SOS - Trying to save amazing relationship

[MrLover]

Hey,

 

I will try and keep this as short as possible, because I am desperate for some views and advice.

 

Background:

 

My girlfriend - A very independent, fun loving, social business owner, who previously hated public affection and lovey dovey behaviour. Her last relationship had been 9 years with a guy who didn't really care, didnt treat her great, but they were comfortable. They broke up 7 months before our first date.

 

Me - An outgoing, funny, social, easy to get along with guy, succesful, but also sensitive.

 

Myself and my girlfriend first got together at the start of June, our first date was a bit of a car crash, but was also amazing, we clicked, we had so much chemistry - which surprised me as I was fairly fresh out of a relationship where the girl had cheated on me. This really helped me get over it. We went on date 2 just over a week later, and it was again awesome, full of conversation laughs and flirting. We ended up going back to her place, kissing, and having sex. She then asked me to stay, and said how much she liked me - this threw me and I made my excuses and left.

 

Date 3, is where it gets interesting, we agreed to go on holiday together!! Very spontaneous, but a great way to see if you are fully compatible. A month later, after having so much fun together we went on a romantic week long holiday to the other side of the world. It was fantastic, the most fun we had ever had, not one moment of awkwardness. My mind was made up, as was hers.

 

The next few months were great fun. We spent most nights together, and took joy in even simple things like cooking together, grocery shopping together, we basically felt so at ease with each other, and had fun doing mundane tasks - we were set. In September after a difficult spell with her meddling ex, she told me she loved me - I was so happy, I loved her too. She would look at me every night and say she loved everything about me, I made her so happy, i had her and she wanted her future with me. We had a couple of small alcohol fuelled disagreements, but nothing unusual, infact people always told us it was crazy how we just smiled together all the time, never arguing.

 

Then, from the start of November, she became unwell with cold after cold, coldsores, tiredness, anxiety....to begin with she was very apologetic for being down inn the dumps, and I was totally understanding and looked after her. Then, as time wore on I began to notice she wasnt being as loving, she seemed colder, the overall tone of her messages etc was a little ''off''. i bought this up with her, initially she was desperate for it not to put me off, she asked me if she was what I wanted, if I was having doubts - her excuse was this is just what happens, things become a bit normal, things become comfortable. I didnt want that, and i told her if this is how it was going to be, i wasnt up for it. This all coincided with the anniversary of the death of my mum, so I was in an emotionally needy place as I had previously not grieved for her.

 

As December went on, i pushed her as to why she seemed less interested, I probably seemed needy (she said I definitely wasnt needy), she was apologetic, she hated being a bad girlfriend, I told her she was an amazing girlfriend, but something wasnt feeling right. I have always treated her very well, her friends are all envious. But there came a night, mid December where she had been drinking, I went to her place tired after a day of travelling, i told her she was being cold again and she flipped. All these issues from early in our relationship came pouring out, i was shocked. they were seemingly insignificant things, she struggled with the attention i got from girls, i had slipped up a few times and thought we'd been places together when in reality it was with someone else, this was all early and wasnt an issue at the time.

 

Over the next week, things were strained, I was unsure it was what I wanted, i pushed further, we had 2 solid days when she was at work of discussing how she couldnt believe I was unsure, and how it's just a wobble, everyone has them. I dont know what i wanted to achieve, but i still pushed.

 

Then, on christmas eve she told me she didnt know what she wanted, that her previous relationship which had made her so unhappy suited her better as it was so laid back, in that instant the power shifted, and I was breathless. It was the slap in the face i needed. We had a drunken disagreement, i tried to leave, she stopped me, then from xmas day morning, we had a wonderful few days. Best christmas ever, our wobble was over.......

 

Then, we had a couple of drunken all night parties, both times everything was raked up again, it was pushing her away and making me more insecure. I have not been insecure in a relationship before, so this was a new feeling, it's the first time I have seriously cared, and I could kind of feel she had lost heart in us. I had a feeling she was warming back up to her ex, she swears through stubborness she would never go back with him, they had to stop living together before the broke up because they couldnt live together.

