planning a future with guy with ISSUES

[vegaslady]

MY guy and I have been together on off for two years in December. Last year he broke it off due to major issues, such as fear and intimacy issues. He has always mostly been alone and when he was engaged years ago, she left him. Which isn’t to say he is innocent. He has done the whole coming on really strong then running away thing with girls for YEARS. Even with girls he knew in the military in Germany, for years after. That’s what guys with major commitment issues do. He tells me I am the first WOMAN he has ever been with and he has met his match and I believe it. I have been though a lot for him. I put him back in touch with his long lost family from his father’s side who is dead now and he grew up without never really knowing. His mother pretty selfish as she won’t tell him truth about childhood. You look in his eyes and you see they don’t sparkle, kind of empty. So, like I said, we were getting very close last year and he made it clear I was the one, than he ran hard and fast. I tried to get him back at first. I lashed out and accused him of hitting the bars, chasing women etc. He did get violent one time and choke me and did some emotionally manipulative stuff to **** with me. Like, telling me he was going to move far away to trigger my abandonment issues so he could get sex. I know, it sounds REALLY bad but please try and keep an open mind.

 

After choking me, I left town devastated. Months later, we got back in contact, started LDR and at first he was wishy washy again. I went though his phone and found out that all the time after we were broken up he HAD been hitting the bars and chasing women, not working and studying innocently as he had been claiming. There was texts to his “pals” (not close friends) about going to parties to take advantage of drunk broads, following a drunk girl home to her home after she insisted etc, he really DID go crazy and paint the town red and it was gut wrenching to read. Side note- women’s intuition is ALWAYS on the money.

 

I finally lost it, made it clear I was sick of his bull**** and was moving on as I wanted a partner, commitment and a FAMILY soon. Since then, he has been really trying. He has fully made commitment clear. He hasn’t been at bars, and is moving here to be with me. I have never been clingy or insecure or jealous in my LIFE. I never was with him. But I am now sometimes. We have agreed that if he goes to a bar to watch a fight for example, it is ok as long as he keeps in touch. He has been good about it too. Sends me pics if he is at a friend’s house, and always answers his phone/texts etc. He has been trying to get my trust back and opening up more about his issues that make him this way and I can honestly say a true effort is being made. Only thing, if I have him do stuff to help me it always slips his mind. He comes visit and pays for outings, I pay for air tickets. But I wanted help putting shower rod up in bathroom- he didn’t do it. I wanted help installing new headlights on car- he didn’t do it. I only BOUGHT the lights for my car to help HIM as he hates driving my old car at night. If it is such an issue, he could have installed them. I played air soft for HIM (paintball without the paint, using rubber pellets instead) and I got all shot up with bruises but did it for HIM. I spent $300 on the gear to wear for HIM. I went shooting real guns with him for HIM. Bought a steelers shirt to wear for HIM and planned an outing to a steelers bar. I bought him an air soft gun for birthday for $160, I bought him book for school for $30, I bought him laptop for $150 which he was going to pay me back for but weasled out of. I am not always easy to handle. I am feisty, jealous and headstrong. But I would do anything for him except take his ****.

 

Yesterday we got into it a bit over the lights he didn’t install. He called me up after I struggled doing it myself and neighbors were like “go girl” and in my mind, after all I had done with laptop, school books, buying beer and air ticket, it is the least he could do. I was angry, hurt. I do EVERYTHING myself plus I got fired from a sexist car dealership a few days ago where I went through MAJOR sexually hostile harassment for 7 months and got ****ed over badly. Honestly, I have had a bad run with males lately and it is hard to handle. He said sorry but I went on about it. No yelling or names, just pointing out he is so quick to help his mother who he barely sees and has NO relationship with really and who has done nothing for him really. Yet for me, he won’t really help?

 

I was trying to get him to have an “aha” moment by reversing the scenario back but he just got irritable and didn’t see. He only talks to his mother because of me anyway, as I helped him forgive her for bad stuff in past. I am so quick to help him but because I am so tough and independent, he doesn’t see I don’t want to be and I want my man to be a man. He wants me to see him as a boy but when he acts like a child it is hard. He was very rude and impatient when teaching me how to shoot at air soft and I had a bit of anxiety as people DO shoot at you, even his friends will not do it. But he got angry over my anxiety and yelled at me. When I tried to talk to him, he folded his arms up tight and honestly reminded me of an 8 year old not getting his way. This man is 40 years old.

