Is he worth it? Should I wait? How long is too long? (Very long post)

[SakuraBreeze]

Hello, everyone. I've never posted anything like this anywhere, but I really need some advice on my current relationship situation. My family and friends really aren't much help since they've never gone through something like this, so I guess the people of the Internet are the next best thing, right?

This is an extremely long one, so I VERY MUCH appreciate anyone taking the time to read through it. I don't expect anyone to, but just in case, here goes.

 

I am a 23 year old female and my boyfriend of nearly 3 years (November 8th is our "anniversary") is 24, nearly 25. I was born and raised in Indiana and he is from Hong Kong, China. 3 years ago we met at our university (obviously he was studying abroad) when we had a class together. Immediately our relationship took off and we began dating within a matter of days! Also, I should probably mention that neither of us had been in a relationship before.

 

From the time I met him, he always said that he wanted to find a job in the US after graduation, so he could live and work here. However, once he did graduate, he never REALLY tried to find a job, yet still insisted that's what he wanted to do. He said time and time again that he didn't want to go back to Hong Kong (dirty, crowded, hard to have a car, etc) and loved life in the US way more. I tried to help him find potential jobs and he said he would try, but he never put in any real effort. Because he couldn't find a job, he had to return to Hong Kong.

 

We were together in the city of our university up until last August, when his student visa ran out. From the time we met until the day he left, hardly ever did we argue and we never really had any fights. We are both extremely laid-back and non-confrontational people and our personalities just seem to fit together perfectly. We spent about a year living together, got along extremely well, and enjoyed it very much. We enjoy a lot of the same things, but also enjoy learning from each other. When we are together, we have so much fun and we can make almost anything enjoyable. He has done so much for me and I’m so grateful.

 

A while before he left, he told me that he knew I was the one for him and asked me to marry him. It wasn't an official proposal, as there was no ring or anything, but I know he was 150% serious. And I agreed. I know it may sound crazy and that most people need to meet at least a few other people before settling down, but for so long I've felt like he was "the one", if there is such a thing.

He said that he would absolutely try his best to find a job (in the US) and come back. In the meantime, he was going to work at his parents' company (a VERY small company) to save some money, since he wouldn't have any sorts of payments to make while living at his parents' home.

 

The following 5 months passed and we didn't do so well with the long-distance relationship. We argued a LOT more than we ever had before (which I had expected) and I was very depressed after a while. He was very sad as well, but after a month, he would say things like "It's easy to forget about how sad I am when I hang out with friends, so you shouldn't be so sad and just hang out with people".

Of course, being a brokenhearted girl, I took that as "I'm hanging out with my friends so I can forget about you for a while".

However, I did my best and I thought he was doing so as well. I supported him and let him know that.

 

Fast forward a bit and he and his family invited (and paid for) me to go to Hong Kong and visit for a little more than a month. It was great and we seemed closer than we were before he had left the states. However, I did discover that he had been communicating with an old friend ( a female) on a regular basis. I casually asked him about it and he said they were just “primary school classmates” and that they never did more than text. However, that was a lie because I stumbled across pictures of just the two of them hanging out together. I guess the two of them were hanging out while I was at home in the states and he conveniently left that out. Also, we took a side trip to Japan and he bought an extra box of these fancy chocolates (not cheap!!). When I asked who they were for (more than once), he always named someone different. I KNEW that they were for her in the beginning, but I decided to see how far he would go with it. Eventually, though, after about 2 weeks, I got fed up with it and straight up asked him if they were for her and he admitted they were. He said that she sent him candies from Australia and that he felt he should give her something in return, but that he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me to be upset or angry.

I left Hong Kong at the beginning of March and his relatives in Japan invited us to stay with them for the summer to teach their children English. We had a good time for a while, but then I got suspicious because he would always seem to kind of hide when he was texting or chatting on Facebook. So, I asked him about it and he kept denying that anything was going on. Eventually, I found out he had sent a TON of messages to the SAME GIRL that he had been talking to since August. The messages contained a lot of hearts and kissy faces and some were actually quite hurtful. For example “If I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d definitely date you” and “I’ve always thought you were attractive”. He would call her “my Yuki” and “Yukibabe”. He said it was because her boyfriend broke up with her and she was feeling “unwanted” so he was just trying to make her feel better. He said they were best friends “like brother and sister” and he felt he should help her feel better. However, just a few months before, he told me they were just old schoolmates! Even if that was the case, I don’t think you should say things like that to another guy/girl if you are in a serious relationship with someone else…but, perhaps I’m wrong?

