She says she doesnt love me as she used to :(

[demonic1]

Me and my gf are together for 3 and a half years. Since last year this time, i moved to another country for college and we are "separated" since then. I quoted separated because whenever i have chance (at least once per month) i visit her and we spend few days together (at least 4-5 days).

 

When i visit her she seems very happy and we are enjoying the time we spend together, but when i go back to college everything falls apart.

We had rough period for about few months now. We started fighting more often for bad reasons, so finally when i was at her place few days ago she told me that she doesn't love me as much as she used to, which was causing the problems and fights between us for a while. We decided to take a break, we are still in relationship we just dont communicate, so she can "clear her mind" as she said to me, but its very hard for me to keep up with the pressure i am broken with her saying that to me. We talked few times while we are in this "break" and it almost always ends with tears and fight.

 

I was treating her like queen, i did everything for her but this is breaking me apart. She says that things might get better when this "break" is over, since she had some friend doing similar thing with her boyfriend and they ended up more in love and happier than ever.

 

What do you think the end result will be?

- If you think it will work out eventually and we get back things in normal, please tell me how to manage to keep my **** together and not think about this period.

- If you think it wont work out, how am i suppose to get through it?

 

Thanks for your time. Please dont joke or troll, i really need advice.

[d0nnivain]

Breaks are stupid & immature. They do not heal relationships. They make things worse. While you are on this break, what are you going to do when she wants to get back together yet you find that she has been with somebody else?

 

Either work together to fix whatever the problem is or break up for good.

 

BTW, since you mentioned you are in college, the more likely scenario is this relationship has run its course for her but she doesn't have the words to tell you that.

[demonic1]

Breaks are stupid & immature. They do not heal relationships. They make things worse. While you are on this break, what are you going to do when she wants to get back together yet you find that she has been with somebody else?

 

Either work together to fix whatever the problem is or break up for good.

 

BTW, since you mentioned you are in college, the more likely scenario is this relationship has run its course for her but she doesn't have the words to tell you that.

 

We already talked about trying with other guys/girls, i asked her if she wants to do that she said no multiple times.

 

Thanks for the reply btw

[d0nnivain]

We already talked about trying with other guys/girls, i asked her if she wants to do that she said no multiple times.

 

They always say no. Then when the break is on & somebody cute wanders into the picture, that meaningless promise goes right out the window.

 

I hope this turns out the way you want but from where I sit, 20+ years after college, I see disaster waiting to happen. If you were my son, I'd tell you to simply end this & move on. Waiting around for a girl who is test-driving singledom to see if she can make it without you before she breaks up with you is only going to get your heart broken later. My way, you control your own destiny.

 

Please bear in mind this break is about her keeping you dangling while she determines if she has more fun without you. As soon as she realizes her life goes on even without you as a BF, she will break up with you.

[demonic1]

They always say no. Then when the break is on & somebody cute wanders into the picture, that meaningless promise goes right out the window.

 

I hope this turns out the way you want but from where I sit, 20+ years after college, I see disaster waiting to happen. If you were my son, I'd tell you to simply end this & move on. Waiting around for a girl who is test-driving singledom to see if she can make it without you before she breaks up with you is only going to get your heart broken later. My way, you control your own destiny.

 

Please bear in mind this break is about her keeping you dangling while she determines if she has more fun without you. As soon as she realizes her life goes on even without you as a BF, she will break up with you.

 

 

She is not testing singledom to see if she can make it without me. She said that she is having this "problem" that something is missing in our relationship for a while, she tried to find out what is it but couldnt do it as we always communicate, i visit her often. I'm not defending her, i know what u are saying but trust me its not the problem here. We had one period this year (March - April - May) we were both busy with college we havent seen each other for almost 2 months and we talked and communicate a lil bit, she is saying that everything went wrong from that point, and she is trying to "heal" ever since.

 

I can feel she is happy and in love when i visit her, but when we are apart everything is fu*ked up, or in her words says: "Its like i dont have a boyfrend, i miss you being physically present".

