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Why do people choose to be in LDR's?


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In the past 6 months, I have met so many men who have a long-distance girlfriend, some half way across the world. I don't understand why someone would choose to be in an LDR with someone they met online, instead of a relationship with someone nearby? These are attractive gregarious men who could have a woman nearby easily.

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Sometimes you get a rare level of connection with someone who might be far away, that you can't just easily replace locally. Or maybe the guy's just aren't that needy and enjoy having partner they don't have to see in person every day.

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The vast majority of LDR folks don't start off saying, "Hey, LDRs are cool, I wanna be in one!" They just happen to meet someone whom they are compatible with, and that person just happens to live far away, or has to move to another country later on, etc.

 

It is true that 'there are many fish in the sea', but that is a fallacious analogy because one can eat many fish in one's life, a new one everyday if one pleases. So it doesn't matter whether or not they really, really like the fish - if it's there and they're hungry, hey, it fits the bill. If one approaches dating in that manner - sure, it's an excellent analogy.

 

On the other hand, if one is looking for a monogamous, long-term, potentially lifelong relationship... well, there aren't that many people that fit the bill, for some of us. I was in a LDR for 2 years before we closed the gap, and we've been together IRL for the following 3+ years. We're still very happy and quite compatible. Was 2 years a long time to conduct a R across a distance? Of course. But not that long compared to the amount of time many people spend dating (or not dating), waiting for a compatible mate. Another couple I know was long distance for 4 years, and they have been happily married for decades now.

 

There are people who just don't do LDRs, and that's totally fine - in fact, I respect them for knowing what works and what doesn't for them. But hopefully I have managed to explain to you why some people end up in them.

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In this day and age there are a lot of dual career couples, and a lot of careers are mobile. In the field I work in this is really prevalent. The pattern generally goes that people meet when working in the same location, but then career progression demands the relocation of one or the other. Some couples will sacrifice or limit one party's career so they can stay collocated and move around together. Some won't and embark on LDRs.

 

I know couples who have chosen the latter path, subsequently married and been married for years, and have NEVER lived in the same location together. I also know couples who carefully plan and alternate between cohabitation and living apart. Kids are the real challenge. Even so, some seem to manage quite fine.

 

I don't think there's any 'correct' formula for what a relationship should look like. Each couple has to find what's right for them.

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Oh, you've just reminded me of one couple I know that are particularly noteworthy. They are not in a 'traditional' LDR as they ostensibly live in the same city, but in separate residences. However, they are both divorcees, in high powered careers that demand a pretty constant travel regime. Whenever and wherever they can be together, they are.

 

When they are both in their home city, they spend time at each others' houses while still maintaining them as separate. And they've been together for many years. When you see them together, it's obvious that they are still very much in love.

 

It obviously works for them :-)

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My former father-in-law remarried in his late 60s. He was retired and his new wife lived an hour away. They kept their own houses and spent less than half of their time together. After many years living an hour apart, his house burned and instead of moving in with his wife he bought a separate house close to her to eliminate the drive. Apparently they didn't feel a need to talk every day... when he died of a heart attack last year, he had been dead several days before anyone missed him.

 

That might be a clue as to why my ex-wife would sometimes go several days without speaking to me :rolleyes:

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My ex has been in an LDR for about 8 years....and I truly don't understand it. I know this because we broke up over 10 years ago, but we remained in on and off contact over the years.

 

Anyway, he lives half way across the world from his gf, he met her when he was studying abroad. He sometimes goes and spends a few months with her, but he's always had big plans to move where she lives but never followed through (his lack of follow-through is a big reason I dumped him myself ;) )

 

I find it odd. If I were in a relationship for 8 years where the guy never followed through on making a move to actually be with me, it would drive me insane. I guess it somehow works for them? I just would not understand what kind of future we would have!

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Largely due to commitment issues, I would have thought. I have only seen it with men who generally prefer not to give themselves fully to a relationship (not necessarily to cheat, they just don't want to be in it fully) and the women are gullible enough to go along with it.

