Feeling hopeless

[Ana Elsbeth]

My boyfriend and I have been together about 6 months, with the last 4 being long distance. Prior to dating, we were friends for about two years, so he has been in my life for quite awhile and I have come to love him very much. I've had a number of long-term relationships before, and some of those were long distance, but he is by far the most supportive and caring partner I have ever had.

 

The problem right now, however, is me. We became long distance because I had to move back in with my family due to financial difficulties. We're only a little over 200 miles apart, but lately my boyfriend has been so busy working two jobs that we are not able to see each other at all this month. This has been hard on me because I am in the midst of grappling with anxiety and depression that have been triggered by living at home again, and these issues have been getting in the way of me finding the gainful employment I need to save up enough to move back to the city where my boyfriend (and most of my close friends) is.

 

I am trying very hard right now to work on my issues - seeing a therapist, about to discuss medication with my doctor, etc. - because I know I need to take the steps to work on myself. I know I am very lucky to have this relationship and I don't want my insecurities to ruin it. My boyfriend has been nothing but kind and loving throughout all of my ups and downs, but I have reached a very low point lately and am so terrified I am going to push him over the edge with all of my negativity and neediness. He has asserted several times that he is not going to be scared away, but I hate that the one or two phone calls he has time for in a day seem to be spent with me crying and talking about how hard my day was - when he ACTUALLY spent his entire day hard at work!

 

I know that I just have to keep pushing myself and working towards the long term goal of moving back to the city, but there are some days I get so low that I just want to give up. I'm so terrified to lose him that sometimes I'm tempted to just end it so that at least it won't be something I don't see coming. I keep thinking about how much easier this would be if I still lived where he lives, but the reality is that I just don't have the money right now. I think I just needed to get this all out more than anything else, but any suggestions or comments would appreciated.

[Satu]

This is not about your boyfriend. It's about you.

 

I don't mean to be disrespectful by saying that, but what is happening inside of you, and what is happening outside of you, are two different things.

 

There is a peaceful, safe, and loving place inside all of us that we need to be able to check into to feel well.

 

You seem to have lost access to that place at the moment.

 

How you feel on the inside is the most important thing, because if we don't feel well life doesn't go as well as it could.

 

Well done on being in therapy, that's a very positive step.

 

Get the meds you need to help you to feel more at ease inside.

 

There's massive potential for improvement here.

 

You will get better.

[justwhoiam]

I had to move back in with my family due to financial difficulties

I assume the difficulties are yours and your family is supporting you? So not the other way round, you supporting your family? Which leads me to think that you were not living with your boyfriend. Is he living with his parents?

Let me also ask you the following:

1) If you were living together, and you got out of work, how long would he be able to support you, aka how long would you be able to go on with his income?

2) Does he make enough with his two jobs for him to live on his own? And if not, what does he plan to do to be able to (if anything)?

I guess you might be trying to see your situation more ahead in time, and your anxiety might come from that.

 

I am trying very hard right now to work on my issues - seeing a therapist, about to discuss medication with my doctor, etc.

I too agree it's very positive that you're seeing a therapist. Regarding taking meds, I can only say: be cautious. It might take a while to get them out of your system, once you want to get off meds (like months). The longer you take them or the higher the dose, and the longer it will take to adjust back to normal. So keep that in mind. Sometimes it's easier to rely on meds than face our own issues and work on them.

 

am so terrified I am going to push him over the edge with all of my negativity and neediness. He has asserted several times that he is not going to be scared away

I experienced that, as my man got into depression and anxiety after he got laid off and fearing he wouldn't find a permanent position anymore, that he would run out of money and would have to sell his property, etc. If you were the way he was, I can say it was awful. He would repeat the very same things over and over again, like: "What if...?" ALL THE FREAKING TIME.

Anyway, I supported him, I kept him on track, he had to be up for interviews and contacting people in his industry, make connections, send out his CV. He also worked on his website a lot. It all lasted around 9 months. At times, there seemed to be no way of reassuring him. I stood by him the whole time, I even helped him prepare tables to keep track of everything. It was quite easy for him to lose focus, so that helped.

 

I'm so terrified to lose him that sometimes I'm tempted to just end it

That doesn't surprise me, because it's a consequence of so much negativity. He got so depressed that he didn't want me to visit. I guess he didn't want me to see him like that and he felt he was unable to enjoy my visit as he should have. As for me, I felt I had to be there for him, in time of need.

 

I just don't have the money right now

You're not alone. My business hasn't been going great in the past 2 months, which is quite unusual. I had to buy a ticket to visit him in January, but I guess I need to postpone to February (hopefully) or maybe March. I'm not worried right now, even if my finances are not going great. I'm positive.

 

Relax a bit. Don't think about job and money all the time. Prepare a schedule for your own day, so that you get things done, every day. Discipline will pay off reaching your goal(s).