 

Why don’t men see if they wish to be regarded as men, they need to act like men. He is immature. So, last night after our disagreement, I felt kind of bad and sent a sweet text an hour later to keep the peace. “Feeling feisty and missing you”. No reply. I called 2 hours later, thought he was asleep. Not til nearly seven hours later around 11 pm did I get a text letting me know he was at the bar watching fights. He had mentioned earlier he was going. I was very upset and instantly got angry wondering what the hell he was up to he couldn’t respond for 6 hours.

 

I tell you, if he read in my cell phone the same as what I read in his while we were apart, he never would have touched me again. He would have thought me damaged goods, as men do. During our time apart, I once saw him at a bar rolling drunk and fighting with a girl in a skirt that literally showed half of her bare ass. The cops came that night as I silently watched from a distance. He doesn’t do well alone, he is quite unhappy inside of himself.

 

So, I lashed out last night for hours and could only visualize that happening again. He has issues with alcohol, is it no wonder I don’t want him at bars? And to fall off the face of the earth for 6 hours after he agreed months ago he would text me once or twice if he did go out to watch a fight? All I wanted was him to check in. If I didn’t reply and I was at a bar, he would flip. He once went to a bar alone after we were getting back and he agreed if I did it he would hate it. So, once in a blue moon with a married friend to watch a fight, is ok if he just checks in a couple of times, with texts. But because he was irritated by my going on about the headlights, he decided to ignore me for 6 hours. Doing what? Noone will ever know for sure. Outside of that, he does call all the time and picks up when I call usually.

 

Now I blocked his ass as frankly I am pissed. We don’t live in the same state yet, not til December when he moves here. I can’t just dump him and move on, it’s not that easy. It is a jungle out there and we do have loads in common and love is there. But he is going to go work in oilfields and will be gone 19 days at a time. Imagine any of us in a LDR and we don’t hear from our partner for 6 hours. Most people will get anxious. I flipped out as he has ran for the hills before and fallen off the face of the earth and when he does it is damaging and very hurtful. His issues are not easy to deal with.

 

Trusting someone who lied in the past before and left you hanging is hard to get past. When he does the right thing and helps me feel secure, we get along. But if we have an argument I feel he is going to cut and run.

 

I am truly an amazing woman with everything you could ask for. The way I feel loved is when my man helps me, does little things for me and lets me IN. The book “The 5 Love Languages” is awesome. It talks about how we all feel love. You have to speak your partner’s love language. To him, paying for everything is a sign of love. To me, it’s fixing something around the house, letting me in on your life, no secrets. That;s what makes me feel loved. I have done so much alone for so long, been so strong and independent. It would be amazing to have someone to help with the load a bit, you know? And he IS handy. That’s the thing. He is an electrician. I really DON’T want to be the man, I want him to be. A man can't NOT step up and help you and then expect to be viewed as strong and dependable and trustworthy. When he does good things I praise the hell out of him believe me. I am always telling him how great he is and blah blah blah.

 

Soon as he needs something, I do it. I am no doormat TRUST me, I was a real ball buster last night oh yes. But the laptop and books he needed to study, I jumped on it. To me, when you’re with someone you’ve gotta give it your all or what’s the point? You help each other. You put each other first ahead of air soft or Facebook or other bull****. I am 37 and he is 40. We are planning our lives together. If you don’t set the standard early on with each other than life will be tough.

 

He is not an *******. Just very out of touch and a child at times with issues. People raised to fend for themselves are selfish, I get it. I am mostly venting here with feedback welcomed.

 

I don't really think he was with another girl. But the fact is he deliberately ignored me for hours. It's kind of like a childish revenge because he was upset with me and a power/ control thing. But I didn't do anything to deserve that. I recognized I went on a bit too much and tried to make peace with the sweet text and his ignoring me felt like he was throwing the olive branch in my face.

Edited September 7, 2014 by vegaslady

[CC12]

I know, it sounds REALLY bad but please try and keep an open mind.

 

It sounds really bad because it is really bad. I did try to keep an open mind about the whole choking thing, but it's not like the rest of your post describes a great guy who is doing everything he can to make up for the heinous thing he did. Since then, he lied to you, played the disappearing act after a disagreement, yelled at you for being anxious about trying a new and somewhat dangerous hobby of his, has borrowed money from you and weaseled out of paying you back, he doesn't do small favors that you ask of him, etc. There are probably other ****ty things he's done to you that you didn't mention here.

 

He is not an *******. Just very out of touch and a child at times with issues. People raised to fend for themselves are selfish, I get it.

