Huge argument over nothing

[joeyanna]

I'm really at my wits end and I don't know what to do.

 

I've been in an LDR for a couple of months now and although on the whole things are incredible and I'm very happy, because our relationship is more or less conducted by email we keep having stupid arguments over small things, usually because one or the other of us has misinterpreted what the other has said but generally things get sorted out within a few hours. Not so with this one today.

 

Our major problem, as with most LDR's, is the sheer distance, in fact I'm in the UK, he's in the US, but despite this we usually manage several hours of conversation during the day (and night). We've even got as far as semi arranging a time for me to visit in February which we were both really excited about.

 

Anyway today's fight was over a phone call. We had tentatively arranged at time to chat today, which I thought was going to be this morning when my other half got home from work but he just logged on as usual and we started chatting online. When I brought up the subject of our chat he went quiet and then logged off so I (wrongly) assumed something was wrong and sent a concerned email. He had, in fact, just fallen asleep and was not best pleased that I was making a mountain out of a molehill (and rightly so).

 

There is a 6 hour time difference between us and I had arranged to take my nephew out but while I was out I checked my email via my phone and replied to a message he had sent me. I logged off and though I assumed he would be asleep at this point having worked a night shift, I attempted to log back on to see if he had answered, unfortunately, after several tries, connection failed and so I carried on with my day. When I arrived home a couple of hours later I immediately logged on and found two messages in my inbox from him. The first sent two minutes after my email asking me to call him. The second, sent approximately 40 minutes later (and two hours before I got home) simple read 'point taken, I really wish you the best', this coming from someone who only the day before had told me how much he loved me and wanted me to move over to the states to be with him (something I am desperate to do but circumstances won't allow it just yet as I'm currently in my second year of a three year degree).

 

I have emailed him several times and even tried calling him as soon as I got his messages but he didn't (or wouldn't) pick up and now I'm at a loss what to do. I really don't want to lose him, even if it's just as a friend but it's not like I can just pop round the corner and talk about it.

 

Any help or ideas would really be gratefully received as I'm beside myself with grief.

 

Thank you and sorry for the long post!

 

(Oh and if you happen to log on here and read this baby, I'm truly sorry for what's happened, please talk to me and I love you xx)

[hoping2heal]

Hello Anna,

 

A few thoughts here, what kind of e-mail did you send him exactly? You say concerned but was it concerned or was it suspicious/accusatory/etc? I'm trying to understand his reaction to what was said.

 

If you came across as inflammatory, suspicious, etc. he may simply be re-thinking going any further with you.

 

If you simply sent a concerned e-mail then I'm not sure why he should be reacting so harshly at all. If this man is willing to give up the chance at a meeting so easily then you should take a step back and examine whether this is fantasy or reality at work because someone who writes another person off over a misunderstanding is probably not going to give you a profound commitment in the future. Feelings can be wonderful things yet virtually useless without being grounded in reality.

 

If he is indeed planning to write you off and call it a day I think it is better you learn this early on rather down the line, otherwise again he could just feeling put off by your e-mail (depending on your idea of concerned) and feeling uncertain as to how to proceed from here on out.

[joeyanna]

I asked to explain what was happening and why he'd logged off when we were having a nice chat as I was confused, I was hurt because it happened when we were discussing having a chat on the phone. I obviously didn't realise he'd dozed off, he logged back on 30 minutes later and initiated conversation but by that time I had gone out so wasn't there to talk it through. He then emailed me to say he didn't know why I was upset and to wish me a good weekend and that he didn't want his ruined by a drama that wasn't there.

 

I responded by saying I thought he was being a little unfair, I sent this email via my phone and he immediately replied asking me to call him but I'd lost connection to the internet by then and didn't read it until I got home three hours later, in the meantime he sent me another email to wish me all the best........he was clearly hurt that I didn't call him when he asked me to but how could I when I didn't have access to my emails to read his request. I called him as soon as I got the email but he didn't pick up.

