Sanman Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) Hey guys, I had an issue that I wanted to think out and maybe get some advice about. So, I have been seeing my current gf for 6 mths and talking for 9 mths. It is the best relationship either of us have ever had to the point where we have both talked about settling down with each other. Something neither of us has thought about before. The problem is this: just prior to us really beginning our relationship, she took got her dream job (or at least as close to it as you can get) about 5 hrs away from me. Despite that distance, we have seen each other 1-2 times a month. Currently, I am ready to start job hunting. I had planned to start looking for jobs and was hoping to move close to her. However, I recently met an individual who is very interested in offering me a fellowship in my current area. While I am still considering other jobs, I will likely get the fellowship offer well before any other jobs get back to me. This keeps us 5 hrs apart for at least another year unless she decides to move closer to me. Talking to her about it, she is very supportive of me taking the fellowship as long as we can continue seeing each other as frequently as we do now and it furthers my career. However, I am worried about us postponing moving closer to each other for another year and whether the stress of such a thing can be too much. I do alright as I have friends and family in the area. However, the longer we are together the worse her withdrawal gets when we are apart as she is in a new area without any friends or relatives. What do you guys think? Is taking the fellowship a wise move? Edited November 30, 2011 by Sanman Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Take the fellowship for sure. A year is nothing, for a lifetime together. Hey guys, I had an issue that I wanted to think out and maybe get some advice about. So, I have been seeing my current gf for 6 mths and talking for 9 mths. It is the best relationship either of us have ever had to the point where we have both talked about settling down with each other. Something neither of us has thought about before. The problem is this: just prior to us really beginning our relationship, she took got her dream job (or at least as close to it as you can get) about 5 hrs away from me. Despite that distance, we have seen each other 1-2 times a month. Currently, I am ready to start job hunting. I had planned to start looking for jobs and was hoping to move close to her. However, I recently met an individual who is very interested in offering me a fellowship in my current area. While I am still considering other jobs, I will likely get the fellowship offer well before any other jobs get back to me. This keeps us 5 hrs apart for at least another year unless she decides to move closer to me. Talking to her about it, she is very supportive of me taking the fellowship as long as we can continue seeing each other as frequently as we do now and it furthers my career. However, I am worried about us postponing moving closer to each other for another year and whether the stress of such a thing can be too much. I do alright as I have friends and family in the area. However, the longer we are together the worse her withdrawal gets when we are apart as she is in a new area without any friends or relatives. What do you guys think? Is taking the fellowship a wise move? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I think it'd be difficult for us to tell you what to do - there are a huge number of factors affecting this. Are you likely to be offered a fellowship where she is should you turn down the first offer, for instance? And how important is the fellowship to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sanman Posted November 30, 2011 Author Share Posted November 30, 2011 I think it'd be difficult for us to tell you what to do - there are a huge number of factors affecting this. Are you likely to be offered a fellowship where she is should you turn down the first offer, for instance? And how important is the fellowship to you? Good questions... I work in the healthcare industry, so there will be jobs near her. However, there is no guarantee of a job or fellowship in this specialty in her area. However, I just started looking when this gentleman called me and asked me to apply for the position with him. So, your guess is as good as mine. However, I would be in a much better position to look for specialty jobs in a year with one more year of specialty and. Certification under my belt. As this fellowship is in a private clinic and not a hospital, I could be asked to stay on permanently as well, giving me time to job hunt and figure things out with a real job in place. Link to post Share on other sites
aaronstone Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I'd recommend taking the fellowship since it would allow you to grow in your field of expertise. She is following her dream job and you should also pursue your goals. Reassess the relationship after the year and see where you are at. Don't put aside your career for a new relationship that is uncertain. The good part about it is that you will see see each other a few times a month, that will definitely help. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovewater Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I also recommend taking the fellowship. It's only one year, and it'll help further your career. I had to make a similar decision 1.5 years ago. At that time, my boyfriend and I were 4 years into our LDR (2 hours away). I was in the midst of applying to graduate school, and I had two choices: 1) a school where I was at or 2) a school across the country. I chose the latter because I absolutely loved the school. I love my boyfriend, but I also value my education and did what was best for my future. We thought that we had to do LDR for another 4-5 years at that point. At least in your case, you have an end in sight which will be about a year. Since your girlfriend is so supportive, you should really take this opportunity. After the fellowship is completed, you can see where your relationship stand. With your experience, I doubt it would be that difficult for you to find a job in her area when you're done. Plus, you guys still get to see each other a few times a month. That's not too shabby. =] Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 Absolutely take the fellowship...there's a lot of things that can happen in a relationship and If you really belong together you will make it through...you might need the patience and understand and if she does that's the kinda woman you want by your side anyway. Have a conversation with her and express to her how this is about your future and that you really need to solidify yourself first in that before making sacrifices for the relationship...which you intend to do. From a guy to guy though to you, I've been through a lot of great relationships...at first and trust me nothing stays perfect forever and making a sacrifice for a relationship is almost never a good idea. However that's up to you, your gut will tell you what to do and if you make the move then this better be the one or you should look into opportunities first nearby her before deciding on the move. Don't go in blind. Link to post Share on other sites
