Uh, new guy just left for deployment. Tips for military dating?

[PinkCarnations]

I was seeing this guy for only a few weeks before he left on a naval deployment to the Persian Gulf. At first, I only saw things as a fling and didn't have plans to see him again. For some reason, a week after he left, he found me on facebook and added me. I messaged him, just wishing him well and what not. Then he asked me if I was going out for Halloween, and I sent him a picture of my costume... We started exchanging messages every day after that. He's very busy on the ship, so our conversation isn't always us chatting back and forth - more like one message from him every couple of hours. He has to use the ship's computer. When he ports at a base, he has wifi on his phone. He skyped me once. Anyways we talk a lot about things we'll do when he gets back, which isn't for another 7 months (out of a 9-month deployment). I've never did long distance before. I'm afraid I'll run out of things to talk about. And 9 months is a long time to go without sex, especially when there's someone you'd like to have sex with (ie. him). I sent him a care package already, but I could probably send a couple more. We're not boyfriend/girlfriend but he talks to me like he's interested of course. For instance, I talked about getting a New Years kiss, and he said that I would get one next year (by him). He's going to take me camping when he gets back, help me move, getting me gifts from the Middle East, & what not. Also I'm 3 years older than him, but it feels like he's older since he has a career (naval officer) and I'm still finishing grad school.

 

But I don't know, should I be exclusive with a guy who I'm not even officially dating (e.g., not talk to other guys)? Right now i refrain from acting too mushy.. I mean, should I send him letters and more care packages or is that too much from a non-girlfriend?

 

Any other tips to keep the spark alive for another couple months with a military guy?

[d0nnivain]

There are websites & such devoted exclusively to this subject.

 

 

It is very difficult to date somebody who is deployed. It's got to be more difficult when you are trying to sort out what you are to each other.

 

 

Just keep communicating. You won't run out of things to talk about, If anything because that is a fear of yours, this may force you to develop a more cerebral relationship rather than solely relying on the physical.

 

 

Do not search the news for his ship. You will make yourself crazy.

[USMCHokie]

l'll input my 2 cents on this a little bit later...all I can say is that your ambiguous "relationship" will make things a little tougher than if you were a no sh*t couple...

 

About me, I did about 8 months long distance with my SO and then a year-long deployment...proposed right off the bus after getting back and then moved her 2000 miles a month later and that was a little over a year ago. We're doing well.

[PinkCarnations]

l'll input my 2 cents on this a little bit later...all I can say is that your ambiguous "relationship" will make things a little tougher than if you were a no sh*t couple...

 

About me, I did about 8 months long distance with my SO and then a year-long deployment...proposed right off the bus after getting back and then moved her 2000 miles a month later and that was a little over a year ago. We're doing well.

 

So do u think I should be concerned that I'm giving up seeing other guys for a guy who's not actually my boyfriend and who I won't see for another half year? Whats worse is when he actually does come back, i'll be moving 2 hours away for a job. So it's going to be forever long distance even if we survive his deployment. I can't talk to him on the phone. Our contact is limited to Facebook message & the occasional Skype & snapchats. What do u recommend for care packages? Is it too mushy to be sending letters? We don't have that many memories together.

[d0nnivain]

Letters are great. They are more tangible then e-mail or other electronic communications.

 

 

Care packages should include small things: gum, candy bars, soft toilet paper, maybe a puzzle book. Remember he doesn't have a lot of space & it will also cost a fortune to send heavy bulky things.

[USMCHokie]

So do u think I should be concerned that I'm giving up seeing other guys for a guy who's not actually my boyfriend and who I won't see for another half year?

 

Well, that's one way to put it. I think it's great that he has someone back home to share companionship with, but it's a tricky situation. My recommendation is that you reduce your "relationship" with him to friendship and continue with your life. If he comes home and you both happen to be single, maybe reexplore that option. He will get off at ports and will probably enjoy himself more as a single man than as part of a pseudo couple. This goes for you as well.

 

Whats worse is when he actually does come back, i'll be moving 2 hours away for a job. So it's going to be forever long distance even if we survive his deployment.

 

This is where I will say that this will 99.9% not work when you get back. If you can't set a no sh*t date that you can circle on a calendar that you all will close the distance, then it won't work. We both knew for an absolute certainty that if she didn't move after I returned from deployment, it would not work.

 

I can't talk to him on the phone.

 

With advances in technology, i.e., Facetime, Skype, etc., not having phone access isn't a killer. I never once talked on the phone in my year overseas.

 

What do u recommend for care packages? Is it too mushy to be sending letters? We don't have that many memories together.

 

Letters are fine, but to be honest, with email and Facebook messenging, there's no need for them. The delay can be quite long, but it's also nice to have your name called for mail call.

 

And care packages...ah...for the most part, junk food is good (I was partially to large Sam's Club sized bags of gummy bears)...hygiene stuff he uses that is too high end to be purchased on ship (I put my normal hair product in daily )...again, if you haven't known him for that long, you won't know what to get him...

 

My SO would know exactly what I would want for a care package now since we've been living together for a year and a half...back then she'd have to ask or guess...and there's no tougher question for a deployed service member than "what do you want in your care package"...seriously...

[d0nnivain]

With half a planet between you, 2 hours isn't that big of gap. It won't be easy but you can meet.

[PinkCarnations]

Thanks for the suggestions. My first care package consisted of a Christmas card, all his favorite snacks (which I managed to learn from him over our conversations and I also asked his brother), pjs, and a flash drive with music & movies. he mentioned receiving letters from people would be nice since his family keeps sending stuff which he has nowhere to put.

 

When he's on land, I'm not afraid he will talk to other ppl since he told me he's not going to sleep with anyone else if I don't either. As far as people on the ship, he says he's not allowed to hook up with anyone.

