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Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 8th July 2012, 8:29 PM   #1
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Away! Ouch.

Hey everyone! This is my first time posting in this kind of forum, so I hope I'm doing it right.

Basically:
  • Boyfriend just graduated from college, off to grad school in another state
  • I have a few mental disorders, apparently, that make me easily very anxious/mood swing-y/emotional/paranoid
  • He's currently back in Europe for vacation -- immigrated from there when he was in his mid-teens -- and doesn't have much internet access
  • Saw him online a few times and but he's only emailed me once after 3 weeks

That's the situation -- how do people deal with getting over missing someone you care about so much, especially if you're scared you won't stay together and all this emotion is for nothing? How do I deal with not hearing from him for another month?

Sorry if these are awfully open-ended questions, but I'm in a bit of a pickle.

Thanks!
C.
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Old 9th July 2012, 9:46 AM   #2
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What country if you don't mind me asking?

Does he have a mobile? Can you call him?

There's no reason not to talk for 45 days, cutting off any communication.

I don't know where he's at now, but in Europe there are many places with free wi-fi, like libraries for example. So he should take the effort, even if he's broke.
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Old 9th July 2012, 10:17 AM   #3
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I don't miss him too much as we have daily contact.
LDR's won't work without frequent contact/communication, unless it's already a solid long term r/ship where you've already lived (or lived in the same town) together and one of you has had to go away to work temporarily, that's different as you already have that bond and know you will be back together again, if it's already a solid r/ship, even then you need some communication and contact.
I don't really see any reason why someone would be unable to contact you for weeks on end



Quote:
Originally Posted by chaosofcolour View Post
Hey everyone! This is my first time posting in this kind of forum, so I hope I'm doing it right.

Basically:
  • Boyfriend just graduated from college, off to grad school in another state
  • I have a few mental disorders, apparently, that make me easily very anxious/mood swing-y/emotional/paranoid
  • He's currently back in Europe for vacation -- immigrated from there when he was in his mid-teens -- and doesn't have much internet access
  • Saw him online a few times and but he's only emailed me once after 3 weeks

That's the situation -- how do people deal with getting over missing someone you care about so much, especially if you're scared you won't stay together and all this emotion is for nothing? How do I deal with not hearing from him for another month?

Sorry if these are awfully open-ended questions, but I'm in a bit of a pickle.

Thanks!
C.
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Old 9th July 2012, 1:24 PM   #4
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Thanks guys! He's actually in Russia now and does have a mobile but he posted it on the Russian version of Facebook that I stumbled across once and I don't think he knows I know about it. Don't want to seem like a stalker girlfriend.

He'll actually return to the states and, normally, we text and talk every day. He has issues being motivated to most things, being a good girlfriend included. I'm always the one doing things for "us". Quite annoying...

Once I get to more stable Internet, ill be more active on this forum. I'm currently on the phone haha..
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Old 13th July 2012, 10:18 AM   #5
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Sorry! I know it's tasteless to bump a thread but I'm feeling worse and worse ... I see him online on facebook but yet no email reply.

As time goes on -- maybe it's just the fact that I haven't seen much of him -- I'm starting to think whether or not I want to be in this relationship. He's never been one to be motivated and I WOULD like to be in a relationship where I feel like the other person makes an effort.

Sorry again, everyone.
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Old 13th July 2012, 10:26 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chaosofcolour View Post
Sorry! I know it's tasteless to bump a thread but I'm feeling worse and worse ... I see him online on facebook but yet no email reply.
Call him and ask why he's on FB but you didn't hear from him anymore. If you see him on, can't you send him a message? There's a chat feature there.

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Originally Posted by chaosofcolour View Post
I WOULD like to be in a relationship where I feel like the other person makes an effort.
I hear ya. I'm not a guy, so I feel I can't really help you on this. See if you can get to talk to him before you make a drastic decision.
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Old 14th July 2012, 9:10 PM   #7
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Thanks for the advice!

He's actually online on this Russian version of Facebook and my friend gave me the link to his -- so I'm not ACTUALLY a member but it tells you when the person is last online.

Thank you very much! I am just very stressed out because I keep on remembering the times he would break promises (it's a problem he has -- a motivation problem and it's nothing "personal" in that he does it to everyone I know, but I'd figure he'd make more of an effort for me ) and how hurt he made me.

I don't think I should be crying or hurt this much in a relationship.
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Old 14th July 2012, 9:22 PM   #8
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I'm sorry. To me, it sounds like you've broken up already. He's just "forgotten" to tell you. There really isn't an excuse not to send you a message. If he can Facebook, he can message you. The fact that he is not doing so, suggests that he doesn't prioritise your relationship above his other commitments. He's not even checking in to see how you are, which is an indication of his lack of concern. And he's on vacation - he's not on a covert mission for the government in an area with limited internet access.