 

You are making excuses for him. Sure, at times he's not an *******, and there are probably legitimate reasons that he is the way he is. But it doesn't excuse it, and it's not your job to fix his issues. That's especially true when his issues are so damaging and frankly dangerous to you. The choking is very alarming (and I don't believe this is the only time he's ever put his hands on you.)

 

Read this article, especially where it says:

 

States are targeting choking incidents because when an abuser tries to strangle someone in a domestic assault, it is a leading indicator that he will escalate his attacks and eventually kill his victim

 

Be careful, and take care of yourself, please.

[justwhoiam]

If you think an alcoholic will stop drinking out of love, I think YOU are out of touch with reality.

 

Some things stay with you for a very long time (if not forever) and are not easy to drop, like a drinking habit.

 

I guess he wasn't sober when he tried to choke you, was he? This might happen again, and you might not be so lucky to get out of it alive.

 

I'm all for helping, and I'm not saying he's a lost guy. But it'd take years, and I mean like 10 years of absolutely no drinking, before you could think of having a family with him. I don't think you are willing to wait that long, and endure 10 years of troubles. Plus, he has no intention of quitting that environment (bars), it's his life. And to me, the heavy drinking is not compatible with a family life with children. You'd be putting yourself and your children at risk. And it's not something you can ask, so that he does that for you. Because if you do, he might behave for a while, but then 90% sure he will give in again.

 

If I were you, I would try to be there for him as a friend. Like listening to him when he needs it, supporting him the way you can, giving him advice, etc. But the romance would be over.

[ExpatInItaly]

Girl. This is very. very bad.

 

Instead of listing all his horrible characteristics and behaviour and trying to change him, you should be asking yourself why you are allowing yourself to be dragged into it. What is the benefit to you? Why do you need to be loved and validated by him?

 

Far too much drama, especially from a 40-year-old man. You two are not good together. The physical abuse should have been the dealbreaker. You can choose to continue tolerating it or you can respect yourself and walk away for good.

[todreaminblue]

people who are raised to be independent or fend for themselves are not always selfish....thats a choice he makes.......

 

 

in saying that .......he has issues and everyone has them some have visible issues some do not....being aware of issues is a good thing...you are aware you yourself have trust issues borne from his previous behaviors.....which are really not good signs for longevity in a relationship......trust has to be earned......he needs to work on gaining your trust by simply doing right by you......

 

 

ldr can work if you have trust on both sides......at the moment you dont have it hence relationship isnt working...he is behaving immaturely.....that needs to be worked on and it needs to change for you to be happy......write out what you fidn hard to deal with .....approach him have an honest and open discussion on what you need for the relationship to continue....if he does not agree to help nurture the relationship...the relationship is just not that important to him or he isnt mature enough to be in one in the first place...the decision is ultimately yours......he will hang on while he can and will continue to do the behaviors you find hard to deal with if you let him....so eb th emature one have that discussion and see if he is willing to work with you....if he isnt willing to work with you and adjust and adapt to be in a relationship...takes two always..........the sooner the relationship dissolves the better it will be..you dotn have to change how you are being someone who fends for themselves........but you do need to be able to work as a team as well...then your traits of looking after yourself...becomes a trait to include another or others....and selflessness is often a trait of someone who knows how to look after themselves more so i feel than selfishness.....survivors in life.....even those who have gone it alone......throw out life rafts all the time for other people...........thats what i have found anyway........deb

[vegaslady]

I would rather be dead than not have a family. It is my life mission to be mother. I am here, alone, in a strange city and not even my own country (not Las Vegas anymore) with not even a social circle. I am very social but at the same time find my own space far less destructive than that of many people and their drama so I keep to myself. I am a loner, a truly GREAT lady with a heart of gold but I do tolerate BS usually nor am I phony. Sadly, my kind is undervalued and shunned in our society and that is a fact. I am 37. I am almost out of time. Really think about it, what are the odds of me starting over single again, going through THAT sheer hell, which I find dating is, only to put in MORE years which I do NOT HAVE people, just to hope that maybe it will work out?

 

I do not have time. Please see I am 37 not 27. Those of you with children and friends and social circles and families, I do not expect you to relate.

 

Rip it all away from you and tell me how you would feel and you can come close to seeing how I feel.

 

I don't want any lectures. I have mentally gone over this a million times. Please don 't tell me "what's good" for my as yet unborn child. I am the one that IS hear, right now, with needs and an agonizing desire to be a mother. I cannot look at babies without crying. I am crying now as I write this. I know what my purpose is.. A life without my own little one, my own peace of joy, my own flesh to raise and cherish and spoil.

