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Trouble Expressing Concern Or Am I Making Something Out Of Nothing?


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SingingInTheRain

Next month marks my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. Overall everything has been pretty good, but I'm worried my current situation and past experiences may be starting to lead me to sabotaging the relationship. The past two relationships before I started dating my boyfriend were very rocky and did end both times with my ex leaving me for someone else. The last one happened to end a few weeks before our one year so I felt that should be known for context. That and every relationship I have been in there have been people who feel bad for whoever is dating me as they believe I bore them to death. This, I admit, has made me very insecure about myself and just how people view me.

 

Then there is the current situation. For most of my life I have lived with crohns disease and recently I found out that I am unable to bear children. My boyfriend has been very supportive, but this does make it very hard to have intercourse. As when I am flaring I am in too much pain or it just kills any sexual urges. The last six months we have had to shift our relationship to long distance because of work. We were finally able to plan a visit and as luck would have it I became very ill. Treatment for my crohns usually involves me taking a plethora of medication that affect my emotions. Especially negative ones.

 

I have always had trouble expressing certain topics. Which brings me to the problem. I can't tell if this is my medication messing with me, but lately I have honed in on a change in mood set. My bf has stopped saying I love you since my last visit. While there, and sick, the whole time he would comment, "You always seem to get sick when I'm around." The past few weeks he seems more distant. I try to remain calm and remind myself that he is currently adjusting to a new job and move. He started working in a new city and company about three weeks ago. So he is probably focusing on getting everything settled there and getting a routine set up.

 

I guess getting to the point would be this:

- I'm debating on seeing if anything is up. I'm starting to panic internally that I'm boring the poor guy to death. Should I express what these meds are making me feel and think? How it makes me focus on my anxiety about how my crohns affects our relationship and even after a year I still get nervous telling him things because I worry I'll come off as a burden?

 

Since I'm not always able to best express myself physically I make sure to compliment and encourage him. I do worry that without a major amount of physical encouragement that the emotional support is enough for him.

 

I don't know really the best way I would bring this up to him. What I would say? How to word it so that it comes off as me calmly expressing a feeling, but not coming off as a complaint. Or should I just keep quiet?

 

Hope you guys can help!

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I don't think you should be quiet. As a guy I'd very much like to know this and I'm sure that goes for many others too. You know him best yourself and when will be a good moment to bring up topics of the bit more heavy caliber. If he is understanding then anytime should be good, however if you can get a day or an extended period of time together where it's just you two and things are calm, this would be a good moment to bring it up.

 

It can be pretty difficult to estimate what situation is most ideal for you both, but a partner who respects his/her mate will always show kindness to listen. You are dealing with something pretty significant and while even after a year it may be difficult to talk about certain things, sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and believe in your partner.

 

Also, I'd just ignore comments from others about how you may "bore" someone to death, I know some people find themselves boring, but that doesn't mean others do the same about them. If you have a sincere interest and mind that welcomes most personality types, then you can find beauty in most people.

 

Anyway, think of a good way to find time to spend together and talk to him about it, the easiest way to remove most fears and problems is through communication.

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If I were not feeling well and my boyfriend thought I was doing that on purpose, I think that'd make me cry.

 

You have a chronic disease, not the flu. He needs to understand that, and see if he can deal with it. I guess he didn't fully realize what living with someone with a chronic disease means.

 

Regarding you being boring, I have no idea who keeps telling you about that. Have you ever asked to explain why in detail?

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SingingInTheRain
If I were not feeling well and my boyfriend thought I was doing that on purpose, I think that'd make me cry.

 

You have a chronic disease, not the flu. He needs to understand that, and see if he can deal with it. I guess he didn't fully realize what living with someone with a chronic disease means.

 

Regarding you being boring, I have no idea who keeps telling you about that. Have you ever asked to explain why in detail?

 

Well to be honest it has been in the people in the past who had feelings for the person I was dating or had a very dominating personality.

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Well to be honest it has been in the people in the past who had feelings for the person I was dating or had a very dominating personality.
Did these people end up in a relationship with him? I don't get it... So did he eventually prefer them over you?
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SingingInTheRain
Did these people end up in a relationship with him? I don't get it... So did he eventually prefer them over you?

 

Haha sorry. It isn't easy when you aren't given the fill story. One of them did, two others attempted, but it didn't happen. It's honestly just a main insecurity of mine.

 

Though right now my main concern is how to best bring up this conversation with my boyfriend. I would prefer to do this in person, but since we are long distance I don't know how to best start it.

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right now my main concern is how to best bring up this conversation with my boyfriend. I would prefer to do this in person, but since we are long distance I don't know how to best start it.
Are you ready to see him go?

I think the best would be writing an e-mail where you point out anything related to your condition, how it makes you feel, how often on average and how unpredictably.

And then I would seriously ask him: are you ready to face this? Are you ready to have moments ruined?

 

Life is full of unpredictable lows already, but when you live with someone with a chronic disease, the lows shouldn't be seen as something unexpected, rather as something that is part of the deal. He needs to look at the whole picture and decide if the deal is for him or not.

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