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Bitterness came out all in one go...


Mycroftisyourcroft

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Mycroftisyourcroft

Hi guys :)

I'm in a long-distance relationship at the moment(as you've probably guessed by the forum) with my boyfriend of a year, and have been for a couple of months now. It's been particularly difficult since we're on opposite sides of the planet from each other, so there's no real scope for visiting each other. There's only four more months left to go, but our relationship is starting to be under some pressure already...

 

When we were together, in the same city, our relationship was pretty good. Mostly great, but with the odd moment, so good I'd say. Definitely good enough to contribute to both our lives and make it worthwhile. However, ever since we've been apart, there's been bitterness on my side for a few reasons, and it's been building and building with every day essentially.

 

I know that long-distance relationships only really work if there's effort being made by both parties into communication particularly, and that's where our problem is: After a month, he stopped putting that effort in, pretty much overnight. I would go 2 weeks easily without hearing anything from him, though I've only let that happen twice, since the other times when I go more than 4 days or so I deliberately start up conversation again, but it's made me resent the fact that I am always the person who initiates conversation or Skype calls, like I feel I could go more than two weeks and he still wouldn't say anything. I sent him a letter via snail-mail with a USB attached to put photos and music and things on, to try and get some sort of regular communication going that's more interesting than facebook and texting, but he received it two weeks ago and has made no effort to reply since.

 

It's not just communication that's grinding to a halt either, he seems less interested in general, whether it's discussing ideas (a favourite of ours), discussing games (also a favourite), helping each other out or just anything nice really. I've heard that guys sometimes (subconsciously I guess) want to please their girl with the idea that if they help her with this, she will reward them with a blow job or something (please, please please don't rant about how wrong this is if this isn't the case, just dispel the idea and move on). Anyway, when I heard that, I started having nasty thoughts about 'hey, what if the reason he's no longer as interested is because he knows he won't get sex out of it if he does something you like'.

I'm not sure :(

 

Anyway, as the title cunningly hints, there has been bitterness building slowly, with every couple of days that pass with no word from him, another stitch breaks (if a stitch in time saves nine), every time I try to kick-start something and he doesn't respond to the idea, every little snappy argument (and those have been getting more and more frequent) where we never resolve anything because I stop short of expressing my real feelings (I grew up in a house where it was practically forbidden to express any negative emotion against anyone, and as a result, have difficulty deliberately bringing anything like that up now).

 

Finally: the crunch. Here is the text conversation word-for-word, emoticons and all.

(I started the conversation normally, asking about internet buying)

 

Me: 'Everything except the 3DS has arrived now'

Him: 'Ebay said it was shipped the 26th, wait til the 3rd then I'll contact them'

Me: 'Hey no it was just to say that the other things have arrived, I'm sure there's no problem. My mum just sent me a picture of Ghost [his cat], he's so cute :love:'

'She finds him pretty small still, compared to a cat she had ages ago who was twice his size at the same age!'

'What are you doing? :p'

Him: 'Australian cats must be monsters then! She's exaggerating' 'we're getting back from the airport now'

Me: Why did you think automatically that she's exaggerating? Do you find it insulting to Ghost that another kitty is bigger than him? :p '

'How was Melbourne? :)'

[He didn't reply for 20 minutes or so, so I asked if anything was up, had I said something that bugged him?]

Him: 'Don't be a drama queen I was just paying attention to Ghost'

Me: 'Would you mind not using that expression? I find it a little degrading is all, is there any other way to say the same thing?'

'Ghost was happy I assume? :p '

Him: 'Are you SERIOUS? It's how I express myself is all'

Me: 'The way you said it made it sound like you think I was overreacting, I found :confused:'

Him: Well what would you have preferred I say then?

Me: I don't know, something like 'Hey, sorry I was just taking care of Ghost for a minute, back now. Melbourne was great/average/awful'

'I find that a bit nicer than 'stop overreacting'

Him: 'I don't understand why you always want me to say I'm sorry these days'

 

And... The crunch. It allllllll boiled up, his exaggeration (hypocrisy, right there, since I'd asked him once before whether he was sorry at having messed something up completely for me, but that's another story, so this was only the second time in our whole relationship), his unwillingness to answer my simple attempts at conversation, all the other things that made me bitter.

 

I snapped out, and told him a few things I thought of him, still not even the worst things on my mind, and chucked the phone in my bag. Hours later, he hadn't responded, which is VERY unusual for him, any attack/criticism, however vague, however minuscule,

he ALWAYS defended himself and had to have the last say. The fact that he's not responding is new territory for me. Honestly, I regret snapping at him, but I don't regret saying the few things I did, and I still want him to know the rest of my bitterness, just not in that manner.

 

Long story short, what do you people make of the situation? Is it unforgivable of me and should I go begging for him to forgive me? Am I founded in my feelings do you think? Has anyone else had any bad experiences like this?

 

Thanks :love:

 

P.S, I DO love him by the way, if any of you got the wrong impression, and he's also a best friend, but this relationship is starting to drain me emotionally a little, and if there's no change from his side, if I do, then I think I'll probably have to end it.

