He doesn't let me be sad, mad, or just upset!

[intricate]

Hi!

 

I'm in an LDR for a year and a half, and knew him overall for two years. My biggest issue is his way of not letting me be upset, depressed, sad, angry, anxious, brooding, or any other negative feelings, without shaming me and giving me a big patronizing speech about how I should grow up, be confident, blah blah blah. I mean, yes, it's not always good to be negative 100% of the time, but it seems that he punishes me when I am not the peppy, bubbly ray of sunshine even when life smacks me to the floor. Sometimes, I get upset and I need to vent, but when I do, there he goes blasting away about owning myself, owning my life, control my stuff, etc. I just wish he would tell me that he's sorry I feel like that, to tell him more about how I feel, that everything will be OK.

 

He comes from a culture where honesty is best policy, even when it's brutal. In fact, if you are a brutally honest person, you are ideal. In my culture, yes honesty is nice but I also appreciate it when people just simply hear each other out and then either hug or say "I'm here for you, I know it's been tough!" to the other person. Not in his culture! You'll get a sneer and a big ol' "Tough it out, you wimp!" and that'll be the end of it.

 

I feel like the longer we are together, the more restrictions I am given by him in terms of my own emotions. Even when I am sad and don't want to bother him about it, he gets patronizing and wants me to be perfect and sunshiny again. It's like, I'm sorry, but sometimes life gives me hard times and stressful times and I will feel not too peachy about it. But he doesn't give me a break.

 

I don't know. I think this mostly a vent more than anything, but my question to you all is why does he do this? Is it a defense mechanism? Is it culture? Does he not care about the dark days of my life when it happens?

 

Thanks in advance.

[beach]

Oh my, I'd be hard pressed to stay in any relationship where a man wouldn't allow me to be myself.

 

One second of that controling behavior and I'd be gone!

 

Any man should make me feel I am the best thing ever! By lifting me up and being supportive and loving - none of which you are describing.

[intricate]

Oh my, I'd be hard pressed to stay in any relationship where a man wouldn't allow me to be myself.

 

One second of that controling behavior and I'd be gone!

 

Any man should make me feel I am the best thing ever! By lifting me up and being supportive and loving - none of which you are describing.

 

I honestly don't understand his problem. I think a big part of him being like that is that he has a close relationship with his mother, who is very insufferable and doesn't like to see weaknesses in other people. His mother likes to go on big rants about being strong, independent, owning your own flaws, etc. I like to hear positive messages and all of that jazz, but darn it, sometimes I just want someone to just hold me and tell me that everything will be okay...

 

But no, it's all about being strong even if you face extremely trying times. Being strong is good, but it doesn't make you weak if you cry or get angry about something. He doesn't seem to agree with that and it hurts, seriously.

 

I love the kid, not going to lie, but it hurts.

Edited October 5, 2014 by intricate

[justwhoiam]

I don't know, maybe what you're saying it's true, but remember, it's just your side of the coin.

 

If he had to endure 1.5 years of you constantly being sad, negative, depressed, unhappy, then it can really become too much, and it needs addressing seriously. You know, it's difficult to be near someone who's negative and depressed all the time. Who always sees the glass as half empty instead than half full. And you might be that person, but maybe you just don't realize about that. I don't know you, but it's possible. Because depressed people have no freaking idea how frustrating and difficult to bear they are. No. They often think their problems are the most important problems in the world. Do you share the same deal of concern regarding his problems? Do you put the same amount of thought and effort into his issues?

And next time you think your knight should always be there for you, think of this: perennial negativity can drag someone down with you over time. Don't blame him. His way of cheering you up might be wrong, but try to sum up how long he had to spend time cheering you up, and see if his frustration is justified. Put yourself in his shoes before you lose it.

 

Last, but not least, your bad moods might affect your relationship. Not just the relationship with him. This would happen regardless of the guy you're with. Because it's just bad.

 

You will excuse my rant. I thought: if I could bear yours, you can bear mine.

[intricate]

I don't know, maybe what you're saying it's true, but remember, it's just your side of the coin.

 

If he had to endure 1.5 years of you constantly being sad, negative, depressed, unhappy, then it can really become too much, and it needs addressing seriously. You know, it's difficult to be near someone who's negative and depressed all the time. Who always sees the glass as half empty instead than half full. And you might be that person, but maybe you just don't realize about that. I don't know you, but it's possible. Because depressed people have no freaking idea how frustrating and difficult to bear they are. No. They often think their problems are the most important problems in the world. Do you share the same deal of concern regarding his problems? Do you put the same amount of thought and effort into his issues?

And next time you think your knight should always be there for you, think of this: perennial negativity can drag someone down with you over time. Don't blame him. His way of cheering you up might be wrong, but try to sum up how long he had to spend time cheering you up, and see if his frustration is justified. Put yourself in his shoes before you lose it.

 

Last, but not least, your bad moods might affect your relationship. Not just the relationship with him. This would happen regardless of the guy you're with. Because it's just bad.

 

You will excuse my rant. I thought: if I could bear yours, you can bear mine.

 

Hmmm.

 

I think maybe I am being too hard on him and not realize that some of my negativity has finally gotten to him after knowing him for so long. He has his down moments and I do love him very much even when he is like that, believe me. I don't just love him through the rosy times, but also the bad.

