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Getting an Introduction for an LDR


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I have a friend, er, Jasmine, and I decided just to ask if they knew anyone single and they said their sister, er, Mary. Jasmine told me a bit about Mary and... well it sounds like Mary is a party animal. She also looks attractive.

 

I think me and Mary might come from two different worlds, she live two hours drive away from me as well and not often in this area.

 

But... I just want to say, never say never, let's meet and see where things go.

 

Maybe no where, maybe more.

 

Jasmine has been telling me about Mary, showing me Mary's photos, keeps saying how Mary lives two hours away. Even when I say, when can I meet her, I get told she lives too far away. Well stop showing me her photos and telling me she's single.

 

Honestly, I have a nagging doubt it won't work. But, there's no harm trying. You never know.

 

But what do I do? Im having such a hard time reading women. On one hand Jasmine shows me Mary's photos, on the other hand, Jasmine says Mary lives too far away. Never a Yes. Never a No. Never an answer to the question I ask. Q) "When can I meet her?" A) "She lives two hours away", is that a yes, a no?

 

How do you proceed from here? First I need to find out what Jasmine means. Is she saying no in disguise? sparing my feelingss? I need to find out if Mary would be interested in me. Then I need an introduction. Distance is a problem, but email, Skype etc? Schedule a meet up?

 

I intend to send one or two texts to Jasmine, short, to the point covering this, saying Im interested in meeting your sister, you never know whats around corner, would she be interested in me? Distance isn't a problem really...

 

HELP!

 

Tailor

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Ask when Mary will next be in the area or ask Jasmine if you can drive her to go visit Mary.

 

If Jasmine gives you grief about the distance, just say "don't worry about it. We haven't even met yet but I'd like to get to meet your sister." If she still balks, remind her that she's the one who brought Mary to your attention.

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Thanks donnivain

 

You can tell Jasmine and Mary are fictitious names. It's so difficult keeping things anon.

 

Does it change the dyanmic if Jasmine is married? And we're all between 40 and 55, that's all I shall say. If Jasmine travelled, she would probably go with her husband. I like the idea though.

 

And I like the follow up "you told me about Mary" and showed me her photos. Jasmine even told a mutual friend in front of me she was trying to set Mary up with me. I wasn't even interested in her photos until Jasmine wanted to show me. How serious she's been I don't know. Maybe she does just mean Mary lives a long way a way, so I don't know when you can see her. Or she's backed herself into a corner. There are *some* women who just cannot be direct! And the lack of a yes or no, is annoying me. Some tease!

 

Mary sounds really nice. I would like to meet her, I don't know whether we'd click, but the thing is, you just don't know. And if things worked out one of us might relocate.

 

So many things I want to say to Jasmine, both to be direct and cover my own backside if things go wrong. I don't want to be so direct as to be forceful, because if it doesn't work out, there's egg on my face. But I don't want to be so wishy washy, I pass up on an opportunity because I wasn't decisive or I was too ambiguous.

 

I get the sense though I need to cover all bases.... Your sister sounds nice, I want to meet, I don't have a problem with distance, I don't mind travelling, we could video chat, we might click. You bought her to my attention. Would she be interested? Would you be OK with it? Be direct with me....

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Why would you want an LDR? It sounds like you're inept with women, so perhaps someone at a distance wouldn't be challenging? Anyway, it sounds like a bad idea all-around based on what you wrote. Look for someone nearby, where you may actually have a chance at a relationship or at least an opportunity to develop relationship skills.

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It does make a bit of a difference that Jasmine is married because you can't very well go traveling 4 hours round trip without her husband. What's his take on the subject of you & Mary. Perhaps recruit him to suggest a double date closer to Mary.

 

If you want a chuckle, I didn't realize the names were fictitious but I found it odd that one sister had a traditional name & the other an exotic one.

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Inept. That's a positive thing, central. I haven't had much experience, and I don't have women falling at my feet. Im a bit on the shy side. But any opportunity.

 

I don't really know the husband to be honest, met him a few times, but I only really know Jasmine. I like the sound of double dating, that could be good. Apparently me and Jasmines husband are similar - so it would be definitely good to get another friend in the arsenal. But Jasmine has kids, so whether we'd all go travelling together to double date miles away is another question.

 

On the face of it, it feels to me Jasmine is being a bit ambiguous, not direct. She's not saying no, she's not saying Yes, but a few things she's said gives me hope. I don't want hope if there's nothing there.