 

About our 2-hour distance when he returns, I guess it's not that bad bc I could come see him every weekend and I hope to return to the city we met if I can find a job there..

 

But u guys are right, I'm going to treat it as a close friendship until he comes back. It doesn't seem right to just stop talking to him bc hes out on the other side of the country and its nice to have someone to talk to and things to look forward to..

[PinkCarnations]

Yeah, that's what I was afraid of. I'm like his "anchor" back home. but what if I'm not? how would I even know if it's genuine or not? I talk to him daily and have gotten to the point where I look forward to seeing his messages. I don't know what to do or how to act towards him. I mean I will keep my eye out for other guys to date but it seems wrong to hook up with another guy while he's out there protecting my freedom. But I don't want to waste my time with someone who's using me to pass the time.

[USMCHokie]

What's a good way to tell someone you're limited to being their USA friend without acting presumptuous and hurting our relationship? He'll prob cut things off with me if he heard that. He's a typical alpha male.

 

Then let him. If you are already this emotionally dependent on him, then some self-reflection may be in order...

 

You don't need to go out and tell him this. And LadyLuck said it better than me but hit the nail on the head...he could very well be using you for companionship and to pass the time. Just be careful with the words you use as to not suggest that you two are becoming an exclusive couple...and go out and do your thing...if nothing materializes in your real life, then keep him as your own safety blanket. But I'm assuming you aren't so desperate that he's your only option.

[PinkCarnations]

Then let him. If you are already this emotionally dependent on him, then some self-reflection may be in order...

 

You don't need to go out and tell him this. And LadyLuck said it better than me but hit the nail on the head...he could very well be using you for companionship and to pass the time. Just be careful with the words you use as to not suggest that you two are becoming an exclusive couple...and go out and do your thing...if nothing materializes in your real life, then keep him as your own safety blanket. But I'm assuming you aren't so desperate that he's your only option.

 

Good advice. Thanks! I was just afraid to ruin a good thing by overanalyzing the situation. He could genuinely be interested in me, like he was when we were hanging out before he met. We never talked about what would happen when he leaves because i think he assumed i wouldn't want to continue talking to him while he's away, since that might seem like a lot to ask of someone. I'm going to just go with the flow and see what happens. I definitely enjoy having someone to talk to as much as he does though.

 

I noticed you're from SoCal. I'll be in LA, and he'll be in San Diego. That's not too far for a relationship, right?

Edited December 31, 2014 by PinkCarnations

[USMCHokie]

Good advice. Thanks! I was just afraid to ruin a good thing by overanalyzing the situation. He could genuinely be interested in me, like he was when we were hanging out before he met. We never talked about what would happen when he leaves because i think he assumed i wouldn't want to continue talking to him while he's away, since that might seem like a lot to ask of someone. I'm going to just go with the flow and see what happens. I definitely enjoy having someone to talk to as much as he does though.

 

I noticed you're from SoCal. I'll be in LA, and he'll be in San Diego. That's not too far for a relationship, right?

 

Depends on how long the 2-hour separation is going to last...I did it for 4 weeks and 6 weeks at a time while I was going to school down in the San Diego area, so my SO and I had a 2 and a half hour drive between us. It was annoying, to say the least, and the distance will wear on you. Both of you will be reduced to no life outside of work besides visiting each other on the weekends. You may eventually grow to resent each other if you are both giving up other things just to see each other on the weekends. I don't see any reason to continue such an arrangement indefinitely...no one is that remarkable or irreplaceable...

[PinkCarnations]

Depends on how long the 2-hour separation is going to last...I did it for 4 weeks and 6 weeks at a time while I was going to school down in the San Diego area, so my SO and I had a 2 and a half hour drive between us. It was annoying, to say the least, and the distance will wear on you. Both of you will be reduced to no life outside of work besides visiting each other on the weekends. You may eventually grow to resent each other if you are both giving up other things just to see each other on the weekends. I don't see any reason to continue such an arrangement indefinitely...no one is that remarkable or irreplaceable...

 

Yeah.. I figured. The thing is I wanted to live in San Diego, but I got offered a good job in LA. Eventually i wanna come back to San Diego when that office has an opening. I'm going to have fun with him for now and the couple of weeks I have with him before I move to LA and end things right after. LA is a big city, and I'm sure I'll meet new people. I will miss my military guys in San Diego though.. lol.

[d0nnivain]

California traffic is a bear. However, there are tons of fun places between LA & San Diego where you can meet.

 

 

Let him come home 1st. See how that goes. You have to make the best decisions for you & your financial security without considering him at this point because you don't know where you stand.

 

 

After you establish a relationship if you decide together this has potential for forever you can make other plans about your job & your future.

[justwhoiam]

No one should pass judgement on intentions here. I mean, who can tell if he's being genuine or just wanting to have someone to care about him?

 

I don't know him, so I can't tell. I guess most soldiers would be genuine, because they value the importance of someone being faithful, going through anything for them as they can go through anything while in service, etc.

 

Are the lucky ones the ones who don't have a gf at home so that they can do anything wherever they are? Or are the lucky ones the ones who do have a gf back home, caring for them and about them, sending care packages, even visiting them or waiting for them home, etc? In my experience, the latter is more common than the former. But I'm on the other side, so I don't know first-hand. I had friends in the army and relatives in the wars. This is just my experience.

[zebracolors]

My bf is also military (US Army) since August last year. One thing we both have been finding out about military, is that more often than not, orders and agendas can change almost last minute. And as others have said, constant communication and support is very important. And always keep remembering that at some point he'll come back and you can see him in person, even if only for a limited time as he could get deployed again.

 

Also, and this is really big, in the times he's away, you have to focus on your life just as much as communicating with him. Focus on your studies, go out with friends and just live your life.