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About to begin LDR, maybe....


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I am new to this forum and was just seeking some advice. Here's the short story: my GF and I have been dating for 4 years, living together the past two. We were both previously married, each with two kids. Her kids live with us full time and my kids live with their mom on the other side of the country 2000 miles away. They moved there about 5 years ago. I have them during summer, winter and spring breaks plus i fly out there once or twice a year. Obviously i miss them dearly and now i have an opportunity to move there. My GF was raised here, her parents live here and has a lot of friends here. I told her that i want to move to be in the same city as my kids (they are 12 and 10, hers are 15 and 11).

She obviously was upset saying she didn't want to leave, that i would be taking her away from everything that she knew and her family. She said she wanted to stay until her oldest finished HS, which was 3 1/2 years away. By then my oldest would already be in high school and i felt that was too long to wait. I then suggested trying a LDR until she was able to move out there. I knew this was asking A LOT from her and that it would be tough. I told her i was thunking of moving the next summer ( which was thus past summer). She initially said yes, but then changed her mind and said 3 years was too long. So then i suggested the end of next spring and it would only be 2 years. She said that was better, or so i thought.

This was over a year ago that we had this discussion and ever since then she has made it very clear that she doesn't know if she can do it, she doesnt have the personality for it, she is just very angry and bitter about it. This past weekend i flew out to see my kids for my oldest's birthday and she pretty much lost it.

I told her i was going to check out the area for places to live and scope out jobs. When she called and i told her what we were doing, she got very upset. She then broke down and told me she wasn't going to do the two year LDR and that she just couldn't emotionally do it. She said that if I move it will be without her and that will be the end of us. However she said if I waited ANOTHER year, she thinks she could do the one year LDR and then move there. Keep in mind that I've already told my kids the last time i was going to wait another year from when i initially told them. I just don't know what to do. I love my GF, but i dont think i can wait ANOTHER year to move. Any suggestions?

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I'm not sure that waiting another year will help. She's probably going to say exactly the same thing in twelve months - why wouldn't she? She doesn't want you to go, she doesn't want to go with you, so she's basically doing what she can to stop you going.

 

Who's to say she'll ever agree to move?

 

Tough decision for you but if you want to be near your kids it's probably now or never!

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  • 2 weeks later...
Any suggestions?
She is a mother and with her children ALL THE TIME. I guess you need to touch her heartstrings, but gently. Ask her: how would you feel if you had to leave your children aged X and Y and see them every few months? Wouldn't you want to be there for them when they most need it? My children need me and they are looking forward to me spending more time with them. It's a delicate time of their life. That kind of stuff. Very gently.

 

She should understand. If she doesn't, then she's very selfish. It should never be: me or them. Especially from a mother!

 

DO NOT postpone another year. You will lose face with your children. Don't let it happen. A promise is a promise and it might mean the world to them.

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  • 1 month later...
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I have tried to approach her in those ways. Telling her as a mom and parent to imagine how hard it would be for her AND her kids to only see each other every now and then. I told her that I thought I could do it with my kids being so far away, but as they have gotten older it has only gotten harder. I told her i would like to have a better relationship with children. I've also told her it's not about choosing my kids over her, i just want to do what is best for them. Her response to all this? "Your kids are older now and as they get older they want to deal with you less and less and hang out more with their friends." "How can ypu do this to me?" "Your kids moved when they were young and this is all they know" . She just told me the other day that if I move in March, she will not move with me and that will be the end of us. So basically i have two options: 1) Stay and tell my kids AGAIN that I am postponing the move for at most another year. 2) Move in March and end it. Option 1 is very hard for me because I don't think I can let my kids down AGAIN plus my GF is saying choose me or lose me and it makes me think if I should even be with her because honestly, who would say such a thing? That leaves option 2....

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You already know my answer. If it's 'me or them', let her go. She's not the one for you. She's more like a primadonna. Flexibility is what you need. She can't offer it. I guess I would try a last move, maybe, but it involves some risk for you. But food for thought for her, if she has a brain and a heart. You can say: OK, I'll do what you say, but I can't do it without a strong commitment from you. We can go to a lawyer and sign a deal. I can't risk losing face with my children for a relationship lasting a few months.

 

By the way, her children are older, why can't she move if she says that at 12 and 10 they can be left alone? Her children are 15 and 11.

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