Edited December 13, 2014 by demonic1

[d0nnivain]

She doesn't want to do an LDR. It's too stressful & too much work. She doesn't want to do it anymore.

 

You are hellbent on going along with this silly break business. Fine. Do it. we learn a lot from our mistakes.

 

You could be right. She could be the rare girl who comes back. She probably isn't.

[demonic1]

She doesn't want to do an LDR. It's too stressful & too much work. She doesn't want to do it anymore.

 

You are hellbent on going along with this silly break business. Fine. Do it. we learn a lot from our mistakes.

 

You could be right. She could be the rare girl who comes back. She probably isn't.

 

I really love her, thus the reason i agreed on this ****. We both have hard colleges and they are stressful, but she is taking her college so hard which makes her to be emotionally unstable. She is in bad mood almost always (not just with me but with her family as well). We see each other every 2 weeks, which is not much gap time but the problem is she is working and studying and we dont have much time for us when im at her place (im chatting with her sister, she is acting the same with her as well, with her friends too).

 

She agreed that "time - off" is sh*t, but she said: "We were talking and seeing each other while i had this "problem" but i couldnt see what the problem is because i cant see what I'm missing so we can work on it out."

Edited December 13, 2014 by demonic1

[demonic1]

Lets say we (hopefully) continue our relationship. What would you suggest me to do when we continue?

Edited December 13, 2014 by demonic1

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm going to echo the other poster and say this break sounds senseless. You're in a relationship but don't communicate - what is the point? If I were you, I would not allow myself to be the back-up plan. I would tell her that no communication = no relationship. If she needs space to clear her mind and decide if she really wants to be with you, give her a huge amount of leeway. Call it off. I realize you love her and want this to work, but she's being quite selfish by expecting you to still play the "boyfriend" role while she can avoid communicating. That's a load of horse sh*te, OP.

[BlueIvy]

She is not testing singledom to see if she can make it without me. She said that she is having this "problem" that something is missing in our relationship for a while, she tried to find out what is it but couldnt do it as we always communicate, i visit her often. I'm not defending her, i know what u are saying but trust me its not the problem here. We had one period this year (March - April - May) we were both busy with college we havent seen each other for almost 2 months and we talked and communicate a lil bit, she is saying that everything went wrong from that point, and she is trying to "heal" ever since.

 

I can feel she is happy and in love when i visit her, but when we are apart everything is fu*ked up, or in her words says: "Its like i dont have a boyfrend, i miss you being physically present".

 

She doesn't want to do an LDR. It's too stressful & too much work. She doesn't want to do it anymore.

 

You are hellbent on going along with this silly break business. Fine. Do it. we learn a lot from our mistakes.

 

You could be right. She could be the rare girl who comes back. She probably isn't.

 

 

I had a co-worker who went on a break from he "Good boyfriend" so she can have sex with a fellow employee. She was 20 at the time and her bf was the first boyfriend. She said things haven't been good btw them and she asked him for a break, even though they lived together in his mom's house. Apparently, she said she wanted to date and see what's out there. And how she loves her man.

 

The guy she wanted to have sex with had a gf but apparently their relationship wasn't doing good.

She legit came into work dressed up, waxed to prepare to have sex but he dissed her. Anyway, she came back running to her man saying how things are better btw them and how he is so good to her.

 

But then months later she sent me a snap about how she had sex in a bmw. I asked her if it was her bf and she never answered.

 

 

I also had a friend who was in a LD relationship and he didn't know if he could do it anymore. He dragged it out for a few days and made a big commotion, then he finally admitted he doesn't love her anymore.

 

Months later, my friend found out he was dating someone else. And he tried to crawl back later saying how much he loves my fiend, but she of course rejected him.

 

My point in telling you this is if she saying this now, believe her. Let her go even though it hurts, because it will hurt a lot worse later on. She probably has a dude she's interested in and doesn't want to feel guilty.

 

It's not something you did wrong. Life goes on.

[justwhoiam]

What do you think the end result will be?

It'd be like playing roulette and asking me how likely it is that 19 will be the winning number.

