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Not all that excited


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Hey people, so this is my first post. I'm male in my early 20s and I feel very confused about my feelings for my girlfriend. We've been girlfriend and boyfriend for nearly two years. We both love each other, both happy together. We've spent extended amounts of time together and been fine - but normally see each other every other weekend for 3-4 days at a time (uni etc, sort of LDR)

 

I've read many posts and threads all over the internet about people with similar issues and I feel like what's getting me down is a combination of these things (In no specific order):

 

1. I feel young. I occasionally have episodes of Grass is greener on the other side syndrome. I literally can't help but notice hot girls walking by. I have to make a conscious effort not to look sometimes.

2. I am sure I love her - I get jealous/anxious when she's out without me, the thought of her leaving would make me very sad. She 'gets' me and I haven't really met anyone as chill/compatible as her. She has all the right morals and is so kind and understanding.

3. Her gradual weight gain might be depressing me. I lift 3x a week and eat clean most of the time, while she just complains about her weight and keeps eating crap (I never say anything, although have tried to hint at adopting a more healthy lifestyle/eating habits). I feel like this is affecting our sex life; as I am easily turned off by chubbyness and excess cellulite. Thing is, she is naturally beautiful, has great bone structure etc. There are photos of when she was in better shape. This issue has been ongoing for a year or so. The sex is still decent but just not all that exciting. It definitely used to be. I'm wary of being shallow and having unrealistic expectations. I put a lot of effort into my appearance and I just feel a little hurt that she won't do the same. I think this intensifies what I said in #1.

 

On top of this I have a primal drive I feel like I'm surpressing - the hunt, the game, all of that stuff. My motivation in life just 2 years ago used to be just to get laid a lot. Not knowing which woman I may end up with excited me. HOWEVER, I don't really enjoy going out that much anymore, have started to avoid my 'girl' friends because I just feel guilty that I'm actually attracted to them. In essence I just feel guilty about all these thoughts that keep popping up in my head. I don't want to want anyone else. When I have dreams about other girls (sexual) I feel guilty. I would never hurt this girl or want her to be hurt. She's so sensitive.

 

This all being said I do love her so much and we have such amazing memories I don't want to just throw her out of my life because of grass is greener syndrome and my inexperience in the dating world. She is the kind of person I would marry; she's so good to me and so innocent yet why am I wanting more? :(

 

I want to believe that I am just overthinking things. Maybe something completely unrelated is making me not all that excited about my life. Maybe I have post-uni blues and my relationship is normal and fine? This is my first proper committed relationship. I like the idea of taking it day by day (because I am still young) but these thoughts and cravings don't seem to stop.

 

Advice or further questions or guys/girls who can relate would be really appreciated.

 

N.B The last thing I want to do is let go of someone only to realise that it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. I think I'd regret a breakup.

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Million.to.1

I think you should break-up with her.

 

You said she is "the kind of person you want to marry" not "she is the girl I want to marry"

 

You are both young, and you don't sound ready for a real LTR. Plus you don't sound satisfied with what you have, which is no ones fault, just how is is. I would suggest ending the relationship on good terms, and go do some traveling as a single guy for a year.

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My responses are in bold.

 

2. I am sure I love her - I get jealous/anxious when she's out without me, the thought of her leaving would make me very sad.

There is much more to love than feeling jealous. You obviously do not know what real love is.

 

3. Her gradual weight gain might be depressing me. I lift 3x a week and eat clean most of the time, while she just complains about her weight and keeps eating crap (I never say anything, although have tried to hint at adopting a more healthy lifestyle/eating habits). I feel like this is affecting our sex life; as I am easily turned off by chubbyness and excess cellulite. Thing is, she is naturally beautiful, has great bone structure etc. There are photos of when she was in better shape. This issue has been ongoing for a year or so. The sex is still decent but just not all that exciting. It definitely used to be. I'm wary of being shallow and having unrealistic expectations. I put a lot of effort into my appearance and I just feel a little hurt that she won't do the same. I think this intensifies what I said in #1.

