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New at this: harmless nerves or red flags?


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Hello, I'm just beginning an LDR, and I am wondering if what I'm feeling is normal.

 

We are going to be together this weekend, a month after we first met while he was here for work. Since then we've been getting to know each other through hours and hours on the phone. But the past 2 days, now that he is almost here, it seems different. At first I felt like the reality of him actually being here was nerve wracking because I'm afraid he's built me up in his mind to something I might not match up to. And then last night he started talking about how we both should realize this is never going to go anywhere. It wasn't that harsh, it was in with him saying he was interested to see what will happen with us and you never know what the future may bring, but of course he had to throw that in there and of course I was thinking it, but I felt like it threw a bucket of water on my head in a way. Like, why should I even be starting something that's just going to not go anywhere because it would be extremely difficult to ever make our lives mesh?

 

And now I feel like HE is less excited to see ME and that makes me really insecure. Is this normal? I am hoping that once he's here and we are actually together that it's going to be great and this will just end up being nerves over something that is really new to me. But I just have this sinking feeling like one day he made me feel like a potential girlfriend and the next made me feel like someone he's just looking forward to hooking up with while he's here on business every few weeks.

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roaminghart11

It can be very scary to have that first meeting after you have really gotten to know each other, there are a lot of emotions going on. Sounds like he doesn't want to put too much pressure on this weekend. Good luck :)

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Thanks for the reply :) I am pretty sure it's just nerves, and his seeming less excited I think is due to his job, it's been very stressful lately. But we just talked and he was telling me that he is going to try to make it into town tonight instead of tomorrow, so I was definitely letting my imagination run away a bit!

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If he doesn't feel a LDR can work, don't have sex with him unless you just want to have sex with no strings attached.

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todreaminblue
Hello, I'm just beginning an LDR, and I am wondering if what I'm feeling is normal.

 

We are going to be together this weekend, a month after we first met while he was here for work. Since then we've been getting to know each other through hours and hours on the phone. But the past 2 days, now that he is almost here, it seems different. At first I felt like the reality of him actually being here was nerve wracking because I'm afraid he's built me up in his mind to something I might not match up to. And then last night he started talking about how we both should realize this is never going to go anywhere. It wasn't that harsh, it was in with him saying he was interested to see what will happen with us and you never know what the future may bring, but of course he had to throw that in there and of course I was thinking it, but I felt like it threw a bucket of water on my head in a way. Like, why should I even be starting something that's just going to not go anywhere because it would be extremely difficult to ever make our lives mesh?

 

And now I feel like HE is less excited to see ME and that makes me really insecure. Is this normal? I am hoping that once he's here and we are actually together that it's going to be great and this will just end up being nerves over something that is really new to me. But I just have this sinking feeling like one day he made me feel like a potential girlfriend and the next made me feel like someone he's just looking forward to hooking up with while he's here on business every few weeks.

 

 

Nerves are useful.......they are in existence for a reason, normally when you actually care for something or an outcome or someone, you get that feeling.....its excitement mixed with doubts.....because its new.....if you accept those nerves are there for a reason and just let them be....they will settle........and when you relaize everything in life is new at some point in time.......nerves should be expected......you will be fine.....being nervous is just excitement......a little slice of happiness peppered with doubt.when the doubts have been soothed....you have happiness left with that excitement.......and that will happen for you....if you let them happen naturally and just accept it......best wishes..........deb

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At first I felt like the reality of him actually being here was nerve wracking because I'm afraid he's built me up in his mind to something I might not match up to.
I'm not sure how common this thought is, but I would say quite so.

 

it was in with him saying he was interested to see what will happen with us and you never know what the future may bring
The former statement might be his highest form of excitement, who knows? I read some excitement there. The latter instead can be interpreted either ways (positive and/or negative). You perceived it as negative, guess if he was daydreaming about the two of you!

 

I felt like it threw a bucket of water on my head in a way.
Yeah... men can say the wrong thing at the wrong time, but you didn't consider that his reasoning might be totally the opposite of what you think.

 

now I feel like HE is less excited to see ME and that makes me really insecure. Is this normal?
Yes.

 

Anyway, how old is he? You've met just once, but how long? Just one day? I guess not...

