Jump to content

If you're not moving closer...


Recommended Posts

HeavenOrHell

I'm one of the few couples here who has no plans to move closer, our plans folded in our first year. Things have been good the last few months, but recently (last couple of weeks) I feel I've reached a dead end.

 

It's our 3rd anniversary this week of meeting IRL.

 

He's happy for things to continue as they are indefinitely, he's a loner, so it doesn't really bother him, although he loved living with his last partner.

But even if we were able to move soon I don't know if it's what I want or if I'm ready (for those who don't know, my last r/ship lasted nearly two decades) or want, to live with someone again, not because my last r/ship was awful, quite the opposite, I am scared of being that close to someone again. I would rather stay alone and independent. I don't like living on my own, but I'm almost at the point that I'm used to it. I don't like feeling I 'need' someone, I am not comfortable with it.

 

So, I want to share my life with him more, but also I don't, it's not going to happen anyway.

Just wondering who on earth would stay with someone if they can never close the distance? And I can't work out if I'm ok with it or not.

 

I've been asking him about things the last couple of days, he's very closed emotionally and it's hard. He says I've had a lucky escape living together as he's a closed loner and probably not easy to live with. I said to him a few weeks ago that he's had a lucky escape as I'm too screwed up to live with anyone (I have issues I'm working through, stress/depression related-which I've had for a long time). I've said to him long distance is probably better for me for the foreseeable, but that I miss him at times, but that I don't let myself miss him too much, just try to make the most of what we have.

 

He doesn't appear to miss me, he said he just focusses on what we have. (But he wouldn't show it if he did miss me).

 

I'm scared though that what we have isn't enough anymore, but it's him I want, no-one else.

Seeing him next week for his 40th, he said has fears about his anti social nature but that he's looking forward to spending time with me next week and that in a way it makes it more special (I think he means cos he's hardly ever social).

 

Hopefully it's just a phase and I'll be ok again, I usually am...

Link to post
Share on other sites

Firstly, I think it would be a good idea to separate your issues into 1) inability to move for external reasons, and 2) hesitance to live with someone else. Allows for more clarity of thought. :)

 

Re: 1) As far as I know, the compelling reason for the inability to move is both of your jobs. Is there any other reason?

 

Re: 2) You are vacillating between two extremes here, IMO - being in a VLDR thousands of miles apart, and living together. But it doesn't have to be that way. It seems to me that it could be possible to live close enough together that you could see each other every other day or even every weekend, but not need to move in together right away. You could live separately initially, work on your issues, then maybe think about marriage/cohabitation a few years down the road.

 

I personally think that my LDR would not have had survived without the goal of closing the distance. But we are all different people, and you have to decide what works for you. :)

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
LittleTiger

Whilst I agree with everything that Elswyth said, the part of your post that struck a chord with me is this:

 

"Just wondering who on earth would stay with someone if they can never close the distance?"

 

The word 'never' has taken on a very deep meaning for me since my exH died. I will never see him again, never talk to him again, never exchange texts or emails with him again. Never is final and it lasts forever!

 

I think if I had to continue in my LDR as it currently is forever and if we knew for definite that we would never close the distance (ie still living alone and going backwards and forwards across the world in 10, 20 or 30 years time), would I be ok with that. My answer is no, definitely not!

 

One of the reasons we both find this lifestyle bearable is hope. We enjoy what we have in the present but we are always looking forward to, and planning, our future. For us, it's not 'if' we will get married and live together, it's 'when' and 'how'. We have a joint goal that we are both putting equal energy into achieving.

 

I think one of the things that perhaps makes it particularly difficult for you and your partner is the uncertainty of your situation and the lack of a joint goal. Maybe if you had a clearer idea about what the future holds for your relationship, you would find things easier. It doesn't necessarily have to to be moving in together, or even moving closer together if that's not possible, but maybe it would help both of you if you had a more structured plan to your future. By that I mean something more than planning one trip at a time.

 

If you decide you want to continue with the relationship could you perhaps plan to see each other for longer periods on a more regular basis? Maybe organise the visits 12 months or more in advance so that it at least feels as though you have a real future?

 

It's very difficult for anyone to advise you really because you are the one who has to live with whatever you decide. I do feel for you because it's such a tough situation to be in. Are you absolutely sure this is really a case of never moving closer? It would be a shame when you clearly care so much about each other.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm one of the few couples here who has no plans to move closer, our plans folded in our first year. Things have been good the last few months, but recently (last couple of weeks) I feel I've reached a dead end.