 

You are extremely shallow. Nothing turns me off more than a conceited man. Yuck! It's one thing to care about her health, you want her to get healthy for her own good, that would be great and caring of you. But saying that the way she looks turns you off is much. Worrying about superficial things like cellulite or stress marks (which are extremely normal) is pathetic. In the future if you two were to have a baby you would prob despise her 'baby body.' I'm sure there is some physical attributes about you she may dislike. There is more to life than the way one looks. What's that saying...Looks fade. You're a grown man but clearly lack maturity. It's time for you to grow up! You're no longer a teenager, you're in your 20s for goodness' sakes!

 

My motivation in life just 2 years ago used to be just to get laid a lot. Not knowing which woman I may end up with excited me.

 

Keep up with that and you may end up with an incurable STD. Good luck.

 

 

Do the lady a favor and break up with her, asap! You would be doing her a big disservice if you continue to waste more of her time. You're leading her on and emotionally cheating on her. You've already wasted 2 years of her life. Let her go. She needs to be with someone who sees more than just the physical, someone who will love and protect her heart, who sees the great woman that she is, the caring, beautiful, woman, with extra weight and after she loses her weight. I get it, we all are vain in some ways but there comes a point in time when we see more from those who care about us.

Edited by ThisGal
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I think you should break-up with her.

 

You said she is "the kind of person you want to marry" not "she is the girl I want to marry"

 

You are both young, and you don't sound ready for a real LTR. Plus you don't sound satisfied with what you have, which is no ones fault, just how is is. I would suggest ending the relationship on good terms, and go do some traveling as a single guy for a year.

 

Thanks for the replies! I know I didn't say she was the girl but so far she's the best I've met and I also mentioned I'd regret the breakup. The thought of her still being at uni shagging other dudes absolutely kills me.

 

To the lady above, no, I don't know what real love is. If you could define it that'd be great. Yeah, I'm turned off by fat but I forgot to say that she is making a real effort now in the gym and with her food.

 

Are you both saying there is nothing salvageable in this relationship? I don't lie to her (except about the weight thing). For me to have even found someone I said I could marry is surely rare and I should work on seeing things differently? Is it possible to change my own views with enough willpower. Like I said I don't want to want anyone else.

 

Lately I think I've had mild depression and anxiety, could how I feel be a result of this or do people find depression doesn't affect being in love?

 

I really don't wanna be a classic example of that guy who lives in regret.

 

Forgive me please for all the questions but I've read a lot here and you all seem like wise experienced people.

 

Thank you

Edited by OliverF
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Break up with her. From what you have written I don't feel you are actually in love with her . You describe her as the best you have found "yet". If my partner described me as that I would be bloody insulted.

 

To me that says you are only hanging around until something else comes your way. Which to me suggests you have already checked out of this relationship emotionally but you are also eyeing other girls as well.

 

At this point I think it would be pretty selfish to continue this relationship. You are beginning to resent her for the way she looks. Even though you now say she is actually trying quite hard to eat more healthy and go to the gym you described her as this in your opening post.

 

while she just complains about her weight and keeps eating crap (I never say anything, although have tried to hint at adopting a more healthy lifestyle/eating habits).

 

This to me suggests you think she is lazy and unattractive yet you stay because she is the "best you have gotten thus far". All the reasons you have listed as to why you don't want to break up seem incredibly selfish as well. More like "I can't stand the thought she might be happy with someone else whilst I may end up alone". Let her go and do what you want to do which is play the field.

 

From the sounds of it though it sounds like you don't love you girlfriend anymore and want to move on but are afraid to do so unless you have something else lined up. Which I don't think is fair at all. Also I'm sorry if I sound overly harsh I don't think you are a bad person, albeit quite a shallow one, however that alone does not make a bad person. I just think you need to be honest with yourself and that is that this relationship is not for you anymore.

 

Depression I don't know about that then again I'm not a doctor. All I can speak of is my experience with depression as being an all consuming black hole that lead me on a path of self destruction for the better part of two years. If you honestly think you have depression go talk to your doctor about it.

 

I'm glad I have a girlfriend who loves me for who I am flaws and all. During my depression I put on a lot of weight, I lost it all again within a year and a half and have being about 80 kg for the last 5 years. However I have stretch marks that I will probably have for the rest of my life as a result. I'm pretty self conscious about it however my girlfriend says I'm fine just the way I am. I'm sure your girlfriend is self conscious about her weight and can probably tell you don't approve.