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Largely due to commitment issues, I would have thought. I have only seen it with men who generally prefer not to give themselves fully to a relationship (not necessarily to cheat, they just don't want to be in it fully) and the women are gullible enough to go along with it.

 

This is what I think too.

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Ninjainpajamas

Likely an unintended romance, it wasn't something they sought out.

 

Just keep in mind a lot of these attractive guys are not always necessarily faithful, so it's not as much as a burden as you may otherwise believe.

 

So don't necessarily assume that they're not having anything local on the side until that other relationship matures into "reality".

 

It can actually be quite a convenient setup for guys who want to compartmentalize their lives and for the most part prioritize themselves and their career goals, aspirations until having to take a relationship seriously...where you tend to lose your independence, which is fine for the clingy/jealous guys without options, but not as much for the guys with options as they'll be tempted as some women don't even count LDR as real relationships since the woman isn't physically there.

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This is what I think too.

 

So you're not actually wanting to listen to the experiences of people who have been in LDRs, as your opening post suggests - you're just looking for someone to agree with your preconceived notions of these men.

 

Are these 'attractive, gregarious men who could have a woman nearby easily' perchance men you want for yourself and are just unhappy that they are taken?

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I’m in a LDR and he’s just too good to let go because of distance. I don't think that I'd go 8 years like this, but I don’t see anything inherently wrong or dysfunctional about it. My parents (married 60+ years and still going strong) had a commuter marriage for over a decade when they were in their 50’s because of their careers. The flirting and “dating” on weekends was pretty sweet.

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I’m in a LDR and he’s just too good to let go because of distance. I don't think that I'd go 8 years like this, but I don’t see anything inherently wrong or dysfunctional about it.

 

Right. Plus anyone who has ever been in a genuine LDR knows that LDRs often require more investment than the average dating relationship. Instead of being able to pop by your partner's house on the way home from work, you have to plan a visit months ahead, pay thousands of dollars in plane fares, take a couple weeks off work, and take a 10 hour flight to see them. Nobody is going to do that for a casual squeeze.

 

Obviously there are plenty of fake LDRs where both parties really are just using the other as a backburner and neither one is putting in effort, but those are pretty easy to spot. And similarly there are plenty of non-LDRs where that happens.

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Likely an unintended romance, it wasn't something they sought out.

 

Just keep in mind a lot of these attractive guys are not always necessarily faithful, so it's not as much as a burden as you may otherwise believe.

 

So don't necessarily assume that they're not having anything local on the side until that other relationship matures into "reality".

 

It can actually be quite a convenient setup for guys who want to compartmentalize their lives and for the most part prioritize themselves and their career goals, aspirations until having to take a relationship seriously...where you tend to lose your independence, which is fine for the clingy/jealous guys without options, but not as much for the guys with options as they'll be tempted as some women don't even count LDR as real relationships since the woman isn't physically there.

 

Interesting.

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Lokin4AReason

maybe afraid of things moving to quickly

 

 

needing space ....

 

 

women/ men in the area are not appealing ....

 

 

could be a list of scenarios

 

 

one thing(s) for sure, the inner web has it easier to meet people near you ( same town/ city ) or aboard ( as in the next state or country ) =0/

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So you're not actually wanting to listen to the experiences of people who have been in LDRs, as your opening post suggests - you're just looking for someone to agree with your preconceived notions of these men.

You are still unmarried, correct?

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In the past 6 months, I have met so many men who have a long-distance girlfriend, some half way across the world. I don't understand why someone would choose to be in an LDR with someone they met online, instead of a relationship with someone nearby? These are attractive gregarious men who could have a woman nearby easily.

During that period of my life, a generation ago, I simply got tired of running into and unwittingly dating or pursing married women locally. Never or rarely met single women, so went looking elsewhere. I was tied to the local area with my business and didn't want to uproot it so dated single women I could find irrespective of location. Dating internationally opened up new vistas of understanding of other cultures and places on the planet, lessons and experiences which pay dividends even to this day.