 

I would truly rather be dead than never be a mother. All this love to give, all this pain, all this beauty I have inside of me to offer someone. I want nothing more than a world where we are good to one another, and animals and children are not hrt. I want to see innocence, and beauty. Life has never jaded me, just tested me and HARD.

 

You cannot know what it is to be truly lonely and alone most of the time except work. I feel I am wasted, with so much talent and spark. I came out the car industry and it did damage me further and I am trying to get that back. I don't want to rant anymore, I like writing here, at least it is something.

 

People all talk about suicide because of Robin Williams now. "He should have reached out" etc etc. A lot of the time people DO. It's just that, most people do not give a **** until it is too late as they care about themselves.

 

I am nOT suicidal, just saying.

 

God bless.

[ExpatInItaly]

Listen - I am on the other side of the world from my friends and family. I am similar to you in age, and I am single and childless. I knew not a soul when I moved here, either. I started over from square one. Don't assume that nobody here can relate. You are most certainly not the only person in this position. Life has tested many of us in difficult ways. You don't know the hardships some of us have endured. My point is that your current status is not unique, not by any means, and not catastrophic. You're not alone.

 

Your desire to have a baby is overshadowing your judgment. It would be very selfish and unwise to bring a child in to this toxic situation. It is not stable and no place for an innocent baby. Help yourself by letting go of this poor candidate for a partner and father. He's put his hands on you. What on earth makes you think he wouldn't do the same to a child? It seems that you aren't necessarily in love with this guy any more, but you're desperate for a child.

 

Move on to greener pastures in which you could potentially find a mate who is more suited to the role of father. You are wasting your time with the current one. Get yourself into a better position to be a mother, emotionally-speaking. It would be wise to find other sources of happiness and fulfillment in the meantime, as it appears you have no other outlets at the moment. Opportunity exists - you need to seek it out and grab it.

[vegaslady]

Me too. I am from Australia.

 

 

Mother died 2007, father in law through my ex 2009, Aunt in 2010. I hate goodbyes.

 

 

I turns out the other night, when I thought he was at a bar, he wasn't. He said sports PARK on the phone, not sports BAR. He was watching fights, which he told me ahead of time. That changes things. He still ignored me for 6 hours because he was upset which I am pissed at but that is another issue.

 

It is not just the kid thing, we have loads in common, same goals, interests, beliefs, everything.

 

I don't want another goodbye. I talked to him last night and he seems emotionally overwhelmed as I went nuts the other night.

 

We will see. Thanks for advice all.

[ExpatInItaly]

Me too. I am from Australia.

 

 

Mother died 2007, father in law through my ex 2009, Aunt in 2010. I hate goodbyes.

 

 

I turns out the other night, when I thought he was at a bar, he wasn't. He said sports PARK on the phone, not sports BAR. He was watching fights, which he told me ahead of time. That changes things. He still ignored me for 6 hours because he was upset which I am pissed at but that is another issue.

 

It is not just the kid thing, we have loads in common, same goals, interests, beliefs, everything.

I don't want another goodbye. I talked to him last night and he seems emotionally overwhelmed as I went nuts the other night.

 

We will see. Thanks for advice all.

 

But what about the foundation of a healthy relationship - trust, mutual respect, open communication, kindness? There is a serious, disturbing lack of these in your relationship as you described it.

 

Instead, you paint the picture of a man who is: jealous, physically and emotionally abusive, probably unfaithful, emotionally immature, selfish, untrustworthy with your money, and a problem drinker.

 

It's a pity because you seem to be a kind woman who wants what most of us want - a loving relationship. Instead you're with this poor excuse for a boyfriend. You don't feel loved and cherished, or protected and content with him, do you? You don't deserve this loser. And yes, his behaviour is indeed that of a loser. He doesn't love you the way you love him, OP.

 

Also..who is he with when he disappears for hours on end?

Edited September 10, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[vegaslady]

It sounds bad I know. Trust me, he is NOT with anyone else. That was one time the other night he didn't answer right away because he was pissed at me for harping on about the car, I did talk a bit of **** about his family, asking why he does more for a mother he never sees and I dragged up some old **** that wasn't fair and no I am not making excuses I am being HONEST. He was at the fights the other night, i truly believe it. He was wrong to ignore me and did it to be an ass, partially too. Doesn't make it right I know. Overall he has been trying a lot, really. That is why I have hung in there. He is the type who would spoil me if he had it, that's the thing. It was just weird, the laptop thing, doesn't make sense.