 

If you think it will work out eventually and we get back things in normal, please tell me how to manage to keep my **** together and not think about this period.

You mean how to survive it now or how not to lose your temper afterwards?

 

I think that a break should come into the picture in some exceptional cases, but with a specific timeframe, like "We'll talk again in 10 days". Not some unlimited/open end, which seems to be your case. So when should it be allowed? If the couple reached a boiling point and needs to calm down a bit. Some time apart, in communication (because a LD couple is already separated by distance), can help put things in perspective.

 

So I agree with d0nnivain, the whole thing doesn't sound good. At least, not for you.

 

If you think it wont work out, how am i suppose to get through it?

Give her some space, especially when the time is very stressful, so that she doesn't have to worry about time devoted to you. Other than that, it's just wrong and you shouldn't accept it.

 

Anyway, she said she doesn't love you as much, which to me means "she doesn't love you anymore". If just she had told you "I still love you a lot but I'm not sure if I'm still in love with you", you would have had a better chance. It sounds more like a lost cause.

[demonic1]

It'd be like playing roulette and asking me how likely it is that 19 will be the winning number.

 

You mean how to survive it now or how not to lose your temper afterwards?

 

I think that a break should come into the picture in some exceptional cases, but with a specific timeframe, like "We'll talk again in 10 days". Not some unlimited/open end, which seems to be your case. So when should it be allowed? If the couple reached a boiling point and needs to calm down a bit. Some time apart, in communication (because a LD couple is already separated by distance), can help put things in perspective.

 

So I agree with d0nnivain, the whole thing doesn't sound good. At least, not for you.

 

Give her some space, especially when the time is very stressful, so that she doesn't have to worry about time devoted to you. Other than that, it's just wrong and you shouldn't accept it.

 

Anyway, she said she doesn't love you as much, which to me means "she doesn't love you anymore". If just she had told you "I still love you a lot but I'm not sure if I'm still in love with you", you would have had a better chance. It sounds more like a lost cause.

 

We talk but not as we used to talk before, we just ask each others how are things going. She said she doesnt love me like she used to, with the same "intensity" as before. She does love me, i can feel that she is happy when we are together but i really cannot explain whats happening. She said multiple times that she is missing something in our relationship and she cant figure out what is it. We will talk again when i go at her place in 2 weeks from now for New Year's eve about how we continue and what will happen in the future.

 

I would also like to say that i am a bit for overreacting guy, maybe the problem lies with that. By overreacting guy i mean the following:

- I always call her and text her. When she is out i freak out and ask her if she came home safe (not that i dont trust her its just i am worried). When we are home i always text her first, call her first (in her words said: "You are putting so much attention on me, the relationship is choking me out").

- Few months ago we had big fight, i was total jerk to her (like few times before) but since then i am changed i calmed down and dont do sh*t like that, but she says that things i did affected her and maid in a way to loose attraction on me. She said that she feels bad about the things i did on her in the past (fights without reasons, being to much jealous, fighting when she is going out with her friends and not with me ...).

 

Few times she said to me: "I dont want to call you when i am home just because i know you will be mad i didnt texted you that i am back, i want to call you because i want to hear your voice before i go to sleep. I feel i need to call you just so you dont get mad, i dont want that."

 

I suggested her to do the break because i knew she needed time to get pass the things that are on her mind at the moment. We technically never broke of, we are still in relationship we just dont communicate. She said she just needs time to think and clear her mind but doesnt want to break off. She said that this is maybe some crisis period in our relationship and doesnt want to break up and "destroy" everything we have worked on for the past 3 1/2 years.

 

And yes @justwhoiam i probably know there will be a second change for things to be back as they were. So i'm asking how to continue, what can i do to "win her love back".

 

@BlueIvy I may look stupid but trust me its nothing about other dudes, we talked many times before about that and i trust her that its not about other guy.

 

Guys i really appreciate your advice and time to reply.

