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Dealing with someones ex , while in a LDR..!


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Sarah Lee

OK this is a bit complicated... My husband & I have been in a LDR for 1 1/2 now & I cant get an approved Visa until another year.. We've been together for 5 years in total.

 

My husbands ex girlfriend and his brother's fiancee are best friends, they all kinda grew up together.. They've known each other since high school & were each other 1st sexually.. After they went to college they hooked up occasionally when ever they went home on breaks & she always tried to be a part of his life.. They had an on & off relationship for years, I know they were serious about each other.. Even after we meet & were dating she would randomly drive to his house, drunk dial him at all hours of the night, Call him with a problem...

 

His ex girlfriend still doesn't accept that he's married an is always around, She's at parties, family gathering, His brothers engagement parties & she'll be at there wedding.. I dont like that she'll always be a part of our lives in some way or another.. At the engagement party the communicated ( I wasn't there) I'm probably not gonna be there for the wedding either.. I'm not around & she'll always around.. I just feel like I'm so helpless there's nothing I can do about it!! How can I handle this??

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Sarah Lee

Also, about 6 months into our relationship we broke up for 3 months, we didn't think we would ever get back together, within the 3 months we were broken up they both slept together...

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This may not be something you want to hear... but it's your husbands job to create boundaries with this woman. She is around because of more than one person. She's best friends with your brother-in-laws fiance and you don't have the right to ask her to cut those ties with them. It's your husbands responsibility to create boundaries... when they slept together it was a two way street. Your husband is also part of the equation and not just her. When he creates boundaries and communicates that with you, you have to learn to trust him or you'll continue feeling uneasy about her. You've been together for 5 years, so it's been at least 4 years since they've been together. You have to make the decision whether or not you can trust your husband.

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Sarah Lee

I understand there relationship, so I would never ask them to break that bound, I know it's not my place... In fact I keep my distance because I dont want to make it uncomfortable for my brother-in-laws fiancee to feel like she's betraying her best friend by being friendly with me..

 

Most people don't want to deal with someones else ex or even there ex for that matter...

 

I'm not sure if I should go to there wedding because she would obviously want her best friends there more than me & I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.. I feel like the whole time were there even if I touch/kiss/hug my husband she's gonna feel like I'm doing it to make her jealous & if I don't then people would think were having marital problems..

 

What should I do??

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Life is too short for you to care about what others think. If your BIL fiancee and you have a great relationship, you can be there to support and celebrate their marriage without having issues with the ex. You are there for them and not for her... you're all adults and can be in the same room without having a big blow out.

 

It's not your responsibility if she is jealous or not. If she is, she needs to change that herself... you are MARRIED. You are allowed to hug, kiss, touch your husband whenever you please. Who cares if she's jealous... you don't owe her to be hands off because she is around. She isn't in your relationship, she has no part of it. So if she's jealous, she needs to get over it because you are both married, made vows to each other, and it doesn't concern her.

 

I say you do what you want, be cordially when you see each other and just do your own thing.

Edited by CherryT
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Sarah Lee

My brother-in-law & his fiancee have a 7 year old daughter..

 

This weekend is her christening or something like that & my husband has to be there because my husband is her God father.. She's gonna be there, bc she's always at everything that she knows my husband would be as well..

 

But my husband takes no interest in his nieces life all year except with things his ex is going to be at.. This makes me think that he wants to see her more than he's making me believe... If he wants to be a good uncle & god father he would be involved in her life more than just one or twice a year..

 

I feel like he down plays his feeling for his ex.. may be he's not over her just as much as she isn't over him..

 

He said that there relationship was mainly sexual.. They dated seriously for 2 years but he never saw a future with her so he never wanted to make there relationship work.. & for the next 3 years they both just slept together off & on.. He said it was easy to get sex from her so he kinda used her..

I don't know if to believe that.. I could have been more than that!! What do you think ?

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I'm sorry... but it sounds like your husband has some moral issues (telling you that he used another woman for sex is a red flag). And it's obvious that you don't trust him. I would maybe seek counselling so that you can learn to trust him if he's being truthful or if he's not being truthful, he can learn how to be honest about it and express where he feels your relationship is not as strong. Maybe you two can work it out... but eventually this mistrust will only deteriorate your relationship.

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Sarah Lee

When we just started dating 5 years ago she would call a lot... I told him if he really doesn't want to be with her he needs to see her & give her closer or she wouldn't stop and I wouldn't continue dating him if he continued to ignore her..

 

So he did.. he saw her, they talked & he told her about me... after that she would dive to his house & try to seduce him, she would call him drunk & wanting to hook up, basically it was her doing anything to win him back... she would keep calling ever so often bc she needed someone to talk too, I didn't mind at all that they spoke from time to time.. After I found out that they slept together when we were broken up that's when I told him I wasn't comfortable with then speaking anymore..

 

Since then they've seen each other bc of my Brother-in-laws fiancee & I'm never around when they do so I don't know how they react when they are around each other...

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Sarah Lee

He told me use to be like that when we was in college, he would sleep with a lot of girls bc he thought it would make him happy (His mom passed away when we was a teenager so he has/had a lot of pain & he tried to numb the pain by sleeping around)

Obviously he wouldn't have married me if he didn't love me & your right I don't trust him completely, especially when it comes to him ex..

 

I don't see or have never seen that side of him.. to me he's a sweet, loving, kind, very polite, geeky, giving person.. who love me a lot...

Edited by Sarah Lee
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