Is it important to talk about expectations before meeting?

[beelibra]

I've been talking to my LDR for a month and a half now. Were not in a relationship since we both want to meet first and kinda take it from there. Were only 400 miles apart, still a distance though. I'll be meeting him in a week and a half when he comes down here..which is where he grew up all his life. His son is in the same city as me, and he'll be here all weekend but we'll be seeing eachother throughout. He just has a lot planned and will be heading back home at the end of the weekend with his son. He's going to be staying the night his last night here, and I'm just wondering..should we talk about our expectations? We have great online chemistry and a lot of similarities, so I think we both just expect things to go more than smoothly. But what if they don't? We haven't discussed this, were just always on cloud 9 together. What do you think? Should I bring up a what if? I don't want to bring doubts and negatovoty into what we have. Help!

[justwhoiam]

By my own experience, I would say that first and foremost you need to know how he feels around you. Maybe you could ask him: when we meet up, is there a way to know if you still feel the same way about me as you do now? Something along those lines. Because wondering can really kill you!

Maybe he will telll you, yes, I usually do this or that, or he will tell you directly.

What happens next should better be discussed when he returns home, as he's staying for a very short time. How much time is he going to spend with you? Two full days in all? One night? 30 hours? I have no idea...

Anyway, the two of you can't be pressured into making decisions for what comes next. First you see how it goes being together with him in person. Then, if he has feelings for you, and you two click with each other, etc. You can start talking about you two.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm inclined to think you should spend more effort making sure that each of your minds are adjusted to fully 'expect' every element possible about the other. That is to say, describe what you'll be wearing, what you'll be carrying, with the idea being that each should surprise the expectations of the other as little as possible.

 

Then, picture yourselves sitting together at a late-night diner (or wherever) and talking in depth you've never known with someone you've just met. Instead of the deadly silence you might have experienced with somebody in the past, take comfort in knowing that for your knowing many of the players in his life, you will be able to leap from topic to topic for understanding what's important to him, and for his understanding what matters most to you.

 

I'd say that to continue the familiarity you each feel so far is the most important goal. You don't need to clarify anything relating to any 'status' or 'perceived status' at this point.

 

 

The greatest barriers to relationships aren't compatibility issues (as is believed to be the case by sooooooooooo many), the greatest barriers are the long and steady range of self-perceived normalcy, and the shunning of most anything which arrives from a direction outside of that norm. So make your first-real-life-meeting-from-internet-roots seem and be as normal (and consequently comfortable) as possible.

 

(the person who shares a conversation with you at a "Don't Walk" light isn't automatically creepy for feeling some intrigue. The person who sat beside you on an airplane and happened to glance at your boarding pass and catch your full name, only to later contact you on Facebook isn't automatically creepy for so doing (unless he's 40, and you're 14). And the socially awkward person you first connected with on the net, isn't automatically creepy merely for his or her being there) (instead of a struggle for conversation of the sort so typical in "real-life dating scenarios"... make it your goal to know a comfortable exchange which is and feels 'normal' to both sides)

[daletom]

I think "SincereOnlineGuy" gave some good advice.

 

Since your guy has a child, I'll guess that neither of you are teenagers or college-age. That's when I experienced an LDR, first meeting, etc, and my advice would be based on the experience of a person at a different stage of life than what you seem to be. Even so, you can find it in the thread " Brand new on here in a LDR and will be meeting him for the first time in a month " at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/390794-brand-new-here-ldr-will-meeting-him-first-time-month#post4877436

[beelibra]

No actually we are both young. I'm 21 and he's 24. We both have kids, but also love on our own and support ourselves and our little ones of course. I definitely agree and think I should try to keep things as normally paced as possinle. I want us to be comfortable and I don't want to feel like I'm trying to jump into some personal level we may have established online, but not yet in person. Its a whole new ball park.

[HeavenOrHell]

With me and my partner, meeting after 4 months of talking online/phone/skype, we knew we had expectations and said let's try not to put any weight on it as we don't know for sure how things will be when we meet, so we tried not to put any expectations on it, but he did say he'd be so disappointed if things didn't work out But we said that no matter what we'd have made a good new friend.

 

So I would just advise to say; let's try not to put expectations onto it as we don't know how it will be until we meet, it's not negativity it's being realistic, and it's quite natural/normal to talk about it before meeting.

 

Things went extremely well when I met my partner, the chemistry was even better IRL, hopefully they will go well with you too

 

I've been talking to my LDR for a month and a half now. Were not in a relationship since we both want to meet first and kinda take it from there. Were only 400 miles apart, still a distance though. I'll be meeting him in a week and a half when he comes down here..which is where he grew up all his life. His son is in the same city as me, and he'll be here all weekend but we'll be seeing eachother throughout. He just has a lot planned and will be heading back home at the end of the weekend with his son. He's going to be staying the night his last night here, and I'm just wondering..should we talk about our expectations? We have great online chemistry and a lot of similarities, so I think we both just expect things to go more than smoothly. But what if they don't? We haven't discussed this, were just always on cloud 9 together. What do you think? Should I bring up a what if? I don't want to bring doubts and negatovoty into what we have. Help!

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't think they need to describe what they're be wearing or carrying, if they've seen each on skype or in photos, leave some element of surprise, I don't thnk everything has to be expained in detail.

Compatibility is extremely important, in all the ways which matter to the people involved. Some minor incompatiblities are ok, ie my partner likes watching sport and I can't stand it But things like that don't matter to me, it's important we are compatible in our outlook/views on life, our principles.

Agreed they don't need to dwell too much on what their status is when they first meet.

 

 

I'm inclined to think you should spend more effort making sure that each of your minds are adjusted to fully 'expect' every element possible about the other. That is to say, describe what you'll be wearing, what you'll be carrying, with the idea being that each should surprise the expectations of the other as little as possible.

 

Then, picture yourselves sitting together at a late-night diner (or wherever) and talking in depth you've never known with someone you've just met. Instead of the deadly silence you might have experienced with somebody in the past, take comfort in knowing that for your knowing many of the players in his life, you will be able to leap from topic to topic for understanding what's important to him, and for his understanding what matters most to you.

 

I'd say that to continue the familiarity you each feel so far is the most important goal. You don't need to clarify anything relating to any 'status' or 'perceived status' at this point.

 

 

The greatest barriers to relationships aren't compatibility issues (as is believed to be the case by sooooooooooo many), the greatest barriers are the long and steady range of self-perceived normalcy, and the shunning of most anything which arrives from a direction outside of that norm. So make your first-real-life-meeting-from-internet-roots seem and be as normal (and consequently comfortable) as possible.

 

(the person who shares a conversation with you at a "Don't Walk" light isn't automatically creepy for feeling some intrigue. The person who sat beside you on an airplane and happened to glance at your boarding pass and catch your full name, only to later contact you on Facebook isn't automatically creepy for so doing (unless he's 40, and you're 14). And the socially awkward person you first connected with on the net, isn't automatically creepy merely for his or her being there) (instead of a struggle for conversation of the sort so typical in "real-life dating scenarios"... make it your goal to know a comfortable exchange which is and feels 'normal' to both sides)

[daletom]

No actually we are both young. I'm 21 and he's 24. . . . I want us to be comfortable and I don't want to feel like I'm trying to jump into some personal level we may have established online, but not yet in person.

OK on the ages - read my suggestions (from that linked post), and the story of my experience, and see if there's anything useful to you in there.

 

My opinion is that a relationship eventually must have significant in-person interaction to grow and mature. And, that's the point where many LDR fizzle and die. Not necessarily due to any fault of either party. From that observation my advice is to make sure it's possible for each of you to retreat with safety, dignity and honor if things don't live up to expectations. And if things exceed expectations - you can dispense with the escape doors.

 

Best wishes for a fulfilling outcome!

[LittleTiger]

In my view, yes, it is important to talk about expectations. You are obviously sensible enough to realise that online chemistry might not translate to real life chemistry and presumably he is too.

 

Hopefully, you will meet and everything will be wonderful but, if it isn't, it will be a lot easier to deal with if you have talked about it in advance.

 

Are you going to remain friends if the chemistry isn't there? Or if it is only there for one of you? If either of you doesn't want friendship as a 'fallback' it is probably best to know that in advance.

 

I don't think it's putting a downer on things to discuss the possible negatives as well as the positives - it's just being realistic.

 

In our case, we discussed all possibilities and outcomes. He was travelling 12,000 miles, specifically to see me, and we planned to be together for several weeks. So it was important too know the 'what ifs' etc.

 

As it happened, everything worked out perfectly for us - although we did break a couple of the 'rules' we had put in place beforehand. Flexibility in these situations is also a good thing!