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How to deal with this relationship ? x_x


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Hi !

 

I'm french and since almost one year now I'm in long distance relationship with an Indonesian guy.

At first all was very nice, but little by little things change and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

This all start make me crazy and depressed so I'm here to ask you guys advice.

 

As I said first, all was very nice but little by little things went wrong. He start asking me stop talk to guys, and it was cute at first, so I accepted without hesitation, but now I realize it was bad idea. I no longer can talk to guys without have really bad reaction from him, even if it's just for work purpose, it's even became hard to see friend, even once a month it's too much to ask, I need give him all my free time (because «*we're from different time zone*») and even though I'm doing this for this person when it's not what I wish, this person is able rude to me, calling me bitch, say I'm not caring or not loving him. I moreover don't have right to like things such "japanese stuff" cause it's childish. this person once threat me to leave me if i don't promise to stop like it..

 

I understand we're from different culture and we don't have same way to act or think so i try be the most caring and understanding possible. This person seem to really love me but at same time his act are really self centered.

 

Here is one example that happen few day ago.

My friends organized me a half-surprise birthday with my parents cause I wasn't making it by myself and even though I prevented him, when the birthday was finished he was sad and angry I didn't give him my time, he was sad be alone. Then cause he started to rude, I told him that I was enough care of what he want but not him caring of what I want, so I asked him to have my "freedom" which mean, like what I want, can talk to guys and go out from time to time.

I promised him not talk to much and not go out too much to respect his wish too, I only asked to do «*half half*», but then.. he said that then he would do the same, he started add many girls (and of course many ex and girl loving him) and talk to them while not reply to me, obviously sending me message meant to them to me to make me jealous, said we would see each other just few.

 

This person in 1 minutes broke all I give to him in 10 months, he didn't give back the care i give to him (rassure me, tell everything is okay), didn't mind my feeling (adding bitches) but only used them back to make me mad and jealous and me ask him to be as we was before.

I was so sad and enough keeping this always for myself and be sad alone without anyone know it that I said it to my best friend who went talk to him just to explain things to him, not in a nasty way but he took it bad and said to me "Wow ! no one ever say this to me ! I'll show you what is jerk, coward, rude, abusive, I don't care anymore you're hurt i have no love any more ! I'll fiance and go ask X be my girl. Go to hell !" Seeing that he added X I left... (X ever said and did really bad things to me such as say lie about me, or about my boy, or said he died when he was at hospital, or even said to him that she would give him her body, ect ect..)...and now I'm not back just to think about this relationship.

Even thought 1 day before he promised not rude anymore... he did it again and add X again even thought he know how much its hurt me.

 

There could have many other things to add (such as the fact he compare me to other girl, that I forgive him many mistakes but he never forgive mine, I even became afraid say things to him cause I don't wanna be left.... ) but I think it's enough.

 

So yeah here it is.. long story but i don't know how to deal with him anymore...

I feel like I became a bad person, I no longer know what is good or bad, I become more rude to other people than him and I don't like it. I feel like I start loose my sanity...

He always success make me feel low or what I ask is bad, I don't feel like he respect me or care about my feelings.. yet he really seem to love me it make me confused.

He is a bit like «*everything or nothing*», sometimes he is so nice and some other so nasty...

I know we're different that there is many misunderstood and that we can't understand well each other but here it go really far.

I'm really sad and tired of it... but I'll try my best to pick up all the pieces..

 

We seem both hurt each other...

I'm honnestly not able stand without him but at same time with him I'm dying and crazy...

I stayed 1 year without say anything but now I ask it*:

Please give us advice...

 

Thank you all... and sorry for this long message

 

P.S1*: He could sometimes say I'm cheating or talking to guys and check all my messages, maybe he just miss of self confidence and care but then all I do seem have no effect.

P.S2*: He is someone who could kill himself if I break up with him, so he is pretty depressive person.

P.S3*: Sorry for my bad english :p

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Sorry, but from what you wrote, I find it difficult to find this guy has even one redeeming value.

 

Certainly you can do better than this. N'est-ce pas?

 

Best,

TMichaels

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I'm french and since almost one year now I'm in long distance relationship with an Indonesian guy.

Have you ever met him? Or is this a virtual relationship?

 

He start asking me stop talk to guys, and it was cute at first, so I accepted without hesitation, but now I realize it was bad idea.
I guess he wanted some form of commitment from you. Commitment should come only after meeting someone in real life. Not before. Before that, it always is a bad idea.

