink as much because he will be here ( and he supposedly drink to forget he misses me) but everything is waiting. I have to wait..again...lol

 

I seriously wish i had a crystal ball sometimes u know? *sigh*

[d'Arthez]

But how severe is his drinking? Does he forget what he has done, or is it just each week 3 days of drunkenness, but nothing more? And is it only a problem when he is out there without you, EC?

[EC]

I mean he drinks on the weekends, thats it three days of drunkenness. Well sometimes four because he doesn't have class on Friday so Thursday nights he goes out. Sometimes he gets wasted, sometimes he will only have a couple beers.

It just bothers me that Monday through Thursday he'll call me and we can only talk after 9:00pm because of his minutes. But he'll call no matter what and we'll talk a bit and he'll text message me through out the day but soon as Thursday comes he calls @ nine tells me his plans for the night and then goes out and I don't hear from him for the rest of the night. Then Saturday I wake up and call him sometimes he'll pick up and we'll chat a little and then sometimes he would be so wasted from the night before that he wont wake up and call me until 2:00 or three pm. Then he'll call at 9 and tell me his plans for the night and i wont hear from him all night until the next day.

 

But then Monday through Thursday he's good again.

 

When he is down here we are PERFECT! I have my own place so he stays with me, we go out, we even drink together on the weekends and have a great time, the sex is great, we go out with his parents, but I mean the longest he has come down for has been two weeks. I see him for a week once a month.

 

I don't know how its going to be when he comes down forever and he doesn't have to leave again and have his "double life" as I like to call it.

 

I think I feel that I have given up so much and have waited so long that I don't want to be disappointed if it doesn't work out.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd

When he is down here we are PERFECT! I have my own place so he stays with me, we go out, we even drink together on the weekends and have a great time, the sex is great, we go out with his parents, but I mean the longest he has come down for has been two weeks. I see him for a week once a month.

 

I can understand about the feelings of his double life. You seem to be having a much harder time to accept that he is out there without you, than your bf has with accepting that you are out there without him.

His general state of drunkenness in the weekends does not improve that. I don't mean to worry you, but it is immature on his part. Does he understand your concerns?

I'm a man and I find he offers you a fairly pathetic excuse to be honest. You don't deserve a man that is good for half of the time. But all of the time. I am not referring to the LDR-situation, which sucks. But about the weekly situation.

 

Is it really perfect when you are together, or is it that it must be perfect when you are together? That is the most frightening thought any person can get in a LDR. It's very hard to give a definitive answer on this question. Don't worry about this, you can only know when you have taken the chance.

 

You should not give up, and it will be hard, as he will be moving in with you. Sure he has a lot of bad habits to lose. The same might be true for you.

 

From EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd's first post

Lately I've been voicing my concerns but he thinks that lately I've become more whiney and jealous.

 

Please can you elaborate a bit more on the jealous part? Whiney, I can see. But jealous?

[EC]

Is it really perfect when you are together, or is it that it must be perfect when you are together? That is the most frightening thought any person can get in a LDR. It's very hard to give a definitive answer on this question. Don't worry about this, you can only know when you have taken the chance.

 

I have always wondered this? And thats why I am freaking out now that he's moving down. When I first met him he was down for the summer for three months and we hung out a lot but then he left and its been a weekend here a week here for about a year now. I don't what its like to be with him and him not have to leave again. Like I have said before he comes down and we are perfect because we don't spend as much time together so we want our limited time together to be as perfect as possible. So I am always confused on that part.

 

The drinking he lives in an apartment with three single guy friends and he's the only one with a gf and well they go out a lot. He's a very macho kind of man or give that appearance anyways and well I mean i can't expect him to sit on his bed every weekend staring at the ceiling missing me..he has college where he's making straight A's and the pressure to keep them and the pressure form his parents to do good and the fact I'm not there with him and I constantly remind him how I need him here get to him and so he needs to go out on the weekends and have fun...but it does bother me its fun without me. But you can't blame me I miss him. And It hurts i cant be there to share that inside joke or give him that pat on the back when he aces a test u know?

 

 

 

Please can you elaborate a bit more on the jealous part? Whiney, I can see. But jealous?

 

Well there's these girls that live at the apartment across from them and they are always over or vice versa and I have met them and I know I don't have to worry about them but I do. So before I never said anything because I wanted everything to be perfect and I didn't want to argue the only time he came down to spend time with me. I wanted him to want to have a good time and i wanted to be the "cool gf" that didn't b*tch about him going out with girls in the group and stuff like that. But lately its been bothering me constant.ly hearing the girls taking shots with them in the background and going out to clubs with them. I get irritated. So I have been making comments about them and about how I feel like a Monday through Thursday gf and stuf so Now all of a sudden I am more jealous and whiney.

 

and d'Arthez thank you for actually taking the time to go over this with me.

[d'Arthez]

I understand that a guy want to have his fun. Personally I am quite the opposite (explains my lack of success with girls, lol!). I don't exactly stare at the ceilings, but I do have a lot of things I enjoy doing on my own.

