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make or break?? a test with a long long distance relationship


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Lovestolove

So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years

He is a sweet kind caring guy whom i can trust

which isnt the easiest with me as my other longest serious realtionship(3yrs)

the guy cheated on me with a very close freind which i onyl discovered half a year after i broke it off

 

So in a few month ill be living in another country for a year due to study

i already did long dis. with my ex for 1and a half years and after 1yr it was like major doubt time about the relationship

 

my current Bf im really attached in a way i find makes me weak like I really Love him but the catch isssss.... he errr.... to my guilty silent little shame is that... he said he does not love me and has never felt he has loved anyone!

which still shock me as he is such a sweet little shy at time sweet lovely kindhearted guy! and sooooo good with animals, oh my god u should see him with his dog <3

but anyway it hurt alot at the beginning and has got tto the point where im no longer able to tell him i love him, as things can feel a lil awkward

But i really do feel strongly cared for and appreciated though!

 

but theres another things that concerns me the most he said he doesnt want childnre and he 9years older than me in his mid thirties so i think he's probably set in his ways

but gdamnti he'd make an amazing dad i just know it

and i reeeeallllly want kids someday, defo not now maybe in 4/5years

we almost broke up once kinda for a day, i neer cried so much in my life it was his decisions as he felt he was not good enough and stuff(low self esteem for my sweet gorgeous man) but i sensensed it was my messines too perhaps but also that i want kids and he doesnt

 

Part of me is saying i should let it go and find some1else more suitable, who wants kids for example

but i feel so attached like superglue to paper if that makes sense

i feel part of his family an can see a future but when it comes to looking into the distant future i woorry about our issues about kids...

am i wasting my time

 

im wondering if doing the long distance is like ripping the plaster off slowly rather than ripping it off fast and painfully

I am hoping for hope and find it IMPOSSIBLE to let go!!! HELP PLEASE!!!! xxx

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You're in the perfect situation to end it because you have a good excuse -- you are leaving the country. You will probably meet someone new who wants what you want and with whom you are more compatible. Fate is leading you by the hand so grab it!

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I am a man and maybe I can help if I talk to you a bit about myself. Until very recently, I had never told a woman that I loved her either. I had had two partners in the past and I had never told them I loved them. One of the two obviously was a FWB deal. That's what we wanted. However I feel I hurt the second girl I was with. She obviously liked me very much and we were "together" for a long time. I told her early on that I didn't think I had any love to give to anyone and that I was struggling with that. I thought she only wanted sex and friendship. I was wrong. She eventually "left" me because I could not tell her what she wanted to hear. I admire her for that. It's true, I did not love her.

 

I think you should perhaps do the same. Love is the basis of a relationship. If a partner has not yet told you he/she loved you after a few months, he/she may still be struggling with his or her feelings. That's okay. But if a partner clearly states that he/she does not love you, I think it's problematic. I was just like your boyfriend. It made me feel awful sometimes, but I eventually met someone I thought was awesome and deserved my love. It was very instinctive. Do you really love him yourself?

 

You obviously have love to offer and you need someone who can give you love in return. Breaking up while in a LDR must suck, big time, but at least you won't have him around the corner. Perhaps it won't hurt that bad anyway. Life partners are difficult to find, best of luck!

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Lovestolove

Thanks for your replys, I brought up the subject of the long distance and he asked me if i felt things are working out

and when i look at it the answer is no

like we had a nice relationship, physically things were fun and frequent :) but the deeper heartfelt connection isnt there like i feel he does care alot but not that sorta infatuated love i have felt before

I kinda feel like he doesnt see me for who i am maybe as i was trying to be perfect

 

when i decided to go to college in another country (as i've not mastered the language in his country) i decided it as i felt it would be good to have a break from him and get some perspective

i didnt want to want him as much as i did and still kinda do :( ehhRGH!!

i was originally thinking of breaking things off but it made me soo sad i cried alot and felt so down that night in the end i couldn't do it

 

reflecting on the relationaship i think it lasted as long as it did because i wanted to feel cared for and give my love and affections

logically if i was looking at it fromthe outside without prejudice i would have told myself to leave before things gets deeper the sooner one leaves the easier it will be

i wish sometimes i was colder and cared less about things

 

i still have this HORRID lil niggly part of me that wants to say to him well maybe after the college year is over we can see how things are....

(he suggested maybe ill have grown more, i think he means about my lack of organistion and messiniess *blushes* :( )

an i get a lil hope...

silly me, why cant i frikkin move on EHHHH!! stupid frikkin heart!!!

but then anywaymy more rational protective part says 'Eh!! no back away girl! move on get someone who does want kids in their future, who makes me feel special for all the lil things that makes me the way i am'

(btw i think it will be a loooong time before i can have another relationship i soo better get to really know him alot 1st)

I sometimes felt that my soon to be offically EX's appreciation of my body and ummm..sexdrive kept him more attached well no, he also like that im a nice person..sorry i feel like im braggin i dont mean it like that.... but liking some cuz they're sweet and attrative isnt enough like! im not an android

ehhh god it really is over isnt it! Foooook! *sigh*

 

Btw we are gonna stay friends and stay he touch, 1st ive ever done that with an ex..hmmmm...

but he's worth it

and ehhhh...emmmm...i also asked him....(uhhh ur not gonna approve of this i think) if we could do it where where we dont see other people which in college for 10months ...... i know it will happen but the thought kills me of him with sum1else and being in college im afraid ill someday pop on fcbk and see him with sum1 and ill loose concentration

oh thats weak of me

i gotta be stronger but god i feel like there is a lead weight sinking in my chest

 

We are living together for 1more month until i leave due to my job and the money

whats suck alot is i can seee the happy relief in his composure, there is an air of release

...from me.... :(

 

I just wish i didnt care about him, so i could stop feeling so much frikkin bouts of watery eye emotion

 

is there any helpful way to getting over this......???

 

sorry i just realised i waffled on so much :p

 

and i just wanna send a lil hug to whoever gave their time to reading this :)

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Hi again, I just took my time reading this and I too wish I could give you a hug. I hope you have friends and family around you that can hug. You're obviously getting very sentimental over this. I guess the two of you must have shared some kind of connection and you are afraid you are going to loose that. However I think your BF, whatever is actual age is, is not emotionally mature enough. He should be able to love you at this point (two years!) or be sensible enough to remove himself from your life if really doesn't love you. I doubt you want to entertain a FWB relationship with this man so I suggest you move on. You don't want to see him with other partners so this is proof that you care for him. He, on the other hand, might not be bothered by thoughts of you being intimate with other people (this would be proof that he does not think of you as a serious GF or possible life-partner). Also, I suggest you do not keep him as your friend.

 

You need to realize that sex is sex and love is love and, although the two are amazing things on their own, very rarely do they get to be experienced simultaneously. Lots of people dream of being in love, but the truth is that lots of relationships nowadays are built upon ambiguous feelings. You need to figure out what you want and then look for it. It's possible to enjoy sex on its own. Personally I prefer it to go further than sex. If you too want a serious partner, you might have some screening to do like you said (getting to know the person). But you might also stumble upon another nice guy in the next few months (who knows?). Move on and have a little faith (and there's really nothing wrong with dating and having a bit of casual sex when necessary).

Edited by MCMLXXXIX
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