I expressed that I was uncomfortable with him talking to her so much and was upset that he had lied and hid it all from me.

 

If he had been honest and open about it in the first place, I wouldn’t have had a problem. I honestly don’t care if he has female friends and I don’t mind the others that he does have. But, this girl…he acted differently with her. So, he apologized over and over, said he knew it was wrong, and that he wouldn’t talk to her anymore. A month went by, and I was sitting on the bed behind him, glanced over, and he was chatting with her on Facebook, then deleting the messages. He didn’t know I saw him. I later asked if he had talked to her lately, and he said he hasn’t talked to her at all. I told him I knew he was lying and that if he is going to keep doing things like that, then he should just let me go back home. It was a couple of days, but it seemed like things were resolved and I decided to give him another chance.

 

Fast forward again, we both returned to our home countries, a month passed, and things seemed to be going great! He was looking for jobs supposedly and saying he wanted me to help him look for jobs near my hometown. One day I logged on to his Facebook (we use each other’s accounts to send game lives to each other XD) and he had left up his chat window with, guess who? Yuki. The SAME girl that he talked to all those other times. I was FURIOUS and to make it worse, he continued to lie about communicating with her. It turned into a big fight and we nearly broke up. I had trusted him COMPLETELY up until the incidents with her, and the last time completely shattered any trust I had in him. He begged for one more chance to prove himself, he sent flowers, made a storybook about our time together, asking for my forgiveness. Again, I decided to give him another shot.

 

A couple of months ago, we were talking and I was asking him about his plans/job and if he had come up with anything about our situation. He then revealed to me that he had been thinking for over 6 months that maybe he doesn’t want to come back to the US at all, and maybe he wants to stay in Hong Kong. He then told me that I “should move to Hong Kong”, that way he doesn’t have to leave his family.

 

For over a year, here I was thinking that he was planning to come back, only to find out half of the time, he was just telling me that because he didn’t want me “to be mad or upset". He said that he feels like he “would have nothing” if he came to the US, and couldn’t get or buy anything he wanted, because things in Hong Kong are so cheap. Basically, the “things” he was talking about were anime/video game action figures. As for myself, I LOVE action figures and collectables, too! But…saying you would have “nothing” because you can’t get tons of cheap figures is a little over-the-top, in my opinion. I have no problem with such hobbies, since I love the same things. Video games, collectables, comics, etc.

 

The thing is, I have 2, maybe 3 more years of dental school remaining, I can’t speak a word of Chinese (he didn’t want to teach me), and I am from a small town. Hong Kong is great for visiting, but honestly, living there permanently would feel like a prison. He lived in the US for over 5 years and said to me, his friends, and his family that he wanted to live here! He said that if he ever had kids, he hoped that they could grow up in the US. But after going back, he was the opposite.

 

We talked more about it and he said he didn’t mean any of those things and that he is just stressed and upset. He did get a job at a Japanese company, so I understand the stress that comes with a new job, of course, and I have been letting him know that I’m proud of him and that I support his hard work.He recently told me that another reason for not wanting to come back is that he says he feels like he owes his parents for paying for his schooling, and that he should stay with/near them in order to repay them…

 

I feel like maybe he’s gotten used to being in Hong Kong, living with his parents again, and not having really any responsibilities. He has no bills, no payments of any kind, his parents hand him money when he needs it, and his mother cooks and buys all of the food/groceries/necessities. I understand completely that it would be hard for him to leave his parents, but I really don’t think that’s the main reason. It seems that he doesn’t really know how to function in the real world or deal with the stresses and responsibilities that come with being an adult. He’s never had to work for anything in his life and is an only child.

 

He’s always saying “Just wait and see what happens” about EVERYTHING. Our relationship, jobs, etc. It’s like he expects answers and solutions to just fall out of the sky. As for me, I have a younger sister and we were never even close to being as well-off as my boyfriend’s family. We weren’t poor, but I learned that if I want something, I need to work for it. I learned to appreciate what I have, how to manage the money I do have, how to compromise, and I feel like I matured a little earlier than many of my peers. My boyfriend, on the other hand, I get the feeling that he really never grew up and is still kind of a “momma’s boy”, if you will.

