Catfish or my bad??

[DeusExMachina7]

Had a situation that's been eating me alive for the last couple months, and would like some outside perspective on it.

 

So back near the beginning of the year (late January, I believe), I met this girl online on a site called Hot or Not in which you rate people of your preferred gender as hot or not. so her and I connected because we both rated each other hot, so I reached out and said hi. She said hi back, and we started playing message tag and it just really seemed to take off from there. We messaged every single day, seldom going more than a few hours without getting back to one another. We talked about everything under the sun.

 

So about 2 weeks into it, I ask her about her username, and she said her real name is Sarah. We keep chatting. A few more weeks pass, and she asks if Don is my real name. I tell her yes it is, and she says hers is Stella. I ask her about the contradiction, and she says that Stella is her first name, but Sarah is her middle name and what she normally goes by, and that all the women in her (Italian) family have 3 or 4 names. I let it slide because I'd actually heard of that kind of thing before. So we keep talking, and I come up with the idea of meeting in person when I take my vacation later this fall (I live in the Spokane, WA area and she lives in the Orlando, FL area), and she loves the idea. At this point we'd been talking every few hours for 2.5 months.

 

So I bring up the idea of calling or texting or adding each other on Facebook, and offer up my full name, number, and hte link to my Facebook account. She replies with "Lol Mr you're too cute!!!". Mr. was her pet name for me, BTW; she called me that ALL THE TIME. In fact, I don't think she ever called me anything but Mr. Anyway, I ask her what the deal is, why she is so averse to swapping info. I say that I can understand a little caution on her part, but the way I see it, once we talked about meeting in person then a phone call or some other kind of verification is in order. I suggest the idea of a proof pic, where she sends a selfie of her holding a sheet of paper with the date or some unique phrase on it, as that will confirm that she is who she says without giving out her info.

 

The next morning, she responds. She tells me how she got paranoid about giving out info after she met this cop who started stalking her. Told me about how they met at her work, and then one night he pulls her over outside, runs her plates and finds out where she lives, then starts showing up at her house to check on a noise disturbance. I wasn't really buying this because I'm related to cops and their computers are audited regularly; if they run a query on a license plate and there is not an accompanying citation, then they WILL have to explain that to their superiors. Plus that was completely different from this situation. She did not address the proof pic idea that I suggested. She said "as far as the Facebook thing goes, honestly Mr I don't even have any pics on there, and I only have like 8 friends and they're siblings." At this point I'm still really into her so I let it slide. We go back to our constant chatting and romantic stuff. It may sound stupid, but I felt a connection I haven't felt for anyone in a very long time.

 

A couple more weeks go by, and I graduate from college. I send her some pics, which she absolutely loves. I ask if she has an email account I can send video to, and she gives me her gmail address. When I look her up on google+, the address is listed under a Kat Durun. I pop the name into a public records search, and no such person exists in public record. I just figured she set up her gmail under a fake name like I did. But I still ask her about the name, and she replies: "it's just um...duran duran like the band."

 

Early on, this girl sent me 3 pics, all set on timed view so I could not save them. I would ask her for more, and she would usually ignore the request, redirect the convo, make up an excuse (i.e. lol mr its dark outside you couldnt see anything), or say she'd try to take some more this weekend. I asked her why not just put those up on her profile with her other pics, and she says she did but had too many crazies messaging her. Now I should point out that I sent her many pics. At the time, I only had a cheap flip phone so I usually had to have a buddy take pics and email them to me but I still found a way to make it happen. I never brought up skype because my internet connection wasnt fast enough.

 

She told me a few things early on about herself, like how she was originally from NYC and moved down to FL with her parents and siblings when they retired a few years back. Said she worked as a night shift manager at Choice Hotels, and paid a flat 1500 a month to live in one of the hotel rooms. Told me she had 7 siblings, aged from 18-30, and that only a few of them still lived in FL with the family.

 

But when I'd ask things like what they all did for a living, what their names were, what her birthday was, anything like that and she would not respond (would just talk about something else).

