amythan Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Hello, He is coming to go out with me. It sounds good but I feel nervous .. HE: He broke up with his g/f recently but we have been talking daily for six months now. We were talking over email this week (it is a kind of long distance thing) and he said that the only thing is stopping him to come visiting me is this recent break up. I told him that I understand and to contact me again when his life is sorted out and we will see if i am still interested. I cannot continue this pen pal thing it it is going nowhere. He was very clear about he liking me very much. Just to be clear we met in person a few times so he is not an stranger. ME: I broke up with my very long term bf two years ago and I have been a wreck for a while. Dated the wrong guys and entry in FWB situations more often than not. But now I fell good, my life is back on track, I am happy and I have lots of friends and interests and more importantly, I am happy with myself. I am not interested in partying, clubbing or having a messy life anymore and I like this guy because he seems nice, a good person and, even if he is not the alpha male, he makes me smile and is the kind of person with whom you can just enjoy the little things of life. THE PROBLEM: Two days after I mailed him about sorting out his life he said he booked a flight to come here. But I am worried because two days is not enough time to make a decision and I want him to be sure he wants to give it a try, not a rebound situation. Also I am afraid he just wants to talk to give me an explanation about why the timing is wrong and i am NOT interested in having this conversation. Either he is in and I am happy or he is not interested enough and there is no need to have a heavy conversation full with excuses and explanations. Even more the fact we are meeting creates expectations and this is not fair to me given I was very clear about where I stand. I am not a big fan of drama and I really hope this does not turn into a disappointing evening. But I cannot ask what his intentions are ... If he is not interested I do not want to go out with him. Of course if he wants to discuss about how I feel about having a LDR this is a different thing but with the premise that he is interested too. Another little thing is that sometimes he is aloof (even though I think this is his personality) .. he says that I am the aloof one but the reason is more me mirroring his behaviour than my real feelings ... Sorry for the long post but I am trying to explain all the details ... I do not know what to think or how to act when we finally meet here. Thanks for your comments and suggestions ! I really need an external view on this one because i am pretty lost Link to post Share on other sites
scorpio1978 Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Ok, first thing first, BREATHE. I can sense you being riled up from just what you wrote and I completely understand, but there is no indication from what you have written here that your time together will be anything but hanging out and getting to know each other. I don't think anyone would book a lfight to come see someone to tell them that they don't want to date them. Not at all. I think you are heading into this in a pessimistic manner because you have all of these fears and concerns (you obviously like him) and you are worried that things are going to end badly, but they don't have to. Your goal should be to spend time with him and without obviously selling yourself, show him why you are a great person to be with. He obviously has some sort of feelings for you to talk to you as long as he did and to even travel to see you. Men can be aloof and sometimes we as women start mulling it over in our heads that it's us. If you read some of my other posts, you will see that I am one of those women, so I "get it". He sounds like someone who is venturing back into the world of dating and isn't too sure either. You guys can work it out together. Spend time together, keep it light, do stuff that makes him comfortable and try to laugh together to take the pressure off of things. Don't automatically think that he wants to have the talk about ending it. See how things go... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author amythan Posted May 4, 2013 Author Share Posted May 4, 2013 You are probably right but it is difficult for me don't being anxious ... The funny thing is when I am not interested I feel relaxed and those people finish to really like me. And now that I really like him I behave like a teenager It is difficult for me to find someone I like, I am fed up with the extravagant personalities and show offs and investment bankers types (even if i am one of those !) and he looks the kind of interesting and down to earth person with whom it is possible to enjoy normal things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amythan Posted May 4, 2013 Author Share Posted May 4, 2013 I met him last November through a work event and we have been talking since then. They broke up recently but I have never asked why even though the relationship was always very rocky. We stopped talking for a while two months ago because I didn't like the situation. He contacted me again saying that he misses me. It was never a secret that we liked each other and he always felt conflicted about that, this is why i decided to disappear for a while. But now he is single. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amythan Posted May 4, 2013 Author Share Posted May 4, 2013 I know what you mean and this is exactly my concern .. We like each other and we are incredibly attracted to each other but I do not want a roller coaster either. But on the other hand similar situations worked for me in the past and my best friend just jumped into a relationship one month after breaking up with her two year bf and she is getting married now (and she is the happiest person ever) .. So, I do not know really. What I do not want is to wait around. Either we do it or not, but i do not want to be the best friend who finish seing him dating someone else in the future .. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amythan Posted May 4, 2013 Author Share Posted May 4, 2013 My gut feeling doesn't come from the fact that they broke up recently. I started going out with my ex-bf right after a 5 year relationship (and he was in the same situation) and we stayed together for ten years and it was the best relationship ever. But we were done with our previous partners for sure. My concern comes from the fact that he mentioned this as an issue and when I said that i completely understand and come to see me when your life is sorted out he just entry in panic mode. It took him two days to decide to come here. I do not want him to come because he is afraid of losing an opportunity, I want him to be sure that we can make it. And even if this sounds selfish, I do not want to discuss about it. Two possible answers: Yes or No. Everything else, I am not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
scorpio1978 Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 I know how you feel. You get to a point where you get tired of wasting time and tired of going through the motions of getting to know someone only for it to not work out and then you are crushed. Am I right? It would be amazing if you could just say to someone "yes or no", but sadly you cannot. When you like someone, it just makes it all the more difficult. I have never been one to just enjoy the flow of dating. I always want to know how it's going to end if it is. I personally am very impatient and anxious, though do my very best to hide it. It's not a flattering quality in a person. So, I hope that you get some closure soon and figure things out. I would say this (and I should practice what I preach), when it's right, it's ALL right. There are no feelings of impending doom and dread and anxiety and not knowing, questioning everything. It just feels "right" and you're at ease. Granted, that little anxiety monster may creep in at some point, but not this early on. If he doesn't make you feel comfortable, secure, and happy as hell, I say move on. I need to do the same in my situation too, as it is quite similar to yours. keep us posted? Link to post Share on other sites
Author amythan Posted May 5, 2013 Author Share Posted May 5, 2013 Scorpio: I think you are right, I am also a bit impatient and anxious when it comes to dating and yeah, I definitely need to chill out ! This situation is complicated and I am scared about investing too many feelings on someone who does not like me enough to try (even though I appreciate his reasons are understandable and have nothing to with me or my value as a person). To be fair he is doing nothing wrong. He is sweet and worried about making me happy. So probably half of the problem is myself wanting too hard to make this work because as you said I am tired of situations leading nowhere. I guess I should give him the chance to come here and see how it goes .. if he is willing to come it is a good sign after all. At least a sign that he respects me and cares. But not a guarantee that we could overcome the bad timing and difficulties. Well, stop ranting and time to breathe as you said ! But for sure I keep you posted !! Thanks a lot Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts