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My boyfreind is afraid to commit ):


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Hey everybody,

My boyfriend is deployed , we are toghetter one year and half . I were talking to him about his plans when he came back to USA . He were just talking about him self without mention me . I were very sad and he answered back I know but I'm just realstic . I do see my self toghetter with u in Futur but I'm sacred that things won't work out . I replied the love is a risk . And if u keep this way it may be not will work plus the Relashionship need a perspective. I were mad and o told well I will keep studying and let the time tell . Please help I don't want settle for less . I love him so much . I m just confused ....

Edited by lost888
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PepperPotts

I know what you're going through and have been there (am there) myself. When my boyfriend said the same thing to me (I still believe you're the one but I'm worried about what will happen if it doesn't work out) I panicked and thought he was breaking up with me. He wasn't. When we finally were able to talk it out, we got back on the same page: we love each other, we want to be together, but we both recognize that all relationships inherently come with a risk: they might end. Your boyfriend is the only one who can decide if that risk is acceptable to him. If he decides it isn't, you will be the one who has to decide if you really wanted a guy who was dumb enough to essentially choose the bad outcome now because the bad outcome might theoretically happen some day, or if you should be glad you can find someone better for you.

 

Your boyfriend is in a situation where he doesn't necessarily know that he will even make it back to the USA, let alone make it back and be able to continue with you.

 

A lot of people are afraid of change, and transitioning from long distance to in-person is a MAJOR change, even if you were in-person before, and even if it's what you both truly want. It's a big deal. Men have a need to make the women they are with happy. He needs to feel like he makes you happy, and you appreciate and respect him. The problem is, even if you ARE happy, if he suspects he *isn't* making you happy, his needs won't be met and he'll be out. There may not be anything you can do about this-- if he thinks some part of his behavior is unacceptable, he will decide it is making you unhappy, even if it isn't.

 

So it's a lot of pressure on a man to know that a woman is waiting to be with him in-person, apparently expecting him to make her happy. And you've been together for a long time, but by the time he gets back you will have been apart for a long time too. For all he knows, you might have grown into different people, or his service might have changed him so much that he can't give you what he could before.

 

It's a scary thing for him-- it should be a scary thing for you too. But it will be alright.

 

The best thing you can do right now is take everything one day at a time. Until his return gets closer, focus on making your distance relationship the best that it can be. Be there for him, and be understanding when he can't be there for you. Give him the space to not worry about the future, and gently encourage him (through your attitude and love) to focus on who you are together as a couple, right now.

 

It's hard to not know what the future will bring. Believe me, I know. But that's the same feeling your guy is having now (compounded by the intense stress of being deployed)-- he's just expressing it differently. You're afraid the relationship might not work out because he isn't committing-- he isn't committing because he's afraid the relationship might not work out and doesn't want to set himself up to be hurt/to hurt you anymore than he has to.

 

Try your best to understand him right now, though it's hard. We are all here for you to support you while you have to be apart, and while you're feeling so nervous and uncertain.

 

Love IS a risk. And you do need perspective. So try to see things the way he does, and try to help both of you orient to making TODAY the best it can be.

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Thanks so much for your reply pepperpotts :-) I guess I have just to wait and give it time . I'm now studying to be a Nurse and I have to focus on my tests .it s too much for me . It's hard to have a balance. He called me yesterday and told me he don't want to loose me . He do imagine us as a old couple but very scarred to marry he were divorced two times . He can't promise something . He is also realistic but in the same time he do love ne . I were confused and answered him that yesterday were last time talking about the Futur .it s better we give it Time . I don't be selfish .he has many stress at work ,don't want too pushy . Well just God knows what the Futur holds .

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You were together in person 18 months... to me that's long enough to know, unless you're 18. He's not sure about you, and yet he wants you to stay loyal to him and not meet other people... Watch out because as a female, your time is more valuable, and you come out worse when it doesn't work out. Hmmm... I'd take a few steps back.

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Hey eggplant, I'm 32 years old and he is 39 .his ex wife did him wrong AMD hurt him alot.he has a kid with her ,she punisch him by using the kid .I think he is very afraid to deal with the same chapter. I have many problems right now and I try not to suffocate my self .it s just easy to say than to do but I try to keep my self busy and not to drive my self crazy..

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