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If he doesn't feel a LDR can work, don't have sex with him unless you just want to have sex with no strings attached.

 

I guess it's not that he thinks it can't work, he just doesn't think it could realistically change in the next maybe 7-10 years without major life overhauls for both of us.

 

And I'm not totally against the idea of it being a casual thing, I am just a little confused as to where on the scale of casual to serious he thinks it should fall. But I guess that's a question I need to ask him not a message board haha.

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The former statement might be his highest form of excitement, who knows? I read some excitement there. The latter instead can be interpreted either ways (positive and/or negative). You perceived it as negative, guess if he was daydreaming about the two of you!

 

If I think about all of our conversations, I know he has expressed feelings that we could workout together if we could manage it way more than this one time he said that, so I shouldn't let it outweigh the other stuff. And it is important to have a healthy dose of reality when embarking on something like this I guess!

 

Yeah... men can say the wrong thing at the wrong time, but you didn't consider that his reasoning might be totally the opposite of what you think.

 

Haha this is something I always need to remind myself about men. You do sometimes have to give them a little leeway :)

 

Anyway, how old is he? You've met just once, but how long? Just one day? I guess not...

 

He is late 30's, I'm 5 years younger. We met for the first time for just a few minutes, then ended up seeing each other later that night all night. We didn't spend the night together, we just both spent the night at the same place. Then we arranged to steer our respective groups of friends towards the same place a few nights later and spent a few hours together. But it was all in public or with other people around so this weekend will be the first time we are able to be alone.

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I guess it's not that he thinks it can't work, he just doesn't think it could realistically change in the next maybe 7-10 years without major life overhauls for both of us.

 

And I'm not totally against the idea of it being a casual thing, I am just a little confused as to where on the scale of casual to serious he thinks it should fall. But I guess that's a question I need to ask him not a message board haha.

Honestly, for what I have read on this forum so far, there's no such a thing as a casual thing in LDRs. That might be for various reasons, just to name a few:

- you need commitment to keep a LDR going

- constant connection with someone you are attracted to makes you fall in love, and this reason alone doesn't fit well in the picture of being casual with your partner, generally speaking

- being casual also means that you keep in touch with him casually, that might be once in a month, and the relationship soon dies out

 

Besides what I listed above, you are nearly 35. I'm not sure if you ever think of your future in 5 years, but I guess if you allow yourself to be in a casual relationship now and for the years to come, you might regret later on. So think of it very carefully. I had the chance to talk to older women without kids who were sort of regretting some of their past choices, looking back while in their 50s.

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Honestly, for what I have read on this forum so far, there's no such a thing as a casual thing in LDRs. That might be for various reasons, just to name a few:

- you need commitment to keep a LDR going

- constant connection with someone you are attracted to makes you fall in love, and this reason alone doesn't fit well in the picture of being casual with your partner, generally speaking

- being casual also means that you keep in touch with him casually, that might be once in a month, and the relationship soon dies out

 

Besides what I listed above, you are nearly 35. I'm not sure if you ever think of your future in 5 years, but I guess if you allow yourself to be in a casual relationship now and for the years to come, you might regret later on. So think of it very carefully. I had the chance to talk to older women without kids who were sort of regretting some of their past choices, looking back while in their 50s.

 

You make good points.

 

As it turns out, casual is not going to be an option because we just like each other too much. I guess I just wasn't sure really how it would work out being around each other. But it worked out amazingly well.

 

But as for the second part of it, he and I are both divorced and each have our own kids and are not looking for more. Part of the appeal of being with him is that I really like his future plans that he is actively working towards. I have a lot going on myself, but if we are able to make this work while we are both continuing on our current paths, we could eventually steer them towards each other. It would just require time and a lot of patience.

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But as for the second part of it, he and I are both divorced and each have our own kids and are not looking for more.

Ok! I didn't know about your situation, so I just thought I could mention that.

 

Part of the appeal of being with him is that I really like his future plans that he is actively working towards. I have a lot going on myself, but if we are able to make this work while we are both continuing on our current paths, we could eventually steer them towards each other. It would just require time and a lot of patience.
Good luck!
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