To hold on or to let go?

[breakmyfall]

My ex and I met when I had already booked all my flights to leave the country to go travelling for a year. We started off as a casual thing as we knew I'd be leaving in 6 months, but we fell head over heels in love. 6 months later I had to leave the country...I was travelling for about 5 months till I finally arrived in Canada, which is where I've been for 2 months and plan on staying for 7 or 8 more months.

 

Over these 7 months that i've been gone we havent had an official LDR but we have always been in touch over messages (it was pretty much daily over the first few months, then it started decreasing). He has never wanted to really do an LDR as he thinks it's too stressful when the other person is across the world, plus the fact that before me he'd been single for 7 years and he has some issues with commitment doesn't help either.

 

So he doesn't want to be in an LDR, however he refuses to let me go. Every single time i have said i want to cut contact because i need to move on, he has been extremely upset. He has never said "I'm waiting for you" but has hinted at it many times, even dedicating the song "I will wait" by Mumford and Sons, to me.

 

He is a "live in the moment" kind of guy, and constantly tells me to just live my life and let things be, whatever will be will be etc. I try to be okay with that but I'm always worried sick that he may meet someone else before i get back and that i'll lose him for good. I love this guy so much but i dont want to make plans to come early for someone who i'm not even sure will want to be with me when i get back.

 

Last week he said he still loves me. But the way i see it is, if he really did, he would fight for me. He wouldnt just "let it be". He knows i could meet someone else in the next few months and that he could lose me forever, however he'd rather believe that the universe knows what its doing and all that crap.

 

I want to move on, but the fact that we're still in contact makes it impossible. I have tried so many times to cut contact but i feel almost physically sick every time i try, because deep down i dont want to shut the door on us. I want to get back together with him when i get home, but it's still a while away and this is keeping me from really enjoying my time here.

 

Every time i try to let go, he'll send a msg that indicates he still has strong feelings for me and misses me, and then i get stuck daydreaming about us again.

 

I feel if we're in touch i won't move on, but if we're not, then he might forget about me completely, and i dont want that.

 

What to do?

[breakmyfall]

anyone?

[Sinner86]

You answered your own question. If he really loved you, there wouldn't be any question to be asked here. The fact that you worry about him forgetting you is an indicator of doubt, why would you want to sicken yourself with doubt? LDR's are good and bad, the more distance, the harder it is. Consider lessening your contact with him, not responding when he says I miss you or I love you. It may hurt, but I can almost guarantee if you aren't feeding his flakiness, you'll see where he stands in no time.

[HeavenOrHell]

He says he doesn't want to be in an LDR, but you've already been in one the last few months, I think 7 or 8 months more is nothing in the big scheme of things, I think he should be appreciative of the fact you will be back before too long and if he doesn't want to wait then he should stop contact with you so you can move on.

 

 

I feel if we're in touch i won't move on, but if we're not, then he might forget about me completely, and i dont want that.

 

 

You can't have it both ways though, you either stay in touch and continue in limbo, or you stop contact and move on. I think personally I would say I would like to try and make things work when I get back, but how do you (he) feel about that, and that you need some sort of sign of commitment otherwise this isn't what you want.

[AdamUK]

My 'ex' and I are in a similar situation to you, and I am also of a similar mindset to him and not you, so I thought I may aswell share how it feels to be on the other side.

 

I love my ex, more than I've loved anyone, and it sounds like he loves you too, but isn't cut out for long distance. It's hard. It hurts not being able to reach out and touch, to look into each others eyes, cuddle up and talk about anything and everything. I think everyone in any kind of LDR knows that, but for me, it made me unhappy not being able to do those things, and then I'd get angry.

 

The time we'd spend together wasn't good, and it isn't because I stopped loving her, it's because I can't cope with the distance, and it was just a downhill spiral. I had to end the relationship, and we have tried to stay friends. She was distraught, but afterwards the time we'd spend talking was much better, and like it used to be when we first got to know each other. We ended up talking just as much as we used to, still fall asleep on the phone or on skype, and wake up and carry on talking till one of us had to go to work or class.

 

We crossed the line from friends, and when she wanted to talk about it, all my unhappy and angry feelings came back. It sounds very selfish, but not giving the commitment and feeling like I have to only talk using technology made it amazing to spend time with her. As soon as needing to commit came back, it made it impossible for me.

 

We now still talk, but made some ground rules at where to draw the line. We don't message each other if we're at work or class. We don't fall asleep together. I've tried to properly move on and be with other people, but when it comes to talking to them, I think about her, and when it came to seal the physical deal, I have been physically unable to do it.

 

She has talked about cutting contact with me, but it's not what either of us want. The problem is, she can cope with the distance, and I can't. You need to decide what you really want, and what you're able to deal with, because sadly for you and my ex, the one who wants the least has the power in these situations.

 

I meant to type a short post, so basically I am trying to say that it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want to be with you in the future, it just means he's unable to deal with the distance.

