Why did you pursue a LDR?

[soccerrprp]

I am certain that this has been answered in many ways. Perhaps there's a thread exactly like this, but wanted to give it a go anyway.

 

All of you that have or are in a LDR, why? What makes you think that it's worth the effort knowing all of the complications and disadvantages? What is the appeal?

 

I have an ex that did when she was younger and her story seemed incredulous to me. What is your story?

[LittleTiger]

Easy....because he is the best thing that ever happened to me!

 

He's not perfect and neither am I, but we are perfect for each other!

 

If you're interested in my story you can find it in my back posts.

 

In the words of Robert from 'The Bridges of Madison County' - because "this kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime".

 

Bit soppy perhaps, but happens to be true for us.

 

Oh, and just to clarify, nobody pursues a LDR. You just meet someone who is extra special and they just happen to be further away than you'd like. C'est la vie! Cupid probably never took geography lessons!

[soccerrprp]

Understood. Wondering if people met their SO locally and then became LD or met online and started as LDR.

 

My ex found her ex-husband online, thousands of miles away and went for it. Very interesting story on her part and frankly, rash in some of her decision making.

 

What do you people in a LDR see, feel knowing that he/she is hundreds, thousands of miles away?

[CherryT]

Why? Because he is the only person I want to be with and distance is just a technicality for us at this moment.

 

We met locally but we were both on vacation. I guess that old adage is cheesy and true: when you know, you know. And we know. Being a 3 hour plane ride apart isn't easy - we miss each other dearly. But I would say that our relationship is the "easiest" I've been in... meaning, we don't convince each other of what we want or what we want to do. Somehow our life goals and dreams are just inline with one another. I didn't seek it out but it happened and I'm so glad my world has been turned upside down. I'm not young and naive and I've had my share of long term relationships but he is hands down the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I'd be crazy to let something like distance get in the way of this once-in-a-lifetime love. Sometimes you take chances and they work out... in a LDR you should balance and plan. I'm not sure exactly what you're looking for, but by referencing your ex and your ex's experience with her ex, it sounds like you feel you may not have compared? You mentioned her bad decision making, perhaps she jumped the gun and the struggles of being local became too hard. Which is why I said to balance and plan... I could move to my love today. But we want to ensure we save and plan well enough so that when I move, we will be in the best possible position (financially, emotionally etc). If you're meant to be together, it will and can happen. I think a lot of downfalls for LDR is when you move too soon because you can't help but want to be together right away and then reality sets in (bills, job hunting, etc) and the relationship can't take the exterior issues. It's always good to plan, it doesn't mean you don't love each other more, in fact I think it means you love each other most to endure this for the time being until it's right to make that move.

[soccerrprp]

Thanks CherryT. No, I have no feelings of inadequacy from past relationship. I was referencing her experience b/c she's the only person I know that has had a LDR in the past.

 

How often do you LDR-ers see each other? I'm not naive to think that love cannot flourish in a LDR setting, but curious about others experiences in this.

 

Is it also possible, of it could be, that local options just weren't working out?

 

Thanks all.

[HeavenOrHell]

I didn't pursue and LDR, he contacted me on a r/ship site, I didn't go looking for r/ships in different countries, I assumed if I was going to meet someone it would be in my country, if he'd been any further away than he is I doubt I'd have take it any further seeing as I won't fly, (phobic) so it would be impossible and frustrating.

 

Pretty early on after we met face to face he suggested he'd move over within a couple of years, so we were sure we had a future, we got close quickly. But he couldn't move and nor can I, so 3 years on we're still long distance.

 

There's no appeal in being in an LDR for me/us, except we love each other, and don't want to walk away, tried it and got back together.

 

The only advantage to me is that I lived for nearly 20 years with my ex and am not sure I want to live with someone again as I worry it will get dull/routine, (my hang up, I know, scared to get *that* close again) so in a way an LDR suits me, but would prefer if we lived in the same country/a lot closer, at least.

 

The one good thing is you're far less likely to take them for granted and you appreciate avery little thing and look forward to visits and time together is special, that is one thing I would miss about an LDR if we weren't together anymore.

