Should I keep this going?

[Inspirity]

Hey there, 1st post here as I really need some wise advice on my current situation.

 

I'll try and keep this simple.

 

Me and my gf met online almost 3 months ago and called ourselves bf & gf 2 weeks after talking everyday for hours. Soon after we both knew that we wanted to meet each other face to face so I booked a flight to go and visit her for a week, which I have done and arrived back from last week (so we met after 3 months) She is in another country but it's only 2 hours flight away. Since meeting each other online, she fell mad in love with me and told me things such as she always wants to be with me, how happy she is, how she imagines a future and family with me. Everything seemed perfect, she was counting down everyday until we met, and we were both so excited for the day to arrive. We rarely argued, we had no major differences and both felt so happy together. We then met for real and everything seemed good for the 1st 3 days of the week or so, then all of a sudden for the last 4 days I started to feel her acting a bit cold with me, such as not talking about the future as much or telling me how much she loves me as often. Although she did continue to want to hug, hold my hand, kiss, although I initiated some of these things, she seemed happy to do so and wouldn't prevent it or feel awkward about doing so. The night before I was going home I decided I had to know what the problem was as something did not feel right, she basically told me that part of the reason was the distance (though she said this would never stop us being together), but also that she didn't know how to explain the other part without sounding rude or mean to me. It sounded so negative and with me being a guy, I panicked and it sounded like a break up speech was coming so I called her fake about how she acted online. I acted completed out of order & let my emotions get the better of me, especially as she is my 1st true love, and I have difficulty in falling deeply in love with someone. She then started crying and saying how she was so upset that I called her fake, even though I know deep down I said this to try and hurt her as I thought she wanted to break up with me, I apologised and we talked the next day at the airport, she confirmed she still loves me (literally as I was just leaving to go to my flight), confirmed we are still together & gave me a long kiss goodbye. Since arriving home she tells me how much she misses me & how nice all our memories are, yet still wont explain what her problem was. I have just now been told by her that she does still love me but the way she loves me has changed since meeting her in person, this is really hurting me as I can't help but think she doesn't love me as much, or she had higher expectations of me and was possibly disappointed. We skyped so often and felt like we got to know each other so well before meeting, but she has felt something different since meeting me and I really don't know what it is and she will not explain to me what it is (even though I didn't help by being rude to her on the last day I was visitng her).

 

I really don't know what to do. It's been 5 days since I arrived home and I've felt terrible. I keep questioning myself what the problem could have been and whether I am even good enough for her anymore. I asked her earlier today if she still wanted to be together and she said yes but she is really eating away at me at the same time due to me feeling like this. I told her my feelings and she just avoids answering what the problem was with me after meeting me. I love her madly, and she still tells me she loves me but I really do not know what to do anymore. Should I just keep going and hope things get better? I even told her I might have to end it as I can't handle the pain of uncertainty with her not being 100% honest with me, she accused me of blackmailing her when I said this & now tries to act like it's no big deal. Any help from you would be great as this is distracting me so much. Long story short, she feels different about me since meeting and doesn't now love me the same way, yet she wont explain why or what she now exactly feels. Thanks in advance :)

[CherryT]

So you've been talking for 3 months and just recently came home after your first meeting. So you've been together for less than 4 months... I think you need to chill out a bit. Sometimes people take time to process their feelings and thoughts. You're coming on a bit strong and needy... you care too much about how much she tells you that she loves you after only 3-4 months. It's like you're expecting an immediate answer so you can resume your relationship... but you're not willing to just let the relationship develop organically.

 

You're asking should you keep going... you haven't invested much in this relationship (1 plane ticket and 3 months of talking) so you can pull away now or continue to see where it goes. If you continue, I would focus on the relationship and building more trust. Usually people are apprehensive of speaking their minds if they don't feel 100% comfortable. I can completely understand your GF's point of view, after only 3 months and 1 visit. As much as you're "in love" with her, if you were truly in love, you wouldn't think about giving up after 3 months and her not being able to explain her thoughts right away. If you were in love you'd want to support her, show her she can trust you and be comfortable opening up to you. As of right now, your constant asking of what that one issue was is probably doing the opposite of what you want her to do - open up.

 

Also, LDR's are not easy. You have to put the games aside and be mature about your situation. Sure you'll get into arguments but don't say things purposely to hurt the person you "love" so much. You're creating unnecessary tension when you could've just said "look. I want you to be able to tell me everything. I know we just met in person and this is happening so fast. Our feelings are so strong, but we still have to work to develop our relationship. I want you to know that I am here for you when YOU'RE ready to talk".

[Inspirity]

So you've been talking for 3 months and just recently came home after your first meeting. So you've been together for less than 4 months... I think you need to chill out a bit. Sometimes people take time to process their feelings and thoughts. You're coming on a bit strong and needy... you care too much about how much she tells you that she loves you after only 3-4 months. It's like you're expecting an immediate answer so you can resume your relationship... but you're not willing to just let the relationship develop organically.

 

You're asking should you keep going... you haven't invested much in this relationship (1 plane ticket and 3 months of talking) so you can pull away now or continue to see where it goes. If you continue, I would focus on the relationship and building more trust. Usually people are apprehensive of speaking their minds if they don't feel 100% comfortable. I can completely understand your GF's point of view, after only 3 months and 1 visit. As much as you're "in love" with her, if you were truly in love, you wouldn't think about giving up after 3 months and her not being able to explain her thoughts right away. If you were in love you'd want to support her, show her she can trust you and be comfortable opening up to you. As of right now, your constant asking of what that one issue was is probably doing the opposite of what you want her to do - open up.

 

Also, LDR's are not easy. You have to put the games aside and be mature about your situation. Sure you'll get into arguments but don't say things purposely to hurt the person you "love" so much. You're creating unnecessary tension when you could've just said "look. I want you to be able to tell me everything. I know we just met in person and this is happening so fast. Our feelings are so strong, but we still have to work to develop our relationship. I want you to know that I am here for you when YOU'RE ready to talk".

 

Thanks, just spoke to someone else that basically covered the same things. With this all being new to me I wasn't sure of how to judge the situation. I'll put this aside and carry on as I would normally do so with her.

[justwhoiam]

I agree with what CherryT wrote.

 

But - as an alternative, or in addition to that - (I think you're both very young), I would try to get to know what was wrong by giving her some hints. Avoid pressuring her. Make her feel at ease with you. Be calm and relaxed. If after a couple of days of talking, she still doesn't say anything about what was wrong, you can tell her that you're sorry about your reaction and would really like to help her by providing some clues, and she can just answer yes or no to a few questions. You need to accept those yes or no.

 

Examples:

Was there a moment when you felt I did anything wrong or the wrong way? (Yes/No)

Did I say anything you didn't like? (Yes/No)

Were you let down by me in any way?

 

Don't go on with that for too long. But you'll both feel better. You'll feel nearer the truth, and she will feel she has given you clues. It's essential you can keep your cool, don't show any sign of tension, show her you can manage things. And that you don't think bad things of her just because she got a bit cold towards you.

 

To me, something didn't click as expected by her or you did something wrong. I really hope for you it's the latter. As you can make up for that, while if it just didn't click, there's not much you can do. I would think chances are it's the latter, as she still kissed you, she said she loves you, etc. So maybe she's just unsure about something or got weirded out somehow...