He's depressed and he's confusing me!

[KitCat]

My bf/ex-bf recently had a pretty bad fight. He's been really down lately and feeling depressed...he tells me he goes and lies down on his bed and it takes a ton of effort just to get up and do stuff. He also says that he's feeling really "empty" and he has no confidence and he's saying he needs "to get his head sorted." So, I tried being supportive and cheering him up (saying things that were funny or things that wud lift his spirits even when i wasn't in a happy mood). But, he just kept kinda ignoring it all and distancing himself. Not answering me many times (long distance..so i could only attempt to help verbally). It kept building up in me.. i wasn't happy with how he was treating me.

 

So one day we got in an argument and somehow i got mad enough to where I called him an "a**." Which i don't think is that bad, but we have this name-calling thing..we think it's horrible and try not to ever call each other names. So he got mad.. and in his anger and depression and watever else..he told me to stop talking to him.. until maybe he'd talk to me. And i told him i wasn't gonna wait around for him to get over his crap. It got carried away and we both said really hurtful things. And basically, we kinda broke up.. but i'm not so sure now..(keep reading)

 

That was about a week ago and we've been talking but we've both been acting like what was said ended it and we're not together. But then today he said something about "oh, so we're really exs now then?" and I was like "well, you ended it." (cuz from wat was said, it was pretty clear he didn't care if I ever spoke to him again or not). But through the whole thing i've been there when he wanted to talk and i've been nice and really...what's the word?...available. A lot.

 

He hints at us getting back and says things to make it seem like our fight really was stupid and it's not over.. and he says he still wants me and stuff. But, when I said I didn't wanna wait around for him (when he might even realize I'm not what he wants in the end anyway) and that i needed to start trying to get over him if I wasn't goin to be able to be with him, he said that he doesn't want me to put my life on hold for him, but he acted sad about the idea of me wanting to move on. Then said he just thinks he doesn't want a girlfriend right now. But then tonight, he said he feels like such crap and his head is so messed up that he doesn't know what he wants (after acting really affectionate towards me).

 

BASICALLY, I don't know what to think or do...or anything. It's killing me as well because I can't stand for him to be unhappy. I can't be there to hold/comfort him and talking is all we can do.. but i feel i'm getting annoying more than being helpful. So, i don't know how i can help or if I should even be talking to him and making our relationship another issue that he has to deal with right now.

 

So, if he wants me back, should I go back right away? ( I love and miss him so much...and I wanna be with him.. i really do. He's my ideal guy and we fit so well) or if he's thinking i'm always gonna be here and he gets to take his time making up his mind like i'm here if and when he wants me... i don't like the way that makes me seem. I don't want him to get used to doing this whenever he feels down. Like his actions have no consequences.

 

I don't know... should I continue to support him..and if so..how? Or...should I back off and let him come to me? He has hurt me in the past week.. the fight really tore me apart... but i love him and I don't know if it was really him that day or just a mood that appeared from all the stress he's under.

[LittleBrowneyes]

Hi ever heard of the book, "men are from Mars, women are from Venus"? get it! As for the way men deal with their problems...they withdrawl. men/guys are not like women where they need to "talk". Women talk to their girlfreinds or talk a problem out. Men are not that way, they go into their little caves and try to work out a problem. Its like an ego thing. But it works for them. Just because he withdrawls doesnt means he doesnt love you. I think u need to welcome him with open arms. Its not worth beign miserable to play games of who hurt who. To support him, is to accept him for all that he is.

good luck.

[lovinlife2]

LittleBrowneyes, you are very coorect. KitKat, seriosly, coming from a guy who has recently been through a divorce because I was the one going through some very serious life issues, I was one that also withdrew and left little or no room for my ex, who to me was pushing me into corners, making me defensive. Not that she was wrong or I was right, but different people tent to matters in different ways...I belive this. In my situation, I asked my ex to help by just being there for me and being a shoulder to lean on when I needed it because she loved me, and I loved her, but her continued natural desire to want to help and somehow still pushed us farther apart every day. Yes, women want to talk about their problems, and they want to be there to talk about the problems with their mate, but unfortuantely men just don't always work that way. KitKat, it sounds so identical to what happened with me...any time I felt that I was forced into a corner we fought. Not saying that that was right either, because it clearly wasn't. I have since learned that while I still need to have "my" time to deal with stuff, I also need, don't always want to initially, but I also need to make time to talk with my now gf so that she "knows" what is going on too. It;'s not that we(I) are hiding anything, sometimes it is a comfort issue or ego.

 

Reminding him about your feelings is a lot, and that you are there for him is even more... even if it is a phone call away. I'm home sick as a dog tonight and my gf lives almost 2 hours away. But I know if I really needed her to be here tonight, she would come over. To love is to trust, so I that I can say is to keep doing what you're doing...of course if you feel balanced in the relationship. You need to be happy too, don't get me wrong. If you are happy with what you can do, and knowing that you are doing the best and most that he will allow, somehow let that be enough. Something just made me think about this too, but look for signs, or other signs of depression. Sounds like text book, please take it wrong, but it is more common that we think.

 

Sorry this is so long but last note: Quick fix, while it sounds like the two of you are on the mends, plan for time for both of you to leave the baggage at home(figuratively) and go do something that you both will enjoy, and don't allow either of you to speak about the baggage that you left behind. Enjoy time together, but while you have rewarded yourselves with a mental break from all the stresses, plan to dedicate a specified amount of time when you return while you are fresh to let him open up. Don't let it be a suprise, but little by little that may help ease whatever is on his mind out to you. Good luck to both of you!

[KitCat]

Just wanted to say thanks to you both for your wonderful advice. We've been doing much better lately. And yes, I've read 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus' books.. and I know that men deal that way... I guess I was just feeling too shut out, and was hoping for a way to fix it... i'm not an incredibly patient person.

 

But, like I said, we're pretty much back to normal. He's still a bit down every now and then, but we're closer again and I feel like i'm being let in a little more. And he has come out and told me things about how he's feeling.

 

Also, we are 4000 miles apart (on different continents) but I think i'm going to see him in about 3 weeks. He's really excited about it and I think it'll help some more. But thanks again for all ur advice.