Edited by Carenth
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Break up with her. From what you have written I don't feel you are actually in love with her . You describe her as the best you have found "yet". If my partner described me as that I would be bloody insulted.

 

To me that says you are only hanging around until something else comes your way. Which to me suggests you have already checked out of this relationship emotionally but you are also eyeing other girls as well.

 

At this point I think it would be pretty selfish to continue this relationship. You are beginning to resent her for the way she looks. Even though you now say she is actually trying quite hard to eat more healthy and go to the gym you described her as this in your opening post.

 

 

 

This to me suggests you think she is lazy and unattractive yet you stay because she is the "best you have gotten thus far". All the reasons you have listed as to why you don't want to break up seem incredibly selfish as well. More like "I can't stand the thought she might be happy with someone else whilst I may end up alone". Let her go and do what you want to do which is play the field.

 

From the sounds of it though it sounds like you don't love you girlfriend anymore and want to move on but are afraid to do so unless you have something else lined up. Which I don't think is fair at all. Also I'm sorry if I sound overly harsh I don't think you are a bad person, albeit quite a shallow one, however that alone does not make a bad person. I just think you need to be honest with yourself and that is that this relationship is not for you anymore.

 

Depression I don't know about that then again I'm not a doctor. All I can speak of is my experience with depression as being an all consuming black hole that lead me on a path of self destruction for the better part of two years. If you honestly think you have depression go talk to your doctor about it.

 

I'm glad I have a girlfriend who loves me for who I am flaws and all. During my depression I put on a lot of weight, I lost it all again within a year and a half and have being about 80 kg for the last 5 years. However I have stretch marks that I will probably have for the rest of my life as a result. I'm pretty self conscious about it however my girlfriend says I'm fine just the way I am. I'm sure your girlfriend is self conscious about her weight and can probably tell you don't approve.

 

Thanks. I have my flaws too and things I am self conscious of and she sees right past them. We also makeup after a fight really quickly and talk things through. I really feel like she is special and which is why I said I'd regret a breakup. My reasons for being with her aren't all selfish. I just assumed when I said I love her that also meant I cared for her, have cried for her, and we can talk about anything (other than all this), which means I do realise how rare and special she is and I COULD marry her!

 

I want to try to change the way I think first before breaking it off. I may very well see a doctor first or get counselling. I don't wanna be shallow. Relationships take work right?

 

Just talking about this has helped me to work out how I really feel so thank you all for replying

Edited by OliverF
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To the lady above, no, I don't know what real love is. If you could define it that'd be great. Yeah, I'm turned off by fat but I forgot to say that she is making a real effort now in the gym and with her food.

 

As I said before, to some degree we are all vain, it's human nature. We want what we find attractive; that does not mean we will always get what we want though lol. For instance, I have a certain type of men I like physically, height, looks, etc but my b/f is not exactly that 'type.' He is however, a great, loving man who also happens to be cute, just not the cute I would normally go for. He also had a round belly a year ago when I first met him, and at first I was turned off by it lol, then found it kinda cute when I would rub on it pretending it was a Magic Genie Lamp (yeah, silly I know). I one day told him politely that I worried about his health because removing belly fat can eradicate a lot of potential health issues. So he started to eat better and went to the gym 3X a week and now has abs (believe me I'm not complaining lol)> I also started to eat better and exercise and also look the best I have in a while. We did it for each other as well s ourselves.

 

I didn't give up on him because of a physical 'flaw.' He meant a lot to me and I saw past all of that and saw his heart. I love all of him.

 

I shared that bit of personal info because I want you to know I'm not saying you're an awful person because you're not, you just have needs like everyone else in this world. Men you know as they say are very physical, they go for physical attributes while women are able to rationalize and see a man's heart rather than just the outer shell. Of course this is not all women/all men, not stereotyping but this is predominantly true.

 

I agree with Carenth, I still think you should break up with her. It really does seem like you're keeping her in the back-burner in case someone better comes along. Even after she loses the weight you will find something else about her that bothers you, the extra weight is just a band aid, it only masks the real issue. You're not in love with her but you want to keep her around as an option. It's really unfair to her. You should let her go and date if you'd like but give her time to work on herself. If things happen where you two end back together again, great. But for now, let go of her gently. She deserves to be someone's priority, not option.