 

 

 

I am certain that this has been answered in many ways. Perhaps there's a thread exactly like this, but wanted to give it a go anyway.

 

All of you that have or are in a LDR, why? What makes you think that it's worth the effort knowing all of the complications and disadvantages? What is the appeal?

 

I have an ex that did when she was younger and her story seemed incredulous to me. What is your story?

[HeavenOrHell]

Duplicate post.

[HeavenOrHell]

He's not the one love of my life, been there done that, so's he, people can have more than one, but he is special and what we have is special, he's who I want to be with now.

[soccerrprp]

 

The one good thing is you're far less likely to take them for granted and you appreciate avery little thing and look forward to visits and time together is special, that is one thing I would miss about an LDR if we weren't together anymore.

 

Thank you. I especially understand this. So may I venture to say that people who are more independent, secure are the ones to most dive into a LDR? Most successful?

[HeavenOrHell]

Met online to begin with, met IRL after 3 months, have since met about 20-25 times. 800 miles, not far compared to many.

I don't feel far away from him generally because we have a lot of daily contact, and we feel close.

I have phases where I struggle but it's usually because communication isn't as great, ie work stress or illness, I miss him, but it's bearable, generally, we meet about every 6-8 weeks, longer than that and I doubt very much I'd be ok with it.

 

 

Understood. Wondering if people met their SO locally and then became LD or met online and started as LDR.

 

My ex found her ex-husband online, thousands of miles away and went for it. Very interesting story on her part and frankly, rash in some of her decision making.

 

What do you people in a LDR see, feel knowing that he/she is hundreds, thousands of miles away?

[soccerrprp]

Met online to begin with, met IRL after 3 months, have since met about 20-25 times. 800 miles, not far compared to many.

I don't feel far away from him generally because we have a lot of daily contact, and we feel close.

I have phases where I struggle but it's usually because communication isn't as great, ie work stress or illness, I miss him, but it's bearable, generally, we meet about every 6-8 weeks, longer than that and I doubt very much I'd be ok with it.

 

Every 6-8 weeks! Yikes. May I also assume that LDR-ers are likely of an older, more mature demographic, generally?

[HeavenOrHell]

I lived with my ex for nearly 20 years, so was new on the market after that. I'm shy and not into clubs and pubs and groups etc, so online is a good way for me to meet like minded people, maybe I'd have met someone locally eventually, I don't know, I'm late 40's and it's not too easy for meeting single men at my age, had no problem in my 20's. I'm also unconventional which doesn't make it easy, but I didn't actually give myself a chance to meet someone new locally, all my ex's were people I met locally, this LDR is the first time I met a partner online.

 

Love can definitely flourish in an LDR, but it wouldn't work for me without frequent visits to fully sustain it.

 

Thanks CherryT. No, I have no feelings of inadequacy from past relationship. I was referencing her experience b/c she's the only person I know that has had a LDR in the past.

 

How often do you LDR-ers see each other? I'm not naive to think that love cannot flourish in a LDR setting, but curious about others experiences in this.

 

Is it also possible, of it could be, that local options just weren't working out?

 

Thanks all.

[HeavenOrHell]

No, at all, in this forum there are couples of all ages.

 

You mean yikes as in 6-8 weeks is a long time? You get used to it! We have no end in sight, so we take things day to day.

 

 

Every 6-8 weeks! Yikes. May I also assume that LDR-ers are likely of an older, more mature demographic, generally?

[HeavenOrHell]

I am quite indepenedent, but not the most secure of people/low self esteem, especially after my ex left. It was hard in the early days when he was still very close to his ex and she was staying over every weekend and in the same bed as he only has one But I trust him, so knew he wouldn't cheat, so maybe I'm more secure than I think

 

I am independent but I do miss him, I get lonely, but not to the extent I can't handle it, although I've had phases where I thought I can't do this, I need more. It's also quite good for me to learn to be happy on my own most of the time, after having 20 years of constant loving companionship.