My advice is to break it off. His unavailability and unreliability makes it a dealbreaker for me. Since you mention that you have some mental health issues of your own, being with someone like him is only going to make things worse for you.
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Old 14th July 2012, 9:36 PM   #9
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I'm sorry. To me, it sounds like you've broken up already. He's just "forgotten" to tell you. There really isn't an excuse not to send you a message. If he can Facebook, he can message you. The fact that he is not doing so, suggests that he doesn't prioritise your relationship above his other commitments. He's not even checking in to see how you are, which is an indication of his lack of concern. And he's on vacation - he's not on a covert mission for the government in an area with limited internet access.

My advice is to break it off. His unavailability and unreliability makes it a dealbreaker for me. Since you mention that you have some mental health issues of your own, being with someone like him is only going to make things worse for you.
Thanks very much (: Sorry for being such a trouble.

He is a very sweet guy and he says he loves me. He has problems keeping promises to people because his own life is a bit of a mess, so I try to be nice and let it slide, but it does get tiring sometimes because I think/hope that I would be a bit of an exception since he claims he loves me so much...
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Old 14th July 2012, 10:31 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chaosofcolour View Post
Thanks very much (: Sorry for being such a trouble. He has problems keeping promises to people because his own life is a bit of a mess, so I try to be nice and let it slide...
Quote:
... but it does get tiring sometimes because I think/hope that I would be a bit of an exception since he claims he loves me so much...
Either way, don't you have your answer -- as in he's not exactly what one would call a "good catch?"

Best,
TMichaels

P.S. Don't apologize. You asking for advice/opinions is what this forum is for; sharing your fears/concerns with others so they can respond is no trouble at all.
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Old 14th July 2012, 10:42 PM   #11
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Thanks muchly (: Yes, I'm aware he's not a good catch -- I don't think I'm a great catch either -- but, for some reason, I like him and want to keep him. I've always had trouble letting things go for fear that I'll regret my decision later.
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Old 15th July 2012, 9:22 AM   #12
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Quote:
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He has problems keeping promises to people because his own life is a bit of a mess, so I try to be nice and let it slide
Don't let it slide... it creates an awful pattern which you might never get accustomed to. And the bomb would explode sooner or later anyway.
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Old 15th July 2012, 9:51 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by chaosofcolour View Post
Thanks muchly (: Yes, I'm aware he's not a good catch -- I don't think I'm a great catch either -- but, for some reason, I like him and want to keep him. I've always had trouble letting things go for fear that I'll regret my decision later.
Please don't ever say that. Believe in yourself. You are a wonderful catch and he is damn lucky he has you. Don't ever belittle yourself for anyone.

You have to love yourself first before expecting anyone to do so.

On the topic at hand, forget the Russian dude. He clearly isn't interested in you, if he was, he would have seek you out - doesn't matter if he's in the jungles of Brazil or in the snow alps in Switzerland. The fact that he couldn't be bothered means he doesn't love you. Time to move on and find a better prospect. Good luck!

Remember: (Loreal advert) You are worth it!
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Old 15th July 2012, 1:07 PM   #14
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Thanks! I suppose I should give a bit more of a story behind our relationship:
  • Been together since October 2011, going to the same university with him graduating just in May
  • Broke up twice but got back together in the span of 2 weeks each time
  • The whole time I've known him, he's been having academic and personal troubles that, I guess, have gotten in the way of him having a proper relationship -- for example, he'll cancel dates because he's too swamped with work; he'll promise to spend the day with me, say, Tuesday but then pushes it to Thursday, then Friday and so on
  • Because he's always
  • Talked to him the night before he left; basically told him what he does hurts me and, though I don't expect him to spend forever with me like some girlfriends do, I'd like some attention. He admitted he should have paid more attention to me and he doesn't know if he can be a better person.
  • While still in the country we'd talk every day on the phone and text throughout the day -- tends to have trouble calling back, though, but he does take initiative sometimes.

With past relationships (this is my first serious one), I've always easily called things off but I'm sooo afraid I'll mess this one up and regret it so much... Help?
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Old 15th July 2012, 1:40 PM   #15
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I guess one of your points was missing, or I didn't get it.

Anyway:

Quote:
Originally Posted by chaosofcolour View Post
  • he doesn't know if he can be a better person.
Help?
Big, huge red flag. I don't hear no I don't know if I can. I can accept an honest "I will try my best to be a better person", at least he's telling me he's willing to make it work and with some effort on his part. But well, he was honest. He's telling you: either you take me as I am or nothing. Maybe he's so young that he's not willing to take things so seriously.
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