 

It's our 3rd anniversary this week of meeting IRL.

 

He's happy for things to continue as they are indefinitely, he's a loner, so it doesn't really bother him, although he loved living with his last partner.

But even if we were able to move soon I don't know if it's what I want or if I'm ready (for those who don't know, my last r/ship lasted nearly two decades) or want, to live with someone again, not because my last r/ship was awful, quite the opposite, I am scared of being that close to someone again. I would rather stay alone and independent. I don't like living on my own, but I'm almost at the point that I'm used to it. I don't like feeling I 'need' someone, I am not comfortable with it.

 

So, I want to share my life with him more, but also I don't, it's not going to happen anyway.

Just wondering who on earth would stay with someone if they can never close the distance? And I can't work out if I'm ok with it or not.

 

I've been asking him about things the last couple of days, he's very closed emotionally and it's hard. He says I've had a lucky escape living together as he's a closed loner and probably not easy to live with. I said to him a few weeks ago that he's had a lucky escape as I'm too screwed up to live with anyone (I have issues I'm working through, stress/depression related-which I've had for a long time). I've said to him long distance is probably better for me for the foreseeable, but that I miss him at times, but that I don't let myself miss him too much, just try to make the most of what we have.

 

He doesn't appear to miss me, he said he just focusses on what we have. (But he wouldn't show it if he did miss me).

 

I'm scared though that what we have isn't enough anymore, but it's him I want, no-one else.

Seeing him next week for his 40th, he said has fears about his anti social nature but that he's looking forward to spending time with me next week and that in a way it makes it more special (I think he means cos he's hardly ever social).

 

Hopefully it's just a phase and I'll be ok again, I usually am...

 

Pat yourself on the back for managing an LDR for three years! I am far too cynical to be in another LDR as I had one before and it ended disastrously.

 

It seems like your boyfriend isn't too keen on living together so there is nothing to worry about. Most people in LDRs want to reside together at some point but that doesn't seem like your situation.

 

I was scared to move in with my husband because both of us were set in our ways and I was scared to lose my independence. We had so many arguments and long discussions about the meaning of living together, being engaged and what that entailed in our minds. What I learned is that love made us want to compromise and open our lives to include each other. My husband is an introvert and he was very selfish before he met me. I blew his world open.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh HoH, I just want to give you a big hug!!!

 

You are so strong. The both of you are so strong... The love you both have is so strong. I don't know what I would do in your position. I haven't been in a long term relationship like your previous relationship so I don't know how my views would change if I were. On one hand, I'm very logical and wanting that traditional life with a husband and kids. And on another hand, if you were to ask about my boyfriend, I would probably do anything non-logical just to be with him because I love him so much and I would rather get what I can then to have it with someone else. I don't know what you should do... but I just want to give you support. My boyfriend and I are talking about closing the distance in a year to a year and a half. Today I am having a rough day and feeling like it'll never get here because it's so far. If I feel like this today, I can only imagine what you're feeling. ((hugs))

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi HoH,

 

I'm so new here that I don't know the complete history of your LDR. I do know that you have a daughter and other responsibilities here, and your SO has a great job and doesn't particularly care for the US. What I'm unsure of is how often you are able to spend time with each other, and for how long?

 

I believe that I can relate to you in some ways because I was also in a very long term relationship (18 years). I met him right before my 19th birthday, and we moved in together within the first month. The relationship was by no means ideal; however, I tried to make it work for our son and because I was comfortable. It wasn't until our son was nearing adulthood that I realized I deserved better. I had never lived on my own, so I was beyond terrified, but the fear wore off after the first six months or so. I then realized how empowering it is to be independent. I have struggled, but I'm a better person for it, and I've learned a lot about myself. However, now I find myself in love with someone else and am torn about how to make it work. Based on circumstances, I will probably have to move, which means that I would have to leave my son and begin a whole new life. This also means that I would have to rely on my SO, something that I'm not comfortable with. It's a dilemma that I struggle with daily. Perhaps it's the same with you?

 

You're going to be seeing your love soon, and maybe that's why you're reflecting so much on the future of your relationship. Perhaps once you've seen him, have been able to bask in your love for a bit, you'll be able to find the strength to carry on.