 

My choices are make the most of what we have, or walk away and miss him like hell.

 

Thank you. I especially understand this. So may I venture to say that people who are more independent, secure are the ones to most dive into a LDR? Most successful?

[CherryT]

Thanks CherryT. No, I have no feelings of inadequacy from past relationship. I was referencing her experience b/c she's the only person I know that has had a LDR in the past.

 

How often do you LDR-ers see each other? I'm not naive to think that love cannot flourish in a LDR setting, but curious about others experiences in this.

 

Is it also possible, of it could be, that local options just weren't working out?

 

Thanks all.

 

I see mine for a weekend every 2-4 weeks. We try our best to see each other twice a month, but we both have careers and things do change. We also commit our holidays together so we can spend at least 2+ weeks together.

 

For me, I actually went on a date 2 days before I met him. It's just chemistry. I met a bunch of nice guys locally, but they just weren't "the one". It's hard to put into words what you are looking for until you find it. There's also something about the commitment that two people make to endure a LDR together, that makes the relationship stronger (in our case anyway). It's not convenient to be in a LDR so when two people really want it, that commitment is unbreakable. Of course, age and timing play a huge factor. My BF and I met eachother at the perfect time in our lives. We have decent careers so we are able to afford going back and forth as often as we do. We are also working towards similar goals - we're at the age that we want to get married and start thinking about kids. Had we met each other a few years back, not sure if we'd be on the same page. Which isn't much different from local relationships.

 

For us, we're two independent people who are striving for the same goals together. We don't plan on being LD for more than we "have" to, but we understand that timing is important. My LDR has helped me with patience (god did I need it in the beginning because you want to be with that person all the time), communication, and dedication. I can honestly say that no other man has worked so hard to be with me, even if they had it easy and were local and I can say that I've never worked so hard to be with someone else. Love is love wherever you find it. For some it can work and for others it can't... it really depends on the two people involved. Just like a local relationship. Compatibility and communication is so key and if you have that, then you can work through anything. I think in local relationship that takes a lot longer to figure out... because you have the convenience of someone being there all the time that you may not see red flags until way later. No one is pressured into maintaining a LDR so cards tend to be on the table quicker.

[CherryT]

Every 6-8 weeks! Yikes. May I also assume that LDR-ers are likely of an older, more mature demographic, generally?

 

Not necessarily. We are in the 26-34 demo... but we are independent.

[Pyro]

I am certain that this has been answered in many ways. Perhaps there's a thread exactly like this, but wanted to give it a go anyway.

 

All of you that have or are in a LDR, why? What makes you think that it's worth the effort knowing all of the complications and disadvantages? What is the appeal?

 

I have an ex that did when she was younger and her story seemed incredulous to me. What is your story?

 

To put it simply, it was worth the risk.

[CherryT]

I am quite indepenedent, but not the most secure of people/low self esteem, especially after my ex left. It was hard in the early days when he was still very close to his ex and she was staying over every weekend and in the same bed as he only has one But I trust him, so knew he wouldn't cheat, so maybe I'm more secure than I think

 

I am independent but I do miss him, I get lonely, but not to the extent I can't handle it, although I've had phases where I thought I can't do this, I need more. It's also quite good for me to learn to be happy on my own most of the time, after having 20 years of constant loving companionship.

 

My choices are make the most of what we have, or walk away and miss him like hell.

 

What's poignant in this is that we would rather wait to see the person we're with then to walk away and miss them. We all have different personalities and when you meet someone who matches it (conventional or not) it's unusual. Well, for me it is. I've never met someone where we've just connected. I don't need to convince him to do anything. We don't even have to compromise because we generally want the same things in life.

 

I know how to be by myself and I was on my own for a long time because I didn't want to jump into another 4+ year relationship and wake up unhappy or feel drained for trying to position what I want in life and convince my partner to do it with me. I wanted to hold out because I was looking for that partnership/marriage. I was absolutely OK being single for as long as I had to be (even OK that it may not come to me) because I had goals in life and wanted to achieve them on my own or with someone who truly wanted to be there. It just so happens that I found the one nearly 2000 miles away from me.

