Am I right to be thinking about breaking up?

[124566]

I found out after moving in with my girlfriend in her country she had contact with a male "friend" that I never knew about..

 

After 8 months long-distance I moved in with my girlfriend in her country.

One time she left home she left facebook open on my laptop and I saw that she had like 5000 messages with one dude or it was more and never heard of him, so I started snooping.

 

She asked him multiple times out, but only as friends but it never happened.

But the big deal here is the guy says he have a crush on her and don't want to be friends

and still she is pursuing a friendship??

I asked her one time have you male friends (we were talking about her friends)

And she says only old males married and with a family. And then I find out she has him as friend the whole relationship.( I don't know if I can call it real-friendship they never met and he was not interested in a friendship).but talked much on facebook

and they were talking romantic before I think but never had a relationship.

and I am brad pit compared to him he is really ugly and normal i am verry humble:laugh:

 

And the guy was really disrespecting.

 

Like she says I have problems in my relationship I have never been in love before it is difficult

 

and he says everything is better with me,

 

and she ask how is your girlfriend ( changing the subject).

 

I really don't know what to think about this I feel little cheated on and disguised.

 

I know she never cheated because the whole conversation she called him friend and turned down his flirting. But still this is not right

 

he:what I feel for you is real

she:only friends, I believe in friendship

 

she:do you want to meet sunday

he: not possible I have exams

he: I just want one change with you

She: Don't say things like this i am married

he:liar

she: oke not married but soon i want that we can trust each other.

 

I don't think she cheated on me with him

But she never told me about their friendship (I feel she kept it away from me)

And why does she need him as friend???

 

When i try to talk about it she thinks we are fighting and start crying (she is sensitive)

And make up bull**** stories like we were only playing (wut) i never had the intention to meet him.... first she told me she wanted to go play volleyball with him.

 

I don't understand why she makes bull**** stories and is so emotional

I don't accuse her of cheating I only ask her to explain her self why she needed to meet him or be friends with him.. But we already talked like 10 times about it but never she explains it good. and she says are you going to talk about this when we have children when will you stop. And says I always starts our fights with that subject

while i am always calm and never say things in a offensive way......

or she says i am going to sleep by my sister (lives in the same street)

and i was like wtf i told her you need to calm down you are acting like I am aggressive.

and she says it is my fault and after 5 minutes she starts to calm down and start kissing me and says i am the best man ever and we have nice sex but still........

 

and i know she cares about me she traveled 40 hours total with the bus to pick me up.

and take good care of me. and one time she couldn't find me she starts crying because she was afraid i was hurt

( we are living in a dangerous place especially for white)

 

so what do I need to think about this

Edited July 15, 2014 by 124566

[umirano]

Doesn't look good. How old is she? How old are you? Moving countries after 8 months of LDR is ambitious...

 

• The last lines in your post indicate she's blame shifting, i.e. making you feel guilty for even bringing it up.
  
• 5000 messages is unhealthy.I exchanged messages in that order of magnitude with girls that became my serious girlfriends.
  
• Are you about to get married? Step on the brake.
  

[OnlyHonesty]

In my oppinion, you aren't right for thinking about breaking up with her, you should have already done it.

 

The trust has been broken, she is keeping you on the hook while she draws her line attempting to fish in another persons pond. You are her backup and her second choice, the other guy is who she truly wants.

 

Get out and find someone who can be trusted. You are lucky you discovered this redflag, others aren't so 'lucky'.

 

If you brush this redflag underneath the carpet, you will regret it in time and will think back to this moment wishing you took the appropriate action.

 

You think she cares for you but you could be wrong. It's more likely she cares about what you can poitentially provide her in the long term so she is guarding this. It's easy to mistake that for her caring for you.

 

I repeat, remain with this woman and you will regret it. Marry this woman and you will regret it. Remain in contact with this woman and you will regret it.

 

All is my oppinion but remember my words.

Edited July 16, 2014 by OnlyHonesty

[TAV]

I agree with the other posters that maturity is definitely an issue here. I would not be happy if I made most of the sacrifices (move countries) and find out that my bf had some fidelity issues.