 

So d0nnivain, some really good suggestions. As you can see though, driving Jasmine to her sisters, or trying to get a double date tricky.

 

I fear I might be being ambiguous or acting aloof/disinterested. And I have to find out what's going on without being nauseous.

 

Actually I remember something else, it was more like "When can I see her?" "Well she lives far away and we've only seen her a couple of times over the year". That's good, but where does that leave me?

 

This will keep going round in circles. The answers should be Yes on XX date, or No, or I'll find out for you, or she's really not interested. Maybe as I said she just means it's difficult for me to introduce you to her because she lives far away and we rarely see her, but maybe she will follow through. Women seem to have their own shorthand leaving us poor blokes to try and work out what it means.

 

That's why I feel like setting my stall out, my intentions, expectations. Then just have done with it. Move on. At least I've tried. But I don't want to leave things in limbo and leave it at "she lives far away and we don't see her". Fine, but what does that mean for me? And I don't want want to impinge on family time either. That's precious.

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Ick. First I was just excited that there was someone single that I might get to meet at some point and see if we hit it off.

 

But the whole distance thing has come off as a "you can't have her" type thing, and it's practically making me think more long term of everything that can go wrong.

 

Jasmine says she needs to speak to Mary.

 

Whoa, wait. All I wanted was an introduction.

 

It feels like its turned into more.

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This all sounds pretty comical to me. Sorry for being direct. Give up now is my advice, actually, how can you give up on something that hasn't even started? Mary doesn't know you even exist, right? She probably won't be interested and the distance is another factor to understand. Sir, I suggest you try and meet local women instead of focusing on something that will simply never happy.

Good luck. :p

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You're kind of ruining your chance with Mary.

 

The best way to go is leaving Jasmine out. You can tell her: I'd like to meet her. The first chance I get, I might ask her out. Please give me her number.

 

If she refuses, then you'll say: OK, too bad, I would have liked a date with her.

 

If she insists on being the one who will manage to start the communication between you two, you say: No, thanks, I'm grown up enough to have someone else taking care of my dates.

 

If she gives you her sister's number, you then start looking up some upcoming event in her city (be it a show, an exhibition, a game, younameit). When you find one that you might like, you check to see if tickets are still available. Then you pick up the phone and call her, and you say something like: Hi, I'm John, one of Jasmine's friends. She told me you live in Cincinnati. I'd like to come there for (you name the event), it's in two weeks (or whenever it is, but in the range of 2 or 3 weeks). Would you like to go? It'd be half the fun if I go there alone!

 

And you start from there.

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Mary saw your photo and said she wasn't interested and Jasmine doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

 

Jasmine has said she would tell me if she wasn't interested. I believe her. I don't think she is protecting my feelings she's just being incredibly factual - Mary lives a few hours away, Mary is hardly in this area. That's about it. I've told Jasmine to tell me honestly anything because Im not living with false hope. I get the impression that Jasmine thinks Mary is a flake.

 

This all sounds pretty comical to me. Sorry for being direct. Give up now is my advice, actually, how can you give up on something that hasn't even started? Mary doesn't know you even exist, right? She probably won't be interested and the distance is another factor to understand. Sir, I suggest you try and meet local women instead of focusing on something that will simply never happy.

Good luck. :p

 

Ultimately, I think you're right. On the slim chance anything might happen, Im willing to give it a go. It's all experience right.

 

You're kind of ruining your chance with Mary.

 

The best way to go is leaving Jasmine out. You can tell her: I'd like to meet her. The first chance I get, I might ask her out. Please give me her number.

 

If she refuses, then you'll say: OK, too bad, I would have liked a date with her.

 

If she insists on being the one who will manage to start the communication between you two, you say: No, thanks, I'm grown up enough to have someone else taking care of my dates.

 

If she gives you her sister's number, you then start looking up some upcoming event in her city (be it a show, an exhibition, a game, younameit). When you find one that you might like, you check to see if tickets are still available. Then you pick up the phone and call her, and you say something like: Hi, I'm John, one of Jasmine's friends. She told me you live in Cincinnati. I'd like to come there for (you name the event), it's in two weeks (or whenever it is, but in the range of 2 or 3 weeks). Would you like to go? It'd be half the fun if I go there alone!

 

And you start from there.

