Broke up because of distance

[bluecrabroll]

Hi guys,

 

I can't believe I'm back here again! Recently met a wonderful girl 1 month before I was bound to move from (San Francisco to Los Angeles) 400 miles away for work. I was always determined to not start any relationship until I moved but she just fell into my lap and we both could not help it.

 

It has been a blissful 3 months. We spent a lot of time together and learned a lot about what we wanted in life (I'm 30, she's 31). We went on trips together and had future plans together. We were always well aware of the fact that I was moving far away and it was going to be an LDR, so we were semi-committed just to test things out and see where things go. Things went really well I believe but it always came back to LDR. I've been through it before so I am ok with it. She wasn't too thrilled but wanted to see.

 

Well its been 1 month of us being away. I have seen her 8 days out of the month as flying and finance aren't issues. By January we would be seeing each other about 14 times a month because of our schedules. Neither of us could move because the relationship was so fresh to begin with.

 

BUT yesterday we spoke and she wanted to end things because the distance was too much for her. She said what we had was amazing and if I were closer things would be different. She wants someone to come home to everyday and that is something I can't do right now (We both work in stressful environments). She does look forward to getting married and settling down and if we did LDR she doesn't see an endpoint to when we would end up together. If the circumstances of our distance change then we can look into the relationship again.

 

It was a nice breakup. We had nothing but good things to say about each other. I could tell it was difficult for her as well. I am pretty saddened by this news but I also want her to be happy in life. I tried to reason with her to give LDR a try and if things got serious in a year we can reassess moving closer cause she may regret not giving it a try someday. But she was adamant about not having a long distance at this point in her life.

 

I've fallen for this girl and I know she is really into me as well. My instinct tells me to fight for her and fly up to see her and convince her and the other half is saying no contact and let her figure things out. She may just forget about me and move on or she may realize what she could be missing out on.

 

It's so hard to give up on something that was a really great beginning to a relationship that got killed by the logistics of distance I am really want to be serious with her and see where things will go. Everyone always say there are many locals to date but I'm at an age where I want to settle down as well and it's hard to swallow letting her go.

 

Any thoughts or tips on how to proceed? I need some perspective. I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about the distance right now.

 

Thanks.

[CherryT]

I wish my Fiance and I only had 400 miles between us.

 

3 months is a brief relationship and she assessed how much she was into you compared to how much she is willing to endure for you. It sounds like she outweighed the long distance struggles and her feelings for you and she came to the conclusion that it wasn't the right relationship to endure the distance for. Hate to say it... but SF/LA is really not that hard. You can fly back and forth every other weekend for a relatively decent price and considering you're both established in your careers. She could fly to you on the weekends you don't go back. You moving back to SF or she moving to LA is not that hard... Try going through immigration processes because you're in different countries.

 

I think you should chalk it up to a good experience. She is someone that you connected with, but she ultimately made a decision that she wasn't willing to endure the distance... with you. I think when someone really wants to be with someone, they'll at least try and make it work. It's not convenient for her and it sounds like she feels bothered by the distance versus wanting to conquer it with you. You're in a new city and I think you should have some fun meeting people.

[FitChick]

If she is in SF, she will have a much harder time finding someone, since the majority of men are gay and the ones who aren't get the 'pick of the litter.' You, on the other hand, will have a much easier time finding attractive women in LA. She might change her mind. Don't wait for her, date around so that when she comes back you will have a better idea of what you are really looking for. It may or may not be her.

[HeavenOrHell]

>I have seen her 8 days out of the month as flying and finance aren't issues. By January we would be seeing each other about 14 times a month because of our schedules.<

 

Wow, I would be so happy to see my partner this often. 14 times a month is more than some local couples get to see each other

 

>It's so hard to give up on something that was a really great beginning to a relationship that got killed by the logistics of distance<

 

Tell me about it, I've been in one for 3 1/2 years we've split over distance more than once. I see him every 6-10 weeks. It's painful when you still love each other but the distance tears you apart, it's really quite horrible.

 

I've no advice, sorry, other than I think she's making a mistake if the r/ship means that much to her and you're seeing each other pretty often, things could be a lot worse. Shame she can't live in the moment and enjoy what you have, and maybe at some point you can live closer.

But some people can't cope with LDR's at all, which is also fair enough.

 

Good luck to you, I wouldn't wish these feelings/frustrations on anybody.

[Tayla]

As uncommon as this may sound, true love does NOT involve space or miles....

that love expands and encompass's those we love. Ask a military spouse ....ask an astronauts spouse...ask anyone whos had to learn that love is more valuable and more intangible that space and time cannot break if you believe.

But alas, some can only beleive a relations exist only in the physicalness....

Rather shallow to think that way of love and a relation...yet there it is for some.

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree love isn't just physical, my love for my partner has lasted this long despite us not being together most of the time, but it's far from shallow to miss your partner and to want to spend more time with them, to cuddle and kiss them and everything else.

I even miss going to the supermarket together

 

 

As uncommon as this may sound, true love does NOT involve space or miles....

that love expands and encompass's those we love. Ask a military spouse ....ask an astronauts spouse...ask anyone whos had to learn that love is more valuable and more intangible that space and time cannot break if you believe.