 

On the other hand we are talking about the past (I hope?) in which she probably had moments in which she doubted that you and her would ever have a future (promises are only words after all) and in which she felt lonely/lacking attention. It is not very nice that she felt she could not discuss her feelings with you but felt the need to keep this 'safe option' dangling.

 

Since you uprooted your whole life and this was probably only an issue pre-moving, I'd have a really good talk with her about boundaries etc., see if she is willing to take responsibility for her actions after all and give her another chance.

 

If she screws up again you can still burn all your bridges but I trust you would not move countries for just anyone and really care(d) for this girl so don't give up at the first hurdle.

[124566]

mmm I am still confused about this i mean she could easily cheat with him but never did and always turned his advances down so I don't think she prefer him.

and she travelled 40 hours for me and is lying to her family about living together with me..

 

I left many things away because I was mad but I am not protecting her what she did was wrong and she lied to me about it.... so i am not thinking about marrying her or spending my life with her I am even to young to marry (i am 18 she 22)

 

But when I say what you did is wrong and i think it is cheating.

 

she says i did nothing wrong i always said i had a boyfriend and always said I was interested in a friendship. (but why does she need him as friend mmmmm.)

 

and she says to me in south america is normal to have male friends

and i say there is a difference between a male friend and some one who is intrested in you.

 

and i still don't know why she needed him as friend

maybe as back-up guy

 

and she already toke responsibility without asking me when i told about the guy she was talking with she told me it is not what it looks like and day later she deleted her facebook and stopped all her contact with male friends and stopped going out to clubs.

mmm

 

When I found out i was acting like i was leaving her so she don't do this **** again in the future.

and she was scared and pannicking

 

and it is true she never met him or had the intentions because she tells him like meet next month, and then at next month i see this

 

she: i saw you too

he:where at blalblabla?

she:yes

 

he:why didn't you greet me

she: you didn't greet me

 

or message like this

 

he:do you want to go to blablabla

she:douchebag (orsomething like that)

he:??

she:you know what i mean

he:no

she:always behave as friends

 

she tells me she talks about meeting but never does or try to do it

when i ask why should you do that it doesn't make sense

she says sometimes i do it with other friends too

i am like 0__0

 

I am confused to if what she did is really wrong she always put down his flirting

and tells things like it is my boyfriends birthday

or tell him that shares her account with me so he stop flirting.

or says he makes me happy.

 

but still it is wrong and how she react is idiot

if she just told me in the begin i dont have many friends i just wanted a friend and i never met him and always put his flirting down.

 

I didn't make a big deal about it

 

but what she does is start crying and talking nonsense maked it a problem because now i have the feeling she is making a scene so i stop talking about it

 

and when i tell her why are you crying i am calm and then she says it hurts when you love somebody and is thinking bad about me............. trying to guilt trip me or something but she cries really fast

 

like one time we needed to pay rent and it was much or something

she started crying and i dont know what it was about and she says something awfull

then i ask her what maybe typ it on a laptop is that is easier

and then i read what she typed and it says we need to pay the rent and it is much

i was like who starts crying about that and i started to make worried about her

 

but other she has her **** together she has a really good job and has gone to college is rare here.

and she loves working and is ambitious. I am only have a high school degree make less then her and she bassicly take care of me.

Edited July 16, 2014 by 124566

[justwhoiam]

One time she left home she left facebook open on my laptop

Ok, maybe she forgot about it and left without logging off. Maybe not. Maybe she left it there on purpose. Have you ever thought of that possibility? What purpose I'm not sure of.

 

I saw that she had like 5000 messages with one dude or it was more and never heard of him, so I started snooping.

Well, she didn't tell you she was chatting with some guy, and you shouldn't have been snooping.

 

She asked him multiple times out, but only as friends but it never happened.

From all that you told us about him, she doesn't seem to be attracted to him. But she's used to talking to him. Maybe he kept her company, while you were not available.

My random thoughts:

1) She never talked about him with you one single time in 8 months. That sounds bad. How spaced out were the conversations? Once a day or more? Once a week? Once a month? Or?