 

She also started letting little things slip, like telling me how much she loved to go out dancing and clubbing but didnt drink alcohol. She asked me what my favorite drink was and I said Fireball and she didnt know what that was. She used to talk about wanting to move to Texas and go to law school. Then one day I asked her if she would ever go back to NYC because my field might take me there at some point, and she said she'd love to but there was no way she could convince mom to move back there so the best she could do was come up to visit me for the summer "but then thats better than nothing lol." That struck me as odd since she said she works in the hotel business in Orlando where summers are absolutely slammed so there is no way that would work. She also told me that she has to stay down there with family because she loves them and the grocery bill was 600 a week. She never explained why she should be the one to pay it, or how she managed to afford 2400 a month in groceries plus 1500 rent and other living expenses on a hotel manager salary (50k or so).

 

So one day I message her asking if she would do me one small favor; send me a pic of her holding a sheet of paper with my name on it. I tell her its only fair, since I've told her who I was but she was always purposefully avoiding telling me anything that could identify her. I tell her I get her concnern, but honestly we'd been chatting for 5 months and had planned on meeting so it was only reasonable that I protect myself by knowing who I'm talking with before flying 3000 miles to meet. I tell her that 1) she has nothign to fear from someone 3000 miles away and 2) this proof pic will in no way compromise her personal info. She immediately says "lol true...and I totally understand where you're coming from Mr." Then she went silent for a week.

 

For the first couple days I just figure she's busy so I send her our usual chats and stuff. By day 4 I'm starting to think I freaked her out by pressing her for verification, so I message her apologizing. Still no reply. That site shows you if someone has read your messages or not, and she had not even read mine. It also shows you when your connections are online, and she had been online and active every time I checked. hell, she'd even tweaked her profile, removing one of her pics and adding about 50 new interests. At this point I was thinking she had blocked me or something, because that site doesnt notify you if you're blocked, and you can still message the person who blocked you they will just never see it.

 

Day 6 and I message her saying I guess I got my answer, and that she must have blocked me. I tell her its ironic because she once told me she felt bad for people who had to feel needed, yet here she was playing games online for attention. I told her the way I see it, there's only one reason why she would not send a proof pic, and that is if she was not the person in her profile pics. I tell her that if I am wrong, hit me up and we will talk. No reply. The next day I tell her part of it was my fault for getting so invested in this before meeting, and for ignoring little red flags like the multiple names or the conflicting info. Still nothing. So I finally message her "goodbye I guess." Just as I hit the block button, she messages me. So I unblock her to read it. She says: "I didn't block you my real name is Stella second name Sarah and that is me in my profile pic. ...I'm glad that you're doing good in life and I wish you all the best. goodbye, Mr."

 

This freaked me out, because I felt like I had screwed up a good thing. I tried to message her back, but she deleted her profile so I couldn't. I started kicking myself because I let a friend talk me into pushing her for a proof pic. And the last day or two before this, I had noticed her profile said she had verified it with facebook and her mobile number. I don't know how much that's worth though because as an experiment I linked my profile to a dummy facebook account (with a different name than my profile name) and a fake number and it didnt catch it.

 

Over the next couple weeks, i sent a couple messages to her gmail address, never heard back. I sent a message to her Tumblr apologizing for jumping to conclusions, and saying that regardless of who she was I liked her for her and wanted my pen pal back. About a month or so later, she must have read it because she blocked me on Tumblr.

 

Anyway, I guess maybe I'm still on the fence about the whole thing. Just so many unanswered questions, like who was she really, why did she just go cold and then block my attempts to reconcile after we had chatted and shared what felt like so much? Was she the person in her pics and just lying to me either for the kicks or because she was in a relationship? Or was she someone else entirely? Most importantly, the connection, all the chats and emotions, were they all just a game to her, or was the personality and feelings real just not the face?