But alas, some can only beleive a relations exist only in the physicalness....

Rather shallow to think that way of love and a relation...yet there it is for some.

[bluecrabroll]

Thank you everyone for your replies and perspectives. I think the only thing I am going to do now is give it one more try and put my heart out there. I am fully aware of the consequences but as a man I need to pursue the things I want in life if I think they are important or I'll regret it someday.

 

I think for her the physical part is the hardest and I am sure she'll miss me one day after all the lame guys in SF.

 

If she will not see me this weekend then I will proudly walk away and see it as a great experience. Good luck out there to everyone else.

[soccerrprp]

I think the only thing I am going to do now is give it one more try and put my heart out there. I am fully aware of the consequences but as a man I need to pursue the things I want in life if I think they are important or I'll regret it someday.

 

Good luck bluecrabroll!

 

I am at a juncture in my life that I am not willing to give up on something I find extremely important to me. I always feel that the greatest regret is not trying and putting yourself out there 100%! Otherwise, why do it?

 

I am in a LTR right now with a woman that I thought I was going to lose forever. The odds were against us, but I insisted that my only failure would be not to pursue her and let her know how I felt. For me, it worked out far better than I thought it would and we are going strong.

 

Good luck, man.

[bluecrabroll]

Well I had plane tickets to see her this weekend. We talked about it and decided to meet up and have some fun. Well the night before I was packed and ready to go and she changes her mind about seeing me.

 

Wants to have some time to think about things and discuss the possibility of meeting up in the near future. I could tell how much much of a hard time she is having with this and seems very conflicted. She is not sure about anything and not sure what is the right thing to do. Would like to stay friends in the mean time.

 

Where to go from here? Stay friends and risk getting friend-zoned, go no contact or just play things by ear and see where things go... while I just take care of myself at this time. I hate this game of love.

Edited October 21, 2013 by bluecrabroll

[HeavenOrHell]

>I am fully aware of the consequences but as a man I need to pursue the things I want in life if I think they are important or I'll regret it someday. <

 

Same goes for us women

 

Sorry to hear she changed her mind.

If you think she just needs time out to think about things then how about limited contact, so you're there if she wants to talk, but just back off and give her space? I wouldn't go NC just yet.

 

 

 

 

 

Well I had plane tickets to see her this weekend. We talked about it and decided to meet up and have some fun. Well the night before I was packed and ready to go and she changes her mind about seeing me.

 

Wants to have some time to think about things and discuss the possibility of meeting up in the near future. I could tell how much much of a hard time she is having with this and seems very conflicted. She is not sure about anything and not sure what is the right thing to do. Would like to stay friends in the mean time.

 

Where to go from here? Stay friends and risk getting friend-zoned, go no contact or just play things by ear and see where things go... while I just take care of myself at this time. I hate this game of love.

[ThisGal]

If she is in SF, she will have a much harder time finding someone...

 

Didn't know that. I'll be in SF for the first time in a few weeks for vacay (at least I'll be w/ my bf lol).

[ThisGal]

I wish my Fiance and I only had 400 miles between us.

 

3 months is a brief relationship and she assessed how much she was into you compared to how much she is willing to endure for you. It sounds like she outweighed the long distance struggles and her feelings for you and she came to the conclusion that it wasn't the right relationship to endure the distance for. Hate to say it... but SF/LA is really not that hard. You can fly back and forth every other weekend for a relatively decent price and considering you're both established in your careers. She could fly to you on the weekends you don't go back. You moving back to SF or she moving to LA is not that hard... Try going through immigration processes because you're in different countries.

 

I think you should chalk it up to a good experience. She is someone that you connected with, but she ultimately made a decision that she wasn't willing to endure the distance... with you. I think when someone really wants to be with someone, they'll at least try and make it work. It's not convenient for her and it sounds like she feels bothered by the distance versus wanting to conquer it with you. You're in a new city and I think you should have some fun meeting people.

 

I was thinking the same. The distance for them isn't too bad, yeah long distance can suck but you both are in the same state! I'm 12 hours away from my b/f (different states/coast) and we're still making it work a year and some months later. We ave a wonderful relationship and see each other every 1-2 months which can be difficult. Both people have to really want to make the relationship work and are willing to because they love each other. But to give up now says she doesn't think you're worth fighting for to be honest. Especially since it was such a great relationship as you mentioned.

 

She canceled seeing you at the last minute after you've already purchased your flight....I think you should do the no contact really. Because the more you talk to her the more you'll just be torturing yourself, your feelings for her will only grow...while she will still be indecisive and will continue to lead you on (not intentionally) but her not wanting to give long distance a fair shot and her whispering sweet nothings in your ear will only play head games with you.

 

Do the no-contact and just move on. No point of a friendship at this point with someone you have strong feelings for and you're looking for a long term committed relationship. Try other women in LA. Value the time shared between you and her but now it's time to move on. Se's not going to change her mind. Let er come around. You've done all you could. GL!