 

This isn't a bad shout. I was thinking similar. There's a few things coming up in Mary's area. I was thinking of getting in touch with Mary via Facebook, just start of with light conversation "Jasmine says you know about XYZ and Im looking to do that, what do you recommend" and try and go from there.

 

It's just the whole getting in touch with what is effectively a stranger out of the blue with an ulterior motive. Can you do that? "Hello, you don't know me, but I know you and I think you're gorgeous and I want to get to know you better". Even if it's not in those words, that's what will be being said. Which is why an introduction surely is better?

 

Your words sound simple - I'd like to date her. But if I say that, Jasmine says that Mary lives too far away. I don't like going round in circles. So Im trying to counteract Jasmines negatives, and possibly my negatives, saying there's no pressure, Im not building this up, I would just like a date. Trying to get across Im not naive, Im not stupid, no one knows the future. It's this bit Im falling down on. Maybe I should just ask can I have her number to get in touch, I'd really like to date her?

 

(I can feel myself now wanting to minimise any expectation - dating has commitment, not that I have a problem with commitment, just wanting to prove that Im not expecting the impossible if we don't click).

 

I need to be bold, confident. Ok, should I even get Jasmine's permission to message Mary on Facebook?

 

If Jasmine still doesn't give me Mary's number? Well, move on I guess.

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Jasmine has said she would tell me if she wasn't interested.
So that means Mary knows about you, saw pics of you and might be interested. It's something to begin with.

 

I get the impression that Jasmine thinks Mary is a flake.
She might be right, as Mary's still single. But you should also know that anyone can be a different thing for any different person. A teacher can be sexy to her man, annoying to her students, inconsistent to her mother, fun to her friends, stingy to her relatives, and so on.

 

I was thinking of getting in touch with Mary via Facebook
I think phone is better. You don't want to start as a virtual friend, do you?

 

It's just the whole getting in touch with what is effectively a stranger out of the blue with an ulterior motive.
She's not a stranger. And you're not a total stranger. You're friends with one of her family.

 

"Hello, you don't know me, but I know you and I think you're gorgeous and I want to get to know you better".
Uhm, no. No. You're going to embarass yourself like that, with the you don't know me/I know you.......... and "you're gorgeous", come on. No. Get to know her a little bit before indulging in any compliment. My rule is, if she's pretty, compliment what she does or the way she is (her attitude, her skills, etc) before complimenting her looks. Complimenting looks is the easiest and cheapest thing a man can do when approaching a woman. It's not negative in itself, it is if you can't go past that. So first show that you can go beyond the surface. That can impress a woman. After that, you might have the rest of your life to compliment her looks.

 

Even if it's not in those words, that's what will be being said. Which is why an introduction surely is better?
You're a grown man. You don't need someone doing the job for you. You want something? You try and get it. You don't wait around for it to be served on a silver tray.

 

Your words sound simple
And what exactly is wrong with that? Why do you want to complicate things?

 

I'd like to date her. But if I say that, Jasmine says that Mary lives too far away.
What you do with your life is up to you. You get to know someone, maybe you spend a pleasant evening, and that's it. Or it could go further on. Who knows?

 

Maybe I should just ask can I have her number to get in touch, I'd really like to date her?
Avoid "I'd really like to date her". Make it casual and not that binding. Just ask for her number should you happen to be in the area, you might meet her. That's it.

 

I need to be bold, confident.
Yes.

 

should I even get Jasmine's permission to message Mary on Facebook?
NO!!! Besides, forget facebook.

 

If Jasmine still doesn't give me Mary's number?
You could do anything, but it's better you don't do anything. You can't try too hard for someone you've not met yet.
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The advice came far too late. I asked Jasmine if I could email Mary. No response... This is the thing that's frustrating, Im not getting a Yes, Im not getting a No, Im just being ignored or being told "she lives too far away, but i'd let you know if she wasn't interested".

 

Where we are so far. Everyone has got different ideas. Im actually favouring the bold approach. Problem with either email or phone is that I need to get those details. Those details are not public. Im relying on Jasmine to give me the details for me to make contact.

 

There are a lot of people on the flipside who think that things should be kept courteous, that you can't get in touch with Mary out of the blue because that looks like Im a stalker, you have to wait for Jasmine to introduce us in person, or for Jasmine to speak to Mary. But that feels wrong. When this happens, there's already pressure, already expectation. It's formal, structured. I don't want that. I just want to see what happens. Jasmine has said she should speak to Mary first. I don't see why, but thanks for adding pressure and expectation.

