Finding the distance very, very difficult now

[Sponge_Cake]

Hi guys.

 

Been in a LDR for almost 6 months now.

During that time, as you'd expect we've got closer and everything has become more intimate. We have met IRL many, many times and have even gone on holiday together a few weeks ago.

We live 4 hours train ride apart...around 5 hours drive. I normally always get the train because it's cheaper and I don't like driving long distances alone.

 

I always had a feeling the distance would be more of an issue for me than for a lot of people, I am a very tactile person and I also hate my own company. I much prefer being with someone all the time. In my last relationship which wasn't a LDR, I was with him for almost 5 years and saw him pretty much everyday.

It did become routine in the end but I preferred it to not seeing him at all.

 

I don't know how to handle the crushing feeling of disappointment I get every time I think about wanting to share something with him...not just telling him but actually having him there with me. Or even when I just get an overwhelming desire to see him right now and I know I can't and I have to wait.

 

The parting each time is making me more and more sad and the build up to it is just as bad..the few hours before are always the worst, I'm sure you can empathise with me there.

 

I see other couples together, my own friends and their partners for example, just doing couply, everyday things and it makes me feel very depressed.

 

I know it's better to have him, someone who supposedly loves me and wants to be with me, being similar helps too and having lots in common. Obviously this is better than not having him but it's sending me into a form of madness...I feel like I need to contact him constantly and I don't want to push him away or stifle him too much, I feel like I'm trying to control him sometimes because I can't be there with him...but obviously he needs to have his own life too.

The other day when we were together I said to him he was my life. I asked him if I was his. And he said "I don't know what that means...do I exist outside of you, yes" of course I know he does...but that comment hurt me a little bit. He tells me he loves me a lot...and he was the first one to say it all those months ago when we were together IRL.

 

So I'm in a bit of a catch 22 situation, I want to be with him because I can see a future together but I don't know how long I can put up with this distance and the issues that come with it.

[randomnerd]

Sometimes I think the distance will be too much for me. I'll be okay but then he will send me a picture of himself and I will get very needy and desperate to be with him but it subsides over time...and starts again.

 

I know people will say it but I'll be the first and I don't mean this in a negative way. Perhaps I even misread your meaning. You can't use him (or any man) to give you your happiness or your self esteem. Spend your time apart finding what makes you happy in your alone time to make it more tolerable. It's a lot of pressure on a person to be responsible for all of your happiness. How long was it between this relationship and the 5 year relationship? It may just be an adjustment period as well.

 

Something that caught my attention was this:

I know it's better to have him, someone who supposedly loves me and wants to be with me, being similar helps too and having lots in common.

 

Have you talked about closing the distance or is he happy as things are? What are his expectations of the relationship?

[chados]

2.5 years relationship and different continents.

 

ive been visiting her for about 2-3 months and she has been here 1-2 months every time. we got 2-3 times each year so that means we have seen each other at least 7-8 months a year. to make it short. school and the fact you cant get a visa without getting married was a problem. and work made me be able to go there so often because i could take off. and of course the money was important.

 

 

ive been there before too and it didnt work out. it was just 2,5 hours away but she couldnt handle it. this girl i have now can. she moved closer to me to finnish school. but shes still not in my country.

 

i have never had any fear that she would leave me or that i would have to leave her. we talk every day , we talk about everything and we are definitely best friends. never have i had any complaints that im to needy. its different with long distance, how much you see each other, how much time and effort you put in, and how much trust you have for the other person.

 

 

theres nothing wrong being afraid and to want to talk about your feelings with him. you need to work as a team. the more he invest in you the more important youre gonna be. let him do things for you. dont chase him and dont be the one who does everything to see him if he cant give you that back.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Be thankful you can meet time to time. You should find all the moments you spend will be a bit more meaningful than any other relationship. Yes it is hard to be away once you have your mate in your arms, but look at the missing you side as proof you are willing to keep on and share as much as you can with your mate. It brings a lot more passion and meaning each month you add in your LDR.

 

Try going past 3 years without meeting... it can be done, and it is something that can't be fully described. Yet I would not change it for anything nor would my mate, as we know there will be a day when we will have our time together, and never be apart.

[chados]

Be thankful you can meet time to time. You should find all the moments you spend will be a bit more meaningful than any other relationship. Yes it is hard to be away once you have your mate in your arms, but look at the missing you side as proof you are willing to keep on and share as much as you can with your mate. It brings a lot more passion and meaning each month you add in your LDR.

 

Try going past 3 years without meeting... it can be done, and it is something that can't be fully described. Yet I would not change it for anything nor would my mate, as we know there will be a day when we will have our time together, and never be apart.