[Tayla]

I agree love isn't just physical, my love for my partner has lasted this long despite us not being together most of the time, but it's far from shallow to miss your partner and to want to spend more time with them, to cuddle and kiss them and everything else.

I even miss going to the supermarket together

 

My pardons that it was received inaccurately. Perhaps clarity in that its some folks belief that if they are out of sight, they are out of mind. So I simply meant that love and that person transcend that level.

 

Absolutely , spending quality time together is a nutrient to the relation. Never said it wasn't. Intimacy thru sharing is indeed a positive component.

[nomadic_butterfly]

As uncommon as this may sound, true love does NOT involve space or miles....

that love expands and encompass's those we love. Ask a military spouse ....ask an astronauts spouse...ask anyone whos had to learn that love is more valuable and more intangible that space and time cannot break if you believe.

But alas, some can only beleive a relations exist only in the physicalness....

Rather shallow to think that way of love and a relation...yet there it is for some.

 

How is this shallow? I mean in this particular instance this girl sees him as often as some people do when they are in the same town. It isn't just about physicalities it's about how if you are really hands on and enjoy the presence of the one you love, you don't want it to be marginalized. It's not just about physical intimacy. That is a very judgmental perspective. Different people have a different tolerance for difference things. Long distance are not as common as regular relationships where you see each other often and it can be too difficult for some people.

 

I am trying to see if this long distance thing with visa complexities is going to work but honestly when we met online he initially was suppose to be here within a 5 month time frame. I was busy getting settled back into the US so it was fine then but now that I am settled its tough. I recently started dating/exploring my options with others 10months later and will until we meet in the flesh but one deal breaker for me now is someone whose career might take them somewhere else/ not settled in their career like this nice guy I met recently. I don't want to get into that situation especially since my long term career/business plans are specific to only 3 places in the US.

Edited October 29, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly

[Els]

Honestly, if it's only been one month (with EIGHT days together!!!) and she's giving up already... it probably wasn't meant to be. I can understand people saying that everything else is amazing and they were breaking up over distance, if it had been years of very infrequent visits with no end in sight. If you're breaking up after 1 month seeing each other several times... it wasn't really the distance that did you in, IMO.

 

Take care of yourself, stay strong, move on.

[Cora]

I'm so sorry things didn't work out. Sometimes the hardest thing is to let go of something/someone you hold dear to your heart. It is ultimately your choice to fight for her or let go. There is no right or wrong answer. You just have to do what you feel in your heart is best and have no regrets about it.

 

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.

[bluecrabroll]

Thanks guys. We have been talking and keeping in touch. I always get the best compliments but they do something opposite. This week however she has not been returning my calls and seldom replies to my texts. It's so weird how the 180 happens instantaneously. I wonder if its a conscious decision to make or not.

 

Either way I think I've exhausted all my efforts and I can only take so much more of a beating on my dignity. All this for a girl 400 miles away who doesn't want to make it work.

 

I'll give it until this weekend to hear from her. If not then it is time for me to move on. Even so I just can't deal with this game anymore and going to draw the line. No more waiting for fighting for her. As for being friends that will happen sometime down the line but I need to go heal.

 

Thanks again everyone for the good thoughts and wishes.

[CherryT]

Thanks guys. We have been talking and keeping in touch. I always get the best compliments but they do something opposite. This week however she has not been returning my calls and seldom replies to my texts. It's so weird how the 180 happens instantaneously. I wonder if its a conscious decision to make or not.

 

Either way I think I've exhausted all my efforts and I can only take so much more of a beating on my dignity. All this for a girl 400 miles away who doesn't want to make it work.

 

I'll give it until this weekend to hear from her. If not then it is time for me to move on. Even so I just can't deal with this game anymore and going to draw the line. No more waiting for fighting for her. As for being friends that will happen sometime down the line but I need to go heal.

 

Thanks again everyone for the good thoughts and wishes.

 

Don't give her the weekend. Start healing now. She shouldn't eat up anymore of your time. When you find the girl who's willing to work at the relationship as much if not more than you, you'll see that this girl doesn't hold light to her. And that's the kind of girl who deserves your time.

[justwhoiam]

she wanted to end things because the distance was too much for her. She said what we had was amazing and if I were closer things would be different.

Don't buy that. She genuinely thinks that, but she should know better. Consider the LDR as a test on how someone would face difficulties in life. You saw the outcome. And it was just one month! She left you after one month. What kind of marriage material would she be? You can guess. She's not head over heels in love with you, that's for sure.

 

I guess she will end up with someone just to get married and have children and it probably won't last long. But you never know.

 

the night before I was packed and ready to go and she changes her mind about seeing me.

Unreliable. Guess if you were flying across the ocean and she was doing that to you for no reason after mutual agreement to meet up confirmed the day before. Oh well, you needed it. I don't care how hard it is, you meet someone for the last time and wish them farewell or take the last pictures together.

 

Don't contemplate meeting her again. Show her the strong part of you. Go no contact. And if she calls or texts you, don't crawl. Treat her coldly but nicely.

 

I hate this game of love.

Let her play the game on her own with someone else. You need better.