Was it rushed? :\ what do I do now?

[misterdude]

Hey guys,

 

Wow, I never thought I'd be seeking advice in regards to this kind of thing... So just a quick rundown:

 

I met this girl through a social media app about a year ago, and we began teasing/flirting for a long time... that led to phone calls, phone calls to face-time. Things started to really pick up and we began to have a thing for each other, talking daily. We developed feelings and talked for about 3 months that way, until one day I decided to fly out and meet her. She lives about a 2 hour flight away from me.

 

When I got there, we clicked immediately. It was great. I met her family on the first day. I was very against it and as it seemed too rushed for me... It was a big deal for her because she comes from a culturally religious background which looks down on talking to guys. But she felt serious about me and wanted her family to know about me...

 

The whole time I was there, she kept asking me what we were, and I could sense a notion that she wanted me to ask her to be my girlfriend and make things official... So I decided to ask her out the day that I was departing.

 

This was one month ago... things have been perfect since. We face-time all day yesterday, and things were great... fast forward 24 hours. She texts me and tells me that she can't take not seeing me in person. She feels as though our relationship won't grow if we're not around each other... She also feels as though things were rushed, and I can see that. She's very honest, and told me up front there's nobody else... she wants to continue talking the way we were before entering a relationship... The last text she sent me, she said she wanted us to work out and sometimes feels like moving out here just to be with me...

 

So guys, what do I do from here on out? I really want it to work with her... but how do I go about this? What do I say to her?

 

 

Thank you all a ton.

[Frank2thepoint]

According to her demands and strict religious background, the only way you'll make it work with her is if you move to her city...nay...move into her home. That's the only way you'll make it work for her. You have not mentioned how it would work for you. I'm going to assume you didn't even voice your personal thoughts and desires to her. A LDR requires both members to commit to the endeavor. Yes eventually one, or both, of you will have to move. But you two are only a two hour flight away. That's not a large distance, and can be managed with planning and understanding.

 

She texts me and tells me that she can't take not seeing me in person. She feels as though our relationship won't grow if we're not around each other...

 

This is not a good sign. She is being unreasonable concerning a LDR. You two can grow a lot together under such a circumstance. Physical distance is only in the mind. And she is allowing it to dictate the outcome of the relationship. You really should have a serious discussion with her on what she thinks of the distance, and how to overcome it for now without having to move suddenly.

 

But let's entertain the idea if she does move to be with you. Where will she live? With you? Will she get a job to be able to support herself? How does her religion and family fit into such an endeavor? Would you be ready to commit to such a sudden relationship?

[d0nnivain]

You do need to keep talking. Does she have any reason besides you that she wants to move where you live? If not, she needs to stay put. Frank2thePoint asks a lot of good Qs at the end of his reply. You need to talk to her about all of those things.

 

Based on the religious thing, it seems she's looking for a quick engagement & a quicker marriage. Be careful if you aren't ready for those things.

[Underthebodhitree]

Whoa. That would be overwhelming for me (and I'm a chick). How long was your visit with her? Have you asked her why she's in such a rush?

 

Granted, my perception may be a little screwed. My ex husband proposed after we had been dating for 2 months (and known each other for the same amount of time). We were married less than a year after we met. At the time, we were with each other as close to 24/7 as working adults can get. Without giving the whole sob story, I so wish I would have slowed down with our relationship. I can't imagine fast-tracking a LDR. I think you need to experience "normal" relationship life and not just face-time life, y'know? It's the normal, day-to-day stuff that will really show your compatibility as a couple.

 

What do you want? Are you prepared to get as serious as she wants? These are big, big decisions.

[therealmsfree]

The worst thing you can do is try to figure out the future. When you think too far into the future you don't allow yourself to enjoy the present. I say...take it one day at a time. Don't worry about what will happen a year from now, or even a month from now. Let things happen organically the same way you did in the beginning. Be upfront and keep the lines of communication open at all times.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Ms. Free

[justwhoiam]

she can't take not seeing me in person

First of all, how old is she? I think it's pretty normal to feel the way she's feeling. It can be overwhelming. I so want to be with him, and I can't. So rule #1: she's not alone in that. Most people in a LDR feel that way, once in a while. There are days that you think it's unacceptable, and others when you feel great, especially when you're about to meet again. You're at the beginning of a journey and need to get comfortable in your seat. Try to make it as comfortable as possible, add a tv screen, a drink, etc. (metaphorically speaking) At times, people keep finding it unacceptable. Other times, it was just a stage to go through, and at times it comes back...

 

She feels as though our relationship won't grow if we're not around each other

You need to share needs and expectations. How many times can we meet? How often? When? And then you work the inbetweens. When she starts thinking negatively, you can reassure her. Be calm. If you don't fully believe in it, she has a right not to believe in it either.

 

Are you two from the same country? Do you share the same background?

 

she wants to continue talking the way we were before entering a relationship

And here I sense there was some big change she's not able to handle right now. So, what happened? Is it that you got more demanding? Did you start talking for long hours? Or?

That can be adjusted.

 

The last text she sent me, she said she wanted us to work out and sometimes feels like moving out here just to be with me...

This is a clear sign of how torn she is. She says something negative, you buy it, then maybe she regrets it, because she's not even fully convinced of what she's saying, and worried that she's losing you because of that. So, in the end, it looks like she needs some peace of mind.

 

what do I do from here on out?

Let her notice, kindly, without being confrontational, that she contradicts herself often. And that you sense it's because she is scared. Tell her you know she needs serenity and peace of mind. Tell her you need to talk about each other needs and expectations. And you can start from there. Let her know you are ready to wait and do whatever it takes to make things work. And that you both shouldn't rush things. So far, you're at a getting to know each other stage, where you committed to not date others in the process, because you have feelings for each other. Maybe she's acting up her own way, because you didn't ask her to be your girlfriend. At least, I didn't get that reading your post, just that you "asked her out". So try to understand what she needs first, and then you see if you can continue and how.

 

Thank you all a ton.

You're welcome. I hope this helps.