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Lately I think I've had mild depression and anxiety, could how I feel be a result of this or do people find depression doesn't affect being in love?

 

I really don't wanna be a classic example of that guy who lives in regret.

Yeah, depression is a serious matter. I've dealt with it. It can affect a lot. However, I don't think that is the root or culprit for your feeling of "not all that excited." I'm no expert but I did study psychology. I get it, you don't want to lose a good woman, but flip the shoe, if you were her wouldn't you want the person you love to be honest with you and not lead you on...?

 

You said you've been together for 2 years, that's the time it usually takes a man to decide if the woman he is with is one he would want to marry. You speak of marriage. "Which means I do realise how rare and special she is and I COULD marry her!" But keep in mind that you're not doing her a favor, you need to realize that marriage is just as serious to her as it is to you. I think sometimes men forget that it's a big deal for women, too! They are saying no to other potential men out there for one man. You're not on a higher pedestal than she is.

 

Again, let her go. Yes, all 'relationships take work' but If shagging other women is heavy on your mind then you need to know that there is much more to life than an orgasm. A strong connection w/ one person beats all of the panties you could collect. And if you want a woman with a 'perfect' body, by all means go find her. But do know that a 'perfect' body does not equate to meeting the inner qualities that are important. If your girlfriend is truly as 'rare and special' as you say she is then give another man a chance to treasure that gem because you have taken her for granted. End the relationship as to not waste more of her time. Good luck!

Edited by ThisGal
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Yeah, depression is a serious matter. I've dealt with it. It can affect a lot. However, I don't think that is the root or culprit for your feeling of "not all that excited." I'm no expert but I did study psychology. I get it, you don't want to lose a good woman, but flip the shoe, if you were her wouldn't you want the person you love to be honest with you and not lead you on...?

 

You said you've been together for 2 years, that's the time it usually takes a man to decide if the woman he is with is one he would want to marry. You speak of marriage. "Which means I do realise how rare and special she is and I COULD marry her!" But keep in mind that you're not doing her a favor, you need to realize that marriage is just as serious to her as it is to you. I think sometimes men forget that it's a big deal for women, too! They are saying no to other potential men out there for one man. You're not on a higher pedestal than she is.

 

Again, let her go. Yes, all 'relationships take work' but If shagging other women is heavy on your mind then you need to know that there is much more to life than an orgasm. A strong connection w/ one person beats all of the panties you could collect. And if you want a woman with a 'perfect' body, by all means go find her. But do know that a 'perfect' body does not equate to meeting the inner qualities that are important. If your girlfriend is truly as 'rare and special' as you say she is then give another man a chance to treasure that gem because you have taken her for granted. End the relationship as to not waste more of her time. Good luck!

 

Well said!

 

OP, there are guys out there that would better appreciate what your gf has to offer and realize she is worth holding on to. You're not feeling that right now it seems. Let someone else have a chance of having a great girl as a partner!

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I disagree that this relationship has wasted her time; I don't think I've given enough information about how good it has been for anyone to make that assumption.

 

Like you said you used to be unattracted to your partner and why can't I accept I'm going through GIGS and change my priorities? Everything I said seems to have been blown a bit out of proportion.

 

I also feel so much better about life today and have had quiet time to think. I don't talk about my feelings often let alone write them down and re-read them so I think most of what I posted was me being a depressed whiny shallow guy. I honestly think something else in my life was getting me down which doesn't get me excited for the future. I think I can change my priorities. I never said the relationship was bad it's just me feeling GIGS. I had a good talk with her about the future and it did begin to get me excited.

 

Thank you all for suggesting breaking up immediately I feel mildly enlightened now. it gave me reason to really think deep about what I want from a relationship and I began to think I'm just looking at single life through rose tinted goggles. I have everything I need from my girl right here.

 

It's okay to want more sometimes I think. I think you can want more from someone but still love them. I know there are things she wants me to work on.

 

I never said neither of us are happy I am just looking for reasons why I may not be looking forward to the future. I don't think the relationship is one of them now.

 

I'm going to work on these issues I have with sexual attraction more. I found love and I'm not throwing it away because I have primal urges to mate with as many females as possible to reproduce. Thank you everyone, but I'm not breaking up!

