I'm in a LDR and I'm in trouble!

[Ann33]

So about a month ago I officially began a LDR with a guy (Who we'll just call "R") that I met online. We would skype and talk on a daily basis. So I know he's actually a real human being and he's exactly who he says he is. Being that we met online I've never actually met him in person but we've definitely talked about meeting. And I think he really wants to do it within the next couple months. And this happens to be my first ever relationship ever!

 

We started out as just friends and he happened to be going through a really bad break up at the time. I helped him through most of it and because of that it really deepened our connection and he trust's me. Because of that we could talk for hours and neither of us would ever want to hang up. In fact we'd even sleep together while we were still on the phone. We both found that we surprisingly had a lot in common. I've never met anyone who I had that much in common with. Which only made me like him more. He wants the "forever" kind of corny love, which made me confident that he'd never leave me or be the one to end things. So long story short we went from point A to point Z like that. Within a few weeks (close to a month) we had admitted to liking each other and not wanting to be with anyone else and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and I was really happy. And then things started slipping...

He started a new job, and I completely understand that he's working more but within the last two weeks or so, I feel like our whole mood on the subject of "us" as started to diminish. We went from talking everyday for hours a day to maybe every couple days with one or two text's in the middle. He rarely calls me anymore and now it just seems like he never wants to carry on a conversation with me. I'll try to start one and I only get a sarcastic response, a shhh, or an "okay" in return. And whenever we do have a real conversation it's about him or something he wants to talk about. I've started to notice that now whenever I talk to him about something I bring up he doesn't really listen or doesn't even seem to care and just goes right back to himself or doesn't even respond and we sit in silence most of the time.

 

I really like him, honestly I do. No one's perfect but I just couldn't help but being upset by this and it really made me start questioning whether I really want to keep investing into this relationship with R. Plus to the fact the few things we don't have the same viewpoint on happen to be some major things in relationship that typically make or break one (things regarding sex, marriage, alcohol, kids, stuff like that). I was willing to accept and deal with those differences because I want to be with him. But I can tell that it bothers him and whenever I try to bring it up he refuses to talk about it or even try to change his viewpoint on it. Basically I think that he wants me to change those things about me to fit his ideals better. That really bugs me, I don't want to change myself even if it is for someone I care so much about. But I honestly don't know at this point whether I can put up with just about everything I'm doing or believing in bothering him. I'm caught, torn between still wanting the connection we first had and trying to find it again or just giving up.

 

And then the other day I was at a friend's baby shower and I met a really amazing guy (who we'll call "D"). We instantly started talking and it wasn't even awkward! We ended up spending most of the night talking and being next to each other. I am awful at reading men! When or if they flirt it just goes right over my head and I end up misreading everything but I'm pretty sure he was. I noticed that he would look at me and smile or when I'd look at him he would smile. Or whenever we'd be separated he'd come find me and stand by me and vice versa. He'd touch my arm or brush my hand and always invited me to go walk around with him or he'd get close to me to talk or sit even when he didn't have to. Later that night I went to my friends house and he was there. It was me, D, my friend, and her bf. And I noticed that during the movie when he'd reposition or sit down from being up he would get a smidge closer to me each time. And then when I went to leave he hugged me goodbye. To me that's definitely something but I'm not quite sure if I was just reading into it all wayyy too much haha!

 

The thing is though is that he lives downstate from me. Only a couple hours though but I never got his number or anything so I have no means of contacting him until he comes back to visit again. But I think I could really end up liking him but I'm just feeling so guilty because of R.

I have absolutely no idea what to even do at this point. I don't even know if I have a shot in the dark with D and it's not really helping matters. Before I met D my mind was thinking: 1. Stay with R and commit to him or 2. Leave him and see what happens. Now it's in all different directions; Stay with R and commit. Leave R for someone else. Meet R in person first to see if what I'm feeling is nonsense or not. Or end up being along all together.

 

I talked to my friend and she's completely stumped and couldn't really help me out with which way I should potentially turn to. She told me to follow my heart but my heart is saying I care about R a lot and I don't want to lose him whatsoever but with him as soon as I say I don't want this he'll lose all trust in me but try to fight it and will end up making my choice even harder then it already was and then he'll just stop all contact with me completely. While at the same time my heart is also saying that if I had an actual shot with D I would leave R and be more okay with it. I want to be with R but I also don't want to continuing being with him when I have feelings for someone else.

 

I'm so lost at this point. I feel that if I new more so my chances with D i'd have a better idea of what to do but I have no means of getting into contact with him until he comes back or to go through a mutual friend (which might come off a little creepy, at least to me on some level it would I suppose. ESPECIALLY if I was misreading everything or if he has a gf back home [He never said if he had a gf or not so i don't really know the answer to that]). But if I wait for D to come back up would it be wrong of me to stay with R until I find out if I have a chance with D? I have feelings for both guys but I don't want to lose R. I don't want to lead him on either. I have no idea when D would come back up nor do I even know if I stand a chance with him and I don't want R to spend a bunch of money to come see me and try to make this work when I have a crush on someone else and I'm not fully devoted to him and continue leading him on for who knows how long. At the same time I want R and I to meet to see if I feel a connection when were in person and see if that helps with anything.

 

I know someone's going to get hurt in all this and I know that it will probably just be me in the end but all I care about is that both R and D come out okay. As long as their okay I'll get through it. But i'm just trying to find the best decision on what to do right now. Do I wait to find out if I have a shot with D and keep R with me or end things right now with R and find out if I have a shot with D? Or should I just completely try to forget about D and stay with R but try to fix how he's been treating me?

[justwhoiam]

You didn't say how old you are. But anyway, you'll see many D's entering your life. So I'd say, first end things with R. When you see hot & cold behavior within the first month is not a good sign. If interest fizzles out after a year, maybe I might understand, but not after 1 month. Also, a potential relationship wit him will mean trouble for you in order to even get along with him, because of the too many differences on major things. So stop it now.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think OL only relationships are "real". I'd date the man you can actually see & spend time with.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'd say to let R go in any case. He doesn't sound overly interested anymore, and you mentioned you have a few fundamentally different viewpoints. Those things you're willing to overlook now will likely cause serious problems later down the road, because you're so different and neither of you want to compromise your values/beliefs. it's very difficult to sustain a relationship like that in person, let alone online when you've never spent any time together in real life.

[Els]

I think you should leave R regardless of what does or doesn't happen with D. Not so much because you met online, but because R clearly isn't interested in putting in effort anymore. And effort and communication is really all you have in a LDR... so now there really isn't much of a relationship at all.