 

The past couple of weeks have been strange. When we are together she in affectionate, she goes out of her way to cuddle me, to kiss me, to touch me, she says she loves me, she's intimate with me. When we are apart her texts are blunt, short, unaffectionate. I send her lovey dovey picture quotes sometimes, as we always used to mutually do, she doesnt even acknowledge them. She's happy to have time apart, she says she'll miss me, but she's ok with it. Then again, she's loving when we are in each others company. When things were great, I was asked to move from the UK to the USA for a new job, she was devastated but said she wanted to come with me, however, since this wobble she says she wouldnt come now.

 

The past week i tried to fight fire with fire, I went cold, i distanced myself, she carried on initiating contact, asking the questions, i was blunt. I thought as I could feel her pulling away, I would match it. Then, on Saturday, we had a conversation and she told me she was unsure, was having doubts due to the fact i was making her anxious by pulling away, that it was seriously pissing her off. We went out to a party, got home around 2 and where I was drunk, and had been trying all night to interact with her, whilst she seemed she hadnt noticed me, I made the mistake of saying a stupid needy comment about her forgetting i exist. She went crazy, she told me it was over, she told me i was responsible for her being ill for 2 months (this is untrue as it started far before), she said she would always care about her ex but would never go back to him, she told me she cant trust me. I had to stay as I had been drinking.

 

The next morning, she asked me not to go, i said i was leaving and asked her to delete my number etc, she held on to me and asked me to stay. We were booked to go on a spa night for Sunday - Monday. We agreed to go and had a wonderful time, was blissful, she was intimate, cuddly and loving, we agreed once and for all to let go and draw a line under the issues. She is very stubborn and it had dragged on because she couldnt just forget and let it drop. We agreed we had to forget and move on.

 

The last couple of days, she has still seemed distant by text, she is still loving, still initiates contact, still asks questions etc. But I feel she is not as bothered.

 

My question is, I worry she has lost respect for me, I worry it has gone too far. We both have a great time together. Maybe she is just used to it now, it's not a novelty, we are out of the honeymoon period. She says I am an amazing boyfriend, i treat her amazingly, I am not needy (usually). I expected it would always be amazing and like a honeymoon, she expected it to go normal.

 

Do I need to just suck it up and accept how it is, and carry on? Do I need to pull away more? We have an amazing connection, an amazing chemistry, the sex is mutually mind blowing and intense, a load of coincidences bought us together.

 

Can we ever move past this month log wobble? She has amplified it to so much more than it is in her head, how do I get that back? Or, am I just being too sensitive, too insecure and over thinking everything? Is it natural for her to have her guard up at the moment and will that fade? Please help!!

Edited January 14, 2015 by MrLover

[MrLover]

Anyone? I know it's long

[TMichaels]

Can we ever move past this month log wobble?

 

 

Maybe, but not until the two of you lay off the booze and learn how to "be vulnerable," sober.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[FitChick]

I'm confused. I thought you were moving the the US? She can't move to the US but could visit.

 

Don't drink as much when you are in the States because some Americans will think you are an alcoholic.

[LittleTiger]

Too much too soon in my opinion....and you're overthinking this big time! Are you sure she doesn't think you're needy? Your whole post has needy written all over it!

 

You said your first date was a bit if a car crash? It seems to me that set the tone for the rest of the relationship. It's all chemistry and no compatibility - and drama, drama, drama!

 

Give up on it, both of you, and find someone who's a better fit.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like a compatibility issue, with too much alcohol involved.

 

I think you need to give each other space and figure out if you're really that well-matched. It doesn't sound like it, based on all the disagreements and "wobbles" you've had.

