Overcoming perception of neediness?

[JourneyLady]

Here's what I have arrived at as a person.

I don't believe I am "needy" as in needing someone 24 hours a day, or even more than an hour on a regular basis. I am used to spending time alone.

 

HOWEVER, I know that it appears "needy" when I am wanting to find out information about why a person has changed their behavior. I'm a believer in talking things out and when someone is avoidant, it leaves me confused and THAT is when the problem happens.

 

If a guy makes a habit of calling me every day on his break, even if it's not a specific time, I'm okay with that. I go on doing my usual, not even thinking about it. But if two or three days pass when he has been doing this regularly and suddenly quits -- that is when I get myself into trouble. It's not that I can't live without him: I just get insatiably curious to find out why the change in behavior and IF there is anything I have said or done to put him off.

 

An avoidant doesn't want to talk it over, doesn't want to clear up misunderstandings, and I find that a sort of torture. I'm a person who likes to clear up problems as quick and as calm as possible.

 

So the word "needy" doesn't feel accurate. I just believe in acting like adults and so far it seems like all the men I have ever had a relationship with are avoidant.

 

What appears needy in my case is a clear stance on trying to convince someone that talking it over quickly is in the best interest of the relationship. I know I am impatient and often someone refusing to talk it over feels like rejection, so I end up acting impulsively and send an "alright, if you won't work this out, I'm bailing" message - in person if possible. Most of the time I do not really feel that way though, over time. I'm usually in logical mode when I do that, but I assume they are not interested in being with me anymore and so "arranging" for a less hurtful break-up. (BTW, my ex-h and I had an amicable divorce after the initial stages, even though I didn't want it at the time.)

 

I've had counseling. I don't know what a person can do to quell the emotions when both curiosity and impatience come into play. The reason it is torture, as far as I'm concerned is that it becomes very difficult to think about anything else until I know what's up. I'm thinking it's a control issue - because I love to plan ahead and obvious (especially in an LDR) I cannot plan ahead if I don't know whether I'm going to be with that person or they are bailing. (In the last case, I was considering buying a house in the other person's area in 3 years). Partly because I liked the area, partly because I don't think LDR's work very well for most of us. My budget would be different for that, than if I were not thinking of relocating.

 

Knowing I am going to be on my own, is easier (not right now while life is in flux however. I can manage quite nicely - I am used to the normal SAHM scenario where he worked and I worked (writing) from home and did chores all day. It's this hit and run that I find hard to cope with. Where the guy sweeps me off my feet and then when I finally start getting into it, he backs off, disappears, or withdraws emotionally. I wouldn't mind starting off slow, but no guy into me (in the beginning) has ever done that!

 

So there are two questions.

First, how do I cope with the lack of information without going a bit off?

Second, how do I find out really quickly whether the guys I date are the types to actually discuss things, or whether they will either avoid working problems out or get abusive?

 

I'm coming from an environment where I have had a lot of counseling in my life and training in "how to discuss problems". But I don't find guys who use or want to learn to use these methods up front, so they have been pretty much useless. I could understand that at 20 years old, but not in my 50's!

 

FWIW, I was divorced from a 3 decade marriage, so my track record is pretty good. But he never discussed his emotions either, so I was in the dark much of the time there. I didn't know he was in an affair until he was ready to leave the marriage...

 

One other relevant thing. In the relationship before the last one, sometimes he would be willing to talk it out, like if we were apart and made up. But 80% of the problems were passed over rather than ever being talked about later. And that's how I came to resentment in that relationship - a resentment so bad that I couldn't get over it and finally it came to an end.

 

Does anything good ever come from NOT talking and NOT clearing up misunderstanding? And is it still neediness if you just really want to know if you did anything wrong or said something that was off-putting?

 

Please - answers from mature people who have been at least mostly successful in relationships! I'm behind, because I was married (and sheltered) for so long and only had a couple of close friends.

Edited April 23, 2013 by JourneyLady

[WhatYouWantToHear]

This is a trick right? You've been called needy so you write 931 words defending yourself and asking for people to give you the answer you want to hear.

 

I don't believe I am "needy" as in ...I just get insatiably curious to find out why...I end up acting impulsively...it becomes very difficult to think about anything else until I know

 

Add to those quotes all the randomly bolded, capitalized and quote-encapusulated words and you've shown up on my radar with a high nutty score. If there's a test for neurosis, take it and see how you do.

 

Now here's the kicker: People who truly don't believe they have the flaws they've been accused of don't spend so much effort trying to disprove them. While I've used the terms "nutty" and "neurotic" to describe you, can you control your emotions enough to focus on the ideas I've expressed and not just those 2 words when you respond to me? I don't think you can. You will have to obsessively spell out why those 2 adjectives don't apply.

 

I believe there's a lot wisdom in "just get over it", but I also believe you, JourneyLady, can't just not pick a scab.

[JourneyLady]

Interesting... No, I'd accept the verdict from someone here who's posts I trust.

The howevermany words is to describe the situation, not defend myself. Just trying to give an accurate picture -- since oftentimes I read people's replies say "Well you didn't tell us that!" I will admit to a high obsession with accuracy. Maybe even a little OCD on that score.

 

But I researched your stats and you pick a lot of posts apart with very little of your own problems. No started threads from you.

 

I will take your so-called "advice" into account, however don't expect me to go by what a random stranger who likes to troll would say just by itself. If anything, it's semantics and trying to figure out if the word "needy" just gets applied when any male with issues doesn't want to get closer.

 

This is what creates stupid games - when a lady has to pretend she isn't as much into the guy as she is, because he starts to feel smothered easily, and misinterprets things to extract that expectation... How many women have to post here about guys suddenly pulling away for no apparent reason? I'm just trying to get a handle on the real communication issues. Otherwise there's nothing left to do except extreme fakery that I don't care that much.

 

I've taken tests on neediness and they all turn out negative, at least so far.

[JourneyLady]

Often when someone thinks you are needy it is because they do not want to deal with conflict resolution or they arent as into you as you are into them. Take being needy with a grain of salt, unless you really do act needy.

 

That's my belief thus far. He had mentioned several times about avoiding conflict right now - there are a couple of extremely stressful things on the near horizon in his life.

 

But I would have been just fine if he'd said "I can't deal with relationship now - I have to wait until this is over." That may actually be what will happen -- or not. Either way, by the time I know for sure, I'll be in a more stable life.

 

It's kinda like two people who would have been good for each other meeting at a time when their lives are in stressful flux and they/we don't have the knowledge of each other well enough to deal with it very well. I thought I was, but he didn't know me well enough to see my values there. (If you want someone to stay for life, they do have to be willing to converse, debate, negotiate in a calm but lucid manner.) To him it was just confrontation he was avoiding, and no way I could make him see it differently.

 

I don't doubt my reaction to sudden change without explanation was what made him think that way. He's not used to anyone really caring -- previous LDR's had done the fade on him, or just disappeared altogether.

[spock and the hobbit]

This is a trick right? You've been called needy so you write 931 words defending yourself and asking for people to give you the answer you want to hear.

 

 

 

Add to those quotes all the randomly bolded, capitalized and quote-encapusulated words and you've shown up on my radar with a high nutty score. If there's a test for neurosis, take it and see how you do.

 

Now here's the kicker: People who truly don't believe they have the flaws they've been accused of don't spend so much effort trying to disprove them. While I've used the terms "nutty" and "neurotic" to describe you, can you control your emotions enough to focus on the ideas I've expressed and not just those 2 words when you respond to me? I don't think you can. You will have to obsessively spell out why those 2 adjectives don't apply.

 

I believe there's a lot wisdom in "just get over it", but I also believe you, JourneyLady, can't just not pick a scab.

 

 

Hey man, lay off. Everything she said was perfectly understandable. She discussed her emotional responses to external stimuli (guys she has dated) in a rational and adult manner. Nothing about her post says nutty.

[spock and the hobbit]

What you've experienced is very familiar to me! I dislike the lack of information also, it drives me batty, so I try and work out the issue, and with many men, am met with irrational backlash or discussions that have no resolution.