 

I no longer can talk to guys without have really bad reaction from him, even if it's just for work purpose
What's your job? And how does he know that you are talking to guys?

 

it's even became hard to see friend, even once a month it's too much to ask, I need give him all my free time (because «*we're from different time zone*») and even though I'm doing this for this person when it's not what I wish, this person is able rude to me, calling me bitch, say I'm not caring or not loving him

1) you don't let anyone call you that/names, especially a boyfriend

2) you'd rather do something else than be with him, do you think he couldn't sense it? That could have triggered bad reactions, especially if it was reiterated

3) you might be a bad planner, I tend to think that there's time for everything, if you plan well

 

I moreover don't have right to like things such "japanese stuff" cause it's childish. this person once threat me to leave me if i don't promise to stop like it..
"Japanese stuff" seems too broad, what do you like specifically? Does he hate the "hello kitty" brand? He wouldn't be alone in that, I'm sure. It also depends on how old you are. If you're 17, I guess he should just live with it; if you're 30, then I'd see where he comes from. Some people have a 'take it or leave it' attitude. Some things might be a dealbreaker, for whatever reason. He made it clear with you. At that point, it's up to you to see if that is acceptable or not. But you can't accept something against your own will just not to break up. Do you understand that? Who's more mature? Someone who put it all out there for you to know what he finds acceptable and what not, or someone who accepts rules and limitations reluctantly? AKA saying yes, when in her own mind it's a no?

 

I understand we're from different culture
Did you take time to know his culture and traditions? Did you learn enough about his country and his family/upbringing?

 

This person seem to really love me but at same time his act are really self centered.
Has he ever done anything for you? How has he shown his love?

 

Here is one example that happen few day ago.

My friends organized me a half-surprise birthday with my parents cause I wasn't making it by myself and even though I prevented him, when the birthday was finished he was sad and angry I didn't give him my time, he was sad be alone.

That's what I call bad planning. It shouldn't be him or other people. It should be him AND other people. If you let him out of your life, that's not good. You could have just said: I'll have family around on my bday, but I want to have a special day with you to celebrate my bday. Can we celebrate it on XXX (where XXX is the date you chose? Or simply the next day). What you do and how you do it depends on you. I only see that you didn't care about him on your bday, and that to me is not cool. Others might also turn the cam on and make their boyfriend part of the party.

 

he started add many girls (and of course many ex and girl loving him) and talk to them
Why does that bother you? You want freedom, you give freedom. If you think freedom is good for you, it should be good to him too.

 

This person in 1 minutes broke all I give to him in 10 months
Just by talking to other girls instead of talking to you? Wasn't he all about talking to you before you suggested you want to spend time with your friends and talk to guys and have your freedom back?

 

he didn't give back the care i give to him
Again, it's not just about giving, it's also in the way you give. And to me, it only sounds as if you were frustrated and not happy about the state of things or about the things you were doing. And it doesn't take a genius to understand that. It didn't come from the heart, rather it was forced upon you.

 

Also, there's no way I could be with someone calling me names. How can you accept that? How can you have anyone respect you if you don't respect yourself first? How do you expect to build something meaningful with someone calling you names right at the beginning of a relationship?

 

There could have many other things to add (such as the fact he compare me to other girl
Can you make examples?

 

I even became afraid say things to him cause I don't wanna be left....
A relationship in which you live in fear can't be a healthy relationship.

 

i don't know how to deal with him anymore...

1) Leave him alone

2) Start doing the things you couldn't do because of that relationship

3) If you are in a relationship, you need to physically meet the other person, before committing in any way

4) Get to learn the other person before giving your all

5) Start getting to know yourself and your needs, and don't end up with a guy only not to be alone

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evanescentworld

Oh mon dieu, sacre bleu, nom d'un nom...

Il te contrôle, complètement! Ceci n'est pas une relation, il t'a mis en galère....!

Il faut que tu lis attentivement, ce site, et meme cette page associée, et il faut que tu te rends compte qu'il n'as pas un gramme d'affection pour toi. Tu es une victime, pas une fiancée!

Ceci est une relation extrêmement dangereuse pour toi. ça risque de te détruire psychologiquement et moralement. C'est impératif que tu t’enlève toute suite, sans aucune hésitation, maintenant. Le plus tôt possible.

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