 

He said he was thinking to work for 2 years or so in Hong Kong (starting now), then see about coming here... However, I don’t have the energy mentally or even physically to deal with a long distance relationship for that long, without knowing that eventually the wait will be worth it. I don’t want to waste half of my 20’s waiting for someone that is never going to come. I made it clear that I can’t wait for 2 years. Even still, he says he loves me more than anything and that he doesn’t want a future without me. He said that it’s hard to “pick” between me and his parents because we both are equally important in his life.

 

I’m not trying to make him “pick” between me and his family. I do not want him to come here so I don’t have to leave my family. I’m more than willing to move anywhere in the country to be with him, wherever he and I can find work, from California, to Florida, to Maine. I even offered to move to Canada if he wished (he really liked Canada XD). Those places aren’t close to my family either and I wouldn’t be able to see them much either…. Also, I’ve never said that I’m completely against the idea of living in Hong Kong for a while in the future, but for the next 5 years really, I need to stay here to finish my schooling, get some work experience, and save up some money/pay off some school loans. However, if we are to be together, we need to be able to see each other at least more than once a year to maintain and build our relationship.

I’m just not sure what to do. I love him more than anything and he says he feels the same. He would do anything for me, I’m certain of that…anything except be open and honest about his feelings. I know we can't help where we are from, but we met and fell in love by chance. I think that relationships between people from different places are wonderful and that those involved can learn so many new things!

 

I want to be with him, but I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth it. I’ve been feeling so down and depressed about the whole thing and I really don’t sleep well anymore. I had to take a semester off of school last year due to depression. I'm much better than I was, but recently, it all has me pretty down again.

 

He says he feels awful about making me feel so rotten and feels guilty about making me so sad and upset so often. I think he really does mean it.

 

Is it just me, or does a nearly 25 year old guy like this need to grow up a little and put on his big boy pants?

Do I continue to wait for him? Or should I just end it and get on with my life? Do you think it’s worth it? Should I give him more time or has he had enough? How long is too long to wait for someone to decide if they want to be with you or not?

 

Any thoughts, ideas, or advice would be greatly appreciated. If it seems as though I’m the one with the issues, I welcome constructive criticism.

Edited October 24, 2013 by SakuraBreeze
Needed to add to it

[Carenth]

I've read your post (yes all of it). I'm sad to say you may probably be better off ending this relationship if there is no end in sight. It's not a good sign that he is suggesting working another 2 years then "maybe" he will move over.

 

I agree I think he has gotten used to lining back in HK and having his parents provide for him. If neither of you are willing/able to move then this will end up going no where.

 

The fact he has lied to you several times (and tried to cover it up) about this girl is not a great sign either. You have given him several chances to open and honest with you but he chooses to not tell you the truth to avoid you being "upset or mad" I would not be surprised if you waited another 2 years that he would say he still doesn't want to move.

 

I'm in a similar situation I'm from Australia my girlfriend is from Canada. However I'm not going to sit around and let years pass by before I do something. I'm also sick of long distance, thus I'm moving over to be with her next month. If he really wanted to move he would, he would be talking about concrete plans about when he plans to move. Not vague possibilities in the distant future.

 

Not to say he's a horrible person or anything but it is a big thing for a lot of people to up and move their lives else where. People get comfortable and are scared of change and I think that is what may of happened with him. He uses his parents as an excuse, however he could use any excuse not to go. My family are not exactly thrilled I'm moving away, they hope thing go well for me but will miss me terribly.

 

However it is my life and I want to live it. I don't know if this really helps, if I was in your shoes however I could not do longer either. My girlfriend and I are coming up on the two year mark and I've had about enough.

[Els]

I apologize that I haven't had the time to read your entire post, but I did skim through it, and I agree with Carenth for the most part.

 

I mainly wanted to tell you that it's incredibly hard to live in Hong Kong as a Caucasian, though. It does have a better quality of life, less crime, etc than most Asian countries... but frankly that isn't saying much. The big deterrent is that you will be seriously crippled if you don't know Chinese, and it's one of the toughest languages in the world to learn as an adult, mostly because of the strictness with intonation.

 

So yes, I think you should end it. I know 3 years together is a long time, but it won't be a 'waste' if you learn from it and grow from it. Staying together with no end in sight is generally a bad idea at your ages, IMO.

 

Plus the whole thing about the other girl really leaves a bad taste in my mouth.