Edited December 15, 2014 by demonic1

[demonic1]

And is much as this looks horrible we are trying to have sex for the first time for a year without success. We keep trying but we cant do it (we are both virgin). I was shy to not mention this before because its embarrassing for me. So much fails that we (both) are annoyed and hopeless to try and do it so we wont fail again

 

We do have oral sex and we cuddle and everything but when the time do it we fail. Its not even interesting anymore like it was in the begging, its all like "Lets just do it and finally get over it"

[Holmes85]

Me and my gf are together for 3 and a half years. Since last year this time, i moved to another country for college and we are "separated" since then. I quoted separated because whenever i have chance (at least once per month) i visit her and we spend few days together (at least 4-5 days).

 

When i visit her she seems very happy and we are enjoying the time we spend together, but when i go back to college everything falls apart.

We had rough period for about few months now. We started fighting more often for bad reasons, so finally when i was at her place few days ago she told me that she doesn't love me as much as she used to, which was causing the problems and fights between us for a while. We decided to take a break, we are still in relationship we just dont communicate, so she can "clear her mind" as she said to me, but its very hard for me to keep up with the pressure i am broken with her saying that to me. We talked few times while we are in this "break" and it almost always ends with tears and fight.

 

I was treating her like queen, i did everything for her but this is breaking me apart. She says that things might get better when this "break" is over, since she had some friend doing similar thing with her boyfriend and they ended up more in love and happier than ever.

 

What do you think the end result will be?

- If you think it will work out eventually and we get back things in normal, please tell me how to manage to keep my **** together and not think about this period.

- If you think it wont work out, how am i suppose to get through it?

 

Thanks for your time. Please dont joke or troll, i really need advice.

 

Hello Demonic1

 

Let me tell you something, when someone says they want a "break", they are already searching for "reasons" to break-up with you. It's like this "If I don't find someone better, I can fall back on you" - hence the "break" to explore other options.

 

Distance only matters to the mind, not the heart. Your girlfriend sounds really immature to me. I don't know her age, but the way she's acting, she sounds like a "teenager" to me or in her early 20's.

 

You are not really going to like the advice I am about to give, but you would definitely see results with it, if you follow it through.

 

1. Distance yourself from this girl, take her off the pedestal. You treated her like a queen? She's treating you like trash. It's time you put an end to this.

 

2. While you distance yourself from her, take some time to work on yourself. You must have other hobbies besides being with this girl, do the things you didn't get the time to do before that you can do now during this "break". (She definitely isn't stopping doing her activities for you, why should you for her?)

 

3. When you begin working on yourself, you will start to feel more confident and would be able to see things more clearly than you are now.

 

If you follow just these 3 steps, you would be on a different level on what you are right now and let me tell you this, it's going to take time to make it happen (I am talking about months here). The end result would be that you would be more confident and which girl doesn't like a confident guy?

During this time, if she's still acting the same as before, I say you be a MAN and END IT.

[demonic1]

Hello Demonic1

 

Let me tell you something, when someone says they want a "break", they are already searching for "reasons" to break-up with you. It's like this "If I don't find someone better, I can fall back on you" - hence the "break" to explore other options.

 

Distance only matters to the mind, not the heart. Your girlfriend sounds really immature to me. I don't know her age, but the way she's acting, she sounds like a "teenager" to me or in her early 20's.

 

You are not really going to like the advice I am about to give, but you would definitely see results with it, if you follow it through.

 

1. Distance yourself from this girl, take her off the pedestal. You treated her like a queen? She's treating you like trash. It's time you put an end to this.

 

2. While you distance yourself from her, take some time to work on yourself. You must have other hobbies besides being with this girl, do the things you didn't get the time to do before that you can do now during this "break". (She definitely isn't stopping doing her activities for you, why should you for her?)

 

3. When you begin working on yourself, you will start to feel more confident and would be able to see things more clearly than you are now.

 

If you follow just these 3 steps, you would be on a different level on what you are right now and let me tell you this, it's going to take time to make it happen (I am talking about months here). The end result would be that you would be more confident and which girl doesn't like a confident guy?

During this time, if she's still acting the same as before, I say you be a MAN and END IT.