I choose to be who I want and be the man the deserves and take my own path. What if I believe things could get better

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todreaminblue

the one thing that gets me about losing weight is the men who come out of the woodwork......the looks the comments.......by men who would not have given me a second glance and by what they say and hwo and where they look at me, i know this to be the case, theose men are null and void to me, the guy who has treated me well and knew me before and after and never changes the way he looks at me....thats the guy that will have my heart in the end.......

 

 

 

leave your gf if her weight makes her unattractive to you.....women over time and through out their life put on weight, gain weight, lose it, gain it ,lose it again.....eat junk food , adopt a healthy diet......develop wrinkles or even cellulite...... ...change physical appearance grown more beautiful or less so .....if you cannot deal with her in her heavier times what makes you think you deserve her when she is a mean lean fighting machine when she is motivated to be healthy and active.......let some guy have her who loves her through all her life, her ups and her downs, not just her reflection in the mirror and th egood times, find a woman who is more your style.....deb

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Oliver when people come to LS to discuss things I find the opening post is usually very telling of how they are feeling about the state of their relationship/dating problems. I find there that they are usually the most honest posts.

 

Back peddling usually occurs in the following posts. Your opening post you put down a pretty brutal assessment of your relationship and of your girlfriend. You only had negative things to say about her and that you have wandering eyes and want to sleep with other women. I would not say this is normal for a guy who is happy with his relationship.

 

I'm sorry that does not sound like the signs of a healthy relationship at all. I'm still not convinced you are in love with your girlfriend (at least anymore). More you believe she is better than being alone or if I'm cynical you would rather have her around than let her be with someone who actually appreciates who she is.

 

That she might end up happy in another relationship and you playing the field may not work out as planned thus you might regret it. In other words you want something sure lined up before you drop your girlfriend.

 

Call it GIGS or whatever you want to call it. I call it tell tale signs that someone wants out of a relationship whether they care to admit it or not.

 

For every relationship where I have been in love I have never once thought "Hey she is great but man I wish she was a little hotter and had x, y and z". No I love them for who they are, how they make me feel. I come to love their quirks, even their flaws.

 

Looks are for the vain and for most of us are one of the first things to go. Hell I'm starting to notice the signs of aging for the first time in my life at 26. If you are not attracted to her you are not attracted to her, you can't really fix that. If you require her to change who she is for that to occur then you really should move on.

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I'm not wholly unattracted to her I said i believe she is naturally beautiful and I also think there are so many exaggerations and catastrophising of what I said! I don't "require"her to change I would just prefer it.

 

But in the end it isn't a deal breaker. I think physical attraction is a component of love but I don't believe if it wanes a little, then you have fallen out of love. If you really have never glanced at another woman or fantasised or occasionally or wanted more then hats off to you sir for being completely amazing unfortunately I don't think a lot of guys can say the same. If she feels the same way for you then you have the perfect relationship.

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Glancing at other women? Sure when I'm single. Not when I'm in a committed relationship though. Also not to the point where you basically describe your girlfriend as unattractive, lazy and wishing you were with other women. That is something different entirely. I think you will find a lot of guys don't have wandering eyes when they are content in a relationship. Or maybe my friends and I are oddities I don't know, I don't think so though.

 

I wouldn't say that is waning a little, that sounds a lot more than that. Require or prefer is just semantics bottom line is you want her to change. Which I've found is usually the first step towards resentment if they fail to live up to what you want.

 

My girlfriend feels the same way as I do, however no relationship is perfect. We live on opposite sides of the world I will be uprooting to go live with her in a few weeks. Which on it's own is quite challenging but I'm also very excited. I'm very optimistic however I'm not naive to the risks I'm taking in doing this. Only time will tell how things go.

 

As ThisGal said earlier I'm not sure you know what real love is. That's ok I thought I was in love with my first girlfriend now looking back after having a few more relationships under my belt I don't believe that was the case. I liked her a lot but no I don't think I was in love with her. Which makes me a bit sad when I think about it but it is what it is.

 

Either way if you honestly think you can move past this then great. However if you are staying because you are afraid of letting go and you are still lusting after other women. Then you may end up regretting your decision to stay. Not to mention highly unfair to your girlfriend continuing a relationship where you feel you are struggling to remain faithful to her.

Edited by Carenth
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