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I'm in a similar situation in being in a long distance relationship on opposite sides of the world. It has been challenging no doubt but the one thing that kept us going is we always made goals of things we were looking forward too.

 

Also we have very open and honest communication. You are right if he isn't putting in the effort then their is an issue. 2 weeks without talking to you without any reason is pretty bad in my books.

 

My girlfriend and I try to talk at least every other day it can be difficult at times due to the massive time zone difference. However we both put the effort in to make it happen.

 

I'll be moving to live with her next month, we are both really looking forward to it and putting the long distance part of our relationship behind us.

 

I'm not really sure what advice to give you other than. If he is not trying anymore and is being rude/argumentative every time you try to have a basic conversation with him, then you should probably end it for your own sanity.

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miss_jaclynrae

First of all, I am really sorry things are not ideal right now.

 

 

I have a ton of questions though, such as why you guys have gone weeks without talking, and 4 days without contact is normal? I know not every situation is the same, but I hear from my LD boyfriend everyday, even if he is busy I made it clear how much it means to me to still let me know that he was thinking of me.

 

I am no pro at LDRs, but like you, I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and we are on other sides of the world from eachother.

That being said though, based on what YOU have told us, I would in no way be ok with anything going on.

 

What was the reason for the LDR? Can you give a bit more info as to why you are not with him?

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Mycroftisyourcroft

What was the reason for the LDR? Can you give a bit more info as to why you are not with him?

 

We had 8 months' gap between school and university, and we chose to spend our time differently. Me in England working, He in Australia relaxing. We both decided to go to Uni in Australia though, so at the end of the 4 months I'll be moving over there too.

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May as well ask since I'm Australian. Are you going to be living with him when you come here? Cost of living in Australia is pretty dam high especially for rent. If not you will have a hard time studying and doing work to survive there is pretty strict rules about how many hours international students can work per week.

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Mycroftisyourcroft
May as well ask since I'm Australian. Are you going to be living with him when you come here? Cost of living in Australia is pretty dam high especially for rent. If not you will have a hard time studying and doing work to survive there is pretty strict rules about how many hours international students can work per week.

 

Out comes the secret weapon... Dual citizenship! :laugh: (my mum is Australian and my Dad is English), so I'd be living with her while at Uni, not him, but already there's no rent involved :p And I'm working in England mostly to have fun and be able to splurge before Uni, but also to save up for some of the tuition costs ;)

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Mycroftisyourcroft

I have a ton of questions though, such as why you guys have gone weeks without talking, and 4 days without contact is normal?

 

Well the way I see it, if he's not all that eager to communicate regularly, then wouldn't I appear 'needy' and 'clingy' trying to always initiate conversation? I'm not sure if that makes sense, but if I was a complete arse and was in his place, and he was always trying to start something up, that's how I'd feel (we're talking hypothetical arse-ness here by the way :p )

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miss_jaclynrae
Well the way I see it, if he's not all that eager to communicate regularly, then wouldn't I appear 'needy' and 'clingy' trying to always initiate conversation? I'm not sure if that makes sense, but if I was a complete arse and was in his place, and he was always trying to start something up, that's how I'd feel (we're talking hypothetical arse-ness here by the way :p )

 

 

 

You guys have been together a YEAR.

This is the most ridiculous reason I have ever heard.

You never asked him WHY he didn't contact you for 2 weeks?

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After a month, he stopped putting that effort in, pretty much overnight. I would go 2 weeks easily without hearing anything from him

 

Honestly, OP, I almost stopped reading here (almost, but I didn't :)). Frankly, I think this says all that needs to be said. After one month of LDR time, he didn't contact you for 2 weeks. One month is very early as far as most LDRs go, and 2 weeks is a long time to go without contact (barring extenuating circumstances). I think it's safe to say that he isn't interested in putting in the effort needed to keep a LDR going.

 

Please note that I'm not talking out of my arse here - talk is easy, I know. I was in a LDR for two years (still in it, but we're not LD anymore). I must disagree with your 'if there is no sex then where is the motivation for him to put in effort?' opinion. The longest we went without contact was 3 days, when he was travelling. That happened once, in 2 years. We had sex every 6 months, which was as often as we could meet (we had a lot of it when we could, but still!). It is possible for a man to put in effort despite not getting sex out of it. Please believe me on that.

 

In fact, I would question why anyone would even want a man who doesn't see any point in putting any effort in a R that isn't yielding him regular sex through no fault of his partner's. What do you feel would happen with such a man when you fall ill, get pregnant, or... as in your case, are separated by distance?

 

Anyway, as the title cunningly hints, there has been bitterness building slowly, with every couple of days that pass with no word from him, another stitch breaks (if a stitch in time saves nine), every time I try to kick-start something and he doesn't respond to the idea, every little snappy argument (and those have been getting more and more frequent) where we never resolve anything because I stop short of expressing my real feelings (I grew up in a house where it was practically forbidden to express any negative emotion against anyone, and as a result, have difficulty deliberately bringing anything like that up now).