 

Ironically, it would be the mention of those experiences in my dating profile in the then new realm of internet dating which would, she said, cause a local single lady to become interested in my story and contact me. We eventually got married. In retrospect, I probably should have married my girlfriend from Ukraine. At the time, though, she was a grandmother and for her children were over and I was still interested in having some of my own. That's how life goes. YMMV>

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You are still unmarried, correct?

 

Did you not post in another thread about how you believe that marriage doesn't mean anything about commitment? :confused:

 

At any rate, I don't view marriage as the end-all-be-all of relationships either - there are plenty of ways in which investment/commitment can be shown, many of which are unique to the necessities of an LDR (see my above post). I'm not sure why you are bringing my relationship into this, as I have not brought up anything personal about you.

 

But if you insist on doing a 180 all of a sudden and insisting that marriage is THE golden measure of commitment, I do know several couples who have done LDRs and are married. Several of them are or were on LS.

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toscaroscura

I'm in an LDR of sorts. We met early 2014 and hit it off amazingly, but he got stationed halfway around the world.

 

We love each other, but we are realistic about LDRs and decided to keep options open. I am free to date, he is free to date. But recently we each confessed to each other that neither of us has met anyone as awesome as the other. :love:

 

So, things are going. We talk all the time. He'll be coming back stateside this summer and wants to come up to see me when he gets leave. We're taking it day by day and enjoying each other while we can. If he meets someone or I do, I suppose it wasn't meant to be.

 

Why do I do it? Well, I love him, we have a rare connection that has stood the test of time and distance, and like one poster said, he's worth it. One would think if he was just a temporary crush, my feelings would have diminished but it's not so. Same on his end, and he was initially more unsure (he's younger).

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My husband and I were in an LDR at first. We had a strong connection that we felt was worth exploring, and after dating for a few months one of us made the move. It's more stressful than dating someone who lives close by and I wouldn't do it indefinitely, but it really wasn't that terrible.

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OP, in the thread title you already assume that they choose. Why are you so sure it's a choice to begin with?

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I'm in an LDR of sorts. We met early 2014 and hit it off amazingly, but he got stationed halfway around the world.

 

We love each other, but we are realistic about LDRs and decided to keep options open. I am free to date, he is free to date. But recently we each confessed to each other that neither of us has met anyone as awesome as the other. :love:

 

So, things are going. We talk all the time. He'll be coming back stateside this summer and wants to come up to see me when he gets leave. We're taking it day by day and enjoying each other while we can. If he meets someone or I do, I suppose it wasn't meant to be.

 

Why do I do it? Well, I love him, we have a rare connection that has stood the test of time and distance, and like one poster said, he's worth it. One would think if he was just a temporary crush, my feelings would have diminished but it's not so. Same on his end, and he was initially more unsure (he's younger).

 

This is great. Is he military? I wonder because I've known quite a few military and retired military men who seem to be very comfortable with an LDR, which makes sense. And the ones I dated were very commitment-minded. My BF is retired military, served 20 years.

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toscaroscura
This is great. Is he military? I wonder because I've known quite a few military and retired military men who seem to be very comfortable with an LDR, which makes sense. And the ones I dated were very commitment-minded. My BF is retired military, served 20 years.

 

Yes he is! I'm military as well (reserves vs his active duty). My ex husband is also military. Suffice to say, I'm used to the occasional distance. :)

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Yes he is! I'm military as well (reserves vs his active duty). My ex husband is also military. Suffice to say, I'm used to the occasional distance. :)

 

Neat! That's great. Yeah, being used to it makes a huge difference, makes it so much smoother and more comfortable. He has that ease with it. Doesn't fluster him at all. Perfectly normal.

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Five year LDR here, both in our 40s and both happy with the status quo. Neither of us has commitment issues because we're both completely committed to one another, we just don't need to be together all the time.

 

We fell for each other and we just happened to live on opposite sides of the world. Over the years we've talked about one of us moving to the other but, for all sorts of reasons, continuing as we are has always been a better option. We will probably end up in the same country permanently at some point, but then again maybe not.

 

I think you're making the assumption that everybody in the world wants, or needs, a conventional relationship. We don't.

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