chiclet Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Hi all. Well, I've read a few threads and will start mine the same way: I'm new at this. Really. Never done it but I am obviously desperate to get some good advice on my situation. Here it is: I'm currently in a long-distance relationship. It's only been a few months. We've known eachother since we were kids (really!), lost touch, and then got in touch again. When we did, he had just separated from his wife (currently living apart and will divorce - I don't have any doubts about that), and I was seeing someone. After our first meeting, we couldn't stop thinking about eachother, or talking to eachother. He, especially, expressed his feelings for me and admitted that he had a crush on me when we were kids. Funny enough, I always liked him, but we were way too shy, and studious to do anything about it. Well, now, we are together, as in, a couple. I love him more than I can explain, and I think he feels the same way. - notice the doubt? He has said he feels the same way. He has shown me ( I think) that he feels the same way. But for some reason, I feel insecure. He initiated the relationship. He called, and emailed from all over the world, at any time of the day. He wanted us to be a couple. I did too, but I resisted slightly at first. What a nut. He's a gem and I'm glad I gave him a chance. We live apart - too far apart for my liking. Since we met, we've seen eachother twice in three months. Both were long visits, not just dates. He took me away for a wonderful weekend, and I visited him for almost a week in his home town. I've just grown to love him more and more, and I hope he feels the same way. The problem is that he has his divorce to go through. His family is pressuring him to give his marriage another chance and does not support his decision. He was not happy in his marriage and they apparently don't understand why he didn't stick it out. He wants to take things "slowly" with me because of that and because he has to make decisions about his work, and where geographically it will take him. What the hell does this mean? When we're together, we are like two peas in a pod. Neither of us can believe how amazingly well we get along, and how wonderful we feel when we're together and how in love we are. I just figured that if he felt that way, he'd do whatever it took to get us to be together. He hasn't mentioned my moving there. He has mentioned that he cannot come here because of his job. I understand that and I think I'm willing to do that for us. When I tell him that, I don't think he believes me, and if he does, he doesn't understand how or why I would be willing to give up my life in a big city to move and be with him. You see, he holds some regret for allowing his ex to do that and then when it didn't work out, he felt guilty. He does tell me that he wants to be with me in the long run. I want that too, but right now I need more. I need him to call me more often, I need him to reassure me that he still wants a future with me, I need to hear all that mushy stuff so that I can keep going in this long-distance thing. He's awefully realistic and can detach himself from a situation, yet I am the opposite. The more he pulls away, the more insecure I get, and the more I need from him, which I don't feel like I'm getting right now. I asked him if he wanted to see other people and if this was moving too fast. He said no to the first question, and yes to the second, until I asked him to explain, and he couldn't. So he admitted that we weren't moving too fast. I think I know what he needs. I think he needs me to back off and not pressure him about any decisions about our future. I know that if I persist, I will push him away. But, it's not fair. He wanted this. He expressed his feelings and hopes and plans for our future together. Why, when I catch up to him, do I feel he is freaking out (which he denies, by the way). You guys out there - tell me something. Do I need to let him chase me? Do I need to play those games and pretend he might lose me? Do I need to let him call me, and stop calling him? Do you guys need to feel in control of the relationship? If he tells me that he loves me, should I doubt it? Why doesn't he cry when we say goodbye? You gals out there - any advice on keeping him interested and making him work more for us? Gosh, I feel so pathetic. I honestly don't know how to deal with this. I've never been in a long distance relationship before so I really need help! We talk at least once/twice a day, and he always tells me that he loves me. Am I being too insecure? Please help! thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 I think I know what he needs. I think he needs me to back off and not pressure him about any decisions about our future. I know that if I persist, I will push him away. But, it's not fair. He wanted this. He expressed his feelings and hopes and plans for our future together. Why, when I catch up to him, do I feel he is freaking out (which he denies, by the way). I think that says it very well. You see, you are ahead of the game, because you already know what you need to do. He's in a rough spot; being too needy and freaking out does not help either of you. Trust him when he says what he wants (you!), and back off a little. I'm not saying to ignore him, or date other guys, or forget him. Just let him sort out his stuff. Realistically, there is a possibility it might not happen for you two. Long distance relationships are the hardest to maintain. You might be persoanlly better served by backing off a lot - until he gets it all straight. Ultimately, you will not be able to force the relationship to be whole merely by yourself. Freaking out, and getting insecure will make it worse, not better. Just my $.02 Hope it works out well for you two. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chiclet Posted January 26, 2004 Author Share Posted January 26, 2004 Thanks Ben. What do you mean by "back off"? He's visiting his family (in my home town) next month and I know that he's going to have to see his ex. I also know that they are going to put a lot of pressure on him to give his marriage another shot. I know, based on what he's told me, and based on the fact that she now lives here, and they have essentially split everything, that he doesn't want it. It's going to drive me insane knowing he's here and visiting her. Their split was amicable. How the heck am I supposed to get through that without freaking out??? Link to post Share on other sites
Benedict Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 I may not be the most qualified to answer this, but... It seems to me that he should not allow himself to be "talked into" anything. Sure, take the positions of others and consider them, but make a decision for those people? I don't think so. By the same token, I don't think you can "make" happen what you want to make happen; it really is up to him. I assume he knows how you feel. If not let him know, clearly. Then let him get his visit out of the way. It will suck; it will be hard, but you have to let him do what he needs to do. If he is of the quality that you suggest, he will definitely respect you for that. I guess what I am saying is that you feel so strongly about what you two have... you need to trust it too. Then keep as busy as you possibly can, to try and keep it out of your mind... Link to post Share on other sites
Author chiclet Posted January 26, 2004 Author Share Posted January 26, 2004 When I mentioned to him that it was going to be difficult knowing he's visiting her, and knowing that his family will be trying to get him to try again, he told me that I didn't have anything to worry about or to be jealous of. I then clarified that my concern was not that he would cheat on me, or want her back, but that seeing her, and being back in that situation may affect his outlook on us, may make him more distant because it will be a reminder of what failed. Know what I mean? How can I help him stay on track with us? How do I NOT sound needy and insecure in such an unfair situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 26, 2004 Share Posted January 26, 2004 You've got EMAIL! Link to post Share on other sites
nicky Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 hi my name is nicky and i am inthe same pison as you becouse i have been goeing out wive this lad now for4e 7 month and we nevere see each outher and my mate tode me he was cheating on me and i dont no if this is my fole plees hellp Link to post Share on other sites
nicky smyth Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 hi my name is Nicky and i am in the same Poisson as you because i have been going out wive this lad now for4e 7 month and we never see each other and my mate toed me he was cheating on me and i don't no if this is my floe pleas help Link to post Share on other sites
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