am i not seeing the signs again?!

[cj999]

where do I start?!partner and I been together 6 years...he works abroad around 2 weeks a month...things are not going well...he wont sign divorce papers...left his ex 6 years ago..when I ask y he just yells and says he knows she may want to remarry so hell make her suffer?...umm I think he still is hung up on past..his ex cheated on him...call me stupid if you want but hes never ever been intimate with me downstairs if you know what I mean...??,I ask and he says he dosnt want to and that's that if I don't like it then tough...god as im writing this im seeing the real picture!.recently he even suggested I text other guys if im bored at home when hes away he wont mind at all!i told him where to go!im feeling hes not really into me and just using my house as a bed when hes home...he does pay his way but crikey he moans non stop about how much he gives me!the last 3 months weve only had sex a few times..on his terms of course...but im in a situation where we have some dept so I cant pay on my own if I told him to go..just feeling very low and unsure of his true feelings and yet again after a few crap relationships im left feeling am I really that bad n not sexy enough?thing is im 43,one child,8 stone,size 10...I do get other guys looking at me but I take no notice as ii love my man...but does he love me?any advice would be great!

[FitChick]

No, he doesn't love you. Sounds like he doesn't even like you. As you said, he has a place to crash when he isn't working and it's cheaper than staying in a hotel.

 

But that is why you "love" him. If he treated you with consideration and respect, you'd run a mile.

[missunshine]

I am sorry, but from what you have written, he looks like he doesn't love you. He sounds like a jerk to me. A real man doesn't treat a woman in such a way. And him not wanting to divorce his wife even after 6 years is just crazy, wtf???

Honestly, I think you should dump him and move on and find someone who will love you truly. I am sure you will because you sound like a down to earth person and a real woman that needs a real man, not some whiny.

[justwhoiam]

he wont sign divorce papers...left his ex 6 years ago..when I ask y he just yells and says he knows she may want to remarry so hell make her suffer?

Tell him that if he dies tomorrow, she's going to get all his money. I guess he's going to change his mind in no time.

 

hes never ever been intimate with me downstairs if you know what I mean...??

Uhm... no. What do you mean?

 

I ask and he says he dosnt want to and that's that if I don't like it then tough

Then tough? What does that mean? What did you ask?

 

recently he even suggested I text other guys if im bored at home when hes away he wont mind at all!

It looks like he doesn't feel like getting too involved, not to be too vulnerable, after what he went through with his marriage.

 

i told him where to go!

If you have to resort to insults and bad words, this relationship is really taking a bad turn. I understand 6 years is not 6 months, and you've been patient and all. But I guess he's aware of the fact that his job will get him in trouble no matter how much you love him. With this kind of assumption, he's just living day by day, but not willing to go the extra mile. I guess you need to go the extra mile with him and not just once. But it all depends on what you intend to do, how willing you are to do that. If you really love him, have a try. If it doesn't work anyway, you'll have tried at least.

 

he moans non stop about how much he gives me!

Do you nag yourself? Because it might become a vicious cycle, and that'd be his reaction to your continuos nagging.

 

the last 3 months weve only had sex a few times..on his terms of course...

Here you need to know if he's having sex somewhere else, or if he just has low libido, if sex is not as appealing with you as it used to be, or what else... In short, you need to talk to him calmly and see what are the reasons for unfrequent sex.

 

im in a situation where we have some dept so I cant pay on my own if I told him to go..

So, you're using him. Not a good reason to have him around. Do you think he's not feeling it?

 

am I really that bad n not sexy enough?

I can't answer that. Have a honest conversation with him and ask him if he thinks you're sexy. Tell him to be honest with you whatever the answer, you will accept it.

 

thing is im 43,one child,8 stone,size 10...

So what should we infer from that? I only understand you're a non-obese middle aged woman.

 

I do get other guys looking at me but I take no notice as ii love my man...but does he love me?any advice would be great!

A few lines above, you were considering telling him to go... and the only thing that kept you from doing that seemed to be that you need his money. So where's the love? Would it be correct if I said that both of you are not showing any sign of being in love? I'm sure you love each other, because you can get really attached to someone sharing lives for 6 years. But being in love is something else. I know some believe it goes away anyway after some time, but I'm not part of that group of people.

My advice is:

- make a change about nagging & complaining, forbid that at home for at least 2 months

- make your home as comfortable and appealing to him as possible

- devote some time to yourself, to relax and nurture your body

- and most importantly, talk to him face to face, very quietly, share each other's views

 

Some of the things you should tackle: if he compares you to his wife, if there are traits of you that scare him away, how he feels about his job, how he feels about sex, etc.