[FitChick]

OP Why can't he come to visit you in the next few months?

[breakmyfall]

Thanks for all your replies guys

 

@Sinner86 deep down I think you're right. If he really loved me, I'd know. There would be no need for me to question it. It's his flakiness that makes me question. Then again, I have been gone for over 7 months and his feelings for me are still there, we have never stayed official so he could have just moved on to someone else if he wanted to. I do think he has strong feelings for me but isn't cut out for long distance. Before me he was single for over 7 years (after breaking up with his gf of 7 years), so the idea of commitment seems to freak him out a bit.

 

@HeavenorHell that's what I think too....it's already been over 7 months of distance and we still like each other, what's another 7 months? these past 7 months went by so fast (even though sometimes it felt like ages cause i have missed him so bad). He said a couple of times that he hasn't given up on me, he has just given up on "this whole process and the brain damage it entails" (trying to keep an LDR). He thinks it's just too stressful to make this sort of commitment and constantly worry about what the other is getting up to in the other side of the world. But he has said a few times that "all possibilities are open". This talk you are suggesting, we have had a few times, and his answer is always along the lines of "we need to let things be". Over the first 4 to 5 months of me being away, we were trying to make it work long distance but we ended up having a lot of arguments, he hates technology with a passion (didnt even know how to use facebook or skype until I taught him) and he hated the obligation of daily messaging, frequent skyping etc. So around Jan we sort of called it off but have remained in contact since...however we message a lot less these days (only once or twice a week)

 

@AdamUK wow, it was so nice to read your post and see it from a different perspective. Are you and you ex long distance for good? I mean, was anyone planning on moving to be with the other? My ex is similar to you, although he hates technology (always has, it was a nightmare to get him to use facebook, skype and whatsapp), so to him that was a big issue, because being in an LDR means to constantly have to be "online" (messaging, skyping, whatsapping etc) and he hates all of that. Even then, he'd still message me every day, but sometimes we'd go a couple of days without messaging and I'd get upset, and he didnt want to have that sort of "obligation".

 

I understand you love your ex but can't cope with the distance...but dont you worry that she might end up meeting someone else in the meantime and fall in love, and you could lose her forever? I genuinely want to know, because this is what cuts me the most...I'm not an unnatractive person, he knows there's a chance i could meet another guy and decide to not even come home, yet he's willing to take that risk by not fighting for me.

 

@FitChick He could come visit me. He gets paid well and could come for a few weeks, take some time off work. We talked about it many times before i left, and even the first few months after me leaving, he was the one who had the idea in the first place. But then after all the arguments we had and his indecision, he decided to drop the idea altogether. It's been a couple of months since he hasnt brought it up at all, and every time i tried to bring it up we ended up fighting. It hurts even more because it's nearly April and thats when he initially planned on coming, so if he hadnt dropped the idea, it would be almost time for us to reunite now.

[AdamUK]

Breakmyfall, she will be back here in August, she doesn't know if it'll be permanant as it depends on what university offers she will be having.

 

Yes it's a risk, and it isn't what I want. But it's a risk I have to take. The alternative is being constantly upset and angry, making the time we spend together unpleasant, and taking my frustrations out on her. She deserves better than that, and for me to actually function and keep my sanity, I just cannot do it.

 

I don't want to let her go, but I can't cope with how things are. What I know is, if we commited to each other, it would be awful because of me, and we'd start to resent each other. If we don't, there's a chance for us to stay friends and work things out when we can see each other regularly. If she finds someone new, I will be gutted, but she deserves more than I can give right now, and it will be my own fault.

 

It's a horrible situation on both sides, and I hope we can work it out in the future. I don't know if this is of any use to you, but maybe it'll help you realise you aren't the one to blame.

[LittleTiger]

This may sound a bit harsh, but here's my view.

 

You made a decision to go travelling and you've stuck with that decision. It doesn't sound as though you have any regrets so you've done the right thing.

 

There is a guy back home who you love and he has strong feelings for you, but he's made it clear he doesn't want a LDR and he doesn't want to come and visit you while you're away. I think I read elsewhere on the forum that you are also 'kissing' other guys during your travels, so there is clearly no agreement that you are expected to be faithful to one another during this time apart?

 

Sometimes life throws tough choices at us. This is one of those times. You are not willing to give up your travelling for someone who is not committed to you (wise girl!) and yet you want to hang on to the possibility of a relationship with him in the future. No problem with that, unless you allow it to affect your enjoyment of the present.

 

Neither of you is doing anything wrong here. Neither of you is making any commitment to a future so just enjoy the friendship, have fun and see what happens when you get home. Your only other option is to give up the travelling and run home to 'claim' him. Somehow I don't think that's a real consideration is it?