 

I mean, it's not like I'm always a sour puss 365 days a year, 24/7. Because then that would be very bad, you're right, and that would get on anybody's nerves. I have my happy moments and I do make sure to laugh at least once every day. I guess I take it so hard with him because I don't usually like confiding in my family, friends, or anybody else, like I do with him. But maybe it's time I find an outlet to let the bad feelings out. It's not good to hold all of this in.

 

Thanks.

[Frank2thepoint]

I guess I take it so hard with him because I don't usually like confiding in my family, friends, or anybody else, like I do with him. But maybe it's time I find an outlet to let the bad feelings out. It's not good to hold all of this in.

 

Your boyfriend, even though a LDR, should not be the sole inheritor of listening to problems you have. It is great you are comfortable to share with him, but other outlets are needed, such as this place, where there is a vast repository of experiences and opinions. But you do need someone in your life, in close proximity such as a friend, classmate, or co-worker that you are close enough to, and willing to hear you out, while give some advice in return.

[rester]

I find that my girlfriend can be like this. Sometimes it can be rare for her to say anything positive or communicate anything that excited her or that she's happy with. I understand the need to vent and work out problems, but I also value seeing the good side in things and making the best of bad situations. Negativity can be exhausting.

 

I suggest keeping an eye on how often you are negative or sad or are communicating these negative feelings to him. If it's more often than the positive feelings you share, it may be that speaking with you is starting to get him down. We all need to vent or complain now and then, but it shouldn't be a habit. That's not an attractive quality.

[intricate]

Thanks, everybody! I will be more positive and happy in my conversations with him from now on. Doesn't mean I can't be sad when something bad happens to me, he deserves to know, but I will also add good feelings to our conversations too. Balance is key!

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Hi!

 

I'm in an LDR for a year and a half, and knew him overall for two years. My biggest issue is his way of not letting me be upset, depressed, sad, angry, anxious, brooding, or any other negative feelings, without shaming me and giving me a big patronizing speech about how I should grow up, be confident, blah blah blah. I mean, yes, it's not always good to be negative 100% of the time, but it seems that he punishes me when I am not the peppy, bubbly ray of sunshine even when life smacks me to the floor. Sometimes, I get upset and I need to vent, but when I do, there he goes blasting away about owning myself, owning my life, control my stuff, etc. I just wish he would tell me that he's sorry I feel like that, to tell him more about how I feel, that everything will be OK.

 

He comes from a culture where honesty is best policy, even when it's brutal. In fact, if you are a brutally honest person, you are ideal. In my culture, yes honesty is nice but I also appreciate it when people just simply hear each other out and then either hug or say "I'm here for you, I know it's been tough!" to the other person. Not in his culture! You'll get a sneer and a big ol' "Tough it out, you wimp!" and that'll be the end of it.

 

I feel like the longer we are together, the more restrictions I am given by him in terms of my own emotions. Even when I am sad and don't want to bother him about it, he gets patronizing and wants me to be perfect and sunshiny again. It's like, I'm sorry, but sometimes life gives me hard times and stressful times and I will feel not too peachy about it. But he doesn't give me a break.

 

I don't know. I think this mostly a vent more than anything, but my question to you all is why does he do this? Is it a defense mechanism? Is it culture? Does he not care about the dark days of my life when it happens?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

Cripes! Doesn't it make you mad??? I can see it now... mute mic... You F'n bbastard! What in the F do you think you are telling me what i should do and think!!! Half an hour later.... Unmute mic... Oh I love you, and you are so caring. Hehehehehe!!

 

It would my SM. She would let go like a cannon. Though I love hearing her go off like there is no tomorrow. Kids will do that to you! Heheheeheh!!!

 

Nothing like a dirty mouthed Scots woman. Though I can't bring myself to badger her into such cruel and unusual seduction. But she will give me a telling good enough to say I love you just as much and slap her arse. MWHAHAHAHAA!!!!

[intricate]

Cripes! Doesn't it make you mad??? I can see it now... mute mic... You F'n bbastard! What in the F do you think you are telling me what i should do and think!!! Half an hour later.... Unmute mic... Oh I love you, and you are so caring. Hehehehehe!!

 

It would my SM. She would let go like a cannon. Though I love hearing her go off like there is no tomorrow. Kids will do that to you! Heheheeheh!!!

 

Nothing like a dirty mouthed Scots woman. Though I can't bring myself to badger her into such cruel and unusual seduction. But she will give me a telling good enough to say I love you just as much and slap her arse. MWHAHAHAHAA!!!!

 

You have The Beatles in your avatar. I like you.

 

Yes, I know we all have bad days, but I've learned now to also include some positive energy in my communication with my partner. He deserves me at my best too!

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

You have The Beatles in your avatar. I like you.

 

Yes, I know we all have bad days, but I've learned now to also include some positive energy in my communication with my partner. He deserves me at my best too!

 

HA! I could not help it... Seeing the Beatles on Yahoo US this morning, I decided to photo bomb them with a bunch of Raving Rabbids. BWHAHAHAHAHA!!! I change depending on mood... who knows what will be here next week.

 

I understand that, but I have a strong belief along with my SM, that if you are naturally hot headed, don't hold back, allow them times to just come out. Though it be best away from SO. Unless they understand you and won't get hurt by it.

 

I allowed her to say her peace, and once issues were resolved, and understandings met, she does not have much in her anymore with me. Just what she has with her husband. She tells me I calm her like no other. So if anything showing understanding and acceptance for things beyond your control between each other, will allow love and affection to calm such temperament.

 

Maybe you both can reach a mid way between allowing for you to vent without guilt, and show that you can keep composure time to time.