 

I honestly feel you're trying too hard to be the 'accepting girlfriend', and it's tearing you down inside. It's okay to not be okay with what your bf is doing! It's not needy and clingy to want your boyfriend of one year to talk to you more than he is doing! Please know that.

 

Finally: the crunch. Here is the text conversation word-for-word, emoticons and all.

(I started the conversation normally, asking about internet buying)

 

Me: 'Everything except the 3DS has arrived now'

Him: 'Ebay said it was shipped the 26th, wait til the 3rd then I'll contact them'

Me: 'Hey no it was just to say that the other things have arrived, I'm sure there's no problem. My mum just sent me a picture of Ghost [his cat], he's so cute :love:'

'She finds him pretty small still, compared to a cat she had ages ago who was twice his size at the same age!'

'What are you doing? :p'

Him: 'Australian cats must be monsters then! She's exaggerating' 'we're getting back from the airport now'

Me: Why did you think automatically that she's exaggerating? Do you find it insulting to Ghost that another kitty is bigger than him? :p '

'How was Melbourne? :)'

[He didn't reply for 20 minutes or so, so I asked if anything was up, had I said something that bugged him?]

Him: 'Don't be a drama queen I was just paying attention to Ghost'

Me: 'Would you mind not using that expression? I find it a little degrading is all, is there any other way to say the same thing?'

'Ghost was happy I assume? :p '

Him: 'Are you SERIOUS? It's how I express myself is all'

Me: 'The way you said it made it sound like you think I was overreacting, I found :confused:'

Him: Well what would you have preferred I say then?

Me: I don't know, something like 'Hey, sorry I was just taking care of Ghost for a minute, back now. Melbourne was great/average/awful'

'I find that a bit nicer than 'stop overreacting'

Him: 'I don't understand why you always want me to say I'm sorry these days'

 

Separate issue here - I would generally advise that you never, ever, ever use text to discuss sensitive issues. Keep it for a phone call, even if that means waiting.

 

Long story short, what do you people make of the situation? Is it unforgivable of me and should I go begging for him to forgive me? Am I founded in my feelings do you think? Has anyone else had any bad experiences like this?

 

You were wrong to lash out at him, yes. Admitting your mistakes makes you a better and stronger person.

 

But 'begging for forgiveness' does not solve anything. It doesn't solve his utter and complete lack of effort and it doesn't solve the fact that your emotional needs are going unfulfilled.

 

Ideally both of you should be able to have a conversation about how you could each handle the distance better - you by talking about issues calmly instead of lashing out, him by putting more effort in to contact you. But he needs to be invested enough to care to talk to you about it to begin with - and I have a feeling that that isn't really going to happen. :(

Edited by Elswyth
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ExpatInItaly

Sorry to say OP, but it doesn't sound like there's much of a relationship left. Going for days (or weeks!) with no contact is a clear sign that he isn't into it as much as you are. He isn't treating you like a priority - he's treating you like an option.

 

Why has he gone such long periods with no contact?

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Mycroftisyourcroft

Thank you all so much guys, you've all been very helpful :rolleyes:

Well after a couple weeks of serious thought and consideration I finally broke up with him this morning. I skyped him and told him that I wasn't really happy anymore, and that I knew he probably wasn't either and told him that we should break up.

 

He was a bit surprised, but basically said 'if you really want to I can't stop you', so I think you were all right, he probably just wasn't that into the relationship as soon as it went long-distance, and wasn't invested enough to put in the extra necessary effort.

 

So, long story short, I'm out of that problem, and we've agreed that we'll still be friendly, so back to breaking bad it is!:p

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Thank you all so much guys, you've all been very helpful :rolleyes:

Well after a couple weeks of serious thought and consideration I finally broke up with him this morning. I skyped him and told him that I wasn't really happy anymore, and that I knew he probably wasn't either and told him that we should break up.

 

He was a bit surprised, but basically said 'if you really want to I can't stop you', so I think you were all right, he probably just wasn't that into the relationship as soon as it went long-distance, and wasn't invested enough to put in the extra necessary effort.

 

So, long story short, I'm out of that problem, and we've agreed that we'll still be friendly, so back to breaking bad it is!:p

 

Yup, no fight in him at all. He wasn't interested in a LTR with you.

 

Good for you to move on!

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Thank you all so much guys, you've all been very helpful :rolleyes:

Well after a couple weeks of serious thought and consideration I finally broke up with him this morning. I skyped him and told him that I wasn't really happy anymore, and that I knew he probably wasn't either and told him that we should break up.

 

He was a bit surprised, but basically said 'if you really want to I can't stop you', so I think you were all right, he probably just wasn't that into the relationship as soon as it went long-distance, and wasn't invested enough to put in the extra necessary effort.

 

So, long story short, I'm out of that problem, and we've agreed that we'll still be friendly, so back to breaking bad it is!:p

 

I'm really glad that you made the best decision for yourself, mycroft! :)

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