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Feel like im dying slowly


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Hello to anybody that takes the time to read this,and offers me insight,advice,etc. I've been seperated from stbx wife for almost 2 yrs. During this time i've pretty much isolated myself. Its just what i do. 3rd time seperated. Everyone deals differently. Admittedly i have a very hard time&live with self -hatred. I know i need to love myself before loving someone else. I'm a work in progress&i think alot of us are. Anyways, i have not been the type to go out&start living it up when suddenly single. I tend to do the opposite,but felt like i just wanted to make a new friend&go from there. I joined this dating website&had the most difficult time being that i am seperated. 1 night after a few drinks alone i felt ? Loose,but not in a completly inappropriate manner.

 

Aug 3rd was the date. I met this woman that became drawn to me upon contacting her. She lives 2,000 mi away. Why did i contact her? At the time i was so frustrated and really just looking to talk. There was something about her that seemed to magnify me to her. More than physically attractive was this? I dunno i guess feeling i had to talk with her. Intuition. We hit it off right away,and felt so comfortable. Like we knew each other already&had mutual respect. We talked&talked. Only text. Mostly me. She loved it though. I guess she felt compelled,drawn. During first few months we had become so intensely connected. Amazingly so as i had never experienced anything like this&doubt i ever will again. It didnt seem real. Everything she said was perfect&totally in sync with me. I began to ask if we could talk. Like real people on the phone. She declined saying this is good for now. I didnt want to pressure her. Her pics on dating site only 1's i ever saw of her with exception of her sending me her legs. I sent countless pics. She did send pics of her kids. Anyways, we had so many similarities, and just clicked on every level. I fell in love with her completely. Unconconditionally. During last 2 months our communication chnged&i am reason why. I ambplagued with depression;bipolar. I had been sleeping alot being unemployed.

 

I became irriatable,short&impatient with everyone really. She was very supportive though. Expressed genuine concern& a caring demeanor. Well, last week the most bizarre end of any relationship, friendship, whatever it was that we had. Cuz we had it all to the point of there noy even being a word that exists for it. We were best friends,wanted to be lovers,had a sister brother feel at times. We had such intellectually stimulating conversations. I have never loved talking to someone as much as her. Then all of a sudden i was blindsided. 2 weeks prior mind you she had just sent me a box full of various gifts for my bday. Sent me a REAL xmas tree ups. Unreal!! So sweet. Then she accused me of playing this sick twisted game of manipulation. Just railed me after getting into a lil tiff.

 

I thought no big deal. I will apologize which was frequent. Especially as of lately. Bottom line she told me that i was messing her head up. 1 min im sweet,passive aggressive. Then aggressive,mean&angry. She had a point. I acknowledged it,but here is the craziness. Becuz of me acknowledging it? This got twisted&turned into me clearly knowing what i was doing. I had been playing this game of gaining her trust,breaking down some of her walls& blfs towards life,love. I was playing this twisted game she accussed me of&flipped the eff out. I mean it spun outta control so fast&i was rendered helpless. The last day was so weird. Peculiar. The way she initiated convo was saying Joel can you trust me? Wtf? Thats was my thought. I said yes,but im scared. Told me not too be. Okay? Then asked if i felt paranoid? This was tripping me out. Asking questions as always. Getting into my head? I dunno. Lastly she said feels dark? Then the final blow that has me almost dead set i will never ever give my heart again. She said Gbye and my full name with a broken heart. Final,done,like death is how i felt. Part of me feels like Im dying slowly,and other part of me is so baffled,confused,lost trying to make sense. I dont think i will ever be able to&have rapid thpughts. Maybe she met someone. **** maybe she wasnt even a she,or what the hell. I've left her alone&have so much pain. Im disgusted&ashamed of myself as i always blame myself,but know i never ever intended to hurt her. She had to point finger at me. Broke her heart to end it maybe. Who knows. Plz will someone tell me where my head should be?

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Hi headspins, welcome to the Loveshack LDR forum.

 

3rd time seperated
I'm sorry to hear about this. It sounds terrible. You got divorced twice and married 3 times, with the last marriage ended in a separation? Or you separated 3 times from the same woman? It's not clear.

 

Plz will someone tell me where my head should be?
You didn't mention any kid, so I guess you don't have any. That's important because if you had, your head should be with them.

 

That said, given all your issues, it's just a good idea to first work them out and reach a balance, and get a divorce, before you get yourself "on the market" again. I understand having a woman by your side and supporting you can mean a lot to you, but that wouldn't be a good start for a relationship. It'd be different if you were in a relationship and then you started getting sick. I'm not saying that a woman can't fall in love with you if you have a condition, but there's a good chance that the relationship will be spoiled by that and the roles will be unbalanced.

 

I think you need a quality relationship in your life by now. So you need to seek help elsewhere first. See a doctor, start therapy, if you haven't yet. Try and see what might be the causes of your depression, there are ways to keep your moods in check (obviously that also depends on the severity of your depression and bipolar disorder). Once you get back on track mentally, you start looking for a good job.

 

Psychological stability and financial stability will help you be more social, active and self-confident. That's the good moment for you to find a partner you can share your life with.

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