 

I suppose maybe this isn't truly about whether or not she was real, but instead is about me getting it all out and trying to get some kind of closure. I'm not gonna lie and say I'm over her, because I'm clearly not. The connection I had with her felt stronger than most IRL relationships I've been in.

 

Looking back, it does seem like she was all hot and heavy and talking about a relationship at first, but the more serious I got about meeting, the more vague or weird she got. It's really hard to do this story justice from my perspective, because you can't really condense several months worth of chats into a short story. What do you guys think??

[TMichaels]

If it flops like a fish, it is.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[CarrieT]

Totally catfished.

[craw]

Wtf. I didn't even read the whole thing. Investing too much time and effort on someone you haven't even skyped with???

[DeusExMachina7]

Yeah. I think me actually putting it down in writing makes it more clear and obvious. Emotions do funny things with the mind. I was naive, it was my first foray into the online thing. Sick part of it is that given the chance I would go back to chatting with this person, just because they were so much fun to talk to. But that probably is not healthy because all it would do is reignite the feelings I'd come to have for this person. I'm down with pen pals online, but I am totally done with online dating. It's not good for me. It is way too easy for me to elevate someone to an unrealistic pedestal in my mind without having the in-person contact to anchor it in reality. I fell in love with an idea.

[Methodical]

It's scary but sad that ppl resort to stooping so low. Obviously they have nothing better to do than screw (being polite there) with a person emotions. Your requests weren't over bearing.

 

I hate when a simple request is dodged or excuses are made to support their lack of reciprocation, especially when I've been very forth coming.

 

Really sucks! Best wishes moving forward.

[Lois_Griffin]

Jeez. There are SO many red flags flapping all over the place here that I feel like I'm at the starting line of the Indy 500.

 

Sounds like some socially stunted, personality disordered shut-in got you good. You see this stuff ALL the time.

 

Start watching "Catfish" with Neve Campbell. Just about EVERY show turns out the same - the person desperately trying to find their online 'soul mate' ends up meeting the REAL person they'd been talking to all that time.

 

And it's usually NEVER who they thought it was. Sometimes it's a middle aged man or woman who were bored in their marriages and got off on the fantasy of pretending to be someone else, sometimes it's an overweight shy girl who has no friends and has never even kissed a guy, sometimes it's a guy pretending to be a girl. Good lord, anyone can pretend to be whoever they WANT to be on the internet.

 

I'm absolutely AMAZED that you claim to still be on the fence about this pitifully transparent fraud you were conned by.

[DeusExMachina7]

Yeah i guess it is pretty ridiculous when i stop and think about it, now that the emotion has mostly dissipated. I guess the only thing i really wanna know is whether any of the personality or feelings or emotional connection was real or if it was all some kind of joke to her. The first one is easier to swallow than the second one. This is probably just a complex on my part, but i keep thinking her pics were of her and she was just playing guys online for the lulz...

[TMichaels]

Yeah i guess it is pretty ridiculous when i stop and think about it, now that the emotion has mostly dissipated. I guess the only thing i really wanna know is whether any of the personality or feelings or emotional connection was real or if it was all some kind of joke to her. The first one is easier to swallow than the second one. This is probably just a complex on my part, but i keep thinking her pics were of her and she was just playing guys online for the lulz...

 

OP,

 

Honestly, unless you're pursuing a PhD and writing a dissertation on the psychological motivations of Internet imposters, you don't need to know.

 

What you do need to do is to come to terms with the concept that this person only existed in your mind and that "image" is what you fell in love with and what you miss.

 

Why? I don't care how often and how long you two communicated, the truth is, you have ABSOLUTELY no proof that this person was:

 

1) Female

2) Living in the Orlando area

3) Working for Choice Hotels

4) Originally from NYC

5) Has seven siblings

6) Has parents who retired to Florida

7) And on, and on, and on

 

 

Personally, I'm betting he/she/it was NOTHING like what they led you to believe. It happens all the time.