[todreaminblue]

I agree with the other posters alcohol doesnt make for happy times.....it destroys relationships before they even get off the ground...especially when you have a problem with drinking if you fight a lot when you drink and she does too you both have issues.....fights from alchol inducement just dotn go away when the alcohol does....i think you do need some time apart to see what is important to both of you...goodluck...deb

Edited January 15, 2015 by todreaminblue

[justwhoiam]

Hi MrLover,

 

Welcome to the LS forum. Your name sounds like you're a player...

 

I will try and keep this as short as possible

Fail #1. Just so you know.

 

I am desperate

Yes, it looks like it.

 

our first date was a bit of a car crash

A car accident? I thought a date was something you willingly decide, not an accidental encounter.

 

I was fairly fresh out of a relationship where the girl had cheated on me. This really helped me get over it.

So you were not over it when you met her. This is kind of a red flag.

 

We went on date 2 just over a week later [...]

We ended up going back to her place, kissing, and having sex. She then asked me to stay, and said how much she liked me - this threw me and I made my excuses and left.

In all this, where and how is this long distance? I couldn't find it anywhere. Your post just told me you were going out with her all the time. And if you left her place at night to go home, I guess you're not living that far from her.

 

A month later, after having so much fun together we went on a romantic week long holiday to the other side of the world

You had been knowing her for just one month. It does seem it was too soon. But well, you barely knew each other when you had sex together for the first time. It's not exactly what I'd call spontaneous, rather risky.

 

The next few months were great fun. We spent most nights together

Again, where is this long-distance?

 

after a difficult spell with her meddling ex, she told me she loved me

Spell as in she was attracted to him again, or spell as in a length of time? In any case, it doesn't sound good.

 

We had a couple of small alcohol fuelled disagreements

It looks like the drinking went on up to now, and disagreements too. How old are you both? It looks like you both like getting drunk and can sink into the drinking habit frequently. Alcohol can greatly deteriorate a relationship. And no matter how successful you look on the outside, the person becomes a mess. And soon or later, it will show.

 

her excuse was this is just what happens, things become a bit normal, things become comfortable

So, after trying to impress you, she got back to her usual self. And you didn't like what she was offering. Also, you can't expect Summer to go on for 4 seasons a year. She was up for some Summer foolishness, plus there was the novelty of getting to know you and Summer holidays. The ingredients to make the couple work had to come after all that. And judging from your discontentment, they were not there.

 

I worry she has lost respect for me

How? I don't get your reasoning.

 

I worry it has gone too far

It probably has.

 

Do I need to just suck it up and accept how it is, and carry on?

I'm not sure what your goal is here. Are you OK with just having a girlfriend to hang out with, have sex and go on holiday?

Then I guess you can accept it how it is. But if you're aiming at a family, you need to find someone more stable, possibly not into drinking, ready to go through thick and thin with you, and (this is a plus) head over heels in love with you. You expressed you need that. And I guess she can't give it to you if not occasionally. If you're looking for more than just fun, you need to watch out for red flags, if you want to stay in this relationship.

1) How seriously does she take her job?

2) Is she a workaholic?

3) When she started being sick for some time, would she just stay at home? Was she going to work all the same? Or was she skipping work but not giving up going out at night?

4) When her ex was back in her life, what was her reaction? Was she being permissive? Was she pushing him away with words and actions? Or not really doing anything?

5) Is her ex still in the picture somehow? Like they talk on the phone, keep in touch, etc?

 

Can we ever move past this month log wobble?

You are thinking of arguments and fights as things that occured exceptionally. I think that's what you should expect to go through cyclically. You need to see for yourself if that's acceptable to you. Expect constant mood swings.

 

On a side note, when a girl mentions that she was better off with her ex, that's never a good thing. And you shouldn't just brush it off.

Edited January 15, 2015 by justwhoiam

[MrLover]

Thanks for the detailed reply justwhoiam.

 

We are both 30, I know it sounds like a teenage thing but that is more how I wrote it in a huge hurry. We live close to each other, I have been offered a job in the USA, but she lives in the UK as do I currently.