2) She openly turned him down. She might not consider him as a friend because he refused to meet her. So maybe she just wants to turn the online conversation into a real friendship. Hence, she didn't include him in her friends' list, when you asked. There's also another point to be made. How many people in LDRs have been questioned about their relationship and they had a hard time talking about it... guess if it's just about a virtual friendship. Maybe she wants to make sure about him before calling him a friend.

 

and they were talking romantic before I think but never had a relationship.

You think? Were they flirting or not? What exactly?

 

And the guy was really disrespecting.

 

she says I have problems in my relationship I have never been in love before it is difficult

Is she telling this guy she has problems with you? And what are those problems? This should be a major concern for you.

 

she ask how is your girlfriend

So, he has a girlfriend too.

 

And why does she need him as friend???

Are you complaining about this guy specifically? Or why should she have a male friend?

 

bull**** stories like we were only playing (wut) i never had the intention to meet him.... first she told me she wanted to go play volleyball with him.

Go figure. Who can know what is true and what not. She might have the best intentions, but apparently she was constantly chatting with him and never told you about him. Have you checked if she dropped you because she was talking to him? Or cut you off because he was on, or she was busy with him?

 

and i know she cares about me she traveled 40 hours total with the bus to pick me up.

and take good care of me. and one time she couldn't find me she starts crying because she was afraid i was hurt

( we are living in a dangerous place especially for white)

 

so what do I need to think about this

You need to talk to her about this in a final way. Which means no more bringing it up every chance you get, but you tell her the famous "We got to talk" or "we need to talk" or whatever. She will understand you want to discuss matters through. Once you do that, do not bring up the subject anymore.

 

You ask her:

1) if she's still talking to him

2) if she wants to go on talking to him

3) you tell her that you're not happy with her talking to some unknown guy about personal stuff that you don't even know of, and who has a girlfriend but still trying to pursue her

4) you hear what she has to say

5) then you decide if you want to leave or stay

[leavesonautumn]

You made such a huge move just to be with her. You obviously love her and care about her a lot. Honestly, she's acting pretty sketchy. She could be using him for attention but why would she need to if you live with her?

 

Want to know what I did when I had a boyfriend and a guy friend kept hitting on me? I told him that he didn't respect me when I asked him to stop being inappropriate and then completely blocked him out of my life. One time an ex of mine had left his facebook open and yeah, I looked at his messages with his ex. I was visting him because he lives in another city and apparently she was there at the same time and planning to meet up while he told me he was in school. Not sure if they did but the relationship ended after that.

 

In my opinion, it's unfair to ask someone to stop being friends with someone else but in this case, it just seems weird.

 

Time to have a talk with her.

[124566]

You made such a huge move just to be with her. You obviously love her and care about her a lot. Honestly, she's acting pretty sketchy. She could be using him for attention but why would she need to if you live with her?

 

Want to know what I did when I had a boyfriend and a guy friend kept hitting on me? I told him that he didn't respect me when I asked him to stop being inappropriate and then completely blocked him out of my life. One time an ex of mine had left his facebook open and yeah, I looked at his messages with his ex. I was visting him because he lives in another city and apparently she was there at the same time and planning to meet up while he told me he was in school. Not sure if they did but the relationship ended after that.

 

In my opinion, it's unfair to ask someone to stop being friends with someone else but in this case, it just seems weird.

 

Time to have a talk with her.

 

This all happened when I was in another country now i am with her she doesn't have contact with any other male and things are going good.

she basically always told him to stop being anpropitiate and says she only wanted to be friends. and always shut him down but she never broke contact with him and still keeps talking.. that is what makes me pissed of a good girlfriend will block him

[124566]

Ok, maybe she forgot about it and left without logging off. Maybe not. Maybe she left it there on purpose. Have you ever thought of that possibility? What purpose I'm not sure of.

 

Well, she didn't tell you she was chatting with some guy, and you shouldn't have been snooping.

 

From all that you told us about him, she doesn't seem to be attracted to him. But she's used to talking to him. Maybe he kept her company, while you were not available.