 

Then the other problem I struggle with, finding the words to make it casual, but also convey that Im not a flake, I am serious, this isn't a waste of time or anything. I guess the distance means that any interaction is serious, but at the same time you're still testing the water. I guess I was going off your words, "OK, too bad, I would have liked a date with her". But really, Im looking to meet her when Im in her area.

 

Makes sense.

 

The final point you make about not doing anything, how much should I do? Obviously stalking her is out, finding out where she lives etc through public records etc, no good. But if Jasmine isn't giving me any contact details and I want to at least try to make this happen, then a Facebook message, might be OK, but I got to be careful about fall out with Jasmine?

 

But I guess if Jasmine isn't saying Yes or No, well, it's up to me to make it happen. If I've asked for Marys number, or email address, and just been ignored and not been told No, then I can at least try last resort. Right?

 

Thanks for the reply though. It's exactly the thing Im looking for. Im not someone who is direct by nature. I do beat around the bush because I look to protect other peoples feeling at my expense.

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Oh, for god's sake! Don't you see how ridiculous this all is?

 

Has the entire female population been wiped off the face of the Earth and the only women who are left are these two clowns? Otherwise, why are you wasting the mental space and your time pursuing any of this?

 

Quite frankly Tailor2000, I have my doubts "Mary" even exists given the fact that when you have pushed to get in contact all of a sudden "Jasmine" pooh-poohs the idea. Or, IF "Mary" exists, maybe she's pissed off that her sister has been out pimping for her without her permission.

 

Tailor2000, There are LOADS of other women out there -- you ought to be concentrating on that and them, not playing cat and mouse with your so-called friend and her "sister."

 

You said yourself from the get-go that you didn't see how it could work, yet now you can't seem to leave it alone. Stop asking "Jasmine" about "Mary" and get something new and different to obsess about. You're being played for a fool.

 

Best,

TMichaels

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She does exist. I've seen the pictures. No I don't think Mary is pissed off.

 

Jasmine also isn't necessarily pooh poohing anything. But she isn't saying Yes and she isn't saying No. Im in a form of Limbo.

 

Yes, I appreciate what you're saying because I think the same thing too. Im definitely not trying to put all my eggs in one basket. But...

 

Im too shy, I lack confidence, Im not direct.

 

This is practice! And it's not at the same time. Mary is actually really attractive and if the hurdles could be got over, great.

 

Basically next year, I have to start taking risks, I have to start taking opportunities. Until someone says "No" about Mary, well, why not pursue it, no, not exclusively, but why not pursue it?

 

There's a 1 in a 100 chance it could work :-)

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Could be. But I've told her whatever it, just be blunt with me, be honest - tell me if she isn't interested or whatever.

 

Jasmine said she would tell me if Mary wasn't interested or was seeing anyone else and that she will need to speak to Mary first.

 

Im not getting anything back from Jasmine apart from Im getting the sense Jasmine thinks Mary is a flake, Jasmine told a mutual friend she was trying to set me up with Mary, and Jasmine has said not to pin all my hopes on Mary and that Mary lives too far away.

 

At no point has she ever turned around though and just flatly said it wouldn't work, you're not her type, or just... No.

 

It is bordering more on a, there is a possibility here. But there's a distinct lack of action and a lack of clarity from Jasmine.

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You did all the wrong things you could do, and now you're bothered things are not working out as you'd wish.

 

What, now. If you don't want to end up looking desperate, let it go. I'm not saying to rule it out, but keep it at the end of your list of to-do things. You definitely sound too eager. Keep it down. Forget it momentarily. Show your lack of interest. Start a B plan, where you begin dating women.

 

You said you'll start dating again in the new year. Give yourself 2 or 3 weeks to set up accounts on websites to get to know people, make a list of places where you can meet women (store, library, dance classes, whatever) and make the necessary steps to have as many chances as you can. But most of all, work on yourself, because I'm afraid you'll ruin your chances anyway, if you meet women with this attitude you have now. Your lack of confidence can ruin your chances.

 

Start reading about gaining confidence, go out with male friends who are alpha males. You need to try your best to get rid of (at least some) insecurities before you start dating.

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Thanks JustWhoIAm. This is good advice.

 

Could you tell me what I am doing wrong? I think I have a hard time reading women anyhow and was trying to find a line between being eager, showing interest, and being laid back.