[breakmyfall]

@AdamUK I see my ex in a lot of the things you said. Like you, he also said this whole situation was making him frustrated and angry. That when we were together he felt so free and liberated, yet when we were apart it was all pressure and stress. He thought that trying to make a LDR work would cause us so much stress that it would eventually ruin what we had/have, whereas if we just stay friends, there's a much higher chance that we can make it work in the future. It was very helpful to read this from you because I was being all emotions and no brain, and seeing that someone else has the same perspective as my ex definitely helps me understand him a bit better. It still hurts that he isn't fighting for me, but I guess long distance isn't for everyone.

 

@LittleTiger It didn't sound harsh at all I definitely don't regret sticking to my decision of travelling. This has been by far the best experience of my life, and had I given it up for him, I probably would have resented him later. He also encouraged me to do it from the moment I told him, he knew it would be great for me, something I always wanted to do. He wouldn't let me pay for any dinners or anything we did together, cause he said I should save my money for the trip. I was working 2 jobs to save more money, and he'd come pick me up at the second job at 11:30 pm to drive me home, even though he had to get up early the next day. He took me shopping for things i needed for the trip, helped me pack up my whole room. That's the kind of amazing guy he is.

 

Yes we did agree beforehand that we were both free to do whatever/see other people, and no need to tell the other unless it actually meant something or we thought it was going to become a relationship. All of the guys I have met since I left have meant absolutely nothing to me.

 

I'm not going home early to 'claim' him for the very reason you mentioned: he isn't committed to me and I have no guarantees he'll even be waiting for me, so there is no point. However I can't seem to let go of the hope that we'll be back together later in the year when I get back, and I feel like this hope somehow holds me back, that I'm not enjoying my time here as much as i could/should because he's always on my mind, i get upset when i dont hear from him for a few days, every weekend i worry sick that that might be the weekend he'll meet someone, fall in love and forget all about me.

 

If i could live day after day without letting this hope of reuniting with him affect my life, it would be great....but it takes up a lot of my thoughts, and that's what i can't stand....that's why i wonder if it would be better for me to cut contact with him altogether till i get back, or just stay friends with him anyway and put up with the emotional rollercoaster it causes me, for the sake of keeping the doors open for us.

[justwhoiam]

We started off as a casual thing as we knew I'd be leaving in 6 months, but we fell head over heels in love.

...

Over these 7 months that i've been gone we havent had an official LDR but we have always been in touch over messages (it was pretty much daily over the first few months, then it started decreasing).

...

So he doesn't want to be in an LDR, however he refuses to let me go. Every single time i have said i want to cut contact because i need to move on, he has been extremely upset. He has never said "I'm waiting for you" but has hinted at it many times, even dedicating the song "I will wait" by Mumford and Sons, to me.

 

He is a "live in the moment" kind of guy, and constantly tells me to just live my life and let things be, whatever will be will be etc. I try to be okay with that but I'm always worried sick that he may meet someone else before i get back and that i'll lose him for good. I love this guy so much but i dont want to make plans to come early for someone who i'm not even sure will want to be with me when i get back.

 

Last week he said he still loves me. But the way i see it is, if he really did, he would fight for me. He wouldnt just "let it be". He knows i could meet someone else in the next few months and that he could lose me forever, however he'd rather believe that the universe knows what its doing and all that crap.

 

I want to move on, but the fact that we're still in contact makes it impossible. I have tried so many times to cut contact but i feel almost physically sick every time i try, because deep down i dont want to shut the door on us. I want to get back together with him when i get home, but it's still a while away and this is keeping me from really enjoying my time here.

 

Every time i try to let go, he'll send a msg that indicates he still has strong feelings for me and misses me, and then i get stuck daydreaming about us again.

...

What to do?

Did you realize you're both playing games? He surely doesn't want to get in the way with your plans or be blamed on for ruining them... but he doesn't want to lose you either. If he were more forward, maybe you'd be here complaining that he's ruining your plans, "if he really loved me, he'd let me do this thing I've been waiting for long time...". In turn, you're not being very open about your feelings, you're sort of withdrawing seeing he's not that head over heels in love with you, and you don't want to show you're so in love with him that can't stop thinking of him while being miles and miles away, each day. So you're both to blame. Now, you can risk it and open up telling him you thought your feelings for him were milder, but found out they're very strong. And then ask him how he really feels about you. If his feelings are mild, you can decide to let him go. If he feels the same way as you do, then plan something together. I understand it was unexpected for the both of you, but isn't it exciting?

[Standard-Fare]

I know this thread is way old, but I was interested in this story. Breakmyfall, any updates on what's happening here? I am rooting for you guys.

 

What I simply don't understand, though, is why he won't come visit you. Of course it's not going to solve all the problems you guys have, but it would go such a long way in rekindling your affection, confirming your feelings for each other, and giving you a better chance in the future.

 

You say that when the topic comes up, it causes a fight. What exactly does he have to say about it? Does he give specific reasons for not coming? Have you ever straight-out told him how important it is to you?