skakitty Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I agree with all of the above advice about taking the fellowship- I think she would want you to be the best person you can be and follow your dreams too as she has done, it will most likely enhance your relationship because work takes up the biggest amount of time in your day and so if you are satisfied there, it will make you more satisfied allround Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sanman Posted December 4, 2011 Author Share Posted December 4, 2011 Thanks for all the advice. I definitely agree with everything you guys are saying. My gf is very supportive of me staying here. I have to say that I have no doubts that she is the type of woman who is in it for the long-term and has my (and our) best interests at heart. Of all my relationships, she is the only one I have considered moving for. I am definitely leaning strongly towards taking the fellowship. That said, I guess two things play into my wanting to not stay here. The first is that most of my close friends are married and after so many years of school, I am more than ready to enjoy the benefits of a long-term gf and the next stage of my life (going out together, quiet nights in, couple stuff, etc.). Second, I am wondering in the larger sense when the right time is to make such a move and which one of us should do so. After all, the more career success we have, the difficult it may be for either of us to make a move. Things I will have to figure out over time I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
lordWilhelm Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 However, the longer we are together the worse her withdrawal gets when we are apart as she is in a new area without any friends or relatives. Hi sanman, I'm curious about what you mean by this. What does her withdrawal getting worse refer to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sanman Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 Hi sanman, I'm curious about what you mean by this. What does her withdrawal getting worse refer to? She gets blue and cries sometimes if we spend a few days together and I have left to go home. Not always, but I have noticed it can be worse the now that we have been together awhile. She gets used to me being there after a few days and it is tough for her to go back to being alone. Link to post Share on other sites
wildgeese Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 She gets blue and cries sometimes if we spend a few days together and I have left to go home. Not always, but I have noticed it can be worse the now that we have been together awhile. She gets used to me being there after a few days and it is tough for her to go back to being alone. I think it's that way for most of us. It's difficult to go from weeks of not seeing your SO, sleeping alone, and basically living a "single" life to having the wonderful relief of being a part of a physical couple again, only to go back to the beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sanman Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 I think it's that way for most of us. It's difficult to go from weeks of not seeing your SO, sleeping alone, and basically living a "single" life to having the wonderful relief of being a part of a physical couple again, only to go back to the beginning. I'm sure it is. While she will likely be fine, I wonder if she can take these ups & downs for another year. I don't like seeing/hearing her so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovewater Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I'm sure it is. While she will likely be fine, I wonder if she can take these ups & downs for another year. I don't like seeing/hearing her so sad. Do you guys Skype in between visits? It might help if you guys get to see each other. It's not the same, but it beats nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I'm sure it is. While she will likely be fine, I wonder if she can take these ups & downs for another year. I don't like seeing/hearing her so sad. Sanman, Always helps to have something to look forward to as in *before* you go home the two of you discuss *your next visit/trip.* Gives you (and especially her) something to focus on that's positive as opposed to how bad she feels that you're no longer there. Best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 From my perspective a year is nothing, I have no end in sight at all in my r/ship. She needs to keep as busy as possible, get on with her life, and keep in mind it's only a year. I'm sure it is. While she will likely be fine, I wonder if she can take these ups & downs for another year. I don't like seeing/hearing her so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
aaronstone Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I'm sure it is. While she will likely be fine, I wonder if she can take these ups & downs for another year. I don't like seeing/hearing her so sad. Yeah I know where you're coming from. I believe to be fair to each other yall should always be open about ending the relationship. No I'm not saying this to be negative, just to have open communication so that if at any point it becomes too much yall can end it peacefully. It would be terrible to have a relationship dragging on with the other party feeling guilty about being the one to breakup. Unfortunately one of my friends didn't take that route, he let the relationship just drag on and eventually stopped calling the girl. She was a mess! As for the the blues and crying when separated, it would happen to us all the time. Whether we saw each other for a few days or a few months saying goodbye was always tough Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sanman Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 Hey guys, thanks for all the kinds words. We do skype once a week or so...we are actually having our first skype date this weekend (renting the same movie and watching it together over skype). We have a bunch of weekends over the holidays we are spending together, so I'll see how it goes. Neither of us are close to throwing in the towel yet, but we definitely have open communication. Link to post Share on other sites
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