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No sex after 8 months of not seeing each other!?


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Hi, this is my first post. I'm a 32 yo female and my bf is 36.

 

We've had this long distance relationship (20+hour flight) for over a year, during which time we saw each other 4 times including the last one in Nov.

 

We talk/chat every single day and i think we have a good relationship despite the distance.

 

Anyway we saw each other after 8 months but we only had sex 3 times in 2 weeks. I initiated all as well. It really shatteted my confidence as a woman. Wouldnt he want me like everyday if not several times a day after 8 months, if he really is attracted to me??

 

What confuses me is that he shows his affection outside bedroom I.e. strokes my back, head etc in public, holds my hands, says sweet things, kisses me etc.

 

He had had a few major stressful events prior to this trip that could have affected his libido but in our previous meetings he wasn't really into sex either. In fact he casually mentioned in the second last meeting that he's not really big on sex. But still!

 

Is this normal?? I thought all men are into sex? Could he be gay?? (In fact when I first met him I thought he was gay - my girlfriend too)

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Hi, thanks for your comment. We didn't meet online though if that's what you thought.

 

If he fantasised me/our romance and realised the reality is not the same why wouldnt he end the relationship though?

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Have you tried asking him or talk to him about it. It could be because of the stressful events that have completely killed his libido, because most men with an appetite for their woman, would likely keep you in the bedroom until you both risked dieing from starvation to quote Hal, from Malcolm in the middle.

 

There's no way to really tell, hence why communication is vital for any healthy relationship, long distance or not, and since you communicate every day, I'm sure you could find out, unless he becomes evasive.

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Maybe you should believe him when he says he's not big on sex, it must be his way to tell you he's not into sex much, for whatever reason.

 

At times, this changes a lot depending on the person you're with, at times it's just personal preference. At times, it's just bad timing in one's personal life, or one's own attitude towards sex. And at times, it's just too much of a hassle (for some men, especially if they're unfit or have physical problems, like knee pain, back pain, etc)

 

At 36, I'm sure you'd expect more and better. And it's totally understandable. Don't settle for a man with such different libido compared to yours. It's bound to make you very unhappy and unloved.

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Thank you all for your comments. I still haven't spoken to him. It is a delicate issue in a way that, if its because of his mental/physical issue talking about it might make it worse, yet I can't just bottle up either. I have been thinking what's the best way to go about it and there is no risk free option. The more I think about it the more I get depressed and fearful so I think I will talk to him today one way or another. I need to be calm and not emotional or threatening about it... If you have any tips on talking to men about such issue please share. Thanks.

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It's naturally a bit of a problem if you can't talk to him about it and he becomes evasive. Sometimes you just really need to do it anyway, but in the most kind and delicate manner, so he doesn't feel a great pressure which likely could make him greatly upset. It depends a bit on how he handles anger too, we are all quite different. A good bit of people can become very sensitive rapidly whenever they have to talk about things they are not comfortable with.

 

I'm not a fan of anyone having to "bottle up" their feelings, as the end result is typically always the same, or should I say in most cases it is of negative impact on both. Some people are perfectly capable of just dodging problems and putting them away in a drawer. The problem with that is the next time you need to open the drawer, voila, the problem is still there because no one was willing to work on a solution to remove it.

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Thank you all for your comments. I still haven't spoken to him. It is a delicate issue in a way that, if its because of his mental/physical issue talking about it might make it worse, yet I can't just bottle up either. I have been thinking what's the best way to go about it and there is no risk free option. The more I think about it the more I get depressed and fearful so I think I will talk to him today one way or another. I need to be calm and not emotional or threatening about it... If you have any tips on talking to men about such issue please share. Thanks.

 

You either have mismatched libidos or he's overstressed - yes, stress can do that.

 

Either way, good luck talking to him. Let him know you're concerned about him and then tell him why. You need to know the answer whatever it is.

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Wouldnt he want me like everyday if not several times a day after 8 months, if he really is attracted to me??

 

Not necessarily. He may not have a super high sex drive.

 

What confuses me is that he shows his affection outside bedroom I.e. strokes my back, head etc in public, holds my hands, says sweet things, kisses me etc.

 

Sounds promising.

 

In fact he casually mentioned in the second last meeting that he's not really big on sex.

 

Ding, ding, ding! He TOLD you that he isn't big on sex.

 

So you need to talk to him more about it. Ask him how often he would choose to have sex in his perfect world. Ask him what his favorite thing is about sex, and his least favorite. Ask him how much he'd be willing to compromise if you wanted it every day. Ask him if he has any turn-ons or fetishes.

 

Basically, you need to find out more, so you can decide whether this relationship is something you want to pursue.

 

Lastly - who HE is has nothing to do with your worth as a woman. Just because he doesn't constantly jump your bones doesn't mean you aren't sexy. It's HIM, not you.

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I have been thinking what's the best way to go about it

 

"You know the other day when you mentioned you aren't big on sex? What exactly does that mean?"

 

...then go from there.

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normally I think of a LDR as one that starts locally, gets strong, then for some reason (school, work, military) one partner moves away.

 

This does not seem like your relationship. It seems like you talk a lot online, but really have not been that intimate in real life.

 

 

Do you sext him online? Have you sent each other risqué pictures? Are there any indications from this limited relationship that he really IS into you sexually? Do you know, for instance, if he is actually heterosexual and not gay?

 

 

It is good that you have seen him physically. But it does not sound like this is a good long-term relationship for the two of you. Mismatched expectations/libidos...not sure it will ever match up.

 

 

If I were you, I would continue chatting with him online, but pursue other local real mates.

 

 

Your particular relationship seems completely backward. Normally people meet online, chat a lot, sext, then finally they get to meet, and act like you see on the discovery channel all week long.

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I would say that most guys, after several months apart, would want at least 4 times a day :love: - depending on age an so on, and then perhaps after a period would settle into the 2 to 3 times a week scenario.

 

 

But then we have to look at other factors, remembering I said "most guys" which does not include LSD (Lower Sex Drive) guys, and other unknown issues. Speaking for myself, I'm sticking with what I first said - 4 times a day - and ruling out the other issues we have seen her such as the fantasy illusion and so on.

 

 

Again from my own perspective, a couple should be fairly close in terms of frequency - not identical but have similar desires. If they are too far apart on either side of the scale, yes, as someone said here, maybe its time to look at a real partners that you can explore these avenues with...

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