 

All you know is what this person TOLD you. You notice whenever you pressed for details or questioned when things didn't add up, you got radio silence in return. That's because the person was lying to you. It's a lot of work to try and keep spinning lies and keep them straight. Much easier to just move on and hit up some other poor innocent, gullible victim who won't, like you did for a long time, ask, question, or request.

 

OP, you're damned lucky that this person didn't extort some money out of you, end up showing up on your doorstep, or kidnapped/poisoned/held you at gunpoint/planted drugs on you, etc. if you two had eventually met up.

 

Quit wondering why this person did what they did, and learn from your mistakes. Obviously, there's a part of you that longs for a relationship/companionship/whatever. Nothing wrong with that, but realize that seeking that online is fraught with problems as it's so easy for someone to pretend to be someone who they aren't.

 

Forewarned is forearmed. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[DeusExMachina7]

Yeah lesson learned. Id never heard of catfishing before. I knew about chimos and money scammers but it never occurred to me that someone would be so pathetic as to steal someone elses pics just to play an emotional game. Guess its not really that person i miss, but the idea of who i thought that person was...

[emi]

Hey,

I have been catfished one, not emotionally but yeah the person lied and fake the whole thing.

I met that person in some kind of game. Started to play together alot of time for like a month. That person told me he was a boy. After a month, he told me lets meet up since he was going abroad to study soon. But I didnt, i didnt have much desire or reason to meet him so I turned him down.

 

After "he" went abroad, we still played together and talked. But then, something was kinda really not right. His english was too bad to study abroad and the fact he never wanted to call. He made all kind of reasons not to. And one day he even faked the whole he found out he had heart problem kind of thing and would need to have surgery and may die during surgery.

 

It was hella strange for me. And i didnt want to get caught up in this kind of relationship. And well, i dont reallly think I like him that much.

 

After awhile, with alot of twist and turn. Some of "his" real life friend told me actually a lesbian and just want to fool people online.

 

So yeah, if someone not agree to cam/ call you within 2 weeks, you should run

[Lois_Griffin]

You sound like a very sweet guy.

 

Your feelings were real to you, and that's what matters.

 

Seriously - do a search for CATFISH episodes and watch a few. I think you're going to see A LOT of yourself in the people who eventually find out they'd been conned by someone online.

 

Good luck to you.

[DeusExMachina7]

You sound like a very sweet guy.

 

Your feelings were real to you, and that's what matters.

 

Seriously - do a search for CATFISH episodes and watch a few. I think you're going to see A LOT of yourself in the people who eventually find out they'd been conned by someone online.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thanks

 

Yeah it sucks, I'm not gonna lie. I'll get past it though. I've watched a couple episodes and this person hits many of the classic red flags. Honestly, what really stung is that when I tried to reach out by telling her that it was her personality I fell for not the person in her profile pics and asked if we could go back to chattingvand being friends, she blocked me. I guess it would not have been healthy to chat with that person given the emotional attachment I still had to the idea of her so maybe its for the better. And I think that probably further proves that she was a faker. Nobody who was really who they saidwould behave or react that way...nobody with a conscience.

[purdyPeas]

I don't think she ever called me anything but Mr.

 

I loved Miss Swan. She was so cute.

[DeusExMachina7]

I loved Miss Swan. She was so cute.

 

Not sure I get the joke. Maybe in a year I'll look back and find this funny. Right now its painful and very invalidating. I guess her not being the girl in her pics iseasy to deal with. What bothers me is the idea that she was the person in her pics and was just online playing guys like me for the lulz and the ego boost and none of the compliments or anything meant anything to her. Makes me feel unwanted and also embarassed for playing into it.

[TMichaels]

Not sure I get the joke. Maybe in a year I'll look back and find this funny. Right now its painful and very invalidating. I guess her not being the girl in her pics iseasy to deal with. What bothers me is the idea that she was the person in her pics and was just online playing guys like me for the lulz and the ego boost and none of the compliments or anything meant anything to her. Makes me feel unwanted and also embarassed for playing into it.

 

Get over it. You're giving this person too much power. You can't control what another person does, only your own thoughts/feelings. You made a mistake. Big deal. Everyone does; you're not the first and only one in the Universe.

 

Start by QUIT calling this person "she" -- YOU HAVE NO IDEA of the real person's gender. He/she/it purported to be a female. What is he/she/it wasn't? You're spending far too much time obsessing about *a girl* that chances are, *wasn't*.

 

If you can't get a grip, seek professional help. Kicking yourself around the block for being stupid is normal. Continuing to obsess about it to the point of thinking you are not wanted, is something you need to work through with a counselor. No amount of LS posting or advice is going to help you with that.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[purdyPeas]

Not sure I get the joke. Maybe in a year I'll look back and find this funny. Right now its painful and very invalidating. I guess her not being the girl in her pics iseasy to deal with. What bothers me is the idea that she was the person in her pics and was just online playing guys like me for the lulz and the ego boost and none of the compliments or anything meant anything to her. Makes me feel unwanted and also embarassed for playing into it.

 

https://encrypted.google.com/#q=Ms+Swan+mad+tv

 

I've run into many, many Asian catfisher groups, and now Russian groups on the internet and dating sites. Wake up.

[DeusExMachina7]

You know, you guys are right. Perhaps i have some me issues to work on. In which case this is not the appropriate venue. At least your objective input convinced me that ididnt just screw it up. Wiser for next time.

[DeusExMachina7]

Yeah so an update. A few weeks ago I decided to search that person's name again in Facebook. The name that shows up in her google+, and I found a profile. Turns out she was in fact the person in her pics. I guess I really did screw it up after all. It still doesn't explain the lies though. I mean I guess I can understand not wanting to give a full name to protect herself, but to lie about your first name just seems strange to me. Also there were the other little holes in her story. Seems to me that a reasonable person would not have had a problem sending a proof pic or skyping. Hell, once she'd been talking to me for a few months and had agreed to meet in person, I would think she would want to talk on the phone or Facebook or something just to reassure herself that I'm not a psycho or something. Kinda leads me to believe she was either not really single or she was just playing this game with lots of guys. Who knows.

 

That still doesn't change the fact that I got so wrapped up in someone I'd never met in person, and I think that that was definitely reflected during the last week or so that we were talking. Maybe asking for that proof pic before meeting her was just the last straw before she decided hey I better take a break this guy's too into it. But then again I had made it known how I felt a few weeks prior and she chose to keep talking to me just the same. I definitely can see how she may have been freaked out by the messages I left her at the very end when she went silent; I basically was apologizing up and down the wall for offending her, sounding desperate basically. Then accusing her of blocking me and catfishing me. Not like I didn't have every reason to think she was catfishing me; her constant lies and weird evasiveness to identifying her true self were hallmark catfish behaviors.

 

This tore me up for a while. Now its more of a headscratcher, like what was her game or motivation. Maybe the lies she told me at first (like her cousin is a lawyer, her sister owns a boutique clothing company, other sister is a model, and she got a business degree from SUNY, etc) were just her trying to make herself look good. I had told her from the get-go that I was pursuing my second master's, and even showed her my diplomas and sent her my graduation pics, so maybe she was trying to compensate. I honestly dont know. If I made her feel like she had to do that then I am truly sorry. The whole reason i went back to school was because many years ago this girl I liked (who was a successful entrepreneur) told me she was successful and needed to be with someone on the same page so I know exactly how it feels to feel outclassed. She was always so kind and sweet and supportive to me, and my heart kind of breaks at the thought that I hurt her or screwed this up. But then there were other times where I almost feel like she was just toying with me (in hindsight, that is).

