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My Boyfriend Expects Me To Move Across The Country For Him


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Hello.I am 23 years old and currently about to begin the second year of a three year university degree. I have been in an on again/off again relationship for a little over a year, however my boyfriend has recently relocated to the west coast of Australia whilst I am from the east. Whilst he had no great reason to move aside from the urge to do so, I cannot transfer my degree without adding at least an additional year to study if I decide to go. My dilemma is, do I follow him across the country and risk it all, or do I stay and follow MY dreams?

 

I am quite hurt that he expects me to uproot my entire life in the middle of a university degree simply because he felt the urge to get away. We have had some really rough times in our relationship- periods of which he has called me horrible names and generally not been the nicest person. I have discussed my concerns in relation to moving with a lot of my friends and they have all expressed a deep concern that if I do go over there for him, the same pattern may emerge again, except this time I won't have the support systems I currently have living here. I have discussed my concerns with my boyfriend and he simply gets angry or upset if I express a desire not to move. He has told me that an extra year of study is really no big deal and essentially told me that I am too scared to follow him and that he knew I was not capable of doing so. He regularly expresses concerns about me cheating, whilst I have never been unfaithful to him in any way. I find this hypocritical because on the first day he arrived to the west coast (he lived there for a period of time previously), he expressed a desire to see an ex and apologize to her.

 

I am honestly so conflicted. I love him, but I am hearing warning bells. On the one hand I think that two years is not a long time to stay somewhere to support a life partner. I have told him that I will move anywhere once I have a degree under my belt. On the other hand I think I may be being overly cautious.

 

Any help is appreciated.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Heed the warning bells.

 

This guy is a control freak. He would love to get you to the other side of the country, away from your support systems. That's how they isolate you.

 

Stay and finish your degree; consider your relationship 'off again', for good.

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Apart from the fact that your bf sound awful and you should be grateful if he is moving so far away so you no longer have to deal with his selfish behaviour....

 

If an additional year to your degree is no big deal (in his opinion) then him going out there and waiting a year for you to join him is also no big deal.

 

But as it stands - DO NOT MOVE FOR THIS MAN. LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS!

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Goodness. This relationship is so incredibly unhealthy on so many levels. Please, end it with him immediately. He is emotionally abusive and manipulative. He sounds quite unstable to be honest. Do not even consider moving to be with someone like this.

 

 

Please, do whatever you need to do to find the strength to end this for good,, and go NC. See a professional if necessary - your uni will have counselling services available to you. This is absolutely no good for you, and if you can't see the red flags flaming all through your post, you need to get in touch with someone who can help you get your clarity back.

 

All the best <3

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Heed the warning bells.

 

This guy is a control freak. He would love to get you to the other side of the country, away from your support systems. That's how they isolate you.

 

Stay and finish your degree; consider your relationship 'off again', for good.

Too true.

 

Follow your dreams Rach. There's stuff all to do way out there in no mans land anyway.

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DONT EVER GIVE UP YOUR DREAMS ON SOMEBODY ELSE!

 

If you do, one day you will regret about it very much, especially when you're very close to finish your degree.

 

I believe in compromise in a relationship but dont believe in giving up or sacrificing yourself for anyone else.

 

This is your life and you already know how selfish, childish, and unreasonable he is. Why follow him?

 

Please dont follow him. I will regret it a big time if you do.

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Heed the warning bells.

 

This guy is a control freak. He would love to get you to the other side of the country, away from your support systems. That's how they isolate you.

 

Stay and finish your degree; consider your relationship 'off again', for good.

 

 

 

This 100 times over.

 

 

Breaking down the red flags I see:

 

 

The RS is on again off again.

He chose to move away for no great reason - if he cared about and loved and respected you then he would have taken your current situation into consideration and you two both could then have chosen to relocate once your degree was finished.

He is insecure, jealous & possessive.

He gets angry and upset - making you feel guilty?

I suspect (though, with respect to you I may be way off the mark in saying this - apologies if I am wrong) he has prior to now had problems in some way or other with you going out with your own friends. Getting you to move is a great way for him to be able to alienate you from them.

He generally appears to be showing a lack of respect for your life and your priorities. Uprooting during a degree is not a good idea and adding another year to your studies isn't either - for one thing it would mean you would be more dependent upon him if he is planning on financially supporting you in any way at all.

 

 

Don't do it.

Respect and value yourself. Don't let his anger take away the life you have and the support systems you have in place now.

You are only 23, you have plenty of time to find a great guy who truly loves you but also respects you as well.

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I am one of the friends who has voiced their concerns.

 

I told Rachel about here.

 

Thank goodness some of the wiser posters on here have tried to offer their advice and support.