(Disclaimer: I have not been successful in relationships, I have a good one going now, but I sense potential doom for that one as well. My advice comes from reason, experience, personal nature, common sense and my ethics regarding interpersonal relationships.)

 

My current boyfriend will discuss things, unless he feels like it will make us argue, or he feels interrogated. I think many men feel defensive too quickly, making a worthwhile discussion harder, or impossible.

He is better about it now, but it is sad that so many people find it hard to have a simple discussion that could make a relationship more solid.

 

It is not needy, but it can be made out to seem that way. You just want a relationship with open communication, it sounds simple, and it hurts when it just doesn't seem to happen. It is only fair that you request that information, and it is not productive to never discuss issues. How will you ever really get to know someone if you can't have an open conversation with them?

 

All I can say about approaching someone for this kind of discussion, is that it must be done with tact, in a non-combative manner, phrased as a question, not something that could be mistaken as an accusation. Explain to them that you enjoy being with them, and you just want to know if you'd done anything to put them off, because you feel that it is fair to know where you stand with them, and value open discussions in relationships, to solve issues before they become issues.

Edited April 24, 2013 by spock and the hobbit
kept the quote in

[JourneyLady]

What you've experienced is very familiar to me! I dislike the lack of information also, it drives me batty, so I try and work out the issue, and with many men, am met with irrational backlash or discussions that have no resolution.

 

Yeah, that's it exactly. I -persist- because it matters.

 

(Disclaimer: I have not been successful in relationships, I have a good one going now, but I sense potential doom for that one as well. My advice comes from reason, experience, personal nature, common sense and my ethics regarding interpersonal relationships.)

 

Well I was married for three decades - I consider that successful. We didn't find much to argue about, but when we did, he was an avoidant. Kind of no backbone and I lost respect unfortunately.

 

My current boyfriend will discuss things, unless he feels like it will make us argue, or he feels interrogated. I think many men feel defensive too quickly, making a worthwhile discussion harder, or impossible.

He is better about it now, but it is sad that so many people find it hard to have a simple discussion that could make a relationship more solid.

 

I agree. I have also read (in a book from compassionpower.com) that when men feel shame or guilt, most often it shows up as anger. It depends on how compassionate they are, whether they do that or not. With no empathy, they have no way of putting themselves in your shoes. There are women like that, but they are fewer.

 

It is not needy, but it can be made out to seem that way. You just want a relationship with open communication, it sounds simple, and it hurts when it just doesn't seem to happen. It is only fair that you request that information, and it is not productive to never discuss issues. How will you ever really get to know someone if you can't have an open conversation with them?

 

Right. My REAL problem is that when someone refuses to discuss things, gets mad, and goes on in a huff -- it feels like rejection. If I feel rejected, I tend to bail out and start planning "respectable" ways to end it. So the guy feels rejected and stays mad and/or gone. But it's not really how I want to feel.

 

This guy... I do love him, but he does tend to be judgmental and jump all over people who aren't doing the things -he- would do. He's thrown away some true friendships over this thinking they didn't care about him.

 

All I can say about approaching someone for this kind of discussion, is that it must be done with tact, in a non-combative manner, phrased as a question, not something that could be mistaken as an accusation. Explain to them that you enjoy being with them, and you just want to know if you'd done anything to put them off, because you feel that it is fair to know where you stand with them, and value open discussions in relationships, to solve issues before they become issues.

 

Well therein was the problem. I think when I write to discuss something it comes off as cold. I find it hard to be casual and just ask one question like "are you up for talking face to face this evening", so I mentioned what I wanted to talk about (reduction in face to face conversations). That's where he got pissed off - unfortunately I couldn't explain it where he could see I wasn't upset (at first) and thus he got pissed off and labeling me needy. In other words, there was confrontation in his head and not in me... Though his avoidance did cause me some angst.

 

Really appreciate your input. If this sort of thing ever happens again, I think I will try to be more casual -- or wait until I AM actually speaking to the guy face to face... I've never done an LDR before, quite honestly.