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DollFace90

Hi everyone! I'm new to the website but been lurking around for awhile. It has helped me a lot but I need a little bit of outsider views on this.

 

Its a bit of a long story.

 

I'm from US(22), He's from UK(28). I met him in an online game in 2008. Our beginning was rocky because he pretended to be someone he was not. He sent me a fake picture & faked his voice too! After awhile & me wanting to get closer & meet. He came clean. I admit I wasn't to forward about my pictures. I was very self concious at the time too. His reasoning was he just send the picture because it was a one time thing & didn't know it would get serious. The faking the voice was because he didn't like how it sounded.

 

When he came clean I obviously felt hurt, betrayed, lied to but I kinda understood him & he begged me not to leave him because of it so I didn't.

 

Slowly we began knowing each other for "real" & I found out things back then I was okay with but not now. Fast forward almost 5 years & we still haven't met because he's been having issues getting a visa to come see me. The thing is he is muslim so because of his religion get throughly checked & he's still waiting for it to finish processing. I believed that & understood it.

 

Those years have been tough times because we would argue a lot & say hurtful things to each other but he would always begged me to come back & I always did.

 

My real current issue is the unwillingness from his part to not do other Ldr things specifically sending things. I'm not material at all. I just want to feel close to him & get through the waiting. I have told him why I want to do that aspect of the ldrs. Even have cried (pathetic I know) in front of the webcam about it letting him know how MUCH it would mean to me. I even send him twice some things & apparently had the wrong address so one of them got returned. The other lost.

 

Right now I asked for space because again earlier this year around Valentine's Day he didn't do anything. I got very hurt & upset so broke it off & told him why.

 

He promised he was going to change & make this situation better. So I let him back but he failed to keep his promises so I broke up with him.

 

Is that silly of me? To want that so much? I just want to do EVERYTHING I can to just feel kind of close to him but he doesn't. Says he will but finds an excuse like this time it was because I was behaving "badly" & he didn't feel like doing it.

 

So please give me your views as I seem to be to biased & emotionally confused to see it.

 

I have to add he does call when he can or says he will. Gets online everyday to talk to me. It doesn't matter if he gets to sleep little. He does it.

 

He just doesn't want to do that & other things I feel its wrong of him to do.

 

Thanks if you managed to read it all! :)

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TMichaels
I'm from US(22), He's from UK(28)... I met him in an online game in 2008... He sent me a fake picture & faked his voice too! After awhile & me wanting to get closer & meet. He came clean... His reasoning was he just send the picture because it was a one time thing & didn't know it would get serious. The faking the voice was because he didn't like how it sounded...

 

The fake picture thing unfortunately happens all the time on the Internet but is still inexcusable. The fake voice? Sorry, I don't believe his BS about how he didn't like how it sounded. It ought to have been/now be a red flag to you.

 

Slowly we began knowing each other for "real" & I found out things back then I was okay with but not now. Fast forward almost 5 years & we still haven't met because he's been having issues getting a visa to come see me. The thing is he is muslim so because of his religion get throughly checked & he's still waiting for it to finish processing. I believed that & understood it.

 

You shouldn't be so quick to believe that explanation, either. Unless he has a criminal history or is not a British Citizen, he doesn't even *need* a visa to visit the US. See here. Again, he's bull-*****ting you.

 

My real current issue is the unwillingness from his part to not do other Ldr things specifically sending things. I'm not material at all. I just want to feel close to him & get through the waiting... I even send him twice some things & apparently had the wrong address so one of them got returned. The other lost.

 

Don't you think it's a bit fishy that neither package made it to its destination? You ought to be questioning whether he lied to you about his real address, too.

 

Right now I asked for space because again earlier this year around Valentine's Day he didn't do anything. I got very hurt & upset so broke it off & told him why... He promised he was going to change & make this situation better. So I let him back but he failed to keep his promises so I broke up with him.

 

Best idea you've had in five years.

 

Is that silly of me? To want that so much? I just want to do EVERYTHING I can to just feel kind of close to him but he doesn't. Says he will but finds an excuse like this time it was because I was behaving "badly" & he didn't feel like doing it.

 

No, it's not silly of you to want your b/f to treat you with respect and to be in a relationship with someone worthy of your time, attention and trust.

 

You made the right decision when you ditched this guy. Don't second guess yourself. Stay the course and move on.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited by TMichaels
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ExpatInItaly

He's completely full of crap about the visa. UK citizens do NOT need a visa just to visit the U.S. He is definitely hiding something from you about that. (criminal history, not really a citizen, etc)

 

Also, you've sent two things are neither arrived. Does that not totally raise your suspicions? Especially after the fake picture and fake voice??

 

He's not who he says he is.

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His parents have probably got a muslim bride lined up for him. You are the forbidden white girl.

 

Sorry you've wasted five years of your life. Better late than never I suppose.

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DollFace90

Thanks for answering & I appreciate all your answers!

 

Well he had to get a visa because when he was 19 he got arrested for getting in a fight. He spend 3 days in jail & then was freed. So because of that I told him to make an appointment for Visa Interview & he did. He has a police certificate that says his record is clear now but was denied because of lack of ties but when I researched online The smartest thing was to try the VWP first because apparently the crime he was arrested for didn't necessarily fall underneath a CIMT so he could've try it anyway. Ever since then he has been trying to get all the right information & keep reapplying. Last week US Embassy told him that because of the recent attacks & him having a common muslim last name he had to wait till all the information he sent in reached US & then he'll be good. But of course the Embassy tends to be vague about these things so he has to keep getting in touch with them.

