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My Overseas Fiance Wants To Have New Female Friends


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skyline871

My fiance and I have been together for the past two years, we got engaged one year ago, am 29, he is 31. Though I believe I already know the answer to my question here, I do need opinions from both male and female. Right after we got engaged his job sent him overseas on a project which will take at least 3 years, after lots of discussion we decided he should take the opportunity since the pay he will receive will help us with our wedding and at the same time, within the three years I can finish working on my degree and we will both be ready for the big day. He can only visit twice a year for a period of ten days, sure I can visit also and have already done so, but the cost of the airfare, my job and classes makes it impossible for me to visit him as often as I like. We both agreed on everything I have just mentioned. Now here is the problem, today he tells me that he has a feeling for female companionship, not for xxx, but for someone of the opposite sex to talk to, to give him emotional support while am not there. Yes we do talk on skype, gtalk, phone, text, whenever we can, which is every day for at least two hours or more, mostly on skype so we can see each other. I just don't understand why he feels this is not enough, he says he wants a female(s) friend(s) someone physically there to talk to, not the way we chat online or skype. I do trust him and I am really trying hard to see his point of view. Oh and one more thing, he says though he feels he wants female companionship over there, he is afraid that it may go further than friendship so for this reason he will not do it, he just wanted me to know his general thoughts, we try to be open and honest with our feelings always. I am now very confused, I have asked him if there is something I am not doing, but he says we both are doing everything in our power. I am trying to see his perspective along with mine, to me this doesn't sound right. He swears its just for talking and hanging out. Is something wrong here? Am I over analyzing or becoming insecure cause we are so far away from each other? Is it ok for one's partner to want to develop such friendships while already seriously involved? .....Only mature/adult responses please, kids please don't leave some foolish remarks. Thanks!

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You are right that you know the answer.

 

He wants more than someone to talk to; he wants an intimate connection with a person of the opposite sex and he wants more than a booty call.

 

He SAYS it is just to hang out but I can guarantee 100% that it is more, even if he can't vocalize that yet.

 

The next question is - do you want to even consider staying in a relationship that is doomed to deception and complications? Because you can either let him have an open relationship (in which case he may bond with someone else), or deny it to him - which he might resent - which could lead to cheating.

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skyline871

you are absolutely right, these were my thoughts exactly, just needed to hear it from someone else. thanks !

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It is complicated... I dont know what to think here: 1) he is such a good person that he's letting you know about these feelings before something bad happens or to ask you some kind of help because his feelings are going out of control; or 2) he already has a female friend and he's preparing ground for your reaction.

 

In my opinion, when you need support, you dont specify the gender or age of the person you want. You just need "someone", male or female, could be a friend, ur mother, ur sister or brother...

So, it is already suspicious that he tells you he needs female support...

 

Maybe whats going on and something that oftenly happens when you are in LDR is that at some point u realize u cant take it anymore that way. You feel alone, u have a boyfriend/girlfriend but you dont have it at the same time.

 

It has happened to me that I wanted to go to the movies or to some show and my boyfriend wasnt here to go with me so I secretly yearned to have "someone" to go with me, but not a friend, a boyfriend... This doesnt mean I dont love my bf or I want to cheat on him but its just a feeling of loneliness, a need that appears once in a while, specially if you are living far away from home, where your emotional support usually is...

 

I'd ask him if he feels comfortable with the LDR... I'd tell him to question if he really wants to continue with this or what, because if he's going to cheat, there's no return from that. So he better decide what he wants. Cheating is not good and telling you or warning you about this, all it does, is to plant a seed of distrust in you from now on...

 

Tell me if you can trust him now, after what he said....

=/

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Ask him how he'd feel if you wanted a male friend to hang out with. Tell him he can hang out with a lesbian and you'll hang out with a gay guy.

 

Can you visit him more often and take fewer classes? Couldn't you graduate after you and he were married?

 

Otherwise, perhaps you had better end it now and both date other people. At the end of his time overseas, meet up as "new people" and see if the spark is still there.

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Something's fishy. I would be starting to lose trust in him after hearing such a thing.

Maybe it's better not to marry someone who, barely having gone abroad, already feels that he can't remain faithful cause he wants 'female companionship', let alone the whole 3 years!! do you really want such a man for your husband?

Sorry to burst your bubble but it's a red flag for me.

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janetadeline

There is absolutely more than just hang out. Two years ago my best friend's husband was about to sent overseas for a project. She was told by a counselor if she decided to let him go overseas, she needed to be prepared he would have some kind of affairs. The counselor told her is she could accept it, she can continually stay in the relationship.

 

Think about it, a guy goes to a new place abroad, everything is strange to him. He is lonely and it's not difficult to figure out he wants someone to "hang out".

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@_@;

 

When my bf went overseas there really wasn't a question about making friends in the opposite sex. You don't tell SOs you want to make friends; you just do and introduce them later.

 

The fact that he's opened that thought up to you already seems like there is a hint of who he has in mind for that description already.

 

Also, two hours everyday? That's pretty unhealthy. What's the time difference?

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