My random thoughts:

1) She never talked about him with you one single time in 8 months. That sounds bad. How spaced out were the conversations? Once a day or more? Once a week? Once a month? Or?

2) She openly turned him down. She might not consider him as a friend because he refused to meet her. So maybe she just wants to turn the online conversation into a real friendship. Hence, she didn't include him in her friends' list, when you asked. There's also another point to be made. How many people in LDRs have been questioned about their relationship and they had a hard time talking about it... guess if it's just about a virtual friendship. Maybe she wants to make sure about him before calling him a friend.

 

You think? Were they flirting or not? What exactly?

 

And the guy was really disrespecting.

 

Is she telling this guy she has problems with you? And what are those problems? This should be a major concern for you.

 

So, he has a girlfriend too.

 

Are you complaining about this guy specifically? Or why should she have a male friend?

 

Go figure. Who can know what is true and what not. She might have the best intentions, but apparently she was constantly chatting with him and never told you about him. Have you checked if she dropped you because she was talking to him? Or cut you off because he was on, or she was busy with him?

 

and i know she cares about me she traveled 40 hours total with the bus to pick me up.

and take good care of me. and one time she couldn't find me she starts crying because she was afraid i was hurt

( we are living in a dangerous place especially for white)

 

so what do I need to think about this

 

I am 100% sure she forgot to log it off and it was not meant for my eyes.

and I know they talked romantic because he told her are our future plans still going on when she started dating me.

and she told him I don’t know I am sorry (we can be friends or something like that)

 

When she arrived in her country she talked much to him more then me maybe but there is a time difference.

But later in our relationship. She talked to him i think every week or less he even says why are you ignoring me why dont you want to talk with me. and she responds with only friends

 

 

 

and other factor is it is not safe here the first days i was here i had a gun put in my mouth and got robbed. so I feel safe with her

 

and i am complaining about that guy specifily i already knew she had older guy-friends she told me and I never found that a problem.

because they have a family and are not disrespecting the relationship.

 

but i am 100% sure she chose me over the other guy but i was working my ass of and then i found this out and i already told her clearly

 

if something like this happens again i will leave her and never talk to her again and that there are many other females on this planet.

and I tried many times to have the end talk with her but it always end up in a fight.

 

And i still have big parts of the conversation stored on my computer maybe i can post some parts (ofcourse with the names removed)

Edited July 16, 2014 by 124566

[leavesonautumn]

It's not about her being a good girlfriend. It's about being a decent human being and understanding boundaries. If she knows you feel comfortable about what they talk about and how much contact they have then she should respect that. It's not like you're asking her to let go of a good friend. It's someone who doesn't respect her or her wishes but for some reason keeps him around.

[TAV]

Wait... You live together without her parents' knowledge, in a country where it's common that white folks get robbed at gunpoint and you have no job or prospects? I hope your own parents know where you are and what you are doing?

 

Sorry to sound like a mom (but I am one, that is why...)

[124566]

Wait... You live together without her parents' knowledge, in a country where it's common that white folks get robbed at gunpoint and you have no job or prospects? I hope your own parents know where you are and what you are doing?

 

Sorry to sound like a mom (but I am one, that is why...)

 

 

Well I have a job sort of I make websites and program and do other stuff for people in my country digital, but stuff got stolen out of my bagage my laptop cash,debit cards and other vital stuff. so i have finicial problems now

 

And the reason i go to her country is not only her, i was depressed at home i got kicked out of highschool because of a disease (what is over now luckly)

Then i was going to something lower then college for 1 year but (school system work here different I don't know how to explain it) it was too easy and I felt wasting my life .

and i am in love with this woman and i tought maybe if i go here it will have a good impact on my life and my mom was like, oke see you later.

 

And I didn't saw it coming that she was shady...... and my family don't care much about me and I was pretty lonely in my home country so the idea somebody loves me was pretty nice. And if you are depressed for a long time and you get a change to change everthing you will think like, why not

 

The problem now is I don't know if she was acting shady and she betrayed me

or she had no bad intentions and was lonely and just needed somebody to talk too

 

It really drives me nuts

Edited July 16, 2014 by 124566