 

I have been left in Limbo but I haven't been texting Jasmine every five minutes, and the last thing I did was to ask if I could email Mary. Maybe I should have been bolder and said give me her number/email address whatever.

 

What have I done wrong so far and what could I have done better?

 

Thanks

(nearly signed my real name then!)

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What you did wrong?

 

Well, in random order:

 

- you were relying on a third party to set up a date with a woman you were interested in

 

- you didn't take things in your hands

 

- you were afraid to ask for her phone number

 

- you asked for an e-mail address

 

- you wanted to contact her through her facebook personal account

 

- you kept asking this "Jasmine" about her sister (making it obvious you liked her and coming across as too eager)

 

- you didn't follow any of the advice given here

 

- you were starting getting obsessed with someone you never met

 

- with Jasmine being hesitant, you were becoming desperate, instead of careless

 

Stop wasting time trying to understand women: women come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, nuances, personalities, etc.

Never forget your role as a man, that is, in a nutshell: a smart gentleman who knows what he wants, respects women and is not afraid to go for what he wants without embarassing himself in the meantime. That might be your goal. It's OK if you're not that man. You are shy. But being shy in itself is not an excuse to renounce what you want. It can be a limit in the way you reach your goal, so maybe try to put in some creativity and be smart. If you're not smart, you're not bold, you're not willing to risk anything, you're not willing to put any effort in, you're not rich, you're not handsome, then your chances with women are really really low. I'm sure you must have qualities of your own: enhance them, focus on them. See what your forte is and use it.

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Basically next year, I have to start taking risks, I have to start taking opportunities.

 

Good idea, since it appears from what you've said in other threads you'll be hitting the Big 4-0 next year.

 

I hope Number One on your list is to move out of your parent's house. Most women don't find a 40-yr-old man who still lives with mom and dad and has fights with them about the tidiness of his room very attractive -- no matter how close or far away they may be.

 

Best,

TMichaels

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What you did wrong?

 

Well, in random order:

 

- you were relying on a third party to set up a date with a woman you were interested in

 

- you didn't take things in your hands

 

- you were afraid to ask for her phone number

 

- you asked for an e-mail address

 

- you wanted to contact her through her facebook personal account

 

- you kept asking this "Jasmine" about her sister (making it obvious you liked her and coming across as too eager)

 

- you didn't follow any of the advice given here

 

- you were starting getting obsessed with someone you never met

 

- with Jasmine being hesitant, you were becoming desperate, instead of careless

 

It actually never occurred to me initially to ask for her number.

 

This was is a bit difficult because actually, it does sort of rely on the third party to give the information, and after following the advice to say I'd like to meet her, the third party took it on herself to essentially say she would do the introduction.

 

Knowing what I know now, I should have been more decisive, I should have said "She sounds nice. I'd like to meet her. What's her number?". Then if she comes back with she's too far away, well that's when I start flapping and not knowing what to do.

 

I don't have all these ready made answers.

 

A weakness of mine is I can't think on my feet. I worry more about other peoples feelings than I do my own, when I really should just go for it.

 

There are definitely things I want to change going forward.

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It's been difficult trying to find the line between coming across as desperate and trying to hard, while also trying hard enough to indicate you're serious.

 

As I said in my previous post, it does rely on Jasmine to some degree because I don't know Mary, so there does need to be IMHO some kind of introduction from Jasmine to Mary about me and to expect my call.

 

It's been hard because Jasmine keeps throwing curve balls, keeping me in limbo, not giving me a yes or no, and simply stating she lives too far away. I've spent more time trying to figure out what Jasmine was saying an allay her fears, than i have been in just saying "I want Mary's number, it's got nothing to do with you, I'd like to see what she's like because she sounds interesting".

 

But Jasmine has now said I can get in touch with Mary by email.

 

What to say now? If anything at all!

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What about you ask her for her number and then talk to her?

 

You'll need to have that awkward moment soon or later. Get it out of the way. And try to make it less awkward maybe.

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Being direct. I like it.

 

But it goes against what I thought to be true originally which is, not to appear too eager too soon, as that makes any potential love interest run away.

 

I guess it's a case of reframing it. All Im looking for is to meet her, Im not saying Im going to marry her, be with her forever, be engaged, date her for 12 months, in love with her etc.... I just want to meet her.

 

Thanks

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