 

About the address I decided to check on google maps & its actually is where he lives. He has shown me pictures of his place & with the webcam the areas he lives at. So i don't know if it was my fault because I honestly didn't know much about international mailing so I went with what the post office told me.

 

I don't know maybe I'm blind? But I do kinda trust him about things. He would get online everyday to talk to me & we both have been using webcams for like 3 or 4 years ever since the incident. So I definitely know how he looks now lol. He would called me throughout the day & messaged me on the phone while at work & on weekends! Would Stay online for hours to talk to me even if he has work & hasn't gotten enough sleep. When we would fight he's the one willing to make things work & not let me go.

 

But I do agree about the picture & voice thing. That was bull**** & a red flag to me. I forgave him later that time & told him he had no need. He has apologized many times for it & its the one thing he regrets. Associates with the fact he was 24 & stupid. Plus has told me many times how it even makes him sick when he thinks about it.

 

Its crazy but I don't know what to do. I love him but am I being to much? I definitely sound confused :-/

 

Sorry for long post!

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TMichaels

A few simple questions:

 

-- Why do you keep making excuses for what has happened?

-- Do you honestly think you can change him?

-- If you hound him into acting the way you want, how gratifying will that be?

 

And perhaps most importantly, why are you so hard up for a relationship? Because the guy "kinda" pays you attention?

 

Even if you're still young, you've already invested five years of your life for which you essentially have nothing to show.

 

Don't you think it's about time "you put on your big girl panties" and face reality? Surely, you can do better -- but only if *you believe* you do.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

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DollFace90
So 5 years and you've never met? He is having issues visiting...

 

Why don't you go? If this is a real relationship it's two sided, if he can't make it to see you in 5 whole years, why on earth wouldn't you have made the effort to see him?

 

Honestly, it sounds like a useless relationship that's taking up your time, energy and has monopolized your heart.

 

Dump him and find someone you can have a real relationship with...you know, someone you can actually physically touch.

 

I've been wanting to go but my family is VERY against it. I live with a major depressive mother & my grandmothers that tells me if I were to go, my mother would even get worse & who knows what she would do. She has even mentioned getting FBI involved if I were to go. Ridiculous because there's nothing! I live a very sad life lol.

 

I go to college plus finally found some work & the only times I could travel to see him would be limited to summer break & christmas break.

 

I know I should find someone closer. I just feel the people around me wouldn't understand my situation the way he does. I've tried before but the whole "What If" drives me crazy.

 

:/

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DollFace90
A few simple questions:

 

-- Why do you keep making excuses for what has happened?

-- Do you honestly think you can change him?

-- If you hound him into acting the way you want, how gratifying will that be?

 

And perhaps most importantly, why are you so hard up for a relationship? Because the guy "kinda" pays you attention?

 

Even if you're still young, you've already invested five years of your life for which you essentially have nothing to show.

 

Don't you think it's about time "you put on your big girl panties" and face reality? Surely, you can do better -- but only if *you believe* you do.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

I don't know why I keep making excuses. I know I do that. Stupid isn't it? I need to stop. I definitely see what you saying & feel like that myself.

 

Its not that he pays me attention. I do care & love him. Its hard for me to let go because he's been there for some tough situations in my life.

 

See? Making excuses again. Smh. I just need to know if there seems any hope in it.

 

 

Plus I wish it was so easy to cut off emotionally & he definitely doesn't help with the begging :/

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Its hard for me to let go because he's been there for some tough situations in my life.

 

No, he hasn't been there. That's the problem. You've never met. He is a fantasy that prevents you from making productive changes in your life.

 

You need to move out of your family home as soon as possible and live your life for yourself, not for him or for Mom or Grandma. They have their own lives.

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DollFace90
Those are just more excuses. So you both have excuses as to why neither of you have really put in serious effort to meet, yet have had a relationship for a very long period of time.

 

I mean seriously, in 5 years..you couldn't have taken a week vacation from your mother/grandmother? To meet this guy you are in a serious relationship with yet never laid eyes on, or held, or kissed? You've wasted 5 years of your life over this guy!

 

I think you both have issues, and neither of you truly want this relationship if either of you have to put in real time work and effort to make it work.

 

 

I wasn't ready to meet him till a couple of years later after we met online. I was going through some emotional issues.

 

The thing is... He's willing to provide me with the necessary things to come see him! I'm just afraid of my family's reaction. I don't know how to tell them what I want to do.

 

I know its stupid. I'm 22 years old & I can't even do what I want.

 

I do need a vacation from my manipulative mother & the overall pressures.

 

So how do I go on telling them about it?

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DollFace90
No, he hasn't been there. That's the problem. You've never met. He is a fantasy that prevents you from making productive changes in your life.

 

You need to move out of your family home as soon as possible and live your life for yourself, not for him or for Mom or Grandma. They have their own lives.

 

He has been there emotionally though.

 

I'm trying to do the necessary things to get out of this environment. Like continuing my education & finishing it. Got into the study & work program. Only way I found some work & experience! But I got 2 years left of univ & hopefully everything will fall into place by then.

 

I do agree with you I need to live life for myself. I just feel guilty or feel like I'm betraying them for doing that. :/

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