 

So in the end, its a weird mix of feelings here. I still miss the connection i thought we had, or at the very least I miss my pen pal. I feel embarassed and bad about the little insecurity/anxiety meltdown I had toward the end that scared her away for good. But I also feel betrayed and lied to; it is so not normal for someone to behave that way, to tell all those lies. Most of all, I feel confused. her behavior would have made sense if she had truly been catfishing me. But she wasnt, at least not in the sense of lying about her appearance. My guess is she was not single, but I dont even know about that. So many unknowns, so many lies, with no rational explanation. Unfortunately I guess i just write it off and live my own life.

 

But I did gain some insight from this whole ordeal. I learned that maybe online dating is not for me. I learned that givign people the benefit of the doubt is stupid. I learned to not invest much until meeting in person or skyping. I learned that most women online do not act that way, and that its best to just walk away the first time I catch someone in a lie rather than turn a blind eye to it because I like the person. Most of all, i realize more than ever that I need to do some serious work on myself before I jump into a relationship. I need to take some time to enjoy life gain, to rebuild myself in the gym, to regain the confidence and self-love I once had, and to man up and stop this weak bull****. Its events like this that remind me of why I put up the walls I have in the first place.

[Lois_Griffin]

Anyone can create a Facebook profile and pretend to be someone else. All you have to do is find some online pictures of someone (the more the better) and create a free web-based email address, and you're off. You can be whoever you want to be. Even on the Catfish show the guys have found fake Facebook and Instagram profiles made with fake personas. These people also created fake dating profiles, fake social media profiles - fake everything.

 

It still doesn't mean that this person was who they said they were.

 

When they can't send a REAL time photo or talk in REAL time on Skype - yet they're proclaiming their love for you and talking about meeting you in person - they're hiding something. And it ain't good.

 

Did you see that one episode of Catfish where this 15 year old punk kid who spent most of his time in the local video parlor and chatting online was pretending to be a GIRL? He had several online romances going on at once and had EVERYONE fooled. It was just some pimple-faced teenaged kid who had virtually NOTHING better to do than screw with people. One of the guys involved with his fake female persona hunted him down with the Catfish guys and that's what they found - a teenage kid at the video parlor.

 

And everyone romantically involved with him believed 100% that he was a 'she.'

 

You didn't screw ANYTHING up. Trust me on that one.

[DeusExMachina7]

True, but if it were a fake Facebook under an alias then why go to the trouble to conceal it? Actually it doesn't even matter really. That would just be one more thing in a heaping pile of pathological behavior that doesn't make any sense. It's probably best that it ended when it did; it would have been much worse to have actually gone over there to meet and been stood up, or found that the person was not at all who they said they were. Friends of mine that I've talked to about this agree with you; I didn't do anything wrong, this was going to happen eventually anyway, and I had every right to push her into a corner about verification before meeting (especially with all the little lies I caught her in). And I suppose I should use the term 'her' loosely here...

[DeusExMachina7]

Yeah screw her. The facebook I found was set up in 2011, so the likelihood of it being fake is slim, but who knows. I'm so done with the online thing. Sooner or later, this was going to happen anyway I think. I think it is a stretch to say either of us were professing our love for one another, but we definitely had discussed meeting offline to see if this was really gonna work. But even before our official falling out, she was starting to get weirdly cagey when I tried to nail down plans. Like she was ok with the idea of meeting, but as soon as I started talking specifics, I would get this weird distant vibe from her. But even that was inconsistent; hot one day, lukewarm the next. I guess it kinda makes sense from her perspective; she would have had a lot of explaining to do in person once all the lies became obvious, like her name for example. Guess the whole thing was BS from the get-go.

[DeusExMachina7]

And that last posting is why you shouldn't drink and post, lol.

 

None of it was ever real. If there had been anything genuine behind her facade, she wouldn't have gone silent, responding only to re-assert her lies and then vanish. And she damn sure wouldn't have blocked me when I reached out on Tumblr. I'm thinking the whole thing was some ego stroke game to her and when she realized how seriously I was taking it and that I wasn't falling for her lies she cut ties and vanished. Or there was another guy in the picture, or something else equally bad.

 

Over and out.

 

PS. Thanks, Lois. You're a sweetie:cool: