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Any !--how to stop obsessing over long distance Fiancee


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New to the forum and hope I can get some help with my problem. I was going to reply on a different post that had a very similar issue, but it is no longer accepting replies, so i will start my own.

 

I am in a long distance relationship with my Fiancee, who is 5 hours away going to school for nursing. (now 5 hours away isn't that bad but keep reading). I have been diagnosed with Hypersensitivity, Sever anxiety and panic attacks. I have had it under control, until she moved down there. The Hypersensitivity is what is killing me. I cant stop obsession over her. She has given me no reason to mistrust her or be annoyed with her or anything, I just cant turn it off. It causes me extreme stress and anxiety and the occasional panic attack. When we see each other, everything is great and normal and grand. We try to see each other every weekend, and when we do, the week isn't so bad. Stressful but not bad. When we have to go longer than that, it starts to put a real load of stress on me. it causes chest pain, anxiety, depression and I lose the ability to just function normally. We try to Skype every night but that sometimes cant happen because she has to do night time clinicals a lot. When her semesters get really stressful, her stress passes over to me and just makes my stress worse.

 

If I know she is at clinicals or sleeping or somewhere I know she cant speak to me, I can handle it OK, and when she says I am going to a friends house for a couple hours or studying with a friend for a couple hours I am OK with that, but lately she has told me a couple hours and hasn't been getting back to me until much much later. I start freaking out and go into panic mode. I get angry and start to worry like crazy. She apologizes and says she understands, but then gives me a guilt trip saying she hates when I get like that and that she feels suffocated. I really dont want to do that to her, but all i ask for is a text message from her saying she will be a while longer. That would alleviate my stress for a while. She says she can handle my sensitivity but I really dont think she can. There are many times she has gotten frustrated with me because of my sensitivity issues, but that's a different story.

 

We both love each other insanely and we are so happy to be getting married to each other, but I am having an EXTREMELY difficult time with this. She will be back in April of 2015.

 

So before you start sending suggestions my way, let me say what I have already been told many times that don't seem to help.

 

 

 

"Get over it, you will be fine."

That one is frustrating because it just isnt that easy. I really wish it was.

 

"Keep busy, it will keep your mind off of it."

I have a very multitasking mind and even when I try to do projects or do chores etc... I am still stressing about it and waiting until the next time I get to see her or talk to her.

 

"At least you get to see her often and talk to her"

I understand that I am lucky in that regard but people dont seem to understand how difficult this is for someone with the emotional issues I have. Yes, it is worse when I don't get to see her longer than every weekend, but it is still torture (seriously feels like torture) in between seeing/talking to her.

 

"You will be fine, just be patient"

I have come dangerously close to doing something I shouldnt, if you catch my drift. With my anxiety and hypersensitivity, it's much harder to control and be patient.

 

"Date other people"

I don't want to. I am madly in love with her and want to be with nobody but her.

 

"Use deep breathing and stress reducing techniques."

I have tried as much as I can for this. Deep breathing, praying to God, etc... It has gotten bad enough that I have asked God to just take me away, that I cant deal with it. I usually feel better after I talk to her, but it gets that bad. I lose all hope and have no motivation to do anything.

 

I have been seeing a therapist for a long time, trying to get down to the root of it and it seems to have come to a standstill with this situation. I am on medication to help with the anxiety and panic attacks, but even they dont help much (I dont know why) and the problem is every weekend when I have to leave her, it starts over again.

 

I apologize for the extremely long post, but I am trying to see if anyone else can come up with any thing else that would help.

 

Thank you in advance for anything you can offer.

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I think you need more commitment from her. If I told him I'm back in two hours just to show up 5 hours later, I guess after 3 hours he'd text me to check if everything's OK.

Anyway, when something came up, and I had promised to be back to him and I couldn't, I was feeling responsible about it. It must be an exception, not a pattern.

 

So I guess that this is adding up and making it worse for you. The problem is, it looks like she can't be bothered with letting you know if something came up.

I think you shouldn't base your requests on the fact that you have issues, stressing your clinical anxiety whatever. I would rather focus on how this is just at the core of any relationship. Respecting someone who's waiting for you and worrying for you. If you two were living together, and she had to come home at 6 pm, and instead she comes home at 9 pm without even warning you, that wouldn't be OK in my book. So why should she treat you differently? Just because you're far away? So that means that she can't go past the distance and is treating the relationship under a different light. And as you can sense it, in turn, you're not 100% comfortable with that.

 

So, OK, no one's perfect, but you can talk to each other very quietly and get past this kind of friction.

 

After you get out of that pattern, probably things will get better for you, and you'll be more relaxed. I know for a fact that when tension is up too often, it's hard to get out of it, no matter how much you want to.

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Since you have already knocked out every good idea I have, my only suggestion is to work more closely with your trained therapist to address the issues.

 

I'm just some random person on an internet message board. Although I'd like to think I have some wisdom & common sense, those are no substitute for medical or mental heath training. Ask your mental health professional about cognitive therapy; it's a way to logically direct your mind to more positive, less stressful thoughts.

 

I will caution you that unless you get this under control, unleashing your anxiety on her will cause problems, possibly insurmountable ones in your relationship. She's already telling you that you are suffocating her. You have to trust the person you marry. To date you have not said she's doing anything suspicious. She shouldn't have to text you constantly to alleviate your anxiety when it's beyond the norm. If you can't trust you can't have a marriage. Expecting her to be in ouch 24/7 is unrealistic.

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... my only suggestion is to work more closely with your trained therapist to address the issues.

 

I second this. (Or, get a new one.) Especially one who is opening to playing with the dosage of your present medications or is willing to put you on a different one or ones.

 

The current regime isn't working and you need to get your issues under control. Putting the burden on your fiancée is not the solution and if things keep going as they are your relationship is going to self-destruct.

 

Best,

TMichaels

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ExpatInItaly

You need to find a different therapist. Whatever techniques the current one is suggesting aren't working. What have you been doing under his/her guidance? Deep breathing isn't going to be enough.

 

We are not equipped to help you with this, beyond suggesting seeking out a different qualified professional. The problems you described run much deeper than simply missing someone, which you are already aware of. You are projecting all your anxiety and stress on to your girlfriend, which is incredibly unfair and toxic. She can't be expected to soothe you every time your emotional issues bubble up, which sounds like an awful lot. Your mental health is not her responsibility, but I gather you already know that.

 

One thing i have to point out - you said your girlfriend pulls a guilt trip on you when she tells you that you are smothering her. No. She is calling you out for doing just that to her. She is trying to be honest with you that your constant anxiety, stress, anger and need for contact is too much for her. You must learn to soothe yourself. A simple text message that she will be staying somewhere later, as you put it, is not the solution. That is putting the responsibility for your anxiety on her shoulders, which won't work in the long-run. You need to seek different professional help immediately or the relationship won't survive.

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I guess I was a little fuzzy and lacked a little detail on my description, so let me explain a little better.

 

I have only gotten on to her twice about not contacting me because she was somewhere past the time she said she would be. Other than that, I don't project my issues on her. I bottle them up and specifically try my hardest not to project them onto her because I know that I can mess things up if I do.

 

The only reason I got onto her those two times, on the first occasion, she said she was going to a friends house to watch a movie at 5. she told me she would call me after the movie was over. She took a bottle of wine and went over there. I didn't hear from her until 11 that night. We have plans to Skype every night that she is not doing night clinicals around 8 pm or 9 pm. We have had this ritual for 8 months now. I was freaking out thinking she got in a wreck because she was drinking wine or something because she didn't call me or message me all night. I didn't send her any messages because, again, I didn't want to smother her or project my worries onto her. I wanted to give her a chance to contact me without me pushing her. Once I finally heard from her, she acted completely normal as if everything was normal and OK. finally she could sense my worry and frustration and apologized and said she would worry about me the same way too.

 

The second time, she said she was going to study with a friend for a 2 hours. we planned to Skype right after that. 6 hours later I finally hear from her. This frustrated me because we had plans. I was going into panic mode with this one as well.

 

These are the times that she told me she felt suffocated. Other than that, I bottle everything up and pretend as if everything is normal, or try to. sometimes she can sense it in me and I just tell her that I will be fine. some of those times she pushes me to talk about it and we do. usually ends with her getting frustrated with my sensitivity. I to bottle this up when really inside, I am a disaster waiting to implode.

 

I worry because she is 5 hours away and if something were to happen, I cant do anything for her. She has called me for locking her keys in her car before and I felt absolutely terrible that I couldn't do a damn thing to help. She didn't know what to do and was panicking. I wanted to get in the car and drive down there to help her.

 

Again, I never project my anger to her, I only have expressed my worry and I have projected a few times but I am controlling it. I am a talker when it comes to issues and not a reactionary person. I internalize all my frustrations and anger that I don't want to project onto her. I feel that a simple text message from her, asking that she is OK, when she told me she would be contacting me at a certain time, is not too much to ask for. I agree with "justwhoiam", that if my fiancee did this while she was back home with me, that it would be inconsiderate of her to not at least contact me in similar situations. To me it would just be considerate to think of me in those circumstances.

 

What I am asking for on this thread is to see if anyone has any suggestions on how to help control my emotions so I don't implode on myself. I feel as if I could self destruct any day now, and I really don't know what that will mean, but it scares me.

 

I appreciate the comments so far and would like to hear more from you.

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My advice is still valid. She needs to be more considerate and you need to understand if she sees eye to eye with you that LD doesn't have to be different because you're far away. For this, you need to talk, and I bed she would agree she would just warn you about not coming home if you were there. But she might argue that she wouldn't need to do that because you'd be with her......... (which is not a given, anyway)

 

I would also suggest:

- not to have any date / Skype call schedule on days when she has something else planned

- not to keep her occupied every free night she gets as if it were a compulsory task. She also needs to keep up with her friends, have some social life, etc.

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I would also suggest:

- not to have any date / Skype call schedule on days when she has something else planned

- not to keep her occupied every free night she gets as if it were a compulsory task. She also needs to keep up with her friends, have some social life, etc.

 

She really doesn't have much time to hang out with her friends but I never stop her from hanging out with her friends or studying. I agree that everyone needs there "friend" time. I just want to know what she is going to be doing so I know what to expect. I definitely pay that respect forward to her. I will always let her know where I am and will let her know if plans change. We are going to be married, so to me it is just a given. If she wants to hang out with her friends, I am perfectly fine with that. I just don't want to worry about her the whole time I don't know where she is or if she is safe and OK.

 

I know that my worry and panic is enhanced by my phsyicological issues. I just wish I could get them under control

 

As far as exercising, I cant run but bike ride on a regular basis. I have tried biking my stress away and had a panic attack because of this situation while riding a couple times. It helps with exercise to release stress in other areas, just not in this situation.

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ExpatInItaly
She really doesn't have much time to hang out with her friends but I never stop her from hanging out with her friends or studying. I agree that everyone needs there "friend" time. I just want to know what she is going to be doing so I know what to expect. I definitely pay that respect forward to her. I will always let her know where I am and will let her know if plans change. We are going to be married, so to me it is just a given. If she wants to hang out with her friends, I am perfectly fine with that. I just don't want to worry about her the whole time I don't know where she is or if she is safe and OK.

 

I know that my worry and panic is enhanced by my phsyicological issues. I just wish I could get them under control

 

As far as exercising, I cant run but bike ride on a regular basis. I have tried biking my stress away and had a panic attack because of this situation while riding a couple times. It helps with exercise to release stress in other areas, just not in this situation.

 

Why do you need to know where she is all the time, though? I can understand her giving you a heads-up if you made plans and she needed to change them. But otherwise, I don't see why it's so important that you know where she is every hour. What exactly are you worried about? Are you worried that she could be with another guy, or..? I have a feeling this goes further than general concern for her well-being.

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There is no fear of her being with another guy. I have complete trust in her.

 

I can understand her giving you a heads-up if you made plans and she needed to change them. But otherwise, I don't see why it's so important that you know where she is every hour.

 

One of the nights we did have plans, the other, there were no plans set in stone, but we have always Skype around 9 or earlier (for the last 5 months like clockwork). I was genuinely worried that night and when I found out she was just hanging out with friends, the worry turned into frustration for not considering my feelings .

 

I have a feeling this goes further than general concern for her well-being.

 

You are probably right that this goes deeper, but i don't know why. I can see that this is 90% on my side of things, not hers, which is why I suppress most of it.

 

This isn't just about those two times, this is about the last 5 months of torture I have been going through and trying to figure out why...

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This isn't just about those two times, this is about the last 5 months of torture I have been going through and trying to figure out why...

 

Trying to figure out why and how to fix it.

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I hate to say it, but there isn't any other coping mechanism to suggest.

 

As much as I would love to say that she should be a little more considerate, I also understand her point of view. I lose track of time sometimes and I HATE being encased into a set schedule for something like talking.

 

You stop looking forward to it if you are adhering to someone else's schedule.

 

Unfortunately, your issue is becoming her issue and you might find yourself not being a fiancee much longer.

 

There is no magic pill that you can suddenly take to make this go away and even if there were, you aren't really coping with the situation, you are sedating it. You are borderline smothering her at this point, even if you fail to see it that way. I bet she constantly needs to be making sure she is on time to text you or call you, and that's just as worse as checking in with a parent.

 

I don't know what to tell you, but I do understand where you are coming from. I hate to say this, but you are on a very unhealthy path for the next 8 months as well, for something that won't be an issue in the future.

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So basically I am asking if anyone can come up with some new coping mechanism to help me make it through this extremely tough time?

 

We aren't really equipped to suggest coping mechanisms for this type of problem. You've already ruled out several, and I believe that this issue is far-reaching enough to require the help of a counselor. I know you said the one you're currently seeing isn't making much progress with you - are you looking into changing therapists?

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