 

I would need to talk to him and tell him that I'm unsure of the future and because of that, I'm struggling. I honestly still hold out hope that my SO will change his mind and will come home to me. Our future is uncertain, but hope is what keeps me going.

 

One thing I've learned through the love/pain of my LDR is that every day places me on the roller coaster, sometimes I sit in the front with my hands held high, screaming for joy. Other days, I'm placed in the back, cringing and wanting off. It's those days that I sit in front that keep me riding, day after day. The day that I get off for good is the day that I've decided that I can no longer take it, and I either pick up and move, or decide to move on. I KNOW that day will come, I just don't know when.

 

Hang in there. You're such a strong woman. Enjoy your upcoming trip. This may just be a passing emotion that will be forgotten once you're in your SO's arms. If, after you see him, you are still contemplating the future this way, I'd then begin thinking about having some serious discussions.

 

*hugs*

Link to post
Share on other sites

Work can't be a good reason not to close the distance. One day he'll be off work, retired. Children will be grown up and just show up now and then.

 

If not closing the distance means you don't settle in one place, then I think I can accept it, as long as I can be with him and we can love each other.

 

He doesn't appear to miss me, he said he just focusses on what we have. (But he wouldn't show it if he did miss me).
Now, this would be a problem with me. I guess I wouldn't be able to be with such a cold man. The distance itself is stressful enough and if he was also distant as a person, I'd feel unhappy and unloved.

 

I'm scared though that what we have isn't enough anymore
I bet. It's not about your future, rather your present. Though you think your present is fine as it is. But if you think of it, you're having issues with it. Is not missing the one you love a sign of maturity? Or? Or just the contrary? Learning how to let yourself go? Are you free to spend a month or two with him if you felt like it? Or that is not an option?

 

he said has fears about his anti social nature but that he's looking forward to spending time with me next week and that in a way it makes it more special (I think he means cos he's hardly ever social).
He needs to soften up.
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
HeavenOrHell

Thanks for your reply, you've got the wrong person though, neither of us has kids, or lives in the US or wants to move to the US.

His job isn't the problem as such.

I'll explain more when I can.

 

 

Hi HoH,

 

I'm so new here that I don't know the complete history of your LDR. I do know that you have a daughter and other responsibilities here, and your SO has a great job and doesn't particularly care for the US. What I'm unsure of is how often you are able to spend time with each other, and for how long?

 

I believe that I can relate to you in some ways because I was also in a very long term relationship (18 years). I met him right before my 19th birthday, and we moved in together within the first month. The relationship was by no means ideal; however, I tried to make it work for our son and because I was comfortable. It wasn't until our son was nearing adulthood that I realized I deserved better. I had never lived on my own, so I was beyond terrified, but the fear wore off after the first six months or so. I then realized how empowering it is to be independent. I have struggled, but I'm a better person for it, and I've learned a lot about myself. However, now I find myself in love with someone else and am torn about how to make it work. Based on circumstances, I will probably have to move, which means that I would have to leave my son and begin a whole new life. This also means that I would have to rely on my SO, something that I'm not comfortable with. It's a dilemma that I struggle with daily. Perhaps it's the same with you?

 

You're going to be seeing your love soon, and maybe that's why you're reflecting so much on the future of your relationship. Perhaps once you've seen him, have been able to bask in your love for a bit, you'll be able to find the strength to carry on.

 

I would need to talk to him and tell him that I'm unsure of the future and because of that, I'm struggling. I honestly still hold out hope that my SO will change his mind and will come home to me. Our future is uncertain, but hope is what keeps me going.

 

One thing I've learned through the love/pain of my LDR is that every day places me on the roller coaster, sometimes I sit in the front with my hands held high, screaming for joy. Other days, I'm placed in the back, cringing and wanting off. It's those days that I sit in front that keep me riding, day after day. The day that I get off for good is the day that I've decided that I can no longer take it, and I either pick up and move, or decide to move on. I KNOW that day will come, I just don't know when.

 

Hang in there. You're such a strong woman. Enjoy your upcoming trip. This may just be a passing emotion that will be forgotten once you're in your SO's arms. If, after you see him, you are still contemplating the future this way, I'd then begin thinking about having some serious discussions.

 

*hugs*

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...