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First of all NEVER make a life sacrifice like this for someone to whom you're not even engaged or married. Hell, I wouldn't move to the next COUNTY for someone who's only a boyfriend, much less clear across the country.

 

Let the abusive little weasel go off by himself and thank the powers that be for helping you dodging THAT bullet.

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Absolutely NOT. Do not move with him. You'll look back on it one day and ABSOLUTELY regret it.

 

I'm sure he didn't even ask you. And then... for an on/off relationship?

 

Nah, you'll meet someone better in the future.

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This guy is not "life partner" material and even if you were living in the same country next door to one another, I'd still advise you to end this relationship and do it quickly. Do not EVER put up with a man calling you names! Ever. And, in case you hadn't noticed, you're with an abuser. And I don't use that word lightly. But he shows all the signs of it and he will make your life a living hell if you continue on with him. The fact that you're obviously smart and driven is only more fuel for the fire. He puts you down and accuses you of things that aren't true because it keeps you down and defensive.

 

If you move with him, the same patterns will not start up again. They will be so bad and so far from the normal patterns, you won't know what hit you. This is one of the favorite games that abusers play. They love to isolate their victims and get them in a situation where they're helpless. You have no idea what he's capable of and you won't want to know. Take a lesson from his ex. Why do you think he wants to apologize? These people love what they do and they cannot stop. He only wanted to apologize to pretend to be saddened by his actions. He's probably trying to get her back because he probably knows you're going to leave him. They love to have a back-up victim. He also could be doing it to cheat on you to retaliate against you. Another famous tactic of theirs.

 

In case you're thinking this can be fixed, I can save you the trouble. It can't be fixed. He is completely broken. Completely unfixable. You don't love this guy. You love who you THINK he is. You love the pretend person he is and you believe him because he's a fabulous actor. But, the truth is, he's a monster through and through. How do you think so many women get involved in abusive relationships? Do you think they're just dumb? Do you think the guy starts out by being abusive? That's not how it works. They con them really well, hurry the relationship, and once you love them, they start to zero in on breaking your spirit. They do this because they love the power of controlling and destroying another human. This power is not something they will let go of, which is why none of them ever change. And just because you don't think like this, doesn't mean it isn't true. It is true, and breaking your spirit is exactly his goal.

 

Just remember this, a good man would never ask you to pick up and leave in the current situation you're in. He wouldn't ask or expect you to sacrifice yourself in that way. Love is not about unreasonable sacrifices. This guy is asking way too much of you.

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No, no, NOPE.

 

Don't do it. This guy doesn't want you to move because he loves you. He wants you to move so he can control you and isolate you. He is thinking of himself and his needs only - yours are simply not important to him.

 

Why are you with such a jerk?

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you stay and follow your dreams of course, there are times when moving for your SO is the right move but this is not one of them, stay in the school you are in and let this relationship peter out...

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Please don't let anyone stop you following your dreams.

I had a not so great boyfriend at university and I look back now and think of the waste it was to me, how it affected my studying and opportunities available to me. I regret the decisions I made regarding him.

He is not in the position to ask you to do that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What kind of sacrificing is he doing? Let he be the one to stay with you if he loves you enough.

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Just don't do it. As you said, he has no real reason to move there so he doesn't care that much about you to choose this time to move away. It wouldn't last. You'd be resentful and well you should be. You stick to your original plan and meet a new guy who doesn't just up and move away from you for no reason.

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Is everything in your relation always about him? He sounds incredibly selfish.

 

Forgot to say, don't do it.

Edited by Itspointless
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Welcome to the forum, RachyB.

 

I have been in an on again/off again relationship for a little over a year, however my boyfriend has recently relocated to the west coast of Australia whilst I am from the east
Didn't it matter to him that you were on the opposite side of the country? Did he make his decision without discussing that with you first? That shows no respect. And I can only see that going downhill ahead in the relationship.

 

do I follow him across the country and risk it all, or do I stay and follow MY dreams?
What's wrong with completing your studies? If he were a good boyfriend, he wouldn't have put you in this situation out of his own whim.

 

he expects me to uproot my entire life in the middle of a university degree
Did you ask him why?

 

he has called me horrible names
How can you think out your life with someone like that? Do you think it can be a good start? Life itself is hard enough. How can you allow him to call you names? That's beyond me.

 

I have discussed my concerns with my boyfriend and he simply gets angry or upset if I express a desire not to move. He has told me that an extra year of study is really no big deal
So one year apart is no big deal, but two years is the end of the world? Don't buy it. If love is strong enough, two years is nothing. You're only 23. Anyway, he doesn't look like a good partner. I'm afraid he might get violent. You know, things can escalate.
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