 

To say that it's hard is true. But at the same time, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I feel the most loved then I ever have.

[ana0pera]

I wasn't looking for an LDR, but he contacted me and we started talking, became good friends, and decided to meet IRL. We were both having fun with it at the time and we clicked in-person even more than we did on online. It's not the same anymore, don't know if we are even still together, but for a while I felt like we completed each other in a way that I haven't felt before, and it was worth being with him even if it meant I didn't get to see him regularly, because it just made our actual time together more special. I don't know if I believe that anymore, but that is why I pursued an LDR in the first place. Can't say I'd do it again, if I did both of us would need to have impeccable communication skills and my mental health needs to improve so that I can trust again.

[soccerrprp]

I wasn't looking for an LDR, but he contacted me and we started talking, became good friends, and decided to meet IRL. We were both having fun with it at the time and we clicked in-person even more than we did on online. It's not the same anymore, don't know if we are even still together, but for a while I felt like we completed each other in a way that I haven't felt before, and it was worth being with him even if it meant I didn't get to see him regularly, because it just made our actual time together more special. I don't know if I believe that anymore, but that is why I pursued an LDR in the first place. Can't say I'd do it again, if I did both of us would need to have impeccable communication skills and my mental health needs to improve so that I can trust again.

 

How far away was/is he? Sorry to hear it isn't working out.

[PepperPotts]

We met in graduate school, but he was a year ahead of me. When he graduated and moved home (1200 miles away) we started LDR. That was last May. We see each other every 2-3 months. For statistical purposes, we're in our mid-twenties.

 

He'd done LDR before with his college girlfriend and swore he never would again. I had always sworn I'd never do it period. But we felt like our relationship was worth the risk, and worth waiting for. We could put an end date on the distance (47 days!).

 

Basically, we Statute of Perpetuities'd our relationship-- the day after my graduation we would either break up (or would have already done so) or I would move to his state. Knowing it would only (ha) be for a year was what made it possible for us-- I have a lot of respect for the people who do LDR with no end in sight because I know I'd never survive it.

 

I will do it again for *him* if something ever comes up, but I would never seek out a long distance relationship. It was the right move for us because we were fairly confident at the time that this relationship, if it survived the year, would be permanent.

[ana0pera]

How far away was/is he? Sorry to hear it isn't working out.

 

He's in Northern Europe, I am on the West Coast of the U.S. I honestly don't think the distance is an issue, I think it's our ability to compromise. I'm willing to move around my schedule to talk to him at pretty much any hour of the day (fortunately my current position allows for that) but his schedule lacks that flexibility and there are conflicts because of that. On the flipside, he has more flexibility with traveling than I do at the moment, but just because he can travel doesn't mean he will, and honestly he shouldn't if I am going to be too busy to spend a lot of time with him while he's here (travel is super expensive from our cities--boo)! I do wonder if we met at different times in our lives if things would've been easier or just the same.

[FitChick]

I can't settle for geographic convenience. I want the best guy for me.

[FitChick]

travel is super expensive from our cities.

 

Have you tried meeting halfway, like in Canada or the East Coast of US? American carriers are always running deals for trips within the US at bargain rates but you can't plan that far ahead. A three or four day weekend (call in sick) are better than nothing.

[justwhoiam]

All of you that have or are in a LDR, why?

It's as if you were asking me "Why is your dad tall?" or small, or anything like that. I know you can't choose a father (usually), while you can choose a boyfriend or a husband, but I think love works in mysterious ways. At least mysterious to us.

 

What makes you think that it's worth the effort knowing all of the complications and disadvantages? What is the appeal?

Your questions sound funny to me. It's as if you were out shopping and picking up the product that suits you best. Love is not that. Falling in love doesn't mean that you consider the pros and the cons and choose accordingly. Reason has little to do with falling in love. You can choose a boyfriend using your reason, but most of the time you wouldn't be in love with him. You would be just adapting yourself to a situation. So if you have to adapt, better doing so when you're really in love.