 

I feel bad now because I really lit into him with my temper and like I said, I do believe he was at the fights. His phone never goes off with random texts, I keep a good eye on things. You have to, with anyone these days. There are not make trustworthy people around.

 

I even said sorry for losing my temper, now he is not calling, he is milking it for attention now I think so let him do his thing, I will do mine.

 

He sounded exhausted and broken last night. Really. He hates it when I go nuts. Yes, he ignored me for six hours but is that an excuse for me to verbally abuse him for hours? Really? I too have my own stuff to deal with but I have come far. It is hard to forget past. When I don't hear from him, all the abandonment and insecurity kicks in. He does know this. So, it is a too way street. I also blocked him and said it's over. He said he felt numb the last few days. He said he didn't even want to speak as he was afraid of saying the wrong thing and setting me off. Honestly, it's good when he does this to a point. I have been guilty of being verbally abusive in the past and this guy will not take it. It does help me when there are consequences. My ex husband would take it. So, there is some positive in here. I try to look at everything as lessons and ways to help me grow. Honestly, things are good more than bad. I didn't have to go berserk over car lights, let's be real.

 

I try to trust him. It's hard, thanks for listening.

 

Side note- he knows I would blow up his car if he messed around. That also helps. lol

 

And thanks for saying I am kind hearted. Despite my temper which only get triggered my a few things, I really am a good person, I just want love.

Edited September 11, 2014 by vegaslady

[justwhoiam]

I would rather be dead than not have a family. It is my life mission to be mother.

First, I think it's natural for a woman to want a family and children, especially when you're single at 37. But, you need to take it like it is. Things don't always go they way we'd like, running smoothly as we planned. What if you find out you can't have children? Or he can't have children? You'd go crazy. So here there's a problem to address. ASAP.

 

Also, I too think other people reading this thread can relate to your situation, as ExpatInItaly said. But if you decide you just won't listen to anyone, because no one can understand you and only you know what's best for you, there's very little we can do. At this point, you could just write down your thoughts in a secret diary, piece of paper, or blog, it'd be the same.

 

My random thoughts are the following:

 

1) I know at least two women who were very close to me who had their first and only baby at age 45, with no fuss.

 

2) You'd be better off with a sperm donor, if your desire to be a mother is so strong. Personally, I'm quite against donors, because I'm old school. But at least you wouldn't risk to support two people with your work. You'd only need to support your child.

 

3) This guy can provide sperm, but can he provide love and patience? I am a mother, and let me tell you that having a child is no piece of cake. I also have a circle of friends and family who can support me, if I'm sick, or something unexpected happens, I'm not alone with a child. What if the child cries all night till when you can't take it anymore? And what if this happens several nights in a row? Will you have the strength to endure everything ALONE? Will he be patient? Will he help? Will he stay up at night to help you and the child?

 

4) A child can alter any balance previously achieved (if any) and demands efforts, time and sacrifice. Would he give up going to bars? Going to see fights? Do you think family men go out and watch fights at night? He's 40, not 20 something. If he's not shown any interest in building a family so far, I doubt he can switch into that so easily.

 

5) You said you're a loner. You can't bother making new friends and knowing new people. That doesn't match well with being a mother, unless you want your child to be lonely, secluded in your little world.

 

6) I'm not sure if you're striving with money, or you have lots of money, but raising a child with a single income (you need to consider that) can put more pressure and stress on you than you've ever imagined. You could lose your current job and count solely on social benefits (that happened to me). Or you might face other difficulties. Even if there's a remote chance, you need to consider that and think what you would do.

 

7) You think that dropping your current boyfriend would drastically reduce your chances to become a mother. Strangely, I think it's the contrary. Probably, with another man, you'd speed up the process, because you'd feel safer and more comfortable. In that case, the sooner you leave him, the better it'll be for you.

 

Bottom line: please think of everything I wrote very carefully.

 

I don't need any answer from you. I don't need any reassurance on how you know it all or on how good he is. You just need to see everything within yourself and for yourself. Do not try to fool yourself.

 

My last warning is: once you let one bad behavior enter the door (see violence and the like), it just takes a single time to ruin everything irreversibly.

[FitChick]

Plenty of foster kids desperately need homes. And you will be paid for the privilege. The UNselfish thing to do.

[ExpatInItaly]

The relationship sounds exhausting and unfulfilling. Is it really what you imagined for yourself? I doubt it. But I also think you'll stay because you're defending and refuting and rationalizing. I would never accept such poor treatment, but each to their own. Best of luck, OP.

[lollipopspot]

I would truly rather be dead than never be a mother.

 

That is a lot of pressure to put on a child!