 

I can't say whether this was fantasy or reality to him but I do know that he'd booked the week off work when I'm meant to visit just the night before so he was taking it seriously at that point.

 

I don't know whether he just needs more time to come around or whether that's it??

 

Feel totally lost.

[joeyanna]

Oh and as a postscript, we've been through worse things than this together and he's always come back to me after a few hours but this has now been going on much longer than usual. I don't want to have blown it over another silly misunderstanding!

[Els]

I guess he saw your email and something in it struck him with the urgency to need to talk to you about it - you don't appear to be doing phone much so I'm guessing he was worried then. You didn't answer or call him (because you couldn't and he didn't know that), and he probably allowed some wild assumptions to get the better of him and thus overreacted.

[joeyanna]

I guess he saw your email and something in it struck him with the urgency to need to talk to you about it - you don't appear to be doing phone much so I'm guessing he was worried then. You didn't answer or call him (because you couldn't and he didn't know that), and he probably allowed some wild assumptions to get the better of him and thus overreacted.

 

This was going to be our first telephone conversation and it was he who suggested it for yesterday as he said that he wanted to hear my voice but he made no mention of it when he got home from work so I brought it up and that's when he disappeared and I jumped to the wrong conclusion as in reality he'd just fallen asleep.

 

We are both prone to overreaction but then I've never been in a LDR before but I know how easy it is to misinterpret things when you can't see someones body language or hear the tone of their voice which is why I thought we should talk more on the phone.

 

What I don't know is what to do now? He's 4000 miles away and not answering his emails or phone and if he won't how are meant to sort it out? Am I supposed to jump on the first available flight? haha, Believe me, I would if it were possible!

[Els]

Nothing much you can do except give it some time. If it is meant to be, he'll eventually read his email or check his phone. Otherwise, well, it was bad luck and circumstances, I guess, and he may be a little too flighty and overreactive to deal with an LDR properly.

[joeyanna]

Nothing much you can do except give it some time. If it is meant to be, he'll eventually read his email or check his phone. Otherwise, well, it was bad luck and circumstances, I guess, and he may be a little too flighty and overreactive to deal with an LDR properly.

 

 

He was in an LDR prior to me for quite some considerable time so I know he can handle it but as sad and unhappy as it makes me, I guess you're right, not much I can do but sit and wait. Doesn't stop me from being heartbroken though!

[hoping2heal]

Hi Anna,

 

You said this was going to be your first telephone conversation. I think you should examine how logical it seems that a man would arrange to take a week off of work to meet a woman who he has never even spoken on the phone with. I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer and maybe it is legitimate - it just sounds a bit sketchy. Missing a week of work means missing a week's worth of pay - it is just a pretty big commitment to make and it surprises me someone would do something like that based on e-mail exchanges or online talking when they have yet to even talk on the phone. Does that make sense?

 

I also noticed you mentioned you have gone through bigger arguments and he's always come back - so this looks inconsistent with that. Why now is he choosing not to come back? (If that is even the case that is - this could just be another communication issue, too) This could all be on the up and up but so far it is seeming a bit sketchy, can you see that also?

[joeyanna]

Hi Anna,

 

You said this was going to be your first telephone conversation. I think you should examine how logical it seems that a man would arrange to take a week off of work to meet a woman who he has never even spoken on the phone with. I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer and maybe it is legitimate - it just sounds a bit sketchy. Missing a week of work means missing a week's worth of pay - it is just a pretty big commitment to make and it surprises me someone would do something like that based on e-mail exchanges or online talking when they have yet to even talk on the phone. Does that make sense?

 

I also noticed you mentioned you have gone through bigger arguments and he's always come back - so this looks inconsistent with that. Why now is he choosing not to come back? (If that is even the case that is - this could just be another communication issue, too) This could all be on the up and up but so far it is seeming a bit sketchy, can you see that also?

 

I understand what you're saying and I guess it could sound sketchy to anyone not involved but we've been chatting every day for almost three months, usually for several hours a day (up to five or six) when time allows, he's sent me pictures of his children and trusted me with some very difficult information which he didn't have to do if he were not serious.