 

I love the advice and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I have shown her that I am desperate and that was really bad from my side. And yes we are both in our early 20s.

 

We have spoken yesterday. She is in a total mess, she said that all her emotions are mixed up, she doesnt have inner peace thus the reason she wants to distance from me (not break up, we will not talk for a while) for some time because every time we talk we end up talking about our current situation and end up crying and being more desperate (which doesnt help at all).

 

At the end of our conversation i said that everything will be fine, its just some relationship crisis that when we get trough things will get better and our relationship will be stronger. She agreed and we ended up sending harts and some "in love" words.

 

I would like to ask you guys about an advice. In about 2 weeks i will be at her place and i dont know if i should call her so we can see each other or wait her to call me?

 

I will surely not wait forever for her to get her sh*t together, when i think that its enough i will ask her to meet and talk about our relationship's future and either end it or continue it.

Edited December 16, 2014 by demonic1

[Holmes85]

I love the advice and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I have shown her that I am desperate and that was really bad from my side. And yes we are both in our early 20s.

 

We have spoken yesterday. She is in a total mess, she said that all her emotions are mixed up, she doesnt have inner peace thus the reason she wants to distance from me (not break up, we will not talk for a while) for some time because every time we talk we end up talking about our current situation and end up crying and being more desperate (which doesnt help at all).

 

At the end of our conversation i said that everything will be fine, its just some relationship crisis that when we get trough things will get better and our relationship will be stronger. She agreed and we ended up sending harts and some "in love" words.

 

I would like to ask you guys about an advice. In about 2 weeks i will be at her place and i dont know if i should call her so we can see each other or wait her to call me?

 

I will surely not wait forever for her to get her sh*t together, when i think that its enough i will ask her to meet and talk about our relationship's future and either end it or continue it.

 

Demonic1,

 

I really want you to listen to me, because you are going to end up being hurt really bad. Let me give you a couple of pointers to make you think more clearer.

 

1. "She" is in a total mess, not "You". "Her" emotions are mixed up, not "Yours". For the time being she's sending the heart signs and all that. But the "break" is on full-swing on her mind. Don't read too much into what she's saying, but pay attention on what she's doing. From her actions, despite of what she says, she still wants a "break".

 

2. Meeting her within 2 weeks is a BAD idea, you might ask why? Seriously think for a moment, what is going to change within 2 weeks? Let me tell you NOTHING, she would still want a "break".

 

I suggest you cancel meeting up with her, she wants a "break", you give her plenty of break and time. You don't want to ride this emotional-rollcoaster, let her ride it alone, let her sort out whatever she wants to sort out.

 

She would remember you a lot better if you give her plenty of time & space instead of you talking to her everyday. She might also start to wonder "what happened? He was so into me yesterday, I wonder what changed his mind to cancel the plan on meeting me?". She needs to get herself together, not you. I would strongly advice you to leave this girl alone for a while and watch her actions and not her words.

[demonic1]

@Holmes85 Thank you for the reply. We didn't made plans, she just knows the date i am going there.

 

Well how much time should i give her and how to know when is enough? I really don't want to wait forever, i know that patience is the key but its very hard for me to cope with this situation.

 

The biggest problem is that we just "skipped" problems when they "popped up". We didnt solved them on time, we acted like nothing happened and now everything is catching us up.

 

Do you think that things may get better at the end? I really hope this is just some period and SHE will get through it.

Edited December 16, 2014 by demonic1

[Holmes85]

I don't think it's a good idea to keep yourself on hold for someone who wants to have a "break" with you.

 

I suggest you keep going on with your life, show her that you have a life without her.

 

I am pretty confident that whatever problems you guys have had can still be talked about, "if" she wanted to as well.

 

Like I said perviously, you are not the problem, she wants a "break". You are just going through everything in your head and finding reasons to blame yourself, you don't need to ride this emotional roller-coaster with her. Let her ride this alone.

 

You can't control what she thinks or what she does, but you have control on your thoughts and actions.

[demonic1]

Thank you very much guys. Lets hope everything will be okay.

 

Can any moderator close the thread? Thanks