It's very understandable you are freaking out about his double-life. Somehow you are trying to put together two very different sides of your bf. The drinking and the straight A's.

 

As you have not been in a position to spend time consistently with him, you are wondering which side is stronger. The drinking, and the let's have fun attitude, or the straight A's attitude. The fact is you don't have any control over that, so the only way you can find out is when actually living together. And set some boundaries concerning his drinking behavior once he does.

 

I know it hurts a lot not to be together, when he has accomplished something great. Do you express that to him? Something about his grades, his papers, or whatever assignments he has? And the other way around? Does he take an active interest in your life? Or doesn't he ask and have you to tell him practically everything that goes on in your life?

 

If his reaction to your worries has not been consistently the same, I would be worried. But again, you have no choice but to trust him. Did he ever gave a reason to doubt your trust in him?

 

Concerning the girls, jealousy to a certain extent is natural. In his view some men have the luck to see you everyday, for example in your working enviroment.

 

Furthermore you don't have to be the ubercool perfect gf. Of all the men in the world at this moment, you only have to be a great gf to one, and one only: your bf.

 

LDRs require a great deal of trust. That's hard, especially knowing that temptations are around the other person. Does he express the same worries, the fear that some man might come along and sweep you off your feet?

 

and d'Arthez thank you for actually taking the time to go over this with me.

 

Yeah, that's alright. Glad I can be a bit of a support for you. I know it's a hard situation to find yourself in.

[EC]

I know it hurts a lot not to be together, when he has accomplished something great. Do you express that to him? Something about his grades, his papers, or whatever assignments he has? And the other way around? Does he take an active interest in your life? Or doesn't he ask and have you to tell him practically everything that goes on in your life?

 

 

Yes he does in fact he says he can't wait to move down so that he can help me further with the things in my life.

 

The trust has been a factor because I have been cheated on and I mean it hurts. But I do trust him I just don't trust other people and temptation and drinking.

 

 

Does he express the same worries, the fear that some man might come along and sweep you off your feet?

HA! LOl he thinks I am so "whooped" on him that I'm not going anywhere. Plus my roomate that I work and live with is gf bf with his brother. So every weekend I am with them. So its like "controlled" going out. So he knows I wont and can't do anything and if I do he will know immediately..where as I wouldnt know diddly squat if he was doing something up there.

 

But I mean its all "what ifs" going through my head and uhg its just so frustrating. I am just going to have to wait and see when he moves down. Thats the only way I will know if all this was worth it and whether to continue with him or not.

 

All I know is that if this doesn't work out when he comes down I am never doing and LDR again. No way.

[d'Arthez]

Yeah, it seems like he has all the freedom to do whatever he likes without you knowing it, and you are put in a situation that the moment you sneeze in your room, he already knows that. That is absolutely not beneficial for your trust. Is this roommate the same roommate you wrote a rant about a couple of days ago?

 

The fact that you have a trust issue with drinking and temptation, is understandable. The fact that he makes it a bit too much of a habit only naturally set off a few alarm bells. You make the association : drinking + attractive girls = increased likelihood of cheating. The fact that you have complete trust in your bf, does not change the association.

 

You can only find out, when you actually live together. Carry on, and you will find out. So simple is life.

Forget the ifs, relax some more, and remain positive. If it is meant to be, it will be.

 

You don't have to be the perfect girlfriend. Right now he is not the perfect boyfriend to you, and if you do have concerns express them. Be constructive about them, and you will come through.

 

Never say never. Especially in matters of love.

[moimeme]

I have brushed it off saying when he moves down he wont have to drink as much because he will be here ( and he supposedly drink to forget he misses me) but everything is waiting. I have to wait..again...lol

 

Oh dear. Well, keep a close watch on this. People tend to not change and alcohol can become someone's best friend before the person's realized what's happened. I think it's bogus for anybody to claim he's drinking to forget someone's not around. Pay close attention to what other excuses he comes up with for drinking, if he does.

[RecordProducer]

It seems to me that this guy is drunk whenever he has days off. You are obviously very concerned about it, otherwise you wouldn't have brought it in the first place. 3-4 Days of drunkenness every week is a big deal. And it's not only that, he parties. I don't see that the long distance is the issue here. It's that you didn't really imagine your prince as a lush who enjoys mindless parties every week-end. We all like to party and go bananas, but it's not everyone's life-style, is it?

You love him, but honestly, if you write a list of things you like in a man, you wouldn't really put "a party man" on it, would you? You saw a huge fault ha's got and you're not sure you like it. He turns you off with his behavior.

If you feel like waiting for two more months then wait. If you feel like breaking up then break up. Ask him if he's going to continue with his life style when he moves to your town (given the "fact" that he drinks cuz he misses you; he won't miss you anymore so he should stop drinking?!). If he says that he will stop getting drunk every weekend then you will know what to do when he breaks his promise. You will know that he is making a bunch of excuses just to forget about life and all the obligations life brings. Living with a drunk is a nightmare. I have a feeling that you have a close example of it from your past.

Cheating is not a problem; it's a consequence of an existing problem!