 

I believe he is taking it as a paid vacation and I absolute believe that he's booked it, he's researched where he's going to take me and talked about me to his friends.

 

At the end of the day I trust him implicitly and believe him to be totally genuine, why would he spend so much of his time talking to me on IM if he weren't serious?

[hoping2heal]

I understand what you're saying and I guess it could sound sketchy to anyone not involved but we've been chatting every day for almost three months, usually for several hours a day (up to five or six) when time allows, he's sent me pictures of his children and trusted me with some very difficult information which he didn't have to do if he were not serious.

 

I believe he is taking it as a paid vacation and I absolute believe that he's booked it, he's researched where he's going to take me and talked about me to his friends.

 

At the end of the day I trust him implicitly and believe him to be totally genuine, why would he spend so much of his time talking to me on IM if he weren't serious?

 

Hello Anna,

 

I want to stress that it is very much possible that he is being honest with you but to also remember that you're going to be subjective by default.

 

One of the worst stories I have ever heard, and I've never ever heard of deceit this bad or to this extent happened to a good friend of my Mother's. My Mom's friend - I will call her Lizzie - met a nice man online whom she talked at length with quite often - including the telephone. She even spoke with his children over the phone. They arranged to meet but things came up and the meet had to be cancelled. They rescheduled - again something happened (on his end, again) and things had to be cancelled. On the third meet, she was in a bad but not fatal car accident driving to meet him. She was very badly hurt and apparently his guilt got to him because the truth came out. He was married and never had any intention of meeting her for real. He admitted he had real emotional feelings for her but he couldn't leave his marriage and who knows how much longer he would have misled her had she not gotten hurt badly in the car accident. It still blows my mind that children were involved I don't even know how that went down..

 

It is the worst case of online deceit I'd heard of regarding these type of relationships but it is not the only case of it I'd heard of. It does happen - people connect with others online and start a relationship only to find out that one or both people were dishonest, or never planning to meet, etc. Why do people do it? I suppose because they can. Whether it is an escape from a lifeless marriage or a fantastical experience to take them away from the lonliness and/or isolation they may be feeling in their daily lives people do this.

 

I find it strange you have seen photos of his children and have been trusted with important information but still no phone call? That just seems really strange to me. Don't get me wrong - a phone call is no sure fire guarantee of legitimacy either - but it certainly should be one of the things done before people discuss meeting,etc.

[joeyanna]

Hello Anna,

 

I want to stress that it is very much possible that he is being honest with you but to also remember that you're going to be subjective by default.

 

One of the worst stories I have ever heard, and I've never ever heard of deceit this bad or to this extent happened to a good friend of my Mother's. My Mom's friend - I will call her Lizzie - met a nice man online whom she talked at length with quite often - including the telephone. She even spoke with his children over the phone. They arranged to meet but things came up and the meet had to be cancelled. They rescheduled - again something happened (on his end, again) and things had to be cancelled. On the third meet, she was in a bad but not fatal car accident driving to meet him. She was very badly hurt and apparently his guilt got to him because the truth came out. He was married and never had any intention of meeting her for real. He admitted he had real emotional feelings for her but he couldn't leave his marriage and who knows how much longer he would have misled her had she not gotten hurt badly in the car accident. It still blows my mind that children were involved I don't even know how that went down..

 

It is the worst case of online deceit I'd heard of regarding these type of relationships but it is not the only case of it I'd heard of. It does happen - people connect with others online and start a relationship only to find out that one or both people were dishonest, or never planning to meet, etc. Why do people do it? I suppose because they can. Whether it is an escape from a lifeless marriage or a fantastical experience to take them away from the lonliness and/or isolation they may be feeling in their daily lives people do this.

 

I find it strange you have seen photos of his children and have been trusted with important information but still no phone call? That just seems really strange to me. Don't get me wrong - a phone call is no sure fire guarantee of legitimacy either - but it certainly should be one of the things done before people discuss meeting,etc.

 

It's only relatively recently progressed to the point of us wanting to meet plus it's taken a while to sort out the most affordable way to talk, I just can't imagine him being a player, it's hard to explain but at the end of the day I feel this person really well.

[joeyanna]

Hello Anna,

 

I want to stress that it is very much possible that he is being honest with you but to also remember that you're going to be subjective by default.

 

One of the worst stories I have ever heard, and I've never ever heard of deceit this bad or to this extent happened to a good friend of my Mother's. My Mom's friend - I will call her Lizzie - met a nice man online whom she talked at length with quite often - including the telephone. She even spoke with his children over the phone. They arranged to meet but things came up and the meet had to be cancelled. They rescheduled - again something happened (on his end, again) and things had to be cancelled. On the third meet, she was in a bad but not fatal car accident driving to meet him. She was very badly hurt and apparently his guilt got to him because the truth came out. He was married and never had any intention of meeting her for real. He admitted he had real emotional feelings for her but he couldn't leave his marriage and who knows how much longer he would have misled her had she not gotten hurt badly in the car accident. It still blows my mind that children were involved I don't even know how that went down..

 

It is the worst case of online deceit I'd heard of regarding these type of relationships but it is not the only case of it I'd heard of. It does happen - people connect with others online and start a relationship only to find out that one or both people were dishonest, or never planning to meet, etc. Why do people do it? I suppose because they can. Whether it is an escape from a lifeless marriage or a fantastical experience to take them away from the lonliness and/or isolation they may be feeling in their daily lives people do this.

 

I find it strange you have seen photos of his children and have been trusted with important information but still no phone call? That just seems really strange to me. Don't get me wrong - a phone call is no sure fire guarantee of legitimacy either - but it certainly should be one of the things done before people discuss meeting,etc.

 

Oh Hoping2heal, I've just realised that you know of this person as I've just read some of his old posts :S

[hoping2heal]

It's only relatively recently progressed to the point of us wanting to meet plus it's taken a while to sort out the most affordable way to talk, I just can't imagine him being a player, it's hard to explain but at the end of the day I feel this person really well.

 

Anna,

 

did you two declare yourselves a "relationship" before knowing if you wanted to meet? Do you have any way to verify that the things he's told you about himself are indeed true? There are quite a few cheap ways to talk like 5 and 6 dollar international phone cards from the U.S. calling to UK - has he told you he's trying to find an affordable way to talk or what was the deal on the affordable issue?

[joeyanna]

Anna,

 

did you two declare yourselves a "relationship" before knowing if you wanted to meet? Do you have any way to verify that the things he's told you about himself are indeed true? There are quite a few cheap ways to talk like 5 and 6 dollar international phone cards from the U.S. calling to UK - has he told you he's trying to find an affordable way to talk or what was the deal on the affordable issue?

 

No, we've wanted to meet for a long time but it's only in the last few days that we've made solid plans.

 

We've been trying to find a way to talk that doesn't cost anything but I sorted out the call problem a few days ago.

 

Sorry this has just become quite complicated reading back over some of his old posts (yes we 'met' on here) and the two of you have exchanged quite a few messages.

[wild_urge]

but if you have a phone with internet connection and he has a computer you can skype for no money at all. . . hoping2heal, I totally agree with you about everything. This is really fishy. Also I don't understand how any reasonable person would break up with you, just because you didn't call them when they wanted to, get mad yeas, but to break up . . . it's too much, especially when everyone know that you can't check your e-mail if you are outside! If wanted to talk to you so urgently, he could have sent you a text message, knowing that you'll get it for sure and there are a whole bunch of free site from where you can text, assuming he had no money to use a cell phone . . .

[wild_urge]

If I were you at this point I would be really mad and hurt . . .

[joeyanna]

Did you ever hear back from him, OP?

 

Yes I did and all is well. It was just a massive misunderstanding with lots of misinterpreted messages on both sides.

 

I hope he doesn't read this and see that he's been referred to as a drama queen lol.

 

I think if we're going to make this work we need to make sure we communicate properly in the future.