 

 

that must have been tough. great to hear you worked things out.

[FitChick]

Why can't one of you move closer or both of you move halfway?

 

Long distance relationships are not for clingy, needy people. They are for independent people who know who they are and what they want and won't settle for less out of convenience.

[HeavenOrHell]

I want to reply this properly later, I just wanted to say I'm worried you've made him your whole life rather than focus enough on your life and friends at home, it's never a good idea to make someone your main focus, it's so easily done though I do understand it, but getting to the point all you can think about is them or it starts driving you loopy is not good.

I identify with some of what you said, I'll reply more later.

[TAV]

I agree with HOH; making him your whole world is not a healthy thing. I'm actually glad he seems to be more realistic.

 

You can focus all you want on other people's relationships; how they are together all the time and how you are not but I'm sure you know that those people, despite being together all the time, have their own issues too. No relationship is perfect. Feeling sorry for yourself is not going to do you any good. I suppose you chose to be in this relationship so you also have to work for it and that means dealing with the downsides.

 

I have told you this before and I am going to be harsh and say it again; you are so much in a better position than other people on this LDR forum. You have the chance to see him every weekend. Should both of you have something major happening in your life and you need to be together, he is only a trainride away. You will not have to move to another country when you decide to close the gap. You have so many possibilities to make it work yet you seem to think you don't.

 

I really think this is more an issue of you having some personal problems as in relying on other people for your happiness. What you said about your ex is very telling. That you grew tired of him/your routine but still was happy to see him everyday because that fulfilled a need that you have.

 

If you do not work on these issues you are going to drive your new boyfriend away. You will suffocate him, no matter of the distance.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

that must have been tough. great to hear you worked things out.

 

Well if you feel so deeply about love, sex can be held back, but everything else can be shared in many ways. I have taken my mate places she has never been, and visa versa. We share our deepest feelings and passions to each other by our words, voices and video chat. Even though we don't do sexual videos, we both know the only proper way is to be there together.

 

Some peeps feel it can be a waste of time year after year never having a relationship be face to face. But we both have a full and everlasting one that we both never had before, strange as it seems.

 

If anything being able to meet and touch each other, would end our LDR. In that we'd never let each other go unless one of us stays put. LOL!

[justwhoiam]

Finding the distance very, very difficult now

 

I do think you're quite clingy. Obviously he deals with not being with you a lot better than you do when you're without him by your side. The path was traced already, since the start. You were initiating most of the time, and not giving him chances to pursue you, like any guy should do. I mean, that's in principle.

 

Regarding not making anyone your focus, well, I guess that's kind of BS. Most women make a man their everything when they're in love. But we must draw a line, when that becomes unhealthy/sickening. And you might be borderline on that.

 

Anyway, you don't know how long you can endure the situation. I'd say for as long as you make it happen. Make a list of things that would help you deal with the distance. Like: we talk on the phone just twice a week, we should make it once a day. Or anything else that comes to mind.

Then, next time you meet him, you talk about all that, and see how far he's ready to go. And you draw your own conclusions.

 

Love is blind, but you also need to have a balance in your life, and if your balance is at stake because of the situation with him, then you need to rethink things carefully.

[chados]

Well if you feel so deeply about love, sex can be held back, but everything else can be shared in many ways. I have taken my mate places she has never been, and visa versa. We share our deepest feelings and passions to each other by our words, voices and video chat. Even though we don't do sexual videos, we both know the only proper way is to be there together.

 

Some peeps feel it can be a waste of time year after year never having a relationship be face to face. But we both have a full and everlasting one that we both never had before, strange as it seems.

 

If anything being able to meet and touch each other, would end our LDR. In that we'd never let each other go unless one of us stays put. LOL!

 

 

haha yeah i kinda feel like this too. sometimes you just meet this person that you like from the start and you become so close that its almost impossible to leave them even if you dont see the person as much as you would want to. i think for a lot of people its a problem. but there are those that appreciate the time together much more then you would by seeing them every day.

[Sponge_Cake]

Have you talked about closing the distance or is he happy as things are? What are his expectations of the relationship?

 

Yes we have spoken about closing the distance, as soon as he finds a full time job (he's currently looking) we are going to move in together. The plan is for me to move up there because I like his area so much and I've had enough of mine.

[Sponge_Cake]

Why can't one of you move closer or both of you move halfway?

 

Long distance relationships are not for clingy, needy people. They are for independent people who know who they are and what they want and won't settle for less out of convenience.

 

That is the plan.

I am clingy and needy but I also don't like settling for someone because it's easy. So it's a bit of both.