 

Below are my answers to your questions:

 

1) How seriously does she take her job? - She runs her own company, she had backed off a little initially as she co-owns it with her ex of 9 years, hence her tie to him. She also devoted a lot of time to me, but recently I think she realised that was unrealistic if she wants to make a go of it.

 

2) Is she a workaholic? - No. Definitely not.

 

3) When she started being sick for some time, would she just stay at home? Was she going to work all the same? Or was she skipping work but not giving up going out at night? - A mixture. She mainly carried on as normal, and through December we had a lot of party nights, which obviously contributed to her being ''run-down''. The part where she blames me for it all was both incorrect and hard to take.

 

4) When her ex was back in her life, what was her reaction? Was she being permissive? Was she pushing him away with words and actions? Or not really doing anything? - She didnt want him around, he always wanted her back, he was going to propose to her a couple of months after we got together but his friend told him not to as she was so happy with me. He has always been moody and arrogant and it was those qualities which led to her being extremely unhappy. But since he has backed off and not given her any hassle, even asking for her advice on his own girlfriend, she has become much warmer about him. She is still very good friends with his family, and her large group of friends are also his. I get a little anxious now when she goes out with them and him and I am not there. She has become secretive over her phone, and she said when we had a drunken row last weekend that she will always care about him, but would never go back to him.

 

5) Is her ex still in the picture somehow? Like they talk on the phone, keep in touch, etc? - They jointly own a business, i was due to buy him out, but after our derailing, she decided she didnt want to get herself in another situation, so is staying in it with him. He also said to her ''do you really think it's a good idea to get into another situ like this?''.

 

I think I should point out, we both like partying, maybe 3-4 times per month, but have only started bickering the past 4 weeks, and ONLY when we have been partying, as opposed to getting drunk all the time. We havent argued when sober really.

 

The past couple of weeks, she just seems different. She still says I love you, she is just much blunter in her texts, doesnt send me soppy texts anymore, is affectionate and cuddly in person, goes in and out of wanting sex, and has stopped talking about our future. Part of me thinks its because it's just going to take her time to relax and open up again, she says herself she's always been lazy and laid back in relationships, it's just the change from honeymoon period and always having such fun, to now. I worry if she can forget it all, because she has a hard job forgetting things like this. She is very laid back about seeing me, it's always ''I dont mind'', i am just trying to be normal, not overly pulling away, but not putting too much pressure on. I dont want to lose her, but equally I cant work out whats really going on......

 

Any thoughts?

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for the detailed reply justwhoiam.

 

We are both 30, I know it sounds like a teenage thing but that is more how I wrote it in a huge hurry. We live close to each other, I have been offered a job in the USA, but she lives in the UK as do I currently.

 

Below are my answers to your questions:

 

 

 

I think I should point out, we both like partying, maybe 3-4 times per month, but have only started bickering the past 4 weeks, and ONLY when we have been partying, as opposed to getting drunk all the time. We havent argued when sober really.

 

The past couple of weeks, she just seems different. She still says I love you, she is just much blunter in her texts, doesnt send me soppy texts anymore, is affectionate and cuddly in person, goes in and out of wanting sex, and has stopped talking about our future. Part of me thinks its because it's just going to take her time to relax and open up again, she says herself she's always been lazy and laid back in relationships, it's just the change from honeymoon period and always having such fun, to now. I worry if she can forget it all, because she has a hard job forgetting things like this. She is very laid back about seeing me, it's always ''I dont mind'', i am just trying to be normal, not overly pulling away, but not putting too much pressure on. I dont want to lose her, but equally I cant work out whats really going on......

 

Any thoughts?

 

Wait, so she once said she's better off with her ex...and she also still currently works with him? Big reg flag. Ignore it at your own risk..

[justwhoiam]

Chances are that she will carry on this situation for a long time. I don't think she's willing to give up her current level of freedom by getting married. A cohabitation would raise the same doubts, because it requires commitment, unless you are OK with an open relationship, where you both just do whatever you feel like.

 

Ask yourself what your boundaries are